Reading and Revelations 2
by tartan-angel
Summary: Second part of my Reading and Revelations saga. WARNING: Chamber of Secrets inside!
1. Another Book!

READING AND REVELATIONS 2

"Door's not open yet," sighed Harry, resuming his seat between Ginny and Ron, "more entertainment?"

"Why not."

Upon the table appeared another book: 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets'.

"Uh oh," said Ginny, "do we have to read this one?"

"Yes!" was the reply of the Room's other occupants.

"I'll start!" exclaimed Luna, picking up the book. "Chapter One - The Worst Birthday. "

**Not for the first time, an argument had broken out over breakfast at number four, Privet Drive.**

Harry: Happened practically every day.

**Mr. Vernon Dursley had been woken in the early hours of the morning by a loud, hooting noise from his nephew Harry's room.**

**"Third time this week!" he roared across the table. "If you can't control that owl, it'll have to go!"**

Ron: Shame he wouldn't say that about his pig of a son.

**Harry tried, yet again, to explain.**

Harry: I gave up after a while.

**"She's **_**bored**_**," he said. "She's used to flying around outside. If I could just let her out at night—"**

**"Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon,**

George: Do you really want us to answer that?

**a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy moustache.**

Minerva: Oh, that's attractive.

Ron: Please tell me that was sarcasm.

**"I know what'll happen if that owl's let out."** **He exchanged dark looks with his wife, Petunia.**

Horace: For Merlin's sake, it's only an owl.

**Harry tried to argue back but his words were drowned by a long, loud belch from the Dursleys' son, Dudley.**

Hermione: That's disgusting! Why is J.K. Rowling writing about that?

Ron (shrugging): Dunno, page-fillers?

**"I want more bacon."**

(Horace and Minerva both simultaneously take a shot of Firewhiskey).

Luna: What are you doing?

Horace: We decided that we would have a shot every time that awful boy was rude to someone.

Ron: You two will be wasted by the time we get out of here!

Hermione: Do you think that's really a good idea, what with going back into the school afterwards?

Minerva: Don't worry about me, I'm no lightweight, it's him you should be concerned for.

Luna: Can I carry on now?

**"There's more in the frying pan, sweetums," **

Ron: Didn't that get disturbing?

**said Aunt Petunia, turning misty eyes on her massive son. "We must build you up while we've got the chance...**

George: No, you really don't need to! Please don't!

**I don't like the sound of that school food..."**

**"Nonsense, Petunia, I never went hungry when **_**I**_** was at Smeltings,"**

Minerva: How ever did they fill _him_ up?

**said Uncle Vernon heartily. "Dudley gets enough, don't you, son?"**

George: Is that possible?

**Dudley, who was so large his bottom drooped over either side of the kitchen chair,**

Ron: Not a pretty picture!

**grinned and turned to Harry.**

**"Pass the frying pan."**

(Minerva and Horace take another shot).

**"You've forgotten the magic word," said Harry irritably.**

Hermione: Please tell me you weren't stupid enough to say that.

**The effect of this simple sentence on the rest of the family was incredible:**

Hermione: Oh no! I can't listen!

**Dudley gasped and fell off his chair with a crash that shook the whole kitchen;**

Ginny: Why am I not surprised?

**Mrs. Dursley gave a small scream and clapped her hands to her mouth; Mr. Dursley jumped to his feet, veins throbbing in his temples.**

Horace: How can somebody be that afraid of magic?

**"I meant 'please'!" said Harry quickly. "I didn't mean—"**

Ron: Too late, mate.

Harry: I know that know!

**"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU," thundered his uncle, spraying spit over the table,**

All: Eww!

**"ABOUT SAYING THE 'M' WORD IN OUR HOUSE?"**

Luna: 'M word'?

Minerva: He means magic, dear.

Luna (dreamily): Oh.

**"But I—"**

**"HOW DARE YOU THREATEN DUDLEY!" **

George: Trust me, I'd do more than just threaten the little ba-

Minerva: Alright, alright. Read on please.

**roared Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his fist.**

**"I just—"**

**"I WARNED YOU! I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!"**

Ron: The only thing abnormal under that roof is his unusually ugly son.

**Harry stared from his purple-faced uncle to his pale aunt, who was trying to heave Dudley to his feet.**

George: She'll have a tough job with that.

Neville: With any luck, she'll put her back out.

**"All right," said Harry, "**_**all right**_**..."**

**Uncle Vernon sat back down, breathing like a winded rhinoceros**

Harry: He looks like one, too!

**and watching Harry closely out of the corners of his small, sharp eyes.**

**Ever since Harry had come home for the summer holidays, Uncle Vernon had been treating him like a bomb **

Luna: Bomb?

Hermione: It's a Muggle weapon of war.

Luna: Oh…

**that might go off at any moment, because Harry Potter **_**wasn't**_** a normal boy.**

Minerva: Charming, really!

**As a matter of fact, he was as not normal as it is possible to be**

Ron: No he's not. Look on the bright side, he could have turned out like Voldemort. I probably would, having to live with idiots like that, I'm surprised you don't hate Muggles completely!

**Harry Potter was a wizard**

George: NO! Honestly?

—**a wizard fresh from his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if the Dursleys were unhappy to have him back for the holidays, it was nothing to how Harry felt.**

Ginny: Well, that's a revelation, right there!

**He missed Hogwarts so much it was like having a constant stomach ache. **

Horace: Yes, there is something magical about the place, isn't there?

Minerva: I won't even dignify that piece of stupidity with a decent comeback!

**He missed the castle, with its secret passageways and ghosts, his classes (though perhaps not Snape,** **the Potions master),**

(All laugh).

Hermione: He was rather horrid to you.

Luna: Why was that, d'you think?

Harry: You'll see sooner or later.

**the mail arriving by owl, eating banquets in the Great Hall, sleeping in his four-poster bed in the tower dormitory, visiting the gamekeeper, Hagrid, in his cabin next to the Forbidden Forest in the grounds, and, especially, Quidditch, **

Minerva: That reminds me, I must have a fly around the pitch again soon.

Horace: What, through all those chapters on Quidditch, in the last book, you couldn't remember that but one mention of the word and you can recall it?

Luna: The mind works in mysterious ways.

**the most popular sport in the wizarding world (six tall goal posts, four flying balls, and fourteen players on broomsticks).**

Ron: We know!

**All Harry's spellbooks, his wand, robes, cauldron, and top-of-the-line Nimbus Two Thousand broomstick** **had been locked in a cupboard under the stairs by Uncle Vernon the instant Harry had come home. **

Ginny: Lovely!

Harry: It really was the instant I got home; they didn't even talk to me first.

**What did the Dursleys care if Harry lost his place on the House Quidditch team because he hadn't practiced all summer?**

Harry: They'd love it.

**What was it to the Dursleys if Harry went back to school without any of his homework done? The Dursleys were what wizards called Muggles (not a drop of magical blood in their veins), and as far as they were concerned, having a wizard in the family was a matter of deepest shame.**

Horace: I don't see why, Miss Evans was an exemplary witch.

Minerva: Here, here.

**Uncle Vernon had even padlocked Harry's owl, Hedwig, inside her cage, to stop her from carrying messages to anyone in the wizarding world.**

Neville: That is sad.

**Harry looked nothing like the rest of the family.**

Harry: Thank Merlin!

**Uncle Vernon was large and neckless, with an enormous black moustache; Aunt Petunia was horse-faced and bony; Dudley was blond, pink, and porky. **

Hermione: Well, they sound delightful!

**Harry, on the other hand, was small and skinny, with brilliant green eyes and jet-black hair that was always untidy.**

Ginny: And it still is.

**He wore round glasses, and on his forehead was a thin, lightning-shaped scar.**

Ron: I'll say it again, awesome shaped scar.

**It was this scar that made Harry so particularly unusual, even for a wizard. This scar was the only hint of Harry's very mysterious past, of the reason he had been left on the Dursleys' doorstep eleven years before.**

Harry: Why does Rowling have to back over this, she spent three chapters explaining this last time.

**At the age of one year old, Harry had somehow survived a curse from the greatest Dark sorcerer of all time, **

Horace: I don't think he was the greatest.

George: Yeah, he was defeated by a seventeen year-old.

**Lord Voldemort,** **whose name most witches and wizards still feared to speak. **

Hermione: Not any more.

**Harry's parents had died in Voldemort's** **attack, but Harry had escaped with his lightning scar, and somehow—nobody understood why—Voldemort's** **powers had been destroyed the instant he had failed to kill Harry.**

Harry: No they didn't. We already explained this!

**So Harry had been brought up by his dead mother's sister and her husband. **

Harry: Unfortunately.

**He had spent ten years with the Dursleys, never understanding why he kept making odd things happen without meaning to, believing the Dursleys' story that he had got his scar in the car crash that had killed his parents.**

(Horace and Minerva glare at the book).

**And then, exactly a year ago, Hogwarts had written to Harry, and the whole story had come out. Harry had taken up his place at wizard school, where he and his scar were famous**

Ginny: And still are.

**... but now the school year was over, and he was back with the Dursleys for the summer, back to being treated like a dog that had rolled in something smelly.**

Hermione: That is awful.

**The Dursleys hadn't even remembered that today happened to be Harry's twelfth birthday.**

George: Did you really expect them to?

**Of course, his hopes hadn't been high;**

Harry: Does that answer your question?

**they'd never given him a real present, let alone a cake—but to ignore it completely...**

Ginny: That really is an all time low.

Ron: Ginny, this is the Dursleys we're talking about

**At that moment, Uncle Vernon cleared his throat importantly and said, "Now, as we all know, today is a very important day."**

George: What is it, the annual doughnut-eating competition? Or is it the day that they finally realise that their son is an arse?

Harry: I wish!

**Harry looked up, hardly daring to believe it.**

**"This could well be the day I make the biggest deal of my career, " said Uncle Vernon.**

Minerva: I'm sorry but I really don't think that making Muggle drills and shouting at people who are smaller than you is really much of a career.

**Harry went back to his toast. **

George: Interesting sentence right there.

_**Of course**_**, he thought bitterly, **_**Uncle Vernon was talking about the stupid dinner party**_**. **

Neville: That can't be good.

Hermione: Something just has to go wrong.

**He'd been talking of nothing else for two weeks. Some rich builder and his wife were coming to dinner and Uncle Vernon was hoping to get a huge order from him (Uncle Vernon's company made drills).**

Horace: We already know that. Ms Rowling does enjoy repeating herself, doesn't she?

**"I think we should run through the schedule one more time," said Uncle Vernon. "We should all be in position at eight o'clock.**

Minerva: He sounds like my old Head of Department at the Ministry.

Neville: What Department was that?

Minerva: The Auror Department.

Ron: You were an Auror?

George: Sounds like it, doesn't it?

**Petunia, you will be—?"**

George: Slitting your wrists?

Ron: Sorting out your pig of a son?

George: Sticking your nose in where it isn't wanted?

Ginny: Will you two stop that?

Ron and George: NO!

**"In the lounge," said Aunt Petunia promptly, "waiting to welcome them graciously to our home."**

Horace: Graciously? With a child like theirs?

**"Good, good. And Dudley?"**

**"I'll be waiting to open the door." Dudley put on a foul, simpering smile.**

George: Sounds like a certain toad I know.

**"May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"**

Ron: Would they really want his great piggy hands all over them?

**"They'll **_**love**_** him!" cried Aunt Petunia rapturously.**

Minerva: If you say so.

Horace: I can't imagine that.

**"Excellent, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon. Then he rounded on Harry. "And **_**you**_**?"**

**"I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I'm not there," said Harry tonelessly.**

Hermione: Brilliant birthday present.

"**Exactly," said Uncle Vernon nastily. "I will lead them into the lounge, introduce you, Petunia, and pour them drinks. At eight-fifteen—"**

**"I'll announce dinner," said Aunt Petunia.**

Ginny: Hang on, this is on a really tight schedule and it takes place in Harry's old home. This cannot go well!

**"And, Dudley, you'll say—"**

**"May I take you through to the dining room, Mrs. Mason?" said Dudley, offering his fat arm to an invisible woman.**

**"My perfect little gentleman!" sniffed Aunt Petunia.**

(Minerva and Horace snort).

**"And **_**you**_**?" said Uncle Vernon viciously to Harry.**

**"I'll be in my room, making no noise and pretending I'm not there," said Harry dully.**

Luna: Didn't I already read that part?

**"Precisely. Now, we should aim to get in a few good compliments at dinner. Petunia, any ideas?"**

**"Vernon tells me you're a **_**wonderful**_** golfer, Mr. Mason... Do tell me where you bought your dress, Mrs. Mason ..."**

**"Perfect... Dudley?"**

**"How about—'We had to write an essay about our hero at school, Mr. Mason, and **_**I**_** wrote about **_**you**_**.'"**

Minerva: Please excuse me while I vomit.

Ron: Me too.

(Two large buckets appear before them).

Minerva: I was joking.

**This was too much for both Aunt Petunia and Harry. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and hugged her son, while Harry ducked under the table so they wouldn't see him laughing.**

George: Classy.

**"And you, boy?"**

Neville: I think they must have thought that your name was cursed or something because they don't seem to like using it.

**Harry fought to keep his face straight as he emerged.**

**"I'll be in my room, making no noise and pretending I'm not there," he said.**

Luna: You say that a lot, don't you Harry?

**"Too right, you will," said Uncle Vernon forcefully. "The Masons don't know anything about you and it's going to stay that way. When dinner's over, you take Mrs. Mason back to the lounge for coffee, Petunia, and I'll bring the subject around to drills. **

Horace: Oh Merlin, this man is so dull!

**With any luck, **

Harry: Which I evidently do not have!

**I'll have the deal signed and sealed before the news at ten. We'll be shopping for a vacation home in Majorca this time tomorrow."**

Hermione: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: It's just that…well… have you noticed how, in these books, you were a bit of a… walking disaster zone?

**Harry couldn't feel too excited about this. He didn't think the Dursleys would like him any better in Majorca than they did on Privet Drive.**

George: I don't know, get a few drinks down them, you never know. I mean, stranger things have happened.

**"Right—I'm off into town to pick up the dinner jackets for Dudley and me.**

Minerva: Do they sell any big enough?

**And **_**you**_**," he snarled at Harry. "You stay out of your aunt's way while she's cleaning."**

**Harry left through the back door. It was a brilliant, sunny day. He crossed the lawn, slumped down on the garden bench, and sang under his breath:**

**"Happy birthday to me... happy birthday to me..."**

Ron: I'm sorry mate, but that is a bit… sad.

Harry: I know.

**No cards, no presents, **

Hermione: But I did send you a present.

Ron: Me too.

**and he would be spending the evening pretending not to exist. He gazed miserably into the hedge. He had never felt so lonely. More than anything else at Hogwarts, more even than playing Quidditch, Harry missed his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. **

Hermione: Aww!

**They, however, didn't seem to be missing him at all. **

Hermione and Ron: WE DID!

**Neither of them had written to him all summer, **

Ron: I did. Several times.

Hermione: Me too!

**even though Ron had said he was going to ask Harry to come and stay.**

Ron: I DID!!  
**Countless times, Harry had been on the point of unlocking Hedwig's cage by magic and sending her to Ron and Hermione with a letter, but it wasn't worth the risk. Underage wizards weren't allowed to use magic outside of school. **

Minerva: But you still did it!

Harry: That time was different; there was real danger.

**Harry hadn't told the Dursleys this;**

George: Good move.

**he knew it was only their terror that he might turn them all into dung beetles **

George: That's a good one. I'll have to try it. Hey, Professor, fancy giving me some extra lessons?

Minerva: Do you really need me to answer that?

George: But it's going to be for the greater good. I want to use it against the Dursleys or even Umbridge!

Minerva: In that case, I would be delighted!

**that stopped them from locking him in the cupboard under the stairs with his wand and broomstick. **

Hermione: That's evil.

**For the first couple of weeks back, Harry had enjoyed muttering nonsense words under his breath and watching Dudley tearing out of the room as fast as his fat legs would carry him. **

All laugh.

Neville: Not very fast then.

**But the long silence from Ron and Hermione had made Harry feel so cut off from the magical world that even taunting Dudley had lost its appeal**

George: What? Were you going soft?

—**and now Ron and Hermione had forgotten his birthday.**

Ron and Hermione: WE DIDN'T!

Horace: WE KNOW!

Luna: Stop shouting please.

**What wouldn't he give now for a message from Hogwarts? From any witch or wizard? He'd almost be glad of a sight of his archenemy, Draco Malfoy, just to be sure it hadn't all been a dream...**

Neville: Why do they always say that it was a dream?

**Not that his whole year at Hogwarts had been fun. At the very end of last term, Harry had come face-to-face with none other than Lord Voldemort** **himself. **

All Weasleys: BOO!

**Voldemort** **might be a ruin of his former self, but he was still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. **

Horace: Stupid boy!

**Harry had slipped through Voldemort's** **clutches for a second time, but it had been a narrow escape, and even now, weeks later, Harry kept waking in the night, drenched in cold sweat, wondering where Voldemort** **was now, remembering his livid face, his wide, mad eyes—**

George: And then he jumped out at you and SCREAMED!!

**Harry suddenly sat bolt upright on the garden bench. He had been staring absent-mindedly into the hedge—**_**and the hedge was staring back.**_

Hermione: Of course it was.

Luna: Perhaps it was infested by a family of Crumple-Horned Snorklacks.

**Two enormous green eyes had appeared among the leaves.**

RON: ARGH! Look out it's ALIVE!

Harry: You can stop taking the Mick now!

**Harry jumped to his feet just as a jeering voice floated across the lawn.**

**"I know what day it is," sang Dudley,** **waddling toward him.**

George: Oh, well done. Ruddy great moron!

**The huge eyes blinked and vanished.**

**"What?" said Harry, not taking his eyes off the spot where they had been.**

**"I know what day it is," Dudley repeated, coming right up to him.**

**"Well done," said Harry. "So you've finally learned the days of the week."**

George: My sentiments exactly.

**"Today's your **_**birthday**_**," sneered Dudley. "How come you haven't got any cards? Haven't you even got friends at that freak place?"**

(All, except Luna, glare at the book. Minerva, Harry and the Weasleys all grind their teeth. Horace and Minerva have another shot of Firewhiskey).

**"Better not let your mum hear you talking about my school," said Harry coolly.**

**Dudley hitched up his trousers, which were slipping down his fat bottom.**

Neville: Had he never heard of a belt?

**"Why're you staring at the hedge?" he said suspiciously.**

**"I'm trying to decide what would be the best spell to set it on fire," said Harry.**

Hermione (sarcastically): Oh, _well done!_

**Dudley stumbled backward at once, a look of panic on his fat face.**

Harry: No, it was permanently like that whenever I was around.

**"You c-can't—Dad told you you're not to do m-magic**

George: (Gasp) He said… _that word!_

Ginny: Shut up George!

—**he said he'll chuck you out of the house—and you haven't got anywhere else to go—you haven't got any **_**friends**_** to take you—"**

Hermione: HE HAS!

Harry: I think we already agreed on that, Hermione.

**"**_**Jiggery pokery!**_**"**

Minerva: Oh Merlin, you did not just say that, did you?

**said Harry in a fierce voice. "**_**Hocus pocus**_

Minerva: Why do I bother?

—_**squiggly wiggly**_**—"**

Minerva: Oh Merlin!

**"MUUUUUUM!" howled Dudley, tripping over his feet as he dashed back toward the house. "MUUUUM! He's doing you know what!"**

Minerva: He fell for it? He was more idiotic than I thought.

**Harry paid dearly for his moment of fun. As neither Dudley nor the hedge was in any way hurt, Aunt Petunia knew he hadn't really done magic,**

Horace: Oh, she does know something that isn't useless gossip then!

**but he still had to duck as she aimed a heavy blow at his head with the soapy frying pan.**

(Hermione, Ginny, Minerva and Luna gasp).

Hermione: That's terrible!

Ginny: Why didn't you tell us Harry?

Harry: She never actually hurt me!

**Then she gave him work to do, with the promise he wouldn't eat again until he'd finished.**

Horace: Now _that_ is evil!

Minerva: Do you only ever think about food?

**While Dudley lolled around watching and eating ice cream,**

Harry: As per usual.

**Harry cleaned the windows, washed the car, mowed the lawn, trimmed the flowerbeds, pruned and watered the roses, and repainted the garden bench.**

George: Yikes. That's more than what Mum used to make us do when she was angry with us!

**The sun blazed overhead, burning the back of his neck. Harry knew he shouldn't have risen to Dudley's bait, but Dudley had said the very thing Harry had been thinking himself... maybe he **_**didn't**_** have any friends at Hogwarts...**

Hermione: Harry, I can't believe you would think that!

Harry: I'm sorry, I didn't get any of your letters. I thought you forgot me.

_**Wish they could see famous Harry Potter now**_ **he thought savagely as he spread manure on the flower beds, **

All: EWW!

**his back aching, sweat running down his face.**

**It was half past seven in the evening when at last, exhausted, he heard Aunt Petunia calling him.**

**"Get in here! And walk on the newspaper!"**

Neville: Oh, that's nice.

**Harry moved gladly into the shade of the gleaming kitchen. On top of the fridge stood tonight's pudding: a huge mound of whipped cream and sugared violets. A loin of roast pork was sizzling in the oven.**

Horace: Mmm…

Minerva: Stop salivating, will you? FOCUS!

**"Eat quickly! The Masons will be here soon!" snapped Aunt Petunia, pointing to two slices of bread and a lump of cheese on the kitchen table.**

Ron: I think, just for that, I will have to curse them.

Minerva: Not if I get there first.

**She was already wearing a salmon-pink cocktail dress.**

Luna: What a disgusting colour.

George: I can no longer see pink without vomiting over memories of toads.

**Harry washed his hands and bolted down his pitiful supper. The moment he had finished, Aunt Petunia whisked away his plate. "Upstairs! Hurry!"**

**As he passed the door to the living room, Harry caught a glimpse of Uncle Vernon and Dudley in bow ties and dinner jackets. **

(Ron and George snicker).

Ginny: Not looking like a nice picture in my mind, right now.

George: Is it possible to put a pig in a bow tie?

**He had only just reached the upstairs landing when the door bell rang and Uncle Vernon's furious face appeared at the foot of the stairs.**

**"Remember, boy—one sound—"**

George: Ooh, he's really scared.

**Harry crossed to his bedroom on tiptoe slipped inside, closed the door, and turned to collapse on his bed.**

**The trouble was, there was already someone sitting on it.**

Minerva: What?

Neville: Who was it?

Harry: You'll see in the next chapter. Who is up for reading next?

Horace: I'll do it.


	2. Mortal Danger again!

And so Horace began to read** Chapter 2 - Dobby's Warning.**

**Harry managed not to shout out, but it was a close thing.**

Neville: As would I if I found someone unexpected sitting on my bed.

**The little creature on the bed had large, bat-like ears and bulging green eyes the size of tennis balls.**

Luna: Why was there a house-elf sitting on your bed?

Harry: How did you guess?

Luna: I know a few house-elves. My father used to have one to help clean up after my mother's experiments, Flitsy was her name.

**Harry knew instantly that this was what had been watching him out of the garden hedge that morning.**

Ron: It's nice to know that the thing that's been stalking you is brave enough to come and sit on your bed!

**As they stared at each other, Harry heard Dudley's voice from the hall.**

"**May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"**

Horace: If we're having shots when he's impolite, what do we do when he's being polite?

Minerva: There's no point in doing anything; it'll never last. He's too horrible for that.

**The creature slipped off the bed and bowed so low that the end of its long, thin nose touched the carpet. Harry noticed that it was wearing what looked like an old pillowcase, with rips for arm- and leg-holes.**

Hermione: I still can't believe they make elves wear those things.

Ginny: Hermione, you can get back to campaigning for elf-rights when we get out of here.

"**Er—hello," said Harry nervously.**

"**Harry Potter!" said the creature in a high-pitched voice Harry was sure would carry down the stairs. "So long has Dobby**

Ron: Nice name.

**wanted to meet you, sir…Such an honour it is…."**

Harry: At least he was politer than Kreacher.

Horace: Kreacher?

Minerva: Sirius' elf.

Horace: Sirius? Sirius Black? How do you know what Sirius Black's elf was called?

Minerva: I was in the… oh, never mind. You'll probably find out later, anyway.

"**Th-thank you," said Harry, edging along the wall and sinking into his desk chair, next to Hedwig, who was asleep in her large cage. He wanted to ask, "What are you?" but thought it would sound too rude, **

Hermione: Of course it would.

**so instead he said, "Who are you?"**

"**Dobby, sir. Just Dobby. Dobby the house-elf," said the creature.**

"**Oh—really?" said Harry. "Er—I don't want to be rude or anything, but—this isn't a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom."**

George: Damn straight, it isn't.

**Aunt Petunia's high, false laugh sounded from the living room. The elf hung his head.**

"**Oh, yes, sir," said Dobby earnestly. "Dobby has come to tell you, sir…it is difficult, sir…Dobby wonders where to begin…."**

Neville: How about why you're sitting on Harry's bed?

"**Sit down," said Harry politely, pointing at the bed.**

Minerva: Uh oh.

**To his horror, the elf burst into tears—very noisy tears.**

"_**S-sit down!**_**" he wailed "**_**Never… never ever…**_**"**

Minerva: I can't believe you did that.

Harry: I had never met an elf before! How was I supposed to know what to say? It's hard being brought up by Muggles.

Hermione: I didn't find it difficult adjusting.

Harry: I meant being brought up by Muggles who hate you.

**Harry thought he heard the voices downstairs falter.**

"**I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean to offend you or anything—"**

"**Offend Dobby!" choked the elf. "Dobby has **_**never**_** been asked to sit down by a wizard—like an **_**equal**_**—"**

Ron: I don't know why, but I never really liked that elf much.

**Harry, trying to say "Shh!" and look comforting at the same time,**

Ginny: You can't, it never works.

**ushered Dobby back onto the bed where he sat hiccoughing, **

Minerva: Sounds like he was being possessed by Sibyl after she's been at the sherry.

**looking like a large and very ugly doll. At last he managed to control himself, and sat with his great eyes fixed on Harry in an expression of watery adoration.**

"**You can't have met many decent wizards," **

Ron: He can't have. Not having to serve who he did.

Horace: Who was that?

Ron: You'll see later.

**said Harry, trying to cheer him up.**

**Dobby shook his head. Then, without warning, he leapt up and started banging his head furiously on the window, shouting, "**_**Bad**_** Dobby! **_**Bad**_** Dobby!"**

(Minerva, Hermione and Horace wince. Harry, Neville and Ginny glare at the book. George looks indifferent and Luna gazes around the room dreamily).

"**Don't—what are you doing?" Harry hissed, springing up and pulling Dobby back onto the bed—Hedwig had woken up with a particularly loud screech and was beating her wings wildly against the bars of her cage.**

Neville: That cannot be a good thing.

"**Dobby had to punish himself, sir," said the elf, who had gone slightly cross-eyes. "Dobby almost spoke ill of his family, sir…."**

"**Your family?"**

"**The wizard family Dobby serves, sir….Dobby is a house-elf—bound to serve one house and one family forever…."**

(Hermione begins muttering incomprehensible insults).

Ginny: Hermione, elves are born to serve. Most of them want to. You have to accept that or I don't think that we'll all survive the rest of this book.

"**Do they know you're here?" asked Harry curiously.**

**Dobby shuddered.**

Minerva: I would say not.

"**Oh, no, sir, no…Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, sir. Dobby will have to shut his ears in the oven door for this. **

Luna: That sounds painful.

**If they ever knew, sir—"**

"**But won't they notice if you shut your ears in the oven door?"**

George: No, they were evil gits!

"**Dobby doubts it, sir. Dobby is always having to punish himself for something, sir. They lets Dobby get on with it, sir. **

Neville: That's awful.

**Sometimes they reminds me to do extra punishments…."**

Horace: Now, that is evil. I would never let that happen to Morray.

Ginny: Morray?

Horace: He's my house elf. He looks after my home when I'm teaching.

"**But why don't you leave? Escape?"**

Ginny: Because he can't.

"**A house-elf must be set free, sir. And the family will never set Dobby free…Dobby will serve the family until he dies, sir…."**

(Hermione scowls but remains determinedly silent).

**Harry stared.**

"**And I thought I had it bad staying here for another four weeks,"**

**he said. "This makes the Dursleys sound almost human. **

George: NO! It can't be!

**Can't anyone help you? Can't I?"**

**Almost at once, Harry wished he hadn't spoken. Dobby dissolved again into wails of gratitude.**

Ron: Oh Merlin. Here we go again!

"**Please," Harry whispered frantically, "please be quiet. If the Dursleys hear anything, if they know you're here—"**

George: They'll stick you back in that damn cupboard.

Minerva: One more word about that bloody cupboard and I swear I will not be held responsible for my actions.

(George stares at her, completely taken-aback).

"**Harry Potter asks if he can help Dobby…Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir, but of your goodness, Dobby never knew…."**

Harry: Well, it has been known.

Ron: I wonder if Dobby ever heard of your great modesty.

**Harry, who was feeling distinctly hot in the face, said, "Whatever you've heard about my greatness is a load of rubbish. **

Ron: LIAR!

**I'm not even top of my year at Hogwarts; that's Hermione, she—"**

**But he stopped quickly, because thinking about Hermione was painful.**

Hermione: I already said, I did send you letters!

Harry: I KNOW!!

"**Harry Potter is humble and modest," **

George: Oh, if he could see you now.

**said Dobby reverently, his orb-like eyes aglow. "Harry Potter speaks not of his triumph over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named—"**

"**Voldemort?" said Harry.**

George: You really were a lot dumber back then, weren't you?

Harry: I was twelve!

**Dobby clapped his hands over his bat ears and moaned, "Ah, speak not the name, sir! Speak not the name!"**

Hermione: Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.

Ron: We know, we know.

"**Sorry," said Harry quickly. "I know lots of people don't like it. My friend Ron—"**

**He stopped again. Thinking about Ron was painful, too.**

Ron: I sent you letters too!

Harry: I KNOW!!

**Dobby leaned toward Harry, his eyes wide as headlights.**

"**Dobby heard tell," he said hoarsely, "that Harry Potter met the Dark Lord for a second time, just weeks ago…that Harry Potter escaped **_**yet again**_**."**

George: Well, he heard right.

**Harry nodded and Dobby's eyes suddenly shone with tears.**

George: Is he going to cry because you're… alive?

"**Ah, sir," he gasped, dabbing his face with a corner of the grubby pillowcase he was wearing. "Harry Potter is valiant and bold!**

Minerva: That's why he's in my house.

Harry: Not any more, Professor.

Minerva: Nonsense; once a Gryffindor, always a Gryffindor!

**He has braved so many dangers already! **

Horace: He's right, there.

**But Dobby has come to protect Harry Potter, to warn him, even if he **_**does**_** have to shut his ears in the oven door later…**

Ron: Brave elf.

_**Harry Potter must not go back go Hogwarts**_**."**

Minerva: WHAT?

**There was a silence broken only by the chink of knives and forks from downstairs and the distant rumble** **of Uncle Vernon's voice.**

Neville: Oh no. Dursley alert!

(All look worriedly at him).

"**W-what?" Harry stammered. "But I've got to go back—term starts on September first. It's all that's keeping me going. You don't know what it's like here. I don't **_**belong**_** here. I belong in your world—at Hogwarts."**

Horace: Of course you do, m'boy. I've no idea what the elf was thinking of.

Harry: He was trying to protect me.

"**No, no, no," squeaked Dobby, shaking his head so hard his ears flapped. "Harry Potter must stay where he is safe. **

George: But if he stayed any longer, the Dursleys might not have been.

**He is too great, too good, to lose. **

George: No kidding!

**If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts, he will be in mortal danger."**

George: Anybody noticed how he is in mortal danger every year.

Ron: If he wasn't this Rowling woman wouldn't have very much to write about, would she?

"**Why?" said Harry in surprise.**

Ron: Come on, he's not Hagrid. He won't spill everything.

"**There is a plot, Harry Potter. A plot to make most terrible things happen at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year," **

George: Isn't there always?

**whispered Dobby, suddenly trembling all over. "Dobby has known it for months, sir. Harry Potter must not put himself in peril. **

Ron: But he'll do it anyway!

**He is too important, sir!"**

"**What terrible things?" said Harry at once. "Who's plotting them?"**

Ron: I already told you, he's not Hagrid!

Harry: The book can't hear you, Ron!

**Dobby made a funny choking noise and then banged his head frantically against the wall.**

Luna: Ouch!

"**All right!" cried Harry, grabbing the elf's arm to stop him. "You can tell me. I understand. But why are you warning **_**me**_**?" A sudden, unpleasant thought struck him. "hang on—this hasn't got anything to do with Vol-—sorry—with You-Know-Who, has it? **

Minerva: When doesn't it?

**You could just shake or nod," he added hastily as Dobby's head tilted worryingly close to the wall again.**

**Slowly, Dobby shook his head.**

"**Not—not **_**He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named**_**, sir—"**

Harry: Liar!

**But Dobby's eyes were wide and he seemed to be trying to give Harry a hint.**

**Harry, however, was completely lost.**

"**He hasn't got a brother, has he?"**

Minerva: URGH! I dread to think what his brother would be like if he had one.

Horace: Perish the thought.

**Dobby shook his head, his eyes wider than ever.**

"**Well then, I can't think who else would have a chance of making horrible things happen at Hogwarts," said Harry. "I mean, there's Dumbledore, for one thing—you know who Dumbledore is, don't you?"**

Horace: Who doesn't?

**Dobby bowed his head.**

"**Albus Dumbledore is the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had. Dobby knows it, sir. Dobby has heard Dumbledore's powers rival those of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at the height of his strength. But, sir"—Dobby's voice dropped to an urgent whisper—"there are powers Dumbledore doesn't…powers no decent wizard…"**

Minerva: I think a toast is in order. To Albus Dumbledore.

All: Albus Dumbledore.

**And before Harry could stop him, Dobby bounded off the bed, seized Harry's desk lamp, and started beating himself around the head with ear-splitting yelps.**

**A sudden silence fell downstairs. **

Neville: Uh oh.

**Two seconds later Harry, heart thudding madly, heard Uncle Vernon coming into the hall, calling, "Dudley must have left his television on again, the little tyke!"**

George: HE IS NOT LITTLE!

"**Quick! In the closet!" **

Hermione: HARRY!

Harry: I'm sorry. There was nowhere else for him to hide.

**hissed Harry, stuffing Dobby in, shutting the door, and flinging himself onto the bed just as the door handle turned.**

"**What—the—**_**devil**_**—are—you—doing?"** **said Uncle Vernon through gritted teeth, his face horribly close to Harry's. "You've just ruined the punch line of my Japanese golfer joke…**

George: A Japanese golfer? What kind of joke is that?

Hermione: Well, if you remember, last chapter, Harry's Aunt said that Mr Mason was a 'wonderful golfer'. He's probably trying to schmooze him.

Horace: Schmooze?

Hermione: Try to get on his good side. You know, compliment him.

**One more sound and you'll wish you'd never been born, boy!"**

**He stomped flat-footed from the room.**

**Shaking, Harry let Dobby out of the closet.**

Luna: That was nice of you.

Harry: What?

Luna: Never mind.

(All look concernedly at Luna).

"**See what it's like here?" he said. "See why I've got to go back to Hogwarts? It's the only place I've got—well, I **_**think**_** I've got friends."**

Hermione and Ron: YOU HAVE!Harry: I KNOW!

Neville: STOP SHOUTING!

"**Friends who don't even **_**write**_** to Harry Potter?" said Dobby slyly.**

Horace: Now that is low. Hang on, how does he know about the letters?

"**I expect they've just been—wait a minute," said Harry, frowning. "How do **_**you**_** know my friends haven't been writing to me?"**

Horace: That's what I said!

**Dobby shuffled his feet.**

"**Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby. Dobby did it for the best—"**

Minerva: Oh no, this doesn't sound great.

"_**Have you been stopping my letters?**_**"**

Hermione: And the penny finally drops.

Ron: What does that mean?

Hermione: Muggle saying, Ron.

"**Dobby has them here, sir," said the elf. Stepping nimbly out of Harry's reach, he pulled a thick wad of envelopes from the inside of the pillowcase he was wearing.**

**Harry could make out Hermione's neat writing, Ron's untidy scrawl, **

Ron: Told you!

Harry: I KNOW, ALREADY!!

**and even a scribble that looked as though it was from the Hogwarts gamekeeper, Hagrid.**

Hermione: That was nice of him to send a letter.

**Dobby blinked anxiously up at Harry.**

Harry: I think he thought I was going to hurt him.

Hermione: Well, serving a family like the one he did, I'm not surprised.

"**Harry Potter mustn't be angry….Dobby hoped…if Harry Potter thought his friends had forgotten him…Harry Potter might not want to go back to school,**

Harry: That would never have worked, all he managed to do was get me really angry with you.

**sir…."**

Horace: I get fed up with Morray calling me 'sir' all the time.

Hermione: Well, ask him not to.

Horace: I have, but he insists.

**Harry wasn't listening. **

Minerva: Is he ever?

**He made a grab for the letters, but Dobby jumped out of reach.**

"**Harry Potter will have them, sir, if he gives Dobby his word that he will not return to Hogwarts. Ah, sir, this is a danger you must not face! **

George: But he will, any way.

**Say you won't go back, sir!"**

All Weasleys: NO!

"**No,"** **said Harry angrily. "Give me my friends' letters!"**

Minerva: Manners, Harry.

Harry: Are you going to do that every time J.K. Rowling decides to make me forget to say please?

Minerva: Hmm… yes, why not?

"**Then Harry Potter leaves Dobby no choice," said the elf sadly.**

**Before Harry could move, Dobby had darted to the bedroom door, pulled it open, and sprinted down the stairs.**

Neville: OH…NO!

(George starts biting his fingernails).

**Mouth dry, stomach lurching, **

Luna: That must hu-

Neville: Not literally!

**Harry sprang after him, trying not to make a sound. He jumped the last six steps, landing catlike on the hall carpet, **

Harry: I learned that from you Professor.

Minerva: The only difference is when I land 'catlike' I actually am a cat.

**looking around for Dobby. From the dining room he heard Uncle Vernon saying, "…tell Petunia that very funny story about the American plumbers, Mr. Mason. She's been dying to hear…"**

(George snorts).

George: Does she even know what a plumber does?

Ginny: Do you know what a plumber does?

George: That is beside the point!

**Harry ran up the hall into the kitchen and felt his stomach disappear.**

Luna: I-

Neville: I don't want another word about that hurting, Luna, because it didn't really disappear!

**Aunt Petunia's masterpiece of a pudding, the mountain of cream and sugared violets, was floating up near the ceiling.**

Ron: UH OH.

**On top of a cupboard in the corner crouched Dobby.**

"**No," croaked Harry. "Please…they'll kill me…."**

George: You're not wrong there!

"**Harry Potter must say he's not going back to school—"**

Weasleys: NO!

"**Dobby…please…"**

"**Say it, sir—"**

Weasleys: NO!

"**I can't—"**

Weasleys: YAY!

**Dobby gave him a tragic look.**

"**Then Dobby must do it, sir, for Harry Potter's own good."**

George: How is that for your own good?

Hermione: Dobby must've thought that if the Dursleys thought that Harry wrecked the cake, they wouldn't let him go back to Hogwarts.

George: Oh, don't worry Hermione, I was just trying to get a joke out of that one, but you can go explain it all any way!

Hermione: Sorry.

**The pudding fell to the floor with a heart-stopping crash.**

Luna: That-

Neville: HIS HEART DID NOT STOP, LUNA!!

Luna: I was just going to say how that must have made a mess.

Neville: Oh… s-sorry.

**Cream splattered the windows and walls as the dish shattered. **

Luna: SEE?

**With a crack like a whip, Dobby vanished.**

**There were screams from the dining room **

George: That would be your Uncle and your piggy cousin.

**and Uncle Vernon burst into the kitchen to find Harry, rigid with shock, covered from head to foot in Aunt Petunia's pudding.**

Minerva: You just look even more guilty.

Horace: Thank you, Minerva, I think we had all figured that out!

**At first, it looked as though Uncle Vernon would manage to gloss the whole thing over. **

Ginny: Somehow, I can't see that happening.

**("Just our nephew—very disturbed—meeting strangers upsets him, so we kept him upstairs…") **

(Harry growls).

**He shooed the shocked Masons back into the dining room, promised Harry he would flay him to within an inch of his life when the Masons had left, and handed him a mop.**

Hermione: Oh, well, that's nice!

Ron: I think we already concluded that they are not nice and no amount of sarcasm will ever change that, okay?

**Aunt Petunia dug some ice cream out of the freezer and Harry, still shaking, started scrubbing the kitchen clean.**

**Uncle Vernon might still have been able to make his deal—if it hadn't been for the owl.**

Neville: That's got to be the icing on the cake. Pardon the pun.

**Aunt Petunia was just passing around a box of after-dinner mints when a huge barn owl swooped through the dining room window, dropped a letter on Mrs. Mason's head, and swooped out again. Mrs. Mason screamed like a banshee and ran from the house shouting about lunatics.**

Harry: Well, she was partly right!

**Mr. Mason stayed just long enough to tell the Dursleys that his wife was mortally afraid of birds of all shapes and sizes, and to ask whether this was their idea of a joke.**

Ron: HAH! That'll teach them for being mean to Harry.

Ginny: No it won't, you idiot!

**Harry stood in the kitchen, clutching the mop for support, as Uncle Vernon advanced on him, a demonic glint in his tiny eyes.**

Horace: That's not good.

"**Read it!" he hissed evilly, brandishing the letter the owl had delivered. "Go on—read it!"**

**Harry took it. It did not contain birthday greetings.**

George: No surprise there, then.

_**Dear Mr. Potter,**_

_**We have received intelligence that a Hover Charm was used at your place of residence this evening at twelve minutes past nine.**_

Minerva: Like you would know a hover charm that your age!

_**As you know, underage wizards are not permitted to perform spells outside school,**_

Ginny: But he didn't!

All (except Ginny and Luna): WE KNOW!

_**and further spellwork on your part may lead to expulsion from said school (Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery, 1875, Paragraph C).**_

_**We must also ask you to remember that any magical activity that risks notice by members of the non-magical community (Muggles) **_

George: That would be this one, then.

_**is a serious offence under section 13 of the International Confederation of Warlocks' Statute of Secrecy.**_

_**Enjoy your holidays!**_

Horace: Nice way to end it!

_**Yours sincerely,**_

_**Mafalda Hopkirk**_

Horace: She was always a clever girl.

Minerva: Was she in your Slug Club thing?

Horace: No, unfortunately.

_**IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE**_

**Ministry of Magic.**

**Harry looked up from the letter and gulped.**

"**You didn't tell us you weren't allowed to use magic outside school," **

George: NOOOO! If he didn't know that, you could have tried to get away with so much more.

**said Uncle Vernon, a mad gleam dancing in his eyes. "Forgot to mention it….Slipped your mind, I daresay…."**

(George starts banging his head on the table).

**He was bearing down on Harry like a great bulldog, all his teeth bared. "Well, I've got news for you, boy….I'm locking you up….**

George (still banging his head): GRRR!

Minerva: Please stop that, George, you'll hurt yourself.

(George stops).

**You're never going back to that school…never…and if you try and magic yourself out—they'll expel you!"**

Neville: Well, it seems like Dobby got what he wanted.

Harry: Not for long.

**And laughing like a maniac, **

George: I don't know why, he always seemed to be too… miserable to be able to laugh.

Harry: Oh he is, when it's a normal laugh. When it's manic laughter… watch out!

**he dragged Harry back upstairs.**

Luna: Ouch.

Neville: Luna, for once, you are right.

**Uncle Vernon was as bad as his word. The following morning, he paid a man to fit bars on Harry's window. **

Minerva: WHAT? Wait until I get my hands on that man! He won't know what's hit him.

Horace: Yes he will, it'll be the mad Scottish cat-witch!

Minerva: You will never learn, will you?

Horace: I beg your pardon?

(A loud pop echoes around the room and a walrus sits in Horace's place).

Minerva: Never mess with an old Transfiguration teacher.

(Another pop and Horace is restored to his usual big-moustached self).

**He himself fitted a cat-flap in the bedroom door, so that small amounts of food could be pushed inside three times a day.**

Ginny: That's awful.

**They let Harry out to use the bathroom morning and evening.**

George: Yikes.

**Otherwise, he was locked in his room around the clock.**

Harry: At least I didn't have to see their faces all day.

**Three days later, the Dursleys were showing no sign of relenting, and Harry couldn't see any way out of his situation. He lay on his bed watching the sun sinking behind the bars on the window and wondered miserably what was going to happen to him.**

George: Ah, this is where we come in.

Ron: Not just yet.

**What was the good of magicking himself out of his room if Hogwarts would expel him for doing it? **

Minerva: You couldn't do that anyway, you didn't know how.

**Yet life at Privet Drive had reached an all-time low. Now that the Dursleys knew they weren't going to wake up as fruit bats, **

George: Can you teach me that one as well, Professor?

Minerva: I suppose so, on the condition that you hunt down that toad-woman and use it against her.

George: It will be my pleasure.

**he had lost his only weapon. Dobby might have saved Harry from the horrible happenings at Hogwarts, but the way things were going, he'd probably starve to death anyway.**

Hermione: That wouldn't happen. Not very soon, anyway.

**The cat-flap rattled and Aunt Petunia's hand appeared, pushing a bowl of canned soup into the room. Harry, whose insides were aching with hunger, jumped off his bed and seized it. The soup was stone-cold, but he drank half of it in one gulp.**

Horace: EWW.

Luna: I like cold soup; it's really not that bad.

**Then he crossed the room to Hedwig's cage and tipped the soggy vegetables at the bottom of the bowl into her empty food tray. She ruffled her feathers and gave him a look of deep disgust.**

Ron: I'm not surprised. Who can stand cold soup? Apart from Luna, I mean.

Harry: Hedwig had great taste.

"**It's no good turning your beak up at it—that's all we've got," said Harry grimly.**

**He put the empty bowl back on the floor next to the cat-flap and lay back down on the bed, somehow even hungrier than he had been before the soup.**

**The room was growing dark. Exhausted, stomach rumbling, mind spinning **

Luna: It's always hard to get to sleep when you're thinking too much. But you must've got really dizzy with your mind spinning like that, Harry.

(Neville sighs deeply).

**over the same unanswerable questions, Harry fell into an uneasy sleep.**

**He dreamed that he was on show in a zoo,** **with a card reading UNDERAGE WIZARD attached to his cage. **

George: Well, this sounds like an interesting dream.

Ginny: Boy, Ms Rowling really does like zoos, doesn't she?

**People goggled through the bars at him as he lay, starving and weak, on a bed of straw. He saw Dobby's face in the crowd and shouted out, asking for help, but Dobby called, "Harry Potter is safe** **there, sir!" **

Hermione: Dobby did say that an awful lot, didn't he?

**and vanished. Then the Dursleys appeared and Dudley rattled the bars of the cage, laughing at him.**

Horace: Do we have another shot because he was horrible in Harry's dream?

Minerva: Why not?

(Both have yet another shot of Firewhiskey).

"**Stop it," Harry muttered as the rattling pounded in his sore head. "Leave me alone…cut it out…I'm trying sleep…"**

**He opened his eyes. Moonlight was shining through the bars on the window. And someone **_**was**_** goggling through the bars at him: a freckle-faced, red-haired, long-nosed someone.**

Ron (gasps): Harry, how could you?

**Ron Weasley was outside Harry's window.**

(All Weasleys cheer).

Horace: And the chapter is finished. Who's next for reading?

Ron: Go on then.


	3. The Burrow!

Ron opened the book and cheered.

"What is it?" asked Ginny.

"I think we're going to like this chapter." He replied.

"Why's that?" enquired Harry.

Ron began to read:

**Chapter 3 The Burrow**

(All, except Horace, cheer).

Ron: Told you.

"_**Ron!**_**" breathed Harry, creeping to the window and pushing it up so they could talk through the bars. "Ron, how did you—What the—?"**

Harry: That was AWESOME!

**Harry's mouth fell open as the full impact of what he was seeing hit him. Ron was leaning out of the back window of an old turquoise car, which was parked **_**in midair**_**. **

Minerva: You didn't?

George: We did.

Horace: Did what?

Ginny: You'll see.

**Grinning at Harry from the front seats were Fred and George, **

Ginny: You never stopped grinning.

**Ron's older twin brothers.**

"**All right, Harry?" asked George.**

Harry: Did I look alright?

"**What's been going on?" said Ron. "Why haven't you been answering my letters? **

Harry: Because I didn't get them.

Ron: I KNOW!

**I've asked you to stay about twelve times, and then Dad came home and said you'd got an official warning for using magic in front of Muggles—"**

"**It wasn't me—and how did he know?"**

George: Because the walls have ears!

Ginny: Shut up, George!

"**He works for the Ministry," said Ron. "You **_**know**_** we're not supposed to do spells outside school—"**

Harry: I didn't.

"**You should talk," said Harry, staring at the floating car.**

"**Oh, this doesn't count," said Ron. "We're only borrowing this. **

Minerva: And, by the sounds of that, Molly didn't know.

Ron: She didn't.

Minerva: I do not envy you, assuming, of course, that she found out, which she always does.

**It's Dad's, **_**we**_** didn't enchant it. But doing magic in front of those Muggles you live with—"**

"**I told you, I didn't—but it'll take too long to explain now**

George: You also sound like an idiot complaining about house-elves who like to levitate cake and keep you away from school.

—**look, can you tell them at Hogwarts that the Dursleys have locked me up and won't let me come back, and obviously I can't magic myself out, because the Ministry'll think that's the second spell I've done in three days, **

Hermione: Which it wouldn't be.

**so—"**

"**Stop gibbering," said Ron. "We've come to take you home with us."**

George: Weasley Brothers TO THE RESCUE!!

"**But you can't magic me out either—"**

"**We don't need to," **

Horace: I don't like where you're going with this.

**said Ron, jerking his head toward the front seat and grinning. "You forget who I've got with me."**

(George grins).

"**Tie that around the bars," said Fred, throwing the end of a rope to Harry.**

"**If the Dursleys wake up, I'm dead," **

Ginny: Or they'll be dead from the shock of seeing a flying car outside their house.

**said Harry as he tied the rope tightly around a bar and Fred revved up the car.**

"**Don't worry," said Fred, "and stand back."**

Neville: Oh no, did you really…

George (still grinning): Yep!

**Harry moved back into the shadows next to Hedwig, who seemed to have realized how important this was and kept still and silent. **

Harry: Clever girl.

**The car revved louder and louder and suddenly, with a crunching noise, the bars were pulled clean out of the window** **as Fred drove straight up in the air. **

Horace: Oh Merlin.

**Harry ran back to the window to see the bars dangling a few feet above the ground. Panting, Ron hoisted them up into the car. Harry listened anxiously, but there was no sound from the Dursleys' bedroom.**

Hermione: What? Could they sleep through a hurricane?

Harry: Probably.

**When the bars were safely in the back seat with Ron, Fred reversed as close as possible to Harry's window.**

"**Get in," Ron said.**

"**But all my Hogwarts stuff—my wand—my broomstick—"**

Minerva: Can be retrieved, by someone more skilled than yourselves, at a later date. But, you wouldn't think of that, would you?

"**Where is it?"**

"**Locked in the cupboard under the stairs, and I can't get out of this room—"**

"**No problem," said George from the front passenger seat. "Out of the way, Harry."**

Harry: Why aren't you lecturing him about his manners?

Minerva: Oh, I gave up on _that_ years ago.

**Fred and George climbed catlike through the window into Harry's room.**

Minerva: Why does she insist on writing that? She knows I'm the only real cat around here.

Hermione: When you say _real_ cat…

**You had to hand it to them, thought Harry, as George took an ordinary hairpin from his pocket and started to pick the lock.**

"**A lot of wizards think it's a waste of time, knowing this sort of Muggle trick," **

Horace: I used that trick once. It was the summer holiday of my third year…

Minerva: Back in the stone age.

Horace:… and I wanted to get into my brother's bedroom…

Minerva: Or cave.

Horace:… and you do _not _want to know what I discovered in there!

**said Fred, "but we feel they're skills worth learning, even if they are a bit slow."**

Horace: Too true.

**There was a small click and the door swung open.**

"**So—we'll get your trunk—you grab anything you need from your room and hand it out to Ron," whispered George.**

"**Watch out for the bottom stair—it creaks,"**

Hermione: Hmm, some sound advice there.

**Harry whispered back as the twins disappeared onto the dark landing.**

**Harry dashed around his room, collecting things and passing them out of the window to Ron. Then he went to help Fred and George heave his trunk up the stairs. **

Luna: What a gentleman.

Harry: Cheers, Luna.

**Harry heard Uncle Vernon cough.**

Ron: That's interesting.

**At last, panting, they reached the landing, then carried the trunk through Harry's room to the open window. Fred climbed back into the car to pull with Ron, and Harry and George pushed from the bedroom side. Inch by inch, the trunk slid through the window.**

**Uncle Vernon coughed again.**

Neville: Is that relevant? Because she's writing it a lot.

"**A bit more," panted Fred, who was pulling from inside the car. "One good push—"**

George: Honestly, did you fill your trunk with rocks, or something?

**Harry and George threw their shoulders against the trunk and it slid out of the window into the back seat of the car.**

"**Okay, let's go," George whispered.**

Harry: If only it were that easy.

**But as Harry climbed out onto the windowsill there came a sudden loud screech from behind him,** **followed immediately by the thunder of Uncle Vernon's voice.**

Luna: Oh no, this is not going well.

"**THAT RUDDY OWL!"**

Harry: Was the best owl a guy could wish for!

"**I've forgotten Hedwig!"**

Ginny: Well done, genius!

**Harry tore back across the room as the landing light clicked on**

Neville: Oh no.

—**he snatched up Hedwig's cage, dashed to the window, and passed it out to Ron. He was scrambling back onto the chest of drawers when Uncle Vernon hammered on the unlocked door—and it crashed open.**

Luna: This is really not good.

**For a split second, Uncle Vernon stood framed in the doorway; then he let out a bellow like an angry bull and dived at Harry, **

George: And crashed through the floor, leaving a huge, Dursley-shaped hole in Harry's bedroom floor. Harry went peered down the hole, only to discover Uncle Vernon lying in a dusty heap right next to the sofa. Harry took his chance while he could and legged it before Uncle Vernon regained consciousness.

Ron: Okay… anyone want to hear the real story?

All (except George): YES!

**grabbing him by the ankle.**

**Ron, Fred, and George seized Harry's arms and pulled as hard as they could.**

Harry: I thought you were going to tear me in half, the way you were going.

"**Petunia!" roared Uncle Vernon. "He's getting away! HE'S GETTING AWAY!"**

Horace: Melodramatic or what?

**But the Weasleys gave a gigantic tug and Harry's leg slid out of Uncle Vernon's grasp—Harry was in the car—he'd slammed the door shut—**

"**Put your foot down, Fred!" yelled Ron and the car shot suddenly toward the moon.**

**Harry couldn't believe it—he was free. **

All: YAY!

Minerva: Wait, Horace, that means we won't be drinking for a while.

Horace: Oh… PUT HIM BACK! PUT HIM BACK!

Harry: Hey!

Horace: Sorry, it was the Firewhiskey talking.

Minerva (muttering): No it wasn't.

**He rolled down the window, the night air whipping his hair, and looked back at the shrinking rooftops of Privet Drive. Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley were all hanging, dumbstruck, out of Harry's window.**

Neville: I wish I could have seen that.

"**See you next summer!" Harry yelled.**

(All laugh… lots).

**The Weasleys roared with laughter and Harry settled back in his seat, grinning from ear to ear.**

**George handed the hairpin to Ron and, a moment later, Hedwig soared joyfully out of the window **

Ginny: Nothing like watching an owl fly at night.

George: No, especially not when its flying next to an old Ford Anglia.

**to glide alongside them like a ghost.**

"**So—what's the story, Harry?" said Ron impatiently. "What's been happening?"**

Harry: Looooong story!

**Harry told them all about Dobby, the warning he'd given Harry and the fiasco of the violet pudding. There was a long, shocked silence when he had finished.**

"**Very fishy," said Fred finally.**

"**Definitely dodgy," agreed George.**

George: We should know.

"**So he wouldn't even tell you who's supposed to be plotting all this stuff?"**

"**I don't think he could," said Harry. "I told you, every time he got close to letting something slip, he started banging his head against the wall."**

Minerva: Maybe Hagrid should have done that.

**He saw Fred and George look at each other.**

"**What, you think he was lying to me?" said Harry.**

"**Well," said Fred, "put it this way—house-elves have got powerful magic of their own, but they can't usually use it without their master's permission. **

**I reckon old Dobby was sent to stop you coming back to Hogwarts. Someone's idea of a joke. **

Harry: If only.

**Can you think of anyone at school with a grudge against you?"**

Weasleys, Harry, Hermione and Neville: YES!

"**Yes," said Harry and Ron together, instantly.**

"**Draco Malfoy," Harry explained. "He hates me."**

George: Who didn't he hate?

Ron: _Didn't?_

Ginny: Yeah, he's mellowed down quite a bit in these past years.

(Ron snorts).

"**Draco Malfoy?" said George, turning around. "Not Lucius Malfoy's son?"**

Ron: Who else?

"**Must be, it's not a very common name, is it?" **

George: Well done, Harry.

**said Harry. "Why?"**

"**I've heard Dad talking about him," said George. "He was a big supporter of You-Know-Who."**

Harry: And was 'til the end.

"**And when You-Know-Who disappeared," said Fred, craning around to look at Harry, "Lucius Malfoy came back saying he'd never meant any of it. **

All: LIAR!

**Load of dung**

Horace: Couldn't have put it better myself.

—**Dad reckons he was right in You-Know-Who's inner circle."**

**Harry had heard these rumours about Malfoy's family before and they didn't surprise him at all. Malfoy made Dudley Dursley look like a kind, thoughtful, and sensitive boy.**

George: Ain't that the truth?

"**I don't know whether the Malfoys own a house-elf…"**

Harry: They do. Several of them.

**said Harry.**

"**Well, whoever owns him will be an old wizarding family, and they'll be rich," said Fred.**

Ron: Sounds about right, then.

"**Yeah, Mum's always wishing we had a house-elf to do the ironing," **

Hermione: So do I!

**said George. "But all we've got is a lousy old ghoul in the attic and gnomes all over the garden. House-elves come with big old manors and castles and places like that; you wouldn't catch one in our house…."**

**Harry was silent. Judging by the fact that Draco Malfoy usually had the best of everything, **

Hermione: Except family.

Ron: Yeah, that prize goes to us!

(All Weasleys and Harry cheer).

**his family was rolling in wizard gold; he could just see Malfoy strutting around a large manor house. **

Harry: And, oh how right I was.

**Sending the family servant to stop Harry from going back to Hogwarts also sounded exactly like the sort of thing Malfoy would do. **

Hermione: But he didn't.

**Had Harry been stupid to take Dobby seriously?**

Luna: No.

"**I'm glad we came to get you, anyway," said Ron. "I was getting really worried when you didn't answer any of my letters. **

Harry: That was because I didn't get them.

Everyone else: WE KNOW!

**I thought it was Errol's fault at first -"**

"**Who's Errol?"**

George: Bloody bird.

"**Our owl. He's ancient. It wouldn't be the first time he'd collapsed on a delivery. So then I tried to borrow Hermes—"**

Minerva: I have a brother called Hermes.

Hermione: Really?

Minerva: Yes, my mother had a thing about naming her children after Gods and Goddesses.

"_**Who?**_**"**

"**The owl Mum and Dad bought Percy when he was made prefect," said Fred from the front.**

"**But Percy wouldn't lend him to me," said Ron. "Said he needed him."**

"**Percy's been acting very oddly this summer," **

Ginny: He always does.

**said George, frowning. "And he **_**has**_** been sending a lot of letters and spending a load of time shut up in his room…**

George: Probably reading dirty magazines.

Ginny: It wouldn't surprise me.

Ron: You know, now I come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I found an issue of PlayWizard magazine in his room once.

**I mean, there's only so many times you can polish a prefect badge…**

Ron: Not in Percy's case.

**You're driving too far west, Fred," he added, pointing at a compass on the dashboard. Fred twiddled the steering wheel.**

"**So, does your dad know you've got the car?" **

Harry: That would be a 'no'!

**said Harry, guessing the answer.**

"**Er, no," said Ron, "he had to work tonight. Hopefully we'll be able to get it back in the garage without Mum noticing we flew it."**

Hermione: You wish.

"**What does your dad do at the Ministry of Magic, anyway?"**

George: Don't ask.

"**He works in the most boring department," said Ron. "The Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office."**

"**The **_**what**_**?"**

Minerva: It does exactly what it says on the tin, really.

Luna: What tin?

Hermione: It's a Muggle expression.

Luna: The Muggles have a lot of expressions, don't they?

"**It's all to do with bewitching things that are Muggle-made, you know, in case they end up back in a Muggle shop or house. Like, last year, some old witch died and her tea set was sold to an antiques shop. **

Neville: I don't like where you're going with this.

**This Muggle woman bought it, took it home, and tried to serve her friends tea in it. It was a nightmare—Dad was working overtime for weeks."**

"**What happened?"**

Horace: Do we really want to know?

"**The teapot went berserk and squirted boiling tea all over the place and one man ended up in the hospital with the sugar tongs clamped to his nose.**

(All snicker).

**Dad was going frantic—it's only him and an old warlock called Perkins in the office—and they had to do Memory Charms and all sorts of stuff to cover it up -"**

Ron: Yeah, he was talking about that one for weeks.

"**But your dad—**

George: Is awesome.

**this car—"**

George: Is awesome.

Ginny: We get it.

**Fred laughed. "Yeah, Dad's crazy about everything to do with Muggles; **

Minerva: Why not? Muggles are fascinating.

Harry: Not all of them.

**our shed's full of Muggle stuff. He takes it apart, puts spells on it, and puts it back together again. If he raided **_**our **_**house he'd have to put himself under arrest. **

Horace: I would like to see that.

**It drives Mum mad."**

"**That's the main road," said George, peering down through the windshield. "We'll be there in ten minutes….Just as well, it's getting light…."**

**A faint pinkish glow was visible along the horizon to the east.**

**Fred brought the car lower, and Harry saw a dark patchwork of fields and clumps of trees.**

Luna: That sounds lovely.

"**We're a little way outside the village," said George. "Ottery St. Catchpole."**

Hermione: I've never heard of that village before.

George: You wouldn't want to, it's dull as dishwater.

**Lower and lower went the flying car. The edge of a brilliant red sun was now gleaming through the trees.**

"**Touchdown!"** **said Fred as, with a slight bump, they hit the ground. They had landed next to a tumbledown garage in a small yard, and Harry looked out for the first time at Ron's house.**

Harry: Which is amazing!

**It looked as though it had once been a large stone pigpen, but extra rooms had been added here and there **

(All Weasleys glare at book).

Minerva: Ooh, wrong thing to write.

**until it was several stories high and so crooked it looked as though it were held up by magic (which, Harry reminded himself, it probably was). **

Ron: No it wasn't.

**Four or five chimneys were perched on top of the red roof. A lopsided sign stuck in the ground near the entrance read, THE BURROW. **

(All Weasleys cheer).

Harry: It was an awesome house.

**Around the front door lay a jumble of rubber boots and a very rusty cauldron. Several fat brown chickens were pecking their way around the yard.**

"**It's not much," said Ron.**

"**It's **_**wonderful**_**," **

Weasleys: Damn right!

**said Harry happily, thinking of Privet Drive.**

**They got out of the car.**

George: And were swallowed up in a huge pit and sucked down into the Earth's core, where they were burnt to cinders and-

Ginny: Shut up.

"**Now, we'll go upstairs really quietly," said Fred, "and wait for Mum to call us for breakfast. Then, Ron, you come bounding downstairs going, 'Mum, look who turned up in the night!' and she'll be all pleased to see Harry and no one need ever know we flew the car."**

Hermione: Your mother is not that stupid.

"**Right," said Ron. "Come on, Harry, I sleep at the—at the top—"**

**Ron had gone a nasty greenish colour, his eyes fixed on the house. **

Neville: Why was that?

Ron: I thought Harry would hate it.

Harry: I could never hate it, Ron, especially not after what I had to put up with when I was in Privet Drive.

**The other three wheeled around.**

**Mrs. Weasley was marching across the yard, scattering chickens, and for a short, plump, **

George: J.K. Rowling is really making trouble for herself here.

**kind-faced woman, **

Ginny: Well, that's a bit better, I suppose.

**it was remarkable how much she looked like a sabre-toothed tiger.**

Horace: How is that possible?

"_**Ah**_**," said Fred.**

"**Oh, dear," said George.**

**Mrs. Weasley came to a halt in front of them, her hands on her hips, staring from one guilty face to the next. **

Minerva: You are in for it now.

**She was wearing a flowered apron with a wand sticking out of the pocket.**

"_**So**_**," she said.**

Horace: Uh oh.

"**Morning, Mum," said George, in what he clearly thought was a jaunty, winning voice.**

Ron: Nice try.

"**Have you any idea how worried I've been?" said Mrs. Weasley in a deadly whisper.**

Luna: Oh, that is not positive.

"**Sorry, Mum, but see, we had to—"**

**All three of Mrs. Weasley's sons were taller than she was, but they cowered as her rage broke over them.**

Minerva (winces): Good luck with that.

"_**Beds empty! No note! Car gone—could have crashed—out of my mind with worry—did you care?—never, as long as I've lived—you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy—**_**"**

Minerva: She's right, you know.

"**Perfect Percy," muttered Fred.**

George: Uh oh.

"**YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY'S BOOK!" yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred's chest. "You could have **_**died**_**, you could have been **_**seen**_**, you could have lost your father his **_**job**_**—"**

**It seemed to go on for hours. **

Hermione: I think I would have reacted the same way.

Ron: Really?

Hermione: Well, maybe not quite so bad…

**Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.**

Neville: Good move.

"**I'm very pleased to see you, Harry, dear," she said. "Come in and have some breakfast."**

Minerva: I always found it interesting how your mother could switch moods so quickly.

Ron: We may never know how she did it.

**She turned and walked back into the house and Harry, after a nervous glance at Ron, who nodded encouragingly, followed her.**

Ginny: Was somebody nervous, Harry?

Harry: Of course not.

**The kitchen was small and rather cramped. **

George: Much like most of the rest of the house.

Harry: I really liked the Burrow.

**There was a scrubbed wooden table and chairs in the middle, and Harry sat down on the edge of his seat, looking around. He had never been in a wizard house before.**

**The clock on the wall opposite him had only one hand and no numbers at all. Written around the edge were things like **_**Time to make tea, time to feed the chickens**_**, and **_**You're late.**_

Harry: I always loved that clock.

**Books were stacked three deep on the mantelpiece, books with titles like **_**Charm Your Own Cheese: Enchantment in Baking**_**, and **_**One Minute Feasts—It's Magic!**_

Hermione: Hmm… they sound… interesting.

**And unless Harry's ears were deceiving him, the old radio next to the sink had just announced that coming up was "Witching Hour, with the popular singing sorceress, Celestina Warbeck."**

Horace: She was a good student.

Minerva: If I remember correctly, she was terrible in most of the lessons except Charms.

Horace: Well…

**Mrs. Weasley was clattering around, cooking breakfast a little haphazardly, throwing dirty looks at her sons as she threw sausages into the frying pan. **

George: And that's how you know that she's angry.

Ginny: It's nothing to do with the shouting, then?

**Every now and then she muttered things like "don't know **_**what**_** you were thinking of," and "**_**never**_** would have believed it."**

"**I don't blame **_**you**_**, dear," she assured Harry, tipping eight or nine sausages onto his plate.**

Hermione: You didn't eat all of those, did you?

"**Arthur and I have been worried about you, too. Just last night we were saying we'd come and get you ourselves if you hadn't written back to Ron by Friday.**

Minerva: Well, at least that way would be legal.

**But really," (she was now adding three fried eggs to his plate)**

Hermione: How do you eat so much?

"**flying an illegal car halfway across the country—anyone could have seen you -"**

**She flicked her wand casually at the dishes in the sink, which began to clean themselves, **

George: It was lucky she could do that or she would have made us clean them.

**clinking gently in the background.**

"**It was **_**cloudy**_**, Mum!" said Fred.**

"**You keep your mouth closed while you're eating!" Mrs. Weasley snapped.**

Horace: She has a point.

"**They were starving him, Mum!" said George.**

"**And you!" said Mrs. Weasley, but it was with a slightly softened expression that she started cutting Harry bread and buttering it for him.**

George: Nice to know that your mother favours you, isn't it?

**At that moment there was a diversion in the form of a small, red-headed figure in a long nightdress, who appeared in the kitchen, gave a small squeal, and ran out again.**

(Ginny blushes).

"**Ginny," said Ron in an undertone to Harry. "My sister. She's been talking about you all summer."**

Ginny: I DID NOT!

Ron: You did.

(Ginny blushes and seems to find her hands of the utmost interest).

"**Yeah, she'll be wanting your autograph, Harry," Fred said with a grin, but he caught his mother's eye and bent his face over his plate without another word.**

Neville: Wise move.

**Nothing more was said until all four plates were clean, which took a surprisingly short time.**

"_**Blimey**_**, I'm tired," yawned Fred, setting down his knife and fork at last. "I think I'll got to bed and—"**

Ginny: Nice try.

"**You will not," snapped Mrs. Weasley. "It's your own fault you've been up all night. **

Horace: That is a bit harsh.

**You're going to de-gnome the garden for me; they're getting completely out of hand again—"**

"**Oh, Mum—"**

"**And you two," she said, glaring at Ron and Fred. "You can go up to bed, dear," she added to Harry. **

Harry: Your mum was always nice to me.

"**You didn't ask them to fly that wretched car—"**

Ron: But thank Merlin we did!

**But Harry, who felt wide awake, said quickly, "I'll help Ron. I've never seen a de-gnoming—"**

Luna: They're boring.

"**That's very sweet of you, dear, but it's dull work," said Mrs. Weasley. "Now, let's see what Lockhart's got to say on the subject—"**

(Minerva and George groan).

**And she pulled a heavy book **

Harry: How did he manage to get so many books published.

**from the stack on the mantelpiece. George groaned.**

"**Mum, we know how to de-gnome a garden—"**

**Harry looked at the cover of Mrs. Weasley's book. Written across it in fancy gold letters were the words **_**Gilderoy Lockhart's**_ _**Guide to Household Pets**_**. **

All (except Horace): NOOO!

Minerva: Why must J.K. Rowling torture us like this?

**There was a big photograph on the front of a very good-looking wizard **

Minerva: That is a matter of opinion.

**with wavy blond hair and bright blue eyes. As always in the wizarding world, the photograph was moving; the wizard, who Harry supposed was Gilderoy Lockhart, kept winking cheekily up at them all. **

Ron: Shame he did that in real life, too.

**Mrs. Weasley beamed down at him.**

"**Oh, he is marvellous," **

(Minerva snorts).

Minerva: Are you sure about that?

**she said. "He knows his household pests, all right, it's a wonderful book…."**

George: Can he even write?

"**Mum **_**fancies**_** him," said Fred, in a very audible whisper.**

"**Don't be so ridiculous, Fred," said Mrs. Weasley, her cheeks rather pink. **

Minerva: Well, there's a tell, if ever I saw one.

Luna: A tell?

Neville: A sign that someone is lying, or something of the like.

"**All right, if you think you know better than Lockhart, **

George: Which we do.

**you can go and get on with it, and woe betide you if there's a single gnome in that garden when I come out to inspect it."**

Neville: I never saw a de-gnoming. Uncle Algie always did it and he insisted that I stay indoors while he did. No idea why.

**Yawning and grumbling, the Weasleys slouched outside with Harry behind them. The garden was large, and in Harry's eyes, exactly what a garden should be. **

Ginny: Aww shucks.

**The Dursleys wouldn't have liked it**

Harry: They wouldn't like anything that wasn't absolutely pristine.

George: Gits.

—**there were plenty of weeds, and the grass needed cutting—but there were gnarled trees all around the walls, plants Harry had never seen spilling from every flower bed, **

Minerva: Yes, I do recall Molly being quite fond of Herbology.

Ron: Shame she never passed that interest onto us.

**and a big green pond full of frogs.**

"**Muggles have garden gnomes, too, you know," Harry told Ron as they crossed the lawn.**

Horace: Those things always unsettled me.

Minerva: Now I know what to get you for Christmas.

"**Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes," said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, "like fat little Santa Clauses **

Hermione: Santa Clause does tend to be fat.

**with fishing rods…"**

**There was a violent scuffling noise, the peony bush shuddered, and Ron straightened up. "**_**This**_** is a gnome," he said grimly.**

"**Gerroff me! Gerroff me!" squealed the gnome.**

Horace: That little fellow was a very pleasant gnome, compared to some of the ones I've seen.

Minerva: What do you mean?

Horace: The ones in my garden swear like troopers.

Luna: Like what?

Harry: It's a Muggle expression.

**It was certainly nothing like Santa Claus. **

George: No kidding?

**It was small and leathery looking, with a large, knobbly, bald head exactly like a potato. Ron held it at arm's length as it kicked out at him with its horny little feet; he grasped it around the ankles and turned it upside down.**

Neville: That's nice of you.

"**This is what you have to do," he said. He raised the gnome above his head ("Gerroff me!") and started to swing it in great circles like a lasso. Seeing the shocked look on Harry's face, Ron added, "It doesn't **_**hurt**_** them**

Hermione: Apart from the bit where their heads hit the hard ground after being thrown feet up into the air.

Horace: Actually, gnomes have remarkably tough bones.

(Hermione huffs).

—**you've just got to make them really dizzy so they can't find their way back to the gnomeholes."**

Horace: I think I once managed to throw a gnome about thirty feet.

Minerva: I got fifty, beat that.

**He let go of the gnome's ankles: It flew twenty feet into the air and landed with a thud in the field over the hedge.**

Ron: That was an awful attempt.

"**Pitiful," said Fred. "I bet I can get mine beyond that stump."**

**Harry learned quickly not to feel too sorry for the gnomes. He decided just to drop the first one he caught over the hedge, **

Ginny: That won't work.

**but the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's finger and he had a hard job shaking it off—until—**

Harry: That did hurt.

Ginny: Wimp.

"**Wow, Harry—that must've been fifty feet…."**

(Harry and Minerva look at each other).

Minerva: Well done, Harry.

Harry: It was a fluke.

**The air was soon thick with flying gnomes.**

"**See, they're not too bright," **

George: They sound like you, Ron!

**said George, seizing five or six gnomes at once. **

Ginny: How'd you manage that?

George: Strength, my dear sister, strength.

"**The moment they know the de-gnoming's going on they storm up to have a look. You'd think they'd have learned by now just to stay put."**

George: We all know that would never happen.

**Soon, the crowd of gnomes in the field started walking away in a straggling line, their little shoulders hunched.**

"**They'll be back," said Ron as they watched the gnomes disappear into the hedge on the other side of the field. "They love it here….Dad's too soft with them; **

Ginny: He's soft with everyone.

**he thinks they're funny…."**

Luna: My dad never liked de-gnoming; he said it was degrading for the gnomes to be treated that way.

Hermione: I quite agree.

Harry: You would.

**Just then, the front door slammed.**

"**He's back!" said George. "Dad's home!"**

Ginny: Yeah, he'll take pity on you.

**They hurried through the garden and back into the house.**

**Mr. Weasley was slumped in a kitchen chair with his glasses off and his eyes closed. He was a thin man, going bald, but the little hair he had was as red as any of his children's. **

Neville: Can Ms. Rowling be kind about anyone?

**He was wearing long green robes,**

George: Why all the green?

**which were dusty and travel-worn.**

"**What a night," he mumbled, groping for the teapot as they all sat down around him. "Nine raids. Nine! And old Mundungus Fletcher tried to put a hex on me when I had my back turned…."**

Horace: He was renowned for that.

**Mr. Weasley took a long gulp of tea and sighed.**

Minerva: I could do with some tea right now.

Hermione: Me too.

(A steaming cup of Earl Grey appears in front of each of them).

Minerva and Hermione: Thank you.

"**Find anything, Dad?" said Fred eagerly.**

Ron: Looking for more jokes, were you?

George: You better believe it!

"**All I got were a few shrinking door keys and a biting kettle," yawned Mr. Weasley. "There was some pretty nasty stuff that wasn't my department, though. Mortlake was taken away for questioning about some extremely odd ferrets,** **but that's the Committee on Experimental Charms, thank goodness…."**

"**Why would anyone bother making door keys shrink?" said George.**

George: I think we ended up using some of those as products in the shop.

"**Just Muggle-baiting," sighed Mr. Weasley. "Sell them a key that keeps shrinking to nothing so they can never find it when they need it….Of course, it's very hard to convict anyone because no Muggle would admit their key keeps shrinking**

Hermione: I should think not.

—**they'll insist they just keep losing it. Bless them, they'll go to any lengths to ignore magic, even if it's staring them in the face…But the things our lot have taken to enchanting, you wouldn't believe—"**

Minerva: Judging by the last book we read, I'd say I'm about ready to believe anything.

George: What, like-

Horace: Don't! Just… don't. (whispering) not if you value your life.

"**LIKE CARS, FOR INSTANCE?"**

Horace: OH.

Neville: NO.

Luna: HE.

Hermione: IS.

Minerva: SCREWED.

**Mrs. Weasley had appeared, holding a long poker like a sword. Mr. Weasley's eyes jerked open. He stared guiltily at his wife.**

"**C-cars, Molly, dear?"**

Minerva: He won't be able to cover that one up.

Ron: He'd still try, though.

"**Yes, Arthur, cars," said Mrs. Weasley, her eyes flashing. "Imagine a wizard buying a rusty old car and telling his wife all he wanted to do with it was take it apart to see how it worked, **

George: Of course he did.

**while **_**really**_** he was enchanting it to make it **_**fly**_**."**

**Mr. Weasley blinked.**

Ginny: Oh Merlin!

Hermione: He's a brave man.

Minerva: Even _I'm_ not brave enough to get on Molly's bad side.

George: Oh, that's not brave: it's suicidal!

"**Well, dear, I think you'll find that he would be quite within the law to do that, even if—er—he maybe would have done better to, um, tell his wife the truth….**

Minerva: Too right, he would've. MEN!

Horace: Are just as good as women so don't even go there!

**There's a loophole in the law, you'll find….As long as he wasn't **_**intending **_**to fly the car, the fact that the car **_**could**_** fly wouldn't—"**

George: I wish he would learn to lie.

"**Arthur Weasley, you made sure there was a loophole when you wrote that law!" **

Horace: Now _that_ is showing some initiative! Are you quite sure he was a Gryffindor?

Everybody else: YES!

**shouted Mrs. Weasley. "Just so you could carry on tinkering with all that Muggle rubbish in your shed! And for your information, Harry arrived this morning in the car you weren't intending to fly!"**

"**Harry?" said Mr. Weasley blankly. "Harry who?"**

Ginny: Wake up Dad.

**He looked around, saw Harry, and jumped.**

"**Good lord, is it Harry Potter? **

Harry: No, it's Harry Enfield.

Horace: Who?

Harry: Never mind.

**Very pleased to meet you, Ron's told us so much about—"**

"_**Your sons flew that car to Harry's house and back last night!**_**" **

Harry: Thanks for that.

**shouted Mrs. Weasley. "What have you got to say about that, eh?"**

"**Did you really?" said Mr. Weasley eagerly. "Did it go all right?**

Minerva: There is no hope for him.

**I—I mean," he faltered as sparks flew from Mrs. Weasley's eyes, "that—that was very wrong, boys—very wrong indeed…."**

Hermione: I'm sorry, but it has to be said, your father is sometimes just too nice for his own good.

George: But that's what makes him so awesome!

Harry: Well said, George!

"**Let's leave them to it," Ron muttered to Harry as Mrs. Weasley swelled like a bullfrog. "come on, I'll show you my bedroom."**

Ginny: Ooh, there's a proposition.

Ron: SHUT UP!

**They slipped out of the kitchen and down a narrow passageway to an uneven staircase, which wound its way, zigzagging up through the house. On the third landing, a door stood ajar. Harry just caught sight of a pair of bright brown eyes staring at him before it closed with a snap.**

George: It was the guy mum kidnapped years ago.

Ron: Or was it the house-elf that we thought ran away?

"**Ginny," said Ron. "you don't know how weird it is for her to be this shy. She never shuts up normally—"**

Ginny: Thanks, Ron.

Ron: It was no trouble, really.

**They climbed two more flights until they reached a door with peeling paint and a small plaque on it, saying RONALD'S ROOM.**

George: That was just in case he forgot where his room was.

**Harry stepped in, his head almost touching the sloping ceiling, and blinked. It was like walking into a furnace. Nearly everything in Ron's room seemed to be a violent shade of orange: **

Minerva: Oh no, don't tell me…

**the bedspread, the walls, even the ceiling. Then Harry realized that Ron had covered nearly every inch of the shabby wallpaper with posters of the same seven witches and wizards, all wearing bright orange robes, carrying broomsticks, and waving energetically.**

Minerva: Oh no.

"**Your Quidditch team?" said Harry.**

George: No, they're the people who clean the streets. Who else would they be?

"**The Chudley Cannons,"**

(Minerva stares at Ron).

Minerva: The Chudley Canons? (She bursts out laughing).

Ron: I support the underdog, so what?

Horace: Our school teams are better than them.

(Minerva still can't stop laughing as Ron's ears turn a bright tomato colour).

**said Ron, pointing at the orange bedspread, which was emblazoned with two giant black C's and a speeding cannonball. "Ninth in the league."**

Neville: And never any better than that.

**Ron's school spellbooks were stacked untidily in a corner, next to a pile of comics that all seemed to feature **_**The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle**_**. **

Luna: You actually read those?

Ron: YES!

**Ron's magic wand was lying on top of a fish tank full of frog spawn on the windowsill, next to his fat grey rat, Scabbers, **

Ron: URGH! Hate that rat!

**who was snoozing in a patch of sun.**

George: When was he not?

**Harry stepped over a pack of Self-Shuffling playing cards on the floor and looked out of the tiny window. In the field far below he could see a gang of gnomes sneaking one by one back through the Weasleys' hedge. **

Horace: Little blighters.

**Then he turned to look at Ron, who was watching him almost nervously, as though waiting for his opinion.**

Ginny: Aww, Ronnie!

Ron: Don't CALL ME _THAT!_

Ginny: I didn't, I called you Ronnie!

"**It's a bit small," said Ron quickly. "Not like that room you had with the Muggles. And I'm right underneath the ghoul in the attic; **

George: You believed that? You're more stupid than I thought.

Ron: What?

George: Fred and I made the ghoul up years ago. We were storing our pranks up there.

**he's always banging on pipes and groaning…."**

**But Harry, grinning widely, said, "This is the best house I've ever been in."**

Weasleys: AWW!

**Ron's ears went pink.**

Ron: Oh, that's nice, ending on my ears turning a funny colour.

Minerva: It's not funny; it's the worst colour in the history of everything.

Ron: O…kay.

Minerva: I'll read the next chapter, then.


	4. A Welcome Return

_A/N: I can't stand it! I want Michael back!_

**Chapter 4 -**_** At Flourish and Blotts**_

Hermione: Uh oh.

Neville: What's 'uh oh' for?

Luna: I'm pretty sure we'll find out now.

**Life at the Burrow was as different as possible from life on Privet Drive.**

Ginny: Seriously, what did you expect?

**The Dursleys liked everything neat and ordered; the Weasley's house burst with the strange and unexpected. **

George: Duh, we lived there!

**Harry got a shock the first time he looked in the mirror over the kitchen mantelpiece **

Ron: That mirror annoyed the hell out of me.f

George: One of our best pranks ever!

Ginny: No, it wasn't because Mum actually liked it.

**and it shouted, "**_**Tuck your shirt in, scruffy!**_**"**

Horace: That sounds like Minerva talking to Mickey.

Minerva: His name is Michael! That reminds me, does anyone have the time?

Hermione: It's almost three.

Minerva: Ooh, in that case, can I have Michael back please?

Horace: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(There is a pop and Michael appears, holding a toothbrush and minus a shirt. Hermione and Ginny gape at the slightly befuddled wizard as he clearly doesn't look his age. _A/N: All I can say is… YUM!!)_

Michael: Oh, hello again. Um, any chance of getting a shirt?

(A clean white shirt appears on the table and he hastily pulls it on).

Horace: Aww, look, Minnie's gotten all disappointed now.

Michael: No worry, I'm sure I can cheer her up (Enter snogging session number 934,586).

Horace: Okay, okay, we get the picture.

Neville: You really are jealous, Horace!

Horace: Why would I be jealous of _that_?

Ron: Do you really need to ask?

(Ginny and Hermione are still speechless).

Minerva: Can I carry on with the story now?

**The ghoul in the attic howled and dropped pipes whenever he felt things were getting too quiet, **

George and Ginny: You believed that?

**and small explosions from Fred and George's bedroom were considered perfectly normal. **

Luna: It was the same with my mother.

**What Harry found most unusual about life at Ron's, however, wasn't the talking mirror or the clanking ghoul: **

Ginny: It was the weirdos that lived in the house!

Ron: Speak for yourself!

**It was the fact that everybody there seemed to like him.**

Ginny: We-ell...

**Mrs. Weasley fussed over the state of his socks and tried to force him to eat fourth helpings at every meal.**

Ron: Sounds about right.

Hermione: The only difference is that Ron doesn't have to be forced to eat fourth helpings, or even fifth, come to that!

Ron: HEY!

**Mr. Weasley liked Harry to sit next to him at the dinner table so that he could bombard him with questions about life with Muggles, **

Ginny: Which probably bored him to death.

Harry: Actually, I found it quite amusing.

George: I worry for you, Harry, I really do.

**asking him to explain how things like plugs and the how postal service worked.**

Hermione: Which is rather a boring topic.

George: You're telling us?!

"_**Fascinating!**_**" he would say as Harry talked him through using a telephone. **

Ginny: Ron obviously didn't hear any of that then.

"_**Ingenious**_**, really, how many ways Muggles have found of getting along without magic."**

Horace: Very true. You have to admire them really.

Neville: Well, you don't...

**Harry heard from Hogwarts one sunny morning about a week after he had arrived at the Burrow. **

George: And suddenly, the skies clouded over and everything became dark!

Minerva: I resent that!

**He and Ron went down to breakfast to find Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Ginny already sitting at the kitchen table. **

Harry: But now, I'm hard-pushed to get her out of bed in the mornings.

**The moment she saw Harry, Ginny accidentally knocked her porridge bowl to the floor with a loud clatter.**

Neville: At least I'm not the only one who's a little clumsy.

Ron: A little?

**Ginny seemed very prone to knocking things over whenever Harry entered a room. **

Michael: Aw, that's sweet.

**She dived under the table to retrieve the bowl and emerged with her face glowing like the setting sun. **

Hermione: It's a nice colour, at least.

**Pretending he hadn't noticed this, Harry sat down and took the toast Mrs. Weasley offered him.**

Ginny: That was nice of you. I knew you saw though.

Harry: Well, I was only trying to be chivalrous.

Ginny: Don't worry, you're still my knight in shining armour.

(George is trying VERY hard not to laugh).

"**Letters from school," said Mr. Weasley, passing Harry and Ron identical envelopes of yellowish parchment, addressed in green ink. **

George: Seriously! The green, it BURNS!!

"**Dumbledore already knows you're here, Harry—doesn't miss a trick, that man. **

Minerva: Seriously, why does he always get the credit?

**You two've got them, too," he added, as Fred and George ambled in, still in their pyjamas.**

Ron: They would stay in their pyjamas all day if they could.

**For a few minutes there was silence as they all read their letters. **

Ginny: For some, it took a little more effort.

**Harry's told him to catch the Hogwarts Express as usual from King's Cross station on September first. **

Harry: Really, there was no way I was going to forget that.

Minerva: You would be surprised.

**There was also a list of the new books he'd need for the coming year.**

**SECOND-YEAR SUDENTS WILL REQUIRE:**

George: New brains.

_**The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2 **_**by Miranda Goshawk**

_**Break with a Banshee**_** by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Minerva: Honestly, I never knew the moron could write before that year.

_**Gadding with Ghouls**_** by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Horace: Looks like you should have had more faith, Minerva, he wrote two.

_**Holidays with Hags **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Neville: He went on holiday with Umbridge?

_**Travels with Trolls**_** by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Michael: FOUR? Really?

_**Voyages with Vampires **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Minerva: The man has never seen a vampire, let alone spoken with one.

Michael: They can actually be quite pleasant… well, some of them…

Ron: You two are nuts.

All: We know!

_**Wanderings with Werewolves **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Hermione: I wonder what Remus would think about that?

_**Year with the Yeti **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

Neville: Seven books? Why did it always seem like so many more?

Minerva: Because Lockhart is a disease which slowly poisons your mind and makes you want to kill yourself very swiftly.

Horace: I don't see why you have such an aversion to the fellow, I met him once and he seemed charming enough.

Minerva: You didn't have to work with him every day of the year.

**Fred, who had finished his own list, peered over at Harry's.**

"**You've been told to get all Lockhart's books, too!" he said. "The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher must be a fan**

Michael: Yeah, the biggest fan there was.

—**bet it's a witch."**

Minerva, Neville, Ron and Harry: I wish.

**At this point, Fred caught his mother's eye and quickly busied himself with the marmalade.**

George: Which was a surprise because he never actually liked marmalade.

"**That lot won't come cheap," said George, with a quick look at his parents. "Lockhart's books are really expensive…."**

Harry: They paid for his shiny teeth and hair.

Ron: If only he had lent Snape some shampoo.

Minerva: Oh, don't think he didn't try.

Hermione: Honestly?

"**Well, we'll manage," said Mrs. Weasley, but she looked worried. "I expect we'll be able to pick up a lot of Ginny's things second hand."**

"**Oh, are you starting at Hogwarts this year?" Harry asked Ginny.**

Ron: I'm pretty sure I told you that in our first year.

Harry: How am I supposed to remember that?

**She nodded, blushing to the roots of her flaming hair, and put her elbow in the butter dish.**

(George starts laughing and Ginny blushes).

Neville (wincing): Yikes.

**Fortunately, no one saw this except Harry, because just then Ron's elder brother Percy walked in. **

Weasleys: BOO!

**He was already dressed, his Hogwarts prefect badge pinned to his jumper.**

Ginny: Talk about eager.

"**Morning, all," said Percy briskly. "Lovely day."**

George: It was until you walked in!

**He sat down in the only remaining chair but leapt up again almost immediately, **

George: And let out a shrill, girlish scream when he saw-

Ginny: GEORGE!

**pulling from underneath him a moulting, grey feather duster**

Ron: Mum lost that years ago.

Ginny: Don't be daft, Fred and George used it for a couple of their pranks.

Ron: That explains so much…

—**at least, that was what Harry thought it was, until he saw that it was breathing.**

Luna: Ouch.

"**Errol!" said Ron, taking the limp owl from Percy **

Harry: Who had almost flattened him.

Hermione: Not you too???!

**and extracting a letter from under its wing. "**_**Finally**_**—he's got Hermione's answer. **

Hermione: I wrote back as soon as I got the letter. Errol must have been really slow.

Ron: You're not kidding.

**I wrote to her saying we were going to try and rescue you from the Dursleys."**

George: We didn't just try, dear brother, we were VICTORIOUS!

Ginny: Alright, who forgot to give George his medication?

**He carried Errol to a perch just inside the back door and tried to stand him on it, **

Neville: But failed miserably, I would guess.

**but Errol flopped straight off again so Ron lay him on the draining board instead, muttering, "Pathetic." **

(Hermione glares at Ron).

Ron: It was true!

**Then he ripped open Hermione's letter and read it out loud:**

"'_**Dear Ron, and Harry if you're there,**_

Minerva (sarcastically): You sound like you had so much faith in them.

"'_**I hope everything went all right **_

Michael: It did, if you don't count almost being slaughtered by Molly.

_**and that Harry is okay and that you didn't do anything illegal to get him out, **_

Ron: You hoped in vain.

_**Ron, **_

Ron: Why do you always assume it's me doing something illegal?

George: Yeah, I'm thoroughly offended.

_**because that would get Harry into trouble, too. I've been really worried and if Harry is all right, will you please let me know at once, **_

Ginny: Fat chance with a bird like Errol.

_**but perhaps it would be better if you used a different owl, because I think another delivery might finish your one off.**_

Ron: If only.

"'_**I'm very busy with schoolwork, of course**_

Horace: Of course.

'—**How **_**can**_** she be?" said Ron in horror. "We're on holiday!**

Minerva: It's called homework.

—'_**and we're going to London next Wednesday to buy my new books. Why don't we meet in Diagon Alley?**_

Luna: What if something bad happens first?

Neville: I'm guessing you don't make too many appointments, Luna?

Luna: Nope.

"'_**Let me know what's happening as soon as you can. Love from Hermione.**_**'"**

George: Oooh, _love from_. How sweet!

Hermione: George, we're married remember? It's no big deal anymore.

George: Oh… oh yeah.

"**Well, that fits in nicely, we can go and get all your things then, too," said Mrs. Weasley, starting to clear the table. **

Horace: You would think that, with five children living there, somebody would help Molly with the housework.

Minerva: Honestly, have you ever tried?

Michael: She wouldn't let anyone help her at Order meetings.

Harry: How come we never saw you at Order meetings?

Michael: You were there at the wrong time, I guess. I was more of a background guy in the meetings anyway.

"**What're you all up to today?"**

George: You don't want to know.

**Harry, Ron, Fred, and George were planning to go up the hill to a small paddock the Weasleys owned. **

Ginny: Small is the right word.

**It was surrounded by trees that blocked it from view of the village below, meaning that they could practice Quidditch there, as long as they didn't fly too high. **

Luna: I'm sure the Muggles would have something to say about that.

**They couldn't use real Quidditch balls, which would have been hard to explain if they had escaped and flown away over the village; **

Ginny: What I would give to see that.

**instead they threw apples for one another to catch. **

Horace: Which would be useful if you were all Chasers.

**They took turns riding Harry's Nimbus Two Thousand, which was easily the best broom; Ron's old Shooting Star was often outstripped by passing butterflies.**

Neville: And snails with racing stripes. _(A/N: It's a long story)._

**Five minutes later they were marching up the hill, broomsticks over their shoulders. They had asked Percy if he wanted to join them, **

Hermione: I can't see that happening.

**but he had said he was busy.**

Neville: Doing what?

**Harry had only seen Percy at mealtimes so far; he stayed shut in his room the rest of the time.**

George: Reading PlayWizard magazine and writing letters to the Minister.

Horace: At the same time?

Minerva: Anyone would think that you had read it before, Horace.

Horace: Of course not… don't be stupid…

Michael: Well, now that we've – er – cleared that up, ready to carry on, dear?

"**Wish I knew what he was up to," said Fred, frowning. **

Luna: It wouldn't be that hard to find out.

George: But us maniacal masterminds think more of the bigger picture.

Ginny: At least, that's his excuse.

"**He's not himself. His exam results came the day before you did; twelve O.W.L.s and he hardly gloated at all."**

Horace: Twelve O.W.L.s??

Minerva: Why are you surprised?

Horace: I don't think I have ever heard of one person getting that many O.W.L.s.

Minerva: But I got twelve, too.

Horace: Oh… yeah…

"**Ordinary Wizarding Levels," George explained, seeing Harry's puzzled look. **

Hermione: Yes, that covers it.

George: Alright, Ms-Know-It-All, what would you have done?

Hermione: You could have told him that they were qualifications like Muggle GCSEs.

George: GCS-what?

"**Bill got twelve, too. If we're not careful, we'll have another Head Boy in the family. I don't think I could stand the shame."**

Horace and Minerva: GEORGE!

George (innocently): Ye-es?

**Bill was the oldest Weasley brother. He and the next brother, Charlie, had already left Hogwarts. **

Harry: More's the shame; they were awesome!

**Harry had never met either of them, **

George: He didn't miss out on much.

Harry: They were awesome!

Ron: WERE?!

**but he knew that Charlie was in Romania studying dragons and **

Ron: Scorching his eyebrows off.

**Bill was in Egypt working for the wizard's bank, Gringotts. **

Ginny: That sounds sooooo exciting compared to chasing dragons.

"**Dunno how Mum and Dad are going to afford all our school stuff this year," said George after a while. "Five sets of **

(There is a pause).

Luna: Are you going to finish the sentence?

Minerva: Just a second, I need to ready myself.

**Lockhart books! **

Neville: Now I see why the pause was necessary.

Horace: Honestly, why are you all so biased against the chap? What did he do wrong?

Hermione: You'll see.

**And Ginny needs new robes and a wand and everything…."**

**Harry said nothing. He felt a bit awkward. **

Harry: That was an understatement.

**Stored in an underground vault at Gringotts in London was a small fortune that his parents had left him. **

Michael: Poor kids.

**Of course, it was only in the wizarding world that he had money; you couldn't use Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts in Muggle shops. **

Michael: I would like to see their faces if you tried.

**He had never mentioned his Gringotts bank account to the Dursleys; he didn't think their horror of anything connected with magic would stretch to a large pile of gold.**

Minerva: You would be surprised how people's attitudes can change where money is involved.

**Mrs. Weasley woke them all early the following Wednesday. After a quick half a dozen bacon sandwiches each, **

Luna: How can you eat so much?

**they pulled on their coats and Mrs. Weasley took a flowerpot off the kitchen mantelpiece and peered inside.**

George: Seeping out of it was a thick slimy tentacle covered in poisonous green pods with bright yellow stripes.

"**We're running low, Arthur," she sighed. "We'll have to buy some more today… Ah well, guests first! After you, Harry dear!"**

Ron: Wish she was that nice to me.

**And she offered him the flowerpot.**

Harry: And I had no idea what to do.

**Harry stared at them all watching him.**

"**W-what am I supposed to do?" **

Harry: See?

**he stammered.**

"**He's never travelled by Floo powder," said Ron suddenly. "Sorry, Harry, I forgot."**

Hermione: How could you forget?

"**Never?" said Mr. Weasley. "But how did you get to Diagon Alley to buy your school things last year?"**

Luna: Hagrid.

"**I went on the Underground—"**

George: Bad move.

"**Really?" said Mr. Weasley eagerly. "Were there **_**escapators?**_

Neville: Escapators?

Hermione: He means escalators, Neville.

**How exactly—"**

George: Are your ears going to work when he's finished asking questions?

"**Not **_**now**_**, Arthur," said Mrs. Weasley. **

Michael: Oh, poor Arthur's in trouble.

"**Floo powder's a lot quicker, dear, but**

Harry: It's far worse.

Everybody (except George, Luna and Michael): Here, here!

**goodness me, if you've never used it before—"**

Ginny: She didn't warn you that it would make you want to throw up though.

"**He'll be all right, Mum," said Fred. "Harry, watch us first."**

Neville: Not a good idea.

**He took a pinch of glittering powder out of the flowerpot, stepped up to the fire, and threw the powder into the flames.** **With a roar, **

George: he was swallowed by a stray lion!

**the fire turned emerald green and rose higher than Fred, who stepped right into it, shouted, "Diagon Alley!" and vanished.**

Neville: Dun, dun, dun!

Luna: Not you, too?

Neville (mumbling): Sorry…

"**You must speak clearly, dear," Mrs. Weasley told Harry as George dipped his hand into the flowerpot. "And be sure to get out at the right grate…."**

Ron: How is he supposed to know which one is the right one?

"**The right what?" **

Luna: The right grate. I think your ears were going funny, Harry.

Harry: Yeah, thanks for that, Luna.

**said Harry nervously as the fire roared and whipped George out of sight, too.**

George: Then they all died because they couldn't see my gorgeous face.

"**Well, there are an awful lot of wizard fires to choose from, you know, but as long as you've spoken clearly—"**

Ginny: As you've already said.

"**He'll be fine, Molly, don't fuss," **

Ron: That's like telling a Hippogriff to stop eating ferrets.

**said Mr. Weasley, helping himself to Floo powder, too.**

"**But, dear, if he got lost, how would we ever explain to his aunt and uncle?"**

Hermione: They'd love it.

"**They wouldn't mind," Harry reassured her. "Dudley would think it was a brilliant joke if I got lost up a chimney, **

Horace: Can we count that one?

Minerva: Meh, why not?

(They both have another shot of Firewhiskey).

Michael: What are you doing?

Minerva: We're playing a game.

Horace: Every time that little oaf is rude to Harry, we have a shot of Firewhiskey.

Minerva: Don't worry, Horace can't hold his drink very well.

Horace: Is that so?

Minerva: Yes.

Horace: In that case, I challenge you to a drinking competition!

Michael: Not now, eh?

**don't worry about that—"**

"**Well… all right…you go after Arthur," said Mrs. Weasley. "Now, when you get into the fire, say where you're going—"**

Ginny: I think he had got that bit.

"**And keep your elbows tucked in," Ron advised.**

Michael: Good advice.

"**And your eyes shut," said Mrs. Weasley. "The soot—"**

George: HURTS!

"**Don't fidget," said Ron. "Or you might well fall out of the wrong fireplace—"**

Harry: That's encouraging.

"**But don't panic and get out too early; wait until you see Fred and George."**

George: And their beautiful faces.

Ginny: Someone get him a mirror and shut him up.

(A mirror appears on the table.)

George (picking up the mirror): Ooh, shiny!

**Trying hard to bear all this in mind, Harry took a pinch of Floo powder and walked to the edge of the fire. **

Horace: This doesn't sound good.

**He took a deep breath, scattered the powder into the flames, and stepped forward; the fire felt like a warm breeze; he opened his mouth and immediately swallowed a lot of hot ash.**

Michael: That's a bad sign.

Harry: You're not kidding.

"**D-Dia-gon Alley," he coughed.**

Neville: Uh oh.

**It felt as though he was being sucked down a giant drain. **

Harry: Coincidentally, I almost lost Dudley down a giant drain once.

Horace: How?

Luna: Accidental magic, silly.

Horace: No, I meant how could he ever fit down a drain? Even if it was a giant one?

Harry: That's why I said 'almost'.

**He seemed to be spinning very fast—**

Ginny: That's because he actually was!

**the roaring in his ears was deafening—he tried to keep his eyes open **

Minerva: Which he had been advised against.

**but the whirl of green flames **

George: Again with the green! J.K. Rowling is obsessed! Or Slytherin!

**made him feel sick—something hard knocked his elbow and he tucked it in tightly, **

Neville: Good choice!

**still spinning and spinning—now it felt as though cold hands were slapping his face—**

Luna: Ouch.

Neville: I'll give you that one!

**squinting through his glasses he saw a blurred stream of fireplace and snatched glimpses of the rooms beyond—his bacon sandwiches were churning inside him—**

Ginny (sarcastically): Sounds nice.

**he closed his eyes again wishing it would stop, and then—**

George: There was a huge bang and he tumbled, out head first, into a ravenous vampire!

**He fell, face forward, onto **

George: His arch-enemy, Draco Malfoy.

**cold stone and felt the bridge of his glasses snap.**

Hermione: If only he could remember a simple repairing charm.

Harry: Had to rub it in, didn't you?

**Dizzy and bruised, covered in soot, he got gingerly to his feet, holding his broken glasses up to his eyes. **

Horace: Oh what a sight.

**He was quite alone, but **_**where**_** he was, he had no idea. **

Ginny: He doesn't actually know where he is now.

**All he could tell was that he was standing in the stone fireplace of what looked like a large, dimly lit wizard's shop—but nothing in here was ever likely to be on a Hogwarts school list.**

Minerva: I should bloody hope not if you ended up where I think you did.

**A glass case nearby held a withered hand on a cushion, **

Neville: Sounds like a nice place.

**a bloodstained pack of cards, **

George: Ah, that's where those went!

**and a staring glass eye. **

Michael: Now we know where Alastor got it from.

Minerva: Michael!

**Evil-looking masks stared down from the walls, an assortment of human bones lay upon the counter, **

Horace: How could you tell they were human?

Hermione: Do you need to ask?

Horace: Do I?

Minerva: Horace Slughorn, everybody, the reason my desk has a head-shaped dent in it.

**and rusty, spiked instruments hung from the ceiling. **

Ginny: Sounds like Filch's kind of place.

**Even worse, the dark, narrow street Harry could see through the dusty shop window was definitely not Diagon Alley.**

Ron: Surprise, surprise…

Ginny: Anyone else find it ironic that he's the one to say that?

**The sooner he got out of here, the better. Nose still stinging where it had hit the hearth,**

Luna: Ouch.

(Neville seems to be breathing very heavily and his hands are clenched into fists.

**Harry made his way swiftly and silently toward the door, but before he'd got halfway toward it, two people appeared on the other side of the glass**

Horace: How unfortunate.

—**and one of them was the very last person Harry wanted to meet when he was lost, **

George: Oldie Voldie?

**covered in soot, and wearing broken glasses: Draco Malfoy.**

Hermione: That's a bit anti-climactic.

**Harry looked quickly around and spotted a large black cabinet to his left; **

Michael: That's convenient.

**he shot inside it and pulled the doors closed, leaving a small crack to peer through. **

George: Nosy parker.

**Seconds later, a bell clanged, and Malfoy stepped into the shop.**

**The man who followed could only be Draco's father. **

Minerva: URGH!

**He had the same pale, pointed face and identical cold, grey eyes. **

Michael: With the same sense of self-importance, idiocy and general big-headedness.

**Mr. Malfoy crossed the shop, looking lazily at the items on display, and a rang a bell on the counter before turning to his son and say, "Touch nothing, Draco."**

Neville: Words of wisdom…

**Malfoy, who had reached for the glass eye, said, "I thought you were going to buy me a present."**

(All just look disgustedly at the book).

"**I said I would buy you a racing broom," said his father, drumming his fingers on the counter.**

"**What's the good of that if I'm not on the House team?" **

Horace: Actually, the boy has a point.

(Suddenly a bunch of cushions appear on the table and bombard Horace).

Horace: HEY! That was out of order.

**said Malfoy, looking sulky and bad-tempered. "Harry Potter got a Nimbus Two Thousand last year. **

Ron: Because he's awesome!

Harry: Cheers, mate.

**Special permission from Dumbledore so he could play for Gryffindor. **

Minerva: No, it was special permission from me.

Horace: How?

Minerva: I can scare Albus.

Horace: What, by looking at him?

Michael: Don't start that again!

**He's not even that good, **

Ron: I beg to differ.

**it's just because he's **_**famous**_**…**

Neville: No, it's not.

**famous for having a stupid **_**scar**_** on his forehead…."**

Hermione: Looks like someone had a touch of the green-eyed monster.

Luna: What?

Hermione: Jealousy, Luna.

Luna: Why didn't you just say that, then?

**Malfoy bent down to examine a shelf full of skulls.**

Neville: Eww…

"…**everyone thinks he's so **_**smart**_**, **

Harry: Really?

Minerva: Well, you are.

**wonderful **_**Potter**_**, with his **_**scar**_** and his **_**broomstick**_**—"**

Horace: Honestly, anyone can have a scar and a broomstick.

Minerva: Must we go over this again?

"**You have told me this at least a dozen times already," **

Harry: Why does that not surprise me?

Luna: Well –

Harry: Rhetorical question, Luna.

George: Rhet-a-what?

Harry: Never mind.

**said Mr. Malfoy, with a quelling look at his son. "And I would remind you that it is not—prudent—to appear less than fond of Harry Potter, **

Neville: Shame he didn't listen to his father on that, isn't it?

**not when most of our kind regard him as the hero who made the Dark Lord disappear—**

(All raise a toast to Mr Harry Potter).

**ah, Mr. Borgin."**

Minerva: That is where I thought you would end up.

George: Everybody step back! She's been possessed by Sybil Trelawney!

**A stooping man had appeared behind the counter, smoothing his greasy hair back from his face.**

George: SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!!!

"**Mr. Malfoy, what a pleasure to see you again," **

Michael: Yeah right.

**said Mr. Borgin in a voice as oily as his hair. "Delighted—and young Master Malfoy, too—charmed. **

Horace: They were rather charming.

(All look at him).

Minerva: Now I'm convinced that he is gay.

**How may I be of assistance? **

Ginny: By going away?

**I must show you, just in today, and very reasonably priced—"**

"**I'm not buying today, Mr. Borgin, but selling," said Mr. Malfoy.**

Michael: This sounds interesting.

"**Selling?" The smile faded slightly from Mr. Borgin's face.**

Neville: Riiight…

"**You have heard, of course, that the Ministry is conducting more raids," **

Michael: Kingsley was rather disappointed in the lack of findings in Malfoy's place.

**said Mr. Malfoy, taking a roll of parchment from his inside pocket and unravelling it for Mr. Borgin to read. "I have a few—ah—items at home that might embarrass me, if the Ministry were to call…."**

Hermione: No doubt they'd do more than embarrass him.

Ron: They could have ruined him… wait…

**Mr. Borgin fixed a pair of pince-nez to his nose and looked down the list.**

"**The Ministry wouldn't presume to trouble you, sir, surely?"**

Ginny: That's what he thought.

**Mr. Malfoy's lip curled.**

"**I have not been visited yet. The name Malfoy still commands a certain respect, **

Ron: Not anymore, it doesn't!

**yet the Ministry grows ever more meddlesome. **

Minerva: And idiotic if you count Fudge and the toad.

**There are rumours about a new Muggle Protection Act—no doubt that flea-bitten, Muggle-loving fool Arthur Weasley is behind it—"**

(Everybody glares at the book).

Ginny, Harry, Ron and George: Git.

**Harry felt a hot surge of anger.**

Ginny: Aw, that's nice.

(George looks rather baffled).

George: Is it?

"—**and as you see, certain of these poisons might make it **_**appear**_**—"**

Neville: Like you're trying to kill someone?

Ron: He probably was.

"**I understand, sir, of course," said Mr. Borgin. "Let me see…"**

"**Can I have **_**that**_**?" interrupted Draco, pointing at the withered hand on its cushion.**

Luna: Ewww…

"**Ah, the Hand of Glory!" **

Horace: Nothing glorious about it… er… not that I would know, of course.

**said Mr. Borgin, abandoning Mr. Malfoy's list and scurrying over to Draco. **

Ron: Scurrying is the right word.

"**Insert a candle and it gives light only to the holder! Best friend of thieves and plunderers! Your son has fine taste, sir."**

Ginny: Really?

"**I hoe my son will amount to more than a thief or a plunderer, Borgin," **

Horace: I should think not!

Hermione: Enough with the Slytherin bias!

Horace: Like I said earlier, Slytherin is sorely under-represented.

Luna: But there are no Hufflepuffs here.

Horace: Er…

**said Mr. Malfoy coldly, and Mr. Borgin said quickly, "No offence, sir, no offence meant—"**

"**Though if his grades don't pick up," said Mr. Malfoy, more coldly still, "that may indeed be all he is fit for—"**

George: Ooh, burn!

Neville: What?

George: Er… nothing…

"**It's not my fault," retorted Draco. "The teachers all have favourites, that Hermione Granger—"**

Minerva: Was an amazing student.

Hermione: Why, thank you.

"**I would have thought you'd be ashamed that a girl of no wizard family beat you in every exam," snapped Mr. Malfoy.**

Harry, Ron and Neville: Scumbag.

"**Ha!" said Harry under his breath, pleased to see Draco looking both abashed and angry.**

Harry: I still hold that image dear in my head.

Ron: Priceless!

"**It's the same all over," said Mr. Borgin, in his oily voice. "Wizard blood is counting for less everywhere—"**

Michael: That's because prats like them achieve nothing worth knowing about when anybody with half a brain cell can do better.

"**Not with me," said Mr. Malfoy, **

Hermione: Don't we know it.

**his long nostrils flaring.**

George: Maybe he's related to McG!

"**No, sir, not with me, sir," said Mr. Borgin, with a deep bow.**

Ginny: Disgusting creature.

"**In that case, perhaps we can return to my list," said Mr. Malfoy shortly. "I am in something of a hurry, Borgin, I have important business elsewhere today—"**

Neville: Sucking up to people in higher places, probably.

**They started to haggle. Harry watched nervously as Draco drew nearer and nearer to his hiding place, examining the objects for sale. **

Ron: Tw-

Horace: Stop right there!

Ron: Damn!

**Draco paused to examine a long coil of hangman's rope **

Luna: Ew!

**and to read, smirking, the card propped on a magnificent necklace of opals, **_**Caution: Do Not Touch. Cursed**_

Harry: He _would_ smirk at that.

—_**Has Claimed the Lives of Nineteen Muggle Owners to Date.**_

Minerva: Oh… is that… oh my!

Horace: Care to elaborate?

(Everyone rolls their eyes at Horace).

**Draco turned away and saw the cabinet right in front of him. He walked forward—he stretched out his hand for the handle—**

George: Dun, dun, dun!!

"**Done," said Mr. Malfoy at the counter. "Come, Draco—"**

Ginny: Like a good little doggie!

**Harry wiped his forehead on his sleeve as Draco turned away.**

Harry: Phew!

"**Good day to you, Mr. Borgin. I'll expect you at the manor tomorrow to pick up the goods."**

Luna: Lazy man.

Neville: Is that the worst you can think of.

**The moment the door had closed, Mr. Borgin dropped his oily manner.**

Horace: There's a snake in the grass if ever I saw one.

"**Good day yourself, **_**Mister**_** Malfoy, and if the stories are true, you haven't sold me half of what's hidden in your **_**manor**_**…."**

Michael: Urgh, I dread to think. Kingsley mentioned that place quite a few times…

**Muttering darkly, Mr. Borgin disappeared into a back room. Harry waited for a minute in case he came back, **

Horace: At least you have some sense.

Harry: You are quickly sinking in my opinions, do you know that?

Minerva: That doesn't take much for him.

**then, quietly as he could, slipped out of the cabinet, past the glass cases, and out of the shop door.**

Hermione: Thank Heavens.

**Clutching his broken glasses to his face, **

Luna: Ouch.

**Harry stared around. He had emerged into a dingy alleyway that seemed to be made up entirely of shops devoted to the Dark Arts. **

Neville: Sounds like Malfoy's sort of place.

**The one he'd just left, Borgin and Burkes, looked like the largest, but opposite was a nasty window display of shrunken heads **

Luna: They are hilarious!

**and, two doors down, a large cage was alive with gigantic black spiders. **

Ron: Ewww…

Ginny: Oh, poor little Ronnie!

**Two shabby-looking wizards were watching him from the shadow of a doorway, muttering to each other. **

Ginny: Uh oh.

**Feeling jumpy, Harry set off, trying to hold his glasses on straight and hoping against hope he'd be able to find a way out of here.**

Hermione: I feel a clichéd rescue coming on.

George: I would get that checked out, Hermione.

**An old wooden street sign hanging over a shop selling poisonous candles told him he was in Knockturn Alley. **

Horace: Dun, dun, dun!

George: No, dude, I am the only one allowed to do that.

Horace: But –

George: No, no, no. Don't argue.

**This didn't help, as Harry had never heard of such a place. **

Michael: For good reason.

**He supposed he hadn't spoken clearly enough through his mouthful of ashes back in the Weasley's fire. **

Ginny: No kidding.

**Trying to stay calm, he wondered what to do.**

"**Not lost are you, my dear?" **

Hermione: No, he's having a ball.

**said a voice in his ear, making him jump. An aged witch stood in front of him, holding a tray of what looked horribly like whole human fingernails. **

Horace: Minerva! I didn't know you had a summer job in Knockturn Alley!

Michael: You know when you step on a slug and you get that squelching sound? Well, do you reckon I could curse him and get the same sound out of him?

George: Let's try it and see!

**She leered at him, showing mossy teeth. **

Minerva: The Toad was there?

George: No, it was Horace's first ever girlfriend.

Horace: HEY!

**Harry backed away.**

Neville: Wise choice.

"**I'm fine, thanks," he said. "I'm just—"**

Luna: Talking to a stranger.

Hermione: All five year olds know not to do that.

"**HARRY! What d'yeh think yer doin' down there?"**

Harry: Getting lost.

**Harry's heart leapt. **

Luna: I –

Neville: No, Luna. Just no.

**So did the witch; a load of fingernails cascaded down over her feet and she cursed **

George: - Harry and he fell to the floor.

Harry: Thanks.

**as the massive form of Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, came striding toward them, **

The Golden Trio: YAY!!

**beetle-black eyes flashing over his great bristling beard.**

"**Hagrid!" Harry croaked in relief. "I was lost—Floo powder—"**

Hermione: And it rendered him incapable of finishing a sentence.

**Hagrid seized Harry by the scruff of the neck and pulled him away from the witch, knocking the tray right out of her hands. **

Neville: That was nice of him.

**Her shrieks followed them all they way along the twisting alleyway out into bright sunlight. Harry saw a familiar, snow-white marble building in the distance—**

George: Hogwarts!

Minerva: No, George. No it was not.

**Gringotts Bank. **

George: Oh, I see.

Hermione: Do you?

George: No!

**Hagrid had steered him right into Diagon Alley.**

Harry: Yay.

"**Yer a mess!" **

Ron: Charming.

**said Hagrid gruffly, brushing soot off Harry so forcefully he nearly knocked him into a barrel of dragon dung outside an apothecary. **

Ginny: Sounds lovely.

"**Skulkin' around Knockturn Alley, I dunno**

Luna: He doesn't know much.

Everyone else (except Horace): Watch what you're saying about Hagrid!

—**dodgy place, Harry—don' want no one ter see yeh down there—" **

Harry: Well, I know that NOW!

"**I realized **_**that**_**," said Harry, ducking as Hagrid made to brush him off again. **

Horace: Wise decision.

"**I told you, I was lost—what were you doing down there, anyway?"**

Luna: Good question.

Harry: I wouldn't have asked it if it wasn't.

Hermione: I beg to differ.

"_**I**_** was lookin' fer a Flesh-Eatin' Slug Repellent,"**

Neville: In Knockturn Alley? Really?

**growled Hagrid. "They're ruinin' the school cabbages. **

Horace: The school grows cabbages?

Minerva: Yeah, we're actually a farm as well.

Horace: Please tell me you're joking.

Minerva: You tell me.

(Horace starts to look slightly worried).

**Yer not on yer own?"**

Neville: No, he was with the invisible man.

"**I'm staying with the Weasleys but we got separated," Harry explained. "I've got to go and find them…"**

Horace: In a crowded street filled with people.

**They set off together down the street.**

"**How come yeh never wrote back ter me?" **

Harry: Long story.

(George starts making loud snoring noises).

**said Hagrid as Harry jogged alongside him (he had to take three steps to every stride of Hagrid's enormous boots). **

Harry: Kind of like when I tried to walk next to Minerva.

Minerva: Are you saying I have big feet?

Horace: We-el…

Minerva: Was I asking you?

**Harry explained all about Dobby and the Dursleys.**

"**Lousy Muggles," **

Hermione: Not all of them!

**growled Hagrid. "If I'd 've known—"**

Michael: He wouldn't have been able to do anything because Albus wouldn't let him.

"**Harry! Harry! Over here!"**

Luna: Who is it?

Neville: If you would stop talking we might find out.

**Harry looked up and saw Hermione Granger standing at the top of the white flight of steps to Gringotts. **

George: Yaaaaay!

**She ran down to meet them, her bushy brown hair flying behind her.**

Hermione: Once again, charming.

"**What happened to your glasses? **

Ron: You don't want to know!

**Hello, Hagrid—Oh, it's **_**wonderful**_** to see you two again—Are you coming into Gringotts, Harry?"**

Harry: No, I was just standing right in front of it watching the clouds go by.

"**As soon as I've found the Weasleys," said Harry.**

Ginny: And as if by magic –

George: - Here we are!

"**Yeh won't have long ter wait," Hagrid said with a grin.**

Luna: Is it just me or does he look more manic when he grins?

Everyone else: No, it's just you.

**Harry and Hermione looked around: Sprinting up the crowded street were Ron, Fred, George, Percy, and Mr. Weasley.**

Ginny: Merlin, I would like to see Mum try to sprint.

Minerva: You would be surprised.

"**Harry," Mr. Weasley panted. "We **_**hoped**_** you'd only gone one grate too far…." He mopped his glistening bald patch. **

George: There's something you don't read every day.

Luna: Well, technically you aren't reading it.

George: You know what I mean!

"**Molly's frantic—she's coming now—"**

Michael: Uh oh.

"**Where did you come out?" Ron asked.**

Harry: I didn't come out.

George: Still in the closet then?

"**Knockturn Alley," said Hagrid grimly.**

"_**Excellent!**_**" said Fred and George together.**

Horace: Trust you.

"**We've never been allowed in," said Ron enviously.**

Ron: Enviously?

Hermione: It's just padding, Ronald, we won't think any the less of you.

George: No, that's almost impossible.

Ron: HEY!!

"**I should ruddy well think not," growled Hagrid.**

Ginny: Hey, what do you take us for?

**Mrs. Weasley now came galloping** **into view, her handbag swinging wildly in one hand, Ginny just clinging onto the other.**

Ginny: Actually, she was squeezing my hand so hard that it hurt.

"**Oh, Harry—oh, my dear—you could have been anywhere—"**

Harry: At least I wasn't in another country.

Michael: Actually, Floo Networking doesn't travel over the sea.

**Gasping for breath she pulled a large clothes brush out of her bag and began sweeping off the soot Hagrid hadn't managed to beat away. **

Ginny: Trust mum.

**Mr. Weasley took Harry's glasses, gave them a tap of his wand, and returned them, good as new.**

Hermione: Like I taught you!

"**Well, gotta be off," said Hagrid, who was having his hand wrung by Mrs. Weasley **

Neville: And, no, Luna that would not have hurt.

**("Knockturn Alley! If you hadn't found him, Hagrid!") **

Ron: I shudder to think.

Hermione: What, just to think in general, or to think about Harry in Knockturn Alley?

"**See yer at Hogwarts!" And he strode away, head and shoulder taller than anyone else in the packed street.**

Neville: No change there.

"**Guess who I saw in Borgin and Burkes?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione as they climbed the Gringotts steps. "Malfoy and his father."**

Ron: And somehow I wasn't surprised.

"**Did Lucius Malfoy buy anything?" said Mr. Weasley sharply behind them. **

Ginny: Dad really wanted to send him down.

"**No, he was selling—"**

Horace: Which is just as bad.

"**So he's worried," said Mr. Weasley with grim satisfaction. "Oh, I'd love to get Lucius Malfoy for something…."**

Ginny: Told you.

"**You be careful, Arthur," said Mrs. Weasley sharply as they were bowed into the bank by a goblin at the door. "That family's trouble. **

Neville: No kidding!

**Don't go biting off more than you can chew—"**

"**So you don't think I'm a match for Lucius Malfoy?" **

Ginny: And this is how arguments in our house started.

**said Mr. Weasley indignantly, but he was distracted almost at once by the sight of Hermione's parents, **

Hermione: Yay!

**who were standing nervously at the counter that ran all along the great marble hall, waiting for Hermione to introduce them.**

Ron: Don't introduce them to Dad!

"**But you're **_**Muggles**_**!" said Mr. Weasley delightedly. "We must have a drink! **

Ginny: HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Ron: Trust Dad.

**What's that you've got there? Oh, you're changing Muggle money. Molly, look!" He pointed excitedly at the ten-pound notes in Mr. Granger's hand.**

Neville: Were your parents not freaked out?

"**Meet you back here," Ron said to Hermione as the Weasleys and Harry were led off to their underground vaults by another Gringotts goblin.**

Horace: Which one?

Harry: How am I supposed to remember?

Horace: I thought you could show it some common courtesy...

Ginny: Oh my Merlin.

**The vaults were reached by means of small, goblin-driven carts that sped along miniature train tracks through the bank's underground tunnels. **

George: It was like an underground kiddie's toy train.

**Harry enjoyed the breakneck journey down to the Weasleys' vault, **

George: Pfft... Gryffindors.

**but felt dreadful, far worse than he had in Knockturn Alley, when it was opened. **

Ron: Urgh, not the sympathy thing!

**There was a very small pile of silver Sickles inside, and just one gold Galleon. Mrs. Weasley felt right into the corners **

George: Not literally.

**before sweeping the whole lot into her bag. Harry felt even worse when they reached his vault. He tried to block the contents from view as he hastily shoved handfuls of coins into a leather bag.**

Ginny: Aw, that was nice... even if you failed miserably.

**Back outside on the marble steps, they all separated. Percy muttered vaguely about needing a new quill. **

Michael: There's a euphemism if ever I heard one.

Minerva: Great! Now I'm going to be paranoid any time you say that.

**Fred and George had spotted their friend from Hogwarts, Lee Jordan. **

Ginny: And off they went to annoy the hell out of everybody else.

**Mr. Weasley was insisting on taking the Grangers off to the Leaky Cauldron for a drink.**

Ron: To quiz them about their Muggle-ness.

"**We'll all meet at Flourish and Blotts in an hour to buy your schoolbooks," said Mrs. Weasley, setting off with Ginny. "And not one step down Knockturn Alley!" she shouted at the twins' retreating backs.**

George: Which we conveniently didn't hear.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione strolled off along the winding, cobbled street. The bag of gold, silver, and bronze jangling cheerfully in Harry's pocket was clamouring to be spent, so he bought three large strawberry-and-peanut-butter ice creams, **

Hermione: Strawberry and peanut butter? I could have sworn mine was mint!

Harry: Me too.

Ron: I think J.K. Rowling lost a few of her facts.

**which they slurped happily **

Hermione: I do not slurp!

Harry: Of course not...

**as they wandered up the alley, examining the fascinating shop windows. **

Ron: You would think we had never seen them before!

**Ron gazed longingly at a full set of Chudley Cannon robes **

Michael: Wait, wait, wait... you s-support the... Ch-Chudley C-cannons?

(He bursts out laughing).

Minerva (also laughing): I know, right?

Ron: Why does everybody react that way?

Horace: Haven't we already had this conversation?

Hermione: Yep. In the last chapter.

**in the windows of Quality Quidditch Supplies until Hermione dragged them off to buy ink and parchment next door. **

Ginny: Hermione! That's a bit of a buzzkill!

**In Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop, they met Fred, George, and Lee Jordan, who were stocking up on Dr. Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks, **

Horace: I hate to think what you did with those.

**and in a tiny junk shop full of broken wands, lopsided brass scales, and old cloaks covered in potion stains they found **

George: Flitwick hiding under a cauldron! AAAARGH!

**Percy, deeply immersed in a small and deeply boring book called **_**Prefects Who Gained Power**_

Minerva: Okay, that is just weird.

"_**A study of Hogwarts prefects and their later careers**_**," Ron read aloud off the back cover. "That sounds **_**fascinating**_**…."**

Luna: Actually, it does.

Neville: Please tell me you are joking.

Luna: Why would I be?

"**Go away," Percy snapped.**

Horace: Hmm, pleasant.

"'**Course, he's very ambitions, Percy, he's got it all planned out…. He wants to be Minister of Magic…" **

George: Not ambitious at all.

Ron: I would hate to see him as Minister.

Ginny: Power goes to his head.

Michael: If he thought he would be Minister simply because he was a Prefect, he's sorely mistaken. I mean, old Cornelius was never a Prefect.

Harry: Why don't I find that hard to believe?

**Ron told Harry and Hermione in and undertone as they left Percy to it.**

Ginny: Best to do that before he bores you with stories of "Prefects who gained power"!

**An hour later, they headed for Flourish and Blotts. **

Horace: An hour? What did you do for an hour?

Neville: Wouldn't you like to know?

**They were by no means the only ones making their way to the bookshop. **

Hermione: Nope, the world and his wife were there.

George: What?

Michael: Muggle expression.

George: Oh...

**As they approached it, they saw to their surprise a large crowd jostling outside the doors, trying to get in. **

Luna: Odd for a bookshop.

**The reason for this was proclaimed by a larger banner stretched across the upper windows:**

Minerva: On second thoughts, anyone else want to read?

Ron: Why?

Minerva: Listen to this:

**GILDEROY LOCKHART**

**will be **

George: Dying a slow and painful death if we have anything to do with it.

**signing copies of his autobiography**

**MAGICAL ME**

Hermione: Yeah… Magical…

**today 12:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m.**

"**We can actually meet him!" Hermione squealed. **

Ginny: Oh no.

"**I mean, he's written almost the whole booklist!"**

Harry: We-ell…

**The crowd seemed to be made up mostly of witches around Mrs. Weasley's age. **

Luna: I wonder what Ms. Rowling meant by that.

Ginny: Never mind that, what do _you_ mean by_ that_?

**A harassed-looking wizard stood at the door, saying, "Calmly, please, ladies…. Don't push, there…mind the books, now…."**

Michael: I don't envy that guy.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione squeezed inside. A long line wound right to the back of the shop, where Gilderoy Lockhart was signing his books. They each grabbed a copy of **_**The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2**_

Ron: Which was hard enough to do, let me tell you.

**and sneaked up the line to where the rest of the Weasleys were standing with Mr. and Mrs. Granger.**

Ginny: Who were being harassed by our Dad.

"**Oh, there you are, good," said Mrs. Weasley. She sounded breathless and kept patting her hair. **

Neville: Oh Merlin.

"**We'll be able to see him in a minute…."**

Michael: If the reflection off of his teeth doesn't blind you first.

**Gilderoy Lockhart came slowly into view, seated at a table surround by large pictures of his own face, all winking and flashing dazzlingly white teeth at the crowd. **

George: Most of whom were wearing sunglasses just to protect their eyes.

Minerva: Well, actually they're fake.

Luna: What are?

Minerva: His teeth.

George: Oh, the scandal!

**The real Lockhart was wearing robes of forget-me-not blue**

Hermione: So… basically… lilac…

Neville: Why didn't they just write that?

**that exactly matched his eyes; his pointed wizard's hat was set at a jaunty angle on his wavy hair.**

Minerva: Okay, now I think I'm going to throw up.

**A short, irritable-looking man was dancing **

George: To the conga, trying to get to the front of the line.

**around taking photographs with a large black camera that emitted puffs of purple smoke with every blinding flash.**

Ginny: They were trying to stop everyone from vomiting over Lockhart.

"**Out of the way, there," he snarled at Ron, moving back to get a better shot. "This is for the **_**Daily Prophet**_**—"**

Horace: What a waste of time.

Minerva: Hey, there's something we agree on.

Horace: You thought it was a waste of time to tell them to move, too?

Minerva: No, I meant that the Daily Prophet was a waste of time.

Michael: We can't say that any more; they've started printing the truth. Besides, Jack's working there now.

Hermione: Who's Jack?

Michael: Our eldest grandson.

Horace: Well, there goes our moment.

"**Big deal," said Ron, rubbing his foot where the photographer had stepped on it.**

Neville: Nice.

**Gilderoy Lockhart heard him. He looked up. He saw Ron—and then he saw Harry.**

Harry: Damn.

**He stared. **

Minerva: Because he couldn't gather his two brain cells together to remember how to talk.

Horace: don't be ridiculous.

Michael: Yeah, he has less than two brain cells.

Horace: Not what I meant.

Michael: I know.

**Then he leapt up to his feet and positively shouted, "It **_**can't**_** be Harry Potter?"**

Harry: No, it's not, so go away!

**The crowd parted, whispering excitedly; Lockhart dived forward, seized Harry's arm, and pulled him to the front. **

George: Where he exploded out of embarrassment.

**The crowd burst into applause. Harry's face burned as Lockhart shook his hand **

Luna: Ouch.

George: ARGH! He turned into Quivering Quirrell.

Neville: Quivering Quirrell?

George: Yeah, I've been working on it for a while, you like it?

Ron: Meh, it could use some work.

**for the photographer, who was clicking away madly, wafting thick smoke over the Weasleys.**

Neville: Lovely.

"**Nice big smile, Harry," said Lockhart, through his own gleaming teeth. "Together, you and I are worth the front page."**

Hermione: Only because Lockhart lowers the value.

Ginny: Yeah, Harry's worth twelve front pages.

Ron: Just twelve?

Harry: Aw, thanks guys.

**When he finally let go of Harry's hand, Harry could hardly feel his fingers. He tried to sidle back over to the Weasleys, but Lockhart threw an arm around his shoulders and clamped him tightly to his side.**

George: Then whispered sensually in his ear, "Are you free tomorrow night?"

Everyone else (apart from day-dreaming Luna): GEORGE!

"**Ladies and gentlemen," he said loudly, waving for quiet. "What an extraordinary moment this is. The perfect moment for me to make a little announcement I've been sitting on for some time!**

Horace: Yikes.

Michael: Poor little announcement can't have been very happy.

"**When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography--**

Harry: Actually, I didn't.

**which I shall be happy to present to him now, free of charge—" The crowd applauded again. **

Minerva: Mindless morons.

"**He had **_**no idea**_**," Lockhart continued, giving Harry a little shake that made his glasses slip to the end of his nose, **

Hermione: Oi! They had only just been fixed.

"**that he would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, **_**Magical Me**_**. He and his schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. **

(Minerva just sits with her head in her hands).

**Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have great pleasure and pride in announcing that this September, I will be taking up the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"**

All (except Horace and Luna): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

**The crowd cheered and clapped and Harry found himself being presented with the entire works of Gilderoy Lockhart. Staggering slightly under their weight, **

Michael: Merlin knows how he wrote so much.

**he managed to make his way out of the limelight to the edge of the room, where Ginny was standing next to her new cauldron.**

Ginny: Merlin knows how we managed to fit it in, though.

"**You have these," Harry mumbled to her, tipping the books into the cauldron. "I'll buy my own—"**

Ginny: Thank you, Harry!

"**Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?" said a voice Harry had no trouble recognizing. He straightened up and found himself face-to-face with Draco Malfoy, who was wearing his usual sneer.**

Neville: There's a surprise.

"_**Famous**_** Harry Potter," said Malfoy. "Can't even go into a **_**bookshop**_** without making the front page."**

"**Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!" said Ginny. It was the first time she had spoken in front of Harry. **

Harry: And after that she never shut up.

Ginny: But you love it!

Harry: Yeah, I do.

(Snogging)

Horace (looking at Michael and Minerva): Great, you've passed on your disease, are you happy now?

Michael: Nothing wrong with spreading happiness, Slugster.

Horace: There is if it makes other people want to vomit.

**She was glaring at Malfoy.**

"**Potter, you've got yourself a **_**girlfriend**_**!" drawled Malfoy. **

Hermione: What was he, five?

**Ginny went scarlet as Ron and Hermione fought their way over, both clutching stacks of Lockhart's books.**

Ron: Actually, there were so many that we could hardly hold them, let alone clutch them.

Hermione: Anyway, if it were up to Ron, we would've thrown them all away.

"**Oh, it's you," said Ron, looking at Malfoy as if he were something unpleasant on the sole of his shoe.**

Golden Trio, Neville, George and Ginny: Too right!

"**Bet you're surprised to see Harry here, eh?"**

George: Why would he be?

"**Not as surprised as I am to see you in a shop, Weasley," retorted Malfoy. "I suppose your parents will go hungry for a month to pay for all those."**

Minerva: What an ass.

**Ron went as red as Ginny. He dropped his books into the cauldron, too, and started toward Malfoy, but Harry and Hermione grabbed the back of his jacket.**

"**Ron!" said Mr. Weasley, struggling over with Fred and George. "What are you doing? It's too crowded in here, let's go outside."**

"**Well, well, well—Arthur Weasley."**

**It was Mr. Malfoy. **

Minerva: That man makes my blood boil. He's not even a man, he's a – thing!

George: I'm detecting vibes that you really don't like the Malfoys. Why would that be?

Minerva: Actually, I'm related to them in some distant way. But they decided that I'm a 'blood traitor' because Michael's Muggle born. I never did agree with the Pureblood prejudices.

Michael: Yeah, if they had their way you would have been married to some monster.

Horace: Well, she's married to you.

Michael: Are you really thick enough to get on my bad side again?

**He stood with his hand on Draco's shoulder, sneering in just the same way.**

All: Git.

"**Lucius," said Mr. Weasley, nodding coldly.**

Ginny: How do you nod coldly?

George: Cast a Freezing charm on your head. Or just throw a Frostbomb at him.

Luna: What's a Frostbomb?

George: I'm so glad you asked. Frostbombs: turn your worst enemy into a snowman for up to a whole hour. Only 10 Sickles a piece at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

"**Busy time at the Ministry, I hear," said Mr. Malfoy. "All those raids…I hope they're paying you overtime?"**

Ron: We wish!

**He reached into Ginny's cauldron and extracted, from amid the glossy Lockhart books, a very old, very battered copy of **_**A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration.**_

Horace: Nice to know you respect your books.

Minerva: Shut up, Slug.

Horace: Just because they respect my subject more than your old one.

Minerva: How did you figure that out?

Horace: Shiny new Potions cauldron versus a battered old Transfiguration book. Work it out.

Ginny: Shut up.

"**Obviously not," Mr. Malfoy said. "Dear me, what's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don't even pay you well for it?"**

All: Bigger GIT!

**Mr. Weasley flushed darker than either Ron or Ginny.**

George: Which is hard to visualise.

"**We have a very different idea of what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy," he said.**

(All cheer).

Michael: Way to go, Arthur.

"**Clearly," said Mr. Malfoy, his pale eyes straying to Mr. and Mrs. Granger, who were watching apprehensively. "The company you keep, Weasley…and I thought your family could sink no lower—"**

(All send death glares at the book, even Luna this time).

**There was a thud of metal as Ginny's cauldron went flying; **

George: At Malfoy's head?

Harry: If only.

**Mr. Weasley had thrown himself at Mr. Malfoy, knocking him backward into a bookshelf. **

George: That's my dad!

**Dozens of heavy spellbooks came thundering down on all their heads; **

Neville: Now, Luna, you can say 'Ouch'!

Luna: Why would I do that? It's not real.

Neville: B-but… I… you…

Hermione: Just… let it go, Neville…

**there was a yell of, "Get him, Dad!" from Fred or George; **

(All, except Luna, laugh)

Luna: I can't believe that you are condoning this violence.

**Mrs. Weasley was shrieking, "No, Arthur, no!"; **

Horace: Which is actually the opposite of what you want to hear.

Minerva: Now who's starting on the innuendo?

Michael: Don't worry, Horace has had loads of women shouting that at him. And, when I say 'loads', I mean one. At the most.

**the crowd stampeded backward, knocking more shelves over; "Gentlemen, please—please!" cried the assistant, and then, louder than all—**

George: STOP IT YOU IDIOTIC LICE!!!

Ginny: That's all you could think of?

George: I'm not great at improvisation.

Ginny: You're telling us…

"**Break it up, there, gents, break it up—"**

Neville: Somehow, I don't see that coming.

**Hagrid was wading toward them through the sea of books. **

Luna: Literally a sea? Because I think you would notice the dying fish.

Neville: Dying fish?

Luna: They can't live out of water.

**In an instant he had pulled Mr. Weasley and Mr. Malfoy apart. Mr. Weasley had a cut lip and Mr. Malfoy had been hit in the eye by an **_**Encyclopaedia of Toadstools**_**. **

Neville: Ouch! That's a BIG book!

Luna: Only you would know that.

Neville: Your point is?

**He was still holding Ginny's old Transfiguration book. He thrust it at her, his eyes glittering with malice.**

George: Yes, because glitter sounds malicious.

"**Here, girl—take your book—it's the best your father can give you—" **

All (yes, even Luna): GIT!

**Pulling himself out of Hagrid's grip he beckoned to Draco and swept from the shop.**

"**Yeh should've ignored him, Arthur," **

Horace: Too little, too late.

**said Hagrid, almost lifting Mr. Weasley off his feet as he straightened his robes. **

Harry: Ah, Hagrid…

"**Rotten ter the core, the whole family, **

Minerva: Everyone knows that!

**everyone knows that**

Minerva: Told you.

—**no Malfoy's worth listenin' ter—bad blood, that's what it is**

Michael: That kind of contradicts the whole 'Pureblood' crap theory, doesn't it?

—**come on now—let's get outta here."**

Hermione: Good idea.

**The assistant looked as though he wanted to stop them leaving, **

Harry: Why would he want that? That's just a ridiculous thing to right.

**but he barely came up to Hagrid's waist and seemed to think better of it.**

Harry: Wise decision.

**They hurried up the street, the Grangers shaking with fright **

Hermione (sarcastically): That was fun to deal with.

**and Mrs. Weasley beside herself with fury.**

Michael: Ooh, look out!

"**A **_**fine**_** example to set for your children…**_**brawling**_** in public…**

Ron: Was awesome!

_**what**_** Gilderoy Lockhart must've thought—"  
**Ginny: Who gives a damn?

"**He was pleased," said Fred. "Didn't you hear him as we were leaving? **

Harry: No, we all tried to block out his voice.

**He was asking that bloke from the **_**Daily Prophet**_** if he'd be able to work the fight into his report—said it was all publicity—"**

All: Liar.

**But it was a subdued group that headed back to the fireside in the Leaky Cauldron, where Harry, the Weasleys, and all their shopping would be travelling back to the Burrow using Floo powder. They said good-bye to the Grangers, who were leaving the pub for **

George: The bar on the other side?

Hermione: OI! That's my parents you're talking about!

**the Muggle street on the other side; Mr. Weasley started to ask them how bus stops worked, but stopped quickly at the look on Mrs. Weasley's face.**

Minerva: Very wise choice.

**Harry took off his glasses and put them safely in his pocket before helping himself to Floo powder. It definitely wasn't his favourite way to travel.**

Minerva, Horace and Neville: Here, here!


	5. Car Calamities

_A/N: I am SO sorry I've taken so long over updating my stories but, between homework, coursework and musical rehearsals, I've had next to no spare time._

Hermione: I'll read this one!

**Chapter Five - The Whomping Willow**

Horace: Well, this sounds interesting.

**The end of the summer vacation came too quickly for Harry's liking. **

Ginny: Doesn't it always.

**He was looking forward to getting back to Hogwarts, but his month at the Burrow had been the happiest of his life. **

Ron: Aw, cheers mate.

Harry: It was! It was totally awesome!

Ginny: American much?

**It was difficult not to feel jealous of Ron when he thought of the Dursleys and the sort of welcome he could expect next time he turned up on Privet Drive.**

Horace: Let's count that one, just for the hell of it.

**On their last evening, Mrs. Weasley conjured up a sumptuous dinner that included all of Harry's favourite things, ending with a mouth-watering treacle pudding. **

Ron: Mum's treacle pudding is the best...

Ginny: Stop fantasizing about Mum's cooking, Ronald.

**Fred and George rounded off the evening with a display of Filibuster fireworks; they filled the kitchen with red and blue stars that bounced from ceiling to wall for at least half an hour. **

Luna: Why on earth did you set off fireworks in the kitchen?

George: We didn't. They just sort of ended up there... Mum went mad.

(All Weasleys, Harry, Horace, Michael and Minerva wince).

**Then it was time for a last mug of hot chocolate and bed.**

Horace: Why can't I get away from damned hot chocolate?

Ginny: Why would you want to?

Minerva: It reminds him of a certain long-bearded wizard.

George: Merlin?

Luna: No, she means Dumbledore.

George: Hang on. How did she get that and I didn't?

Horace: She's smarter. Anyway, back to the point…

(Eight mugs of hot chocolate appear on the table).

Horace (sarcastically): Urgh! You lot really boost my self-confidence…

Michael (to Minerva): Do you reckon he'll ever work out they were just from us?

Minerva (to Michael): I doubt it.

**It took a long while to get started next morning. They were up at dawn, but somehow they still seemed to have a great deal to do. **

Hermione: Nothing ever is simple, is it?

Ron: HA! Says the brains of the century!

(Hermione just blushes).

**Mrs. Weasley dashed about in a bad mood looking **

George: - Like a flustered koala bear.

Luna: I just want to know how you know what a flustered koala bear looks like...

**for spare socks and quills; people kept colliding on the stairs, **

Ginny: And yet, we weren't even at Hogwarts.

**half-dressed **

George: Ooh err, Missus!

**with bits of toast in their hands; **

Ginny: Unless you were Percy, in which case it was a bowl of porridge.

Horace and Ron: Ewww!

Neville: Are you two going to keep getting more alike?

(Horace and Ron shift in their chairs).

Ginny: No, seriously.

**and Mr. Weasley nearly broke his neck, tripping over a stray chicken as he crossed the yard carrying Ginny's trunk to the car.**

(Everybody laughs).

Luna: Poor chicken!

**Harry couldn't see how eight people, six large trunks, two owls, and a rat were going to fit into one small Ford Anglia. **

George: MAGIC!!

Harry: Well, I know that now!

**He had reckoned, of course, without the special features that Mr. Weasley had added.**

Horace: That sounds interesting.

"**Not a word to Molly," he whispered to Harry **

Michael, Minerva, George and Ginny: She'll find out.

**as he opened the trunk and showed him how it had been magically expanded so that the luggage fitted easily.**

Minerva: She will notice; Molly's a sharp one.

George: I beg to differ!

Ginny: How else would they have come up with all those practical jokes?

**When at last they were all in the car, Mrs. Weasley glanced into the back seat, where Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Percy were all sitting comfortably **

George: Apart from the fact they made me sit next to Perce!

**side by side, and said, "Muggles do know more than we give them credit for, don't they?" **

Minerva (shocked): You. Are. Kidding???!

Harry: Not at all.

**She and Ginny got into the front seat, which had been stretched so that it resembled a park bench. **

Ginny: Well, that's a lie; it wasn't wooden for one thing!

"**I mean, you'd never know it was this roomy from the outside, would you?"**

Minerva: Oh dear Merlin...

**Mr. Weasley started up the engine and they trundled out of the yard, Harry turning back for a last look at the house. **

Harry: Love that house.

Hermione: How could you not?

George: I know! IT'S AMAZING!!!

Ron: Yeah...

**He barely had time to wonder when he'd see it again when they were back. **

Luna: Wow, that year went quickly!

Neville: Oh. My. God! Luna just did sarcasm!

Luna: Really?

Neville: There she goes again! I think I might faint!

Luna: No, really, I wasn't being sarcastic.

(Neville just points at her with a shocked expression).

Luna: Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Neville: Oh... damn...

**George had forgotten his box of Filibuster fireworks. **

Minerva: Damn, we could have survived a year without them!

**Five minutes after that, they skidded to a halt in the yard so that Fred could run in for his broomstick. **

Horace: Now, that, you could live without for a year.

George, Ginny, Harry, Ron, Michael and Minerva: No we couldn't!

Horace: You would say that; you were all on the Quidditch team!

**They had almost reached the motorway when Ginny shrieked that she'd left her diary. **

George: Aww, ickle Ginny forgot her diawy!

**By the time she had clambered back into the car, they were running very late, and tempers were running high.**

Horace: Well, you know what the Muggles say; fourth time lucky.

Michael: Actually, it's third time lucky.

Horace: No, I think you will find it is 'fourth time'.

Hermione: No, it really is third.

(Horace mutters something that I am not at liberty to repeat).

**Mr. Weasley glanced at his watch and then at his wife.**

"**Molly, dear —"**

"**No, Arthur —–"**

Ron: I knew it! I KNEW she could read minds! I just knew it!

Luna: Okay then…

"**No one would see — **

Michael: He's pushing it.

**this little button here is an Invisibility Booster I installed — **

George: Why is he even trying?

**that'd get us up in the air — **

Michael: He's a dead man.

**then we fly above the clouds. We'd be there in ten minutes and no one would be any the wiser —"**

Minerva: Oh, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, when will you learn, my friend?

"**I said no, Arthur, not in broad daylight —"**

Ginny: Woah, I was so surprised he wasn't dead by that point.

**They reached King's Cross at a quarter to eleven. **

Ron: Yeah, we liked it cut it fine...

**Mr. Weasley dashed across the road to get trolleys for their trunks and they all hurried into the station.**

**Harry had caught the Hogwarts Express the previous year. **

Hermione: This J.K. Rowling really does like to state the obvious, doesn't she?

**The tricky part was getting onto platform nine and three-quarters, **

Harry: No it wasn't. The tricky part was avoiding Malfoy and his goons.

**which wasn't visible to the Muggle eye. What you had to do was walk through the solid barrier dividing platforms nine and ten. **

Luna: Like the barrier at St. Mungo's.

Neville: Oh yeah, I never thought about that.

Luna: People are intelligent in different ways, Neville.

George: So, in what way are you intelligent?

**It didn't hurt, but it had to be done carefully so that none of the Muggles noticed you vanishing.**

Ron: Easier said than done.

George: That is because you, little brother, were not blessed with the sacred art of subtlety.

Ron: And you were?

George: Ah... you have a point...

"**Percy first," **

Ginny: Yes, ladies first.

Michael: You really do hate your brother, don't you?

Horace: Oh, well done, Captain Slow!

Michael: No, that's James May!

(Everyone apart from Harry looks at him blankly).

Michael: Top Gear? A Muggle television program about cars? Min, you've even seen it before, don't you remember?

Minerva: Oh yes... was that the one with the man who wore incredibly tight jeans?

Michael: Yes! That was Jeremy Clarkson.

Minerva: Oh... it bored me.

Michael: What?

Minerva: Muggle cars bore me.

Michael: But you can drive Muggle cars!

Minerva: That doesn't mean I find them particularly fascinating.

Ginny: Don't let Dad hear you say that.

Michael: But how - ?

Hermione (furiously red in the cheeks): Can you just SHUT UP so I can finish the chapter?

(Silence).

Hermione: THANK YOU!

**said Mrs. Weasley, looking nervously at the clock overhead, which showed they had only five minutes to disappear casually through the barrier.**

Neville (glumly): I never managed to be casual about it; Gran always had to push me through.

**Percy strode briskly forward **

Ron: Because he's not capable of being casual.

**and vanished. **

George: NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!!! Bwah ha ha ha ha!!

**Mr. Weasley went next; Fred and George followed.**

"**I'll take Ginny and you two come right after us," Mrs. Weasley told Harry and Ron, grabbing Ginny's hand and setting off. **

Ginny: She has a grip like a vice!

**In the blink of an eye they were gone.**

George: Cue the dramatic music!

"**Let's go together, we've only got a minute," Ron said to Harry.**

Ron: Like I said, we liked to cut it fine.

**Harry made sure that Hedwig's cage was safely wedged on top of his trunk and wheeled his trolley around to face the barrier. He felt perfectly confident; **

Luna: In that case, something bad HAS to happen!

Horace: How so?

Luna: He's lowering his defences; being nervous keeps you alert.

Harry: Is it just me, or has Luna been making a lot more sense this chapter.

Neville: Probably won't last long.

**this wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as using Floo powder. Both of them bent low over the handles of their trolleys and walked purposefully toward the barrier, gathering speed. A few feet away from it, they broke into a run and —**

**CRASH.**

Horace: What? How did that happen?

Minerva: If you stop interrupting, you might find out!

**Both trolleys hit the barrier and bounced backward; **

George: Right into the face of a passing Muggle businessman. Like I said; subtle.

**Ron's trunk fell off with a loud thump, Harry was knocked off his feet, and Hedwig's cage bounced onto the shiny floor, and she rolled away, shrieking indignantly; **

Hermione: I'm not surprised, poor Hedwig.

**people all around them stared and a guard nearby yelled, "What in blazes d'you think you're doing?"**

Neville: Think of something quick!

"**Lost control of the trolley," **

Ginny: Nice dodge. On the other hand, they all think you are incompetent idiots.

Harry: I'm sorry, would you rather we told them that we were trying to run through a wall onto a magical platform they can't see, all so that we can get on a big red train to go to a magic school full of nutters were we learn spells and lots of other STUFF?

Ron: Suddenly this whole world seems a lot less sane...

**Harry gasped, clutching his ribs as he got up. Ron ran to pick up Hedwig, who was causing such a scene that there was a lot of muttering about cruelty to animals from the surrounding crowd.**

Luna: It's like they think you did it on purpose.

Ron: Yet they didn't care that we were in pain.

"**Why can't we get through?" Harry hissed to Ron.**

Hermione: That's a stupid question.

Horace: How so?

Hermione: If Ron knew that half of our second year would never have happened in the way it did.

Horace: I am intrigued.

Hermione: And my lips are sealed.

Horace: Damn.

"**I dunno —"**

Hermione: See?

Ron (looking at Harry): See?

Ginny: What?

Harry: He just bet me a Galleon that Hermione would say that.

**Ron looked wildly around. A dozen curious people were still watching them.**

Neville: Nosy.

George: Whoever they were, those people needed to get a life!

"**We're going to miss the train," Ron whispered. "I don't understand why the gateway's sealed itself —"**

Ginny: But, to be fair, he doesn't understand much else.

**Harry looked up at the giant clock with a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ten seconds… nine seconds…**

Michael: Counting the seconds to your doom –

Ron: We were lame...

**He wheeled his trolley forward cautiously until it was right against the barrier and pushed with all his might. The metal remained solid.**

Minerva: What, did you think it was just being temperamental the first time?

Horace: Much like somebody I could tell you about.

Minerva: Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.

**Three seconds… two seconds… one second…**

(Hermione hums the tune to Countdown).

Luna: What are you doing?

Hermione: Urm... never mind...

"**It's gone," said Ron, sounding stunned. **

George: But he wasn't talking about the train; he was talking about the last solitary scrap of sanity he had.

Ginny: No, that left LOOOOOOOONG before then.

"**The train's left. What if Mum and Dad can't get back through to us? **

Minerva: Honestly, you see parents waving you off, do you really think they would be trapped there for a whole year?

Ron: N-o... but it's a bloody brilliant idea.

Minerva: Oh, what have I done?

**Have you got any Muggle money?"**

**Harry gave a hollow laughed. "The Dursleys haven't given me pocket money for about six years."**

Michael: Why am I no longer surprised?

Horace: Can we count that one?

Minerva: I don't know – it wasn't their son directly...

Horace: Oh, pleeeeeeease?

Minerva: Oh, go on then.

(Firewhiskey shots for the pair).

**Ron pressed his ear to the cold barrier.**

"**Can't hear a thing," **

Luna: That's because it is solid metal.

Neville: No, really, this is getting scary...

**he said tensely, "What're we going to do? I don't know how long it'll take Mum and Dad to get back to us."**

Horace: You wait for them.

Minerva: Look, even HE can work that out!

**They looked around. People were still watching them, mainly because of Hedwig's continuing screeches.**

Harry: As much as I loved that owl, she didn't half know how to make it awkward!

"**I think we'd better go and wait by the car," said Harry. "We're attracting too much atten —"**

"**Harry!" said Ron, his eyes gleaming. "The car!"**

Minerva: Oh, so that's how it happened. I always did wonder.

Luna: How what happened?

Michael: How they made one of the most ridiculous decisions of their lives.

"**What about it?"**

Hermione: Really?

Harry: Yes. I actually asked that.

"**We can fly the car to Hogwarts!"**

Horace: Please tell me you didn't.

Minerva: What do you think?

Michael: Don't you read ANY newspapers?

Horace: Nope.

Michael: That explains a lot.

"**But I thought —"**

"**We're stuck, right? **

Ginny: Ye-es.

**And we've got to get to school, haven't we? **

George: Ye-es.

**And even underage wizards are allowed to use magic if it's a real emergency, **

Neville: Which this is not.

**section nineteen or something of the Restriction of Thingy —"**

Hermione: Your intelligence reeeeally shone through in that sentence, Ronald.

"**But your Mum and Dad…" said Harry, pushing against the barrier again in the vain hope that it would give way. **

Harry: Which it didn't.

"**How will they get home?"**

George: They will turn the clouds into marshmallows and bounce all the way back to the Burrow.

Neville: Yeah...

"**They don't need the car!" said Ron impatiently. "They know how to Apparate! **

Neville: That sounds much more likely.

**You know, **

Harry: No I didn't.

**just vanish and reappear at home! They only bother with Floo powder and the car because we're all underage and we're not allowed to Apparate yet…"**

Harry: Shame Dumbledore forgot that.

George: HA! Dumbledore took your Apparation virginity!

All (yes, even Horace): SHUT UP!!!

**Harry's feeling of panic turned suddenly to excitement.**

Minerva: WHY?

Ron: We were twelve year old boys who were about to fly an enchanted car all the way to our school of nutters – as mentioned earlier. You tell me.

"**Can you fly it?"**

"**No, **

Horace: Well, that helps!

Hermione: I'm not finished the sentence!

**problem," **

Horace: Damn! The one time I get to use sarcasm...

**said Ron, wheeling his trolley around to face the exit. "C'mon, let's go. If we hurry we'll be able to follow the Hogwarts Express —"**

Michael: I thought Minerva was lying to me the first time I heard this story.

Hermione: I take it you don't read the Prophet?

Michael: I like to retain some dignity, thank you. That paper just lowers people's standards.

**And they marched off through the crowd of curious Muggles, out of the station and back onto the side road where the old Ford Anglia was parked.**

(George performs a drum roll on the table).

Hermione and Minerva: Stop that.

Horace and Ron: We're not the only ones who are becoming alike.

Neville: This is getting creepy; Luna's making sense, you lot are all sounding like each other, Hermione's stressed –

Hermione: I AM NOT STRESSED!! IF YOU LOT WOULD LET ME FINISH THE CHAPTER I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOUT!!!

Neville: I hate to say "I told you so" -

**Ron unlocked the cavernous trunk with a series of taps from his wand. **

Hermione: That can't be right. You couldn't do non-verbal magic until sixth year. And why is he not being punished for underage magic in the presence of Muggles?

Ginny: J.K. Rowling didn't think this through, did she?

**They heaved their luggage back in, put Hedwig on the back seat, **

Michael: There's your answer, right there. Send an owl.

Harry: But, be honest, would you have sent an owl in place of a flying invisible car when YOU were twelve?

Michael: I concur.

**and got into the front.**

"**Check that no one's watching," said Ron, starting the ignition with another tap of his wand. **

Horace: Again with the illegal magic!

**Harry stuck his head out of the window: traffic was rumbling along the main road ahead, but their street was empty.**

Luna: What a coincidence.

"**Okay," he said.**

**Ron pressed a tiny silver button on the dashboard. The car around them vanished — and so did they. **

George: When they re-emerged, they found themselves in a dark cave-like structure. All was silent until a huge bat creature swooped out from the shadows and descended upon them; Severus Snape had had his dinner...and they never came back!

Ginny: Oh, brother!

**Harry could feel the seat vibrating beneath him, hear the engine, feel his hands on his knees and his glasses on his nose, but for all he could see, he had become a pair of eyeballs, floating a few feet above the ground in a dingy street full of parked cars.**

Horace: Now THAT would have been interesting to see!

Michael: Why is she making it seem like you're finding being invisible weird? I mean, you spent the majority of your first year under an invisibility cloak.

Harry: I wasn't finding it weird; I think she ran out of ideas for this chapter.

"**Let's go," said Ron's voice from his right.**

**And the ground and the dirty buildings on either side fell away, dropping out of sight as the car rose; in seconds, the whole of London lay, smoky and glittering, **

Neville: And that's just because of the pollution.

Hermione: Yes, but glittering? She makes it sound like an Edward Cullen town.

Everyone else: Edward Cullen?

Hermione: He's part of the Twilight saga... a vampire.

Minerva: And he... glitters?

Hermione: Yes.

Minerva: Vampires don't glitter, that's just wrong.

Ron: And lame.

Harry: Seconded!

Ginny: Third-ed! I know that's not a word but... yeah...

Hermione: Actually, I think it's rather good.

Michael: I'm afraid you are the only one. Anyway, we weren't brought here to discuss an inferior –and frankly ridiculous - book, were we?

**below them.**

**Then there was a popping noise and the car, Harry, and Ron reappeared.**

George: As snails.

Ginny: What?

George: That's the noise Animagi make when they change back.

Minerva: He's right.

"**Uh-oh," said Ron, jabbing at the Invisibility Booster. "It's faulty —"**

Ginny: Duh! Dad made it, what do you expect?

**Both of them pummelled it. The car vanished. Then it flickered back again.**

Ron: Damn.

"**Hold on!" Ron yelled, and he slammed his foot on the accelerator; they shot straight into the low, woolly clouds and everything turned dull and foggy.**

Neville: Well, yeah, you were in the clouds.

"**Now what?" said Harry, blinking at the solid mass of cloud pressing in on them from all sides.**

Harry: Never a normal day...

"**We need to see the train to know what direction to go in," said Ron.**

George: Or, we could stick our heads out of the window, see which way the wind is going and ask our unicorns to guide us!

Ginny: George, really?

"**Dip back down again — quickly —"**

Michael: Ooh err!

George: That's what I thought.

**They dropped back beneath the clouds and twisted around in their seats, squinting at the ground.**

"**I can see it!" Harry yelled. "Right ahead — there!"**

Ginny: Congratulations, your eyes work!

**The Hogwarts Express was streaking along below them like a scarlet snake.**

Hermione: But it goes in a straight line.

"**Due north," said Ron, checking the compass on the dashboard. "Okay, we'll just have to check on it every half hour or so **

Horace: I hate to break this to you, but you can get lost in a lot less time than half an hour.

— **hold on —"**

**And they shot up through the clouds. A minute later, they burst out into a blaze of sunlight.**

Luna: Sounds like that hurt.

Neville: She's BACK!!!

**It was a different world. **

Minerva: No, no it wasn't.

Horace: But it was! It was Middle Earth!

Everyone else (apart from Hermione): What?

Horace: Muggle book.

Minerva: Can we please stop with the Muggle book references?

**The wheels of the car skimmed the sea of fluffy cloud, the sky a bright, endless blue under the blinding white sun.**

Harry: Not quite blinding, actually; I can still see.

Ginny: Well done, Sherlock!

Horace: Now you're doing it too!

"**All we've got to worry about now are airplanes," said Ron.**

Neville: That's encouraging.

**They looked at each other and started to laugh; for a long time, they couldn't stop.**

Harry: If only there was a toilet on that car.

Ron: EW! Please tell me you didn't!

Harry: No, it was a joke.

Ron: Phew.

**It was as though they had been plunged into a fabulous dream. This, thought Harry, was surely the only way to travel **

Ginny: I disagree.

— **past swirls and turrets of snowy cloud, **

Neville: J.K. Rowling has a fascination with clouds.

**in a car full of hot, bright sunlight, **

Luna: That sounds more uncomfortable than pleasant.

**with a fat pack of toffees in the glove compartment, **

Michael: Oh, yeah, because that makes a great road trip!

Horace: What's your definition of a great road trip?

(Michael and Minerva look at each other)

Minerva: That's a story for another time.

**and the prospect of seeing Fred's and George's jealous faces **

George: Nice to know you thought that much of us.

**when they landed smoothly and spectacularly on the sweeping lawn in front of Hogwarts castle.**

Ron and Harry: If only!

**They made regular checks on the train as they flew farther and farther north, **

George: Until they eventually flew straight past Scotland and landed in the sea.

Ron: Thanks.

George: Call it payback.

**each dip beneath the clouds showing them a different view. **

Ginny: That's generally what happens when you travel; you end up in different places.

**London was soon far behind them, replaced by neat green fields that gave way in turn to wide, purplish moors, a great city alive with cars like multicoloured ants, **

Hermione: Well, that's imaginative.

**villages with tiny toy churches.**

Neville: Hopefully not really toys.

**Several uneventful hours later, **

Minerva: That's actually saying that she couldn't think of anything else to write.

**however, Harry had to admit that some of the fun was wearing off. **

Michael: That's normally the point where everybody starts snapping at each other.

Minerva: Don't remind me.

**The toffees had made them extremely thirsty and they had nothing to drink. **

George: Well...

**He and Ron had pulled off their sweaters, but Harry's T-shirt was sticking to the back of his seat **

Luna: Too much information.

**and his glasses kept sliding down to the end of his sweaty nose. He had stopped noticing the fantastic cloud shapes now and was thinking longingly of the train miles below, where you could buy ice-cold pumpkin juice **

Hermione: Really?

**from a trolley pushed by a plump witch. Why hadn't they been able to get onto platform nine and three-quarters?**

Ron: Because everybody hated us!

(Awkward silence)

Ron: Oh, NOBODY CONTRADICT ME!!

Harry: Thanks a bunch.

"**Can't be much further, can it?" croaked Ron, hours later still, as the sun started to sink into their floor of cloud, **

George (waving his arms around): Clouds, clouds EVERYWHERE!

**staining it a deep pink. "Ready for another check on the train?"**

**It was still right below them, winding its way past a snow-capped mountain. It was much darker beneath the canopy of clouds.**

Neville: What is so amazing about clouds?

Luna: They always change shape; they're very interesting actually.

**Ron put his foot on the accelerator and drove them upward again, but as he did so, the engine began to groan.**

Horace: Uh oh.

**Harry and Ron exchanged nervous glances.**

"**It's probably just tired," said Ron. "It's never been this far before…"**

Michael: Tired? You really didn't have much experience with Muggle cars, did you Ron?

**And they both pretended not to notice the whining growing louder and louder as the sky became steadily darker. **

Hermione: Ignoring the problem won't get it sorted.

Ron: And neither will telling us that years after it actually happened.

**Stars were blossoming in the blackness. Harry pulled his sweater back on, trying to ignore the way the windshield wipers were now waving feebly, as though in protest.**

George: It's trying to tell you something.

"**Not far," said Ron, more to the car than to Harry, "not far now," and he patted the dashboard nervously.**

Ron: Yeah. Reassuring it didn't help.

**When they flew back beneath the clouds **

Hermione: SHUT UP ABOUT THE CLOUDS!!

**a little while later, they had to squint through the darkness for a landmark they knew.**

"**There!" Harry shouted, making Ron and Hedwig jump. "Straight ahead!"**

**Silhouetted on the dark horizon, **

George: Was a –

Ginny: Don't even go there, George!

George: Awww...

**high on the cliff over the lake, stood the many turrets and towers of Hogwarts castle.**

All: HOORAY!!

**But the car had begun to shudder and was losing speed.**

Harry: We were so close.

"**Come on," Ron said cajolingly, giving the steering wheel a little shake, "nearly there, come on —"**

Neville: I'm guessing that one didn't work either.

**The engine groaned. Narrow jets of steam were issuing from under the hood. **

Michael: That's definitely not good.

Horace: Genius of the century award goes to you!

**Harry found himself gripping the edges of his seat very hard as they flew toward the lake.**

Harry: And it hurt.

**The car gave a nasty wobble. Glancing out of his window, Harry saw the smooth, black, glassy surface of the water, a mile below. **

Luna: I think that' a bit of an exaggeration.

**Ron's knuckles were white on the steering wheel. The car wobbled again.**

Luna: As opposed to orange?

"**Come on," Ron muttered.**

**They were over the lake — the castle was right ahead — Ron put his foot down.**

**There was a loud clunk, a splutter, and the engine died completely.**

George (sombrely): Poor engine. We shall remember him for as long as we all shall live.

"**Uh-oh," said Ron, into the silence.**

**The nose of the car dropped. They were falling, gathering speed, heading straight for the solid castle wall.**

Horace: Oh no.

"**Noooooo!" Ron yelled, swinging the steering wheel around; they missed the dark stone wall by inches as the car turned in a great arc, soaring over the dark greenhouses, then the vegetable patch, **

Minerva: Pomona would have killed you if you hit those.

**and then out over the black lawns, losing altitude all the time.**

**Ron let go of the steering wheel completely and pulled his wand out of his back pocket —**

"**STOP! STOP!" he yelled, whacking the dashboard and the windshield, **

Michael: That won't help.

Horace: Again, your command of brain cells is unrivalled.

**but they were still plummeting, the ground flying up toward them —**

"**WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!" **

Hermione: George of the jungle!

George: You called?

Hermione: No, it's a Muggle... you know what, don't worry about it...

**Harry bellowed, lunging for the steering wheel, but too late —**

**CRUNCH.**

**With an ear-splitting bang of metal on wood, they hit the thick tree trunk and dropped to the ground with a heavy jolt. **

Horace: Ouch.

**Steam was billowing from under the crumpled hood; Hedwig was shrieking in terror; **

Luna: I'm not surprised, the poor bird.

**a golf ball-size lump was throbbing on Harry's head where he had hit the windscreen; **

Ginny: I do hope that was an exaggeration.

**and to his right, Ron let out a low, despairing groan.**

"**Are you okay?" Harry said urgently.**

Ron: Fine thanks.

"**My wand," said Ron, in a shaky voice. "Look at my wand —"**

**It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters.**

Horace: Good luck getting a spell out of that.

George: He had enough of a hard time with a fully functioning one.

**Harry opened his mouth to say he was sure they'd be able to mend it up at the school, but he never even got started. **

George: Dun dun dun!

**At that very moment, something hit his side of the car with the force of a charging bull, sending him lurching sideways into Ron, just as an equally heavy blow hit the roof.**

George: Heeeeeelp! We're being crushed by flying buuuuuuuuuuuuuuulls (disappears under the table).

"**What's happen —?"**

George: I told you (popping his head back over the table) it was the buuuuuuuuuulls.

**Ron gasped, staring through the windscreen, and Harry looked around just in time to see a branch as thick as a python smash into it. **

Neville: So, it's green, snakes and clouds that J.K. Rowling's obsessed with?

**The tree they had hit was attacking them. **

Horace: To be fair, you attacked it first.

**Its trunk was bent almost double, and its gnarled boughs were pummelling every inch of the car it could reach.**

Harry: I think that's a bit over-the-top!

"**Aaargh!" said Ron as another twisted limb punched a large dent into his door; the windscreen was now trembling under a hail of blows from knuckle-like twigs and a branch as thick as a battering ram was pounding furiously on the roof, which seemed to be caving in.**

Horace: Now what can you say about your precious Muggle engineering?

"**Run for it!" Ron shouted, **

Hermione: And get yourself killed in the process?

Ron: Either that or getting crushed in a flying car.

**throwing his full weight against his door, but next second he had been knocked backward into Harry's lap by a vicious uppercut from another branch.**

Neville: That thing is better than Mohammed Ali.

Luna: Who?

Neville: One day, Luna, I will find the time to teach you the things you don't know about Muggles.

Ron: I hope you've got more than a day, mate.

"**We're done for!" **

Harry: Refreshingly optimistic, Ron.

**he moaned as the ceiling sagged, but suddenly the floor of the car was vibrating — the engine had restarted.**

All: YAY!!

"**Reverse!" Harry yelled, and the car shot backward; the tree was still trying to hit them; **

Ginny: Well, it's not just going to give up, is it?

**they could hear its roots creaking as it almost ripped itself up, **

Horace: I very much doubt that.

**lashing out at them as they sped out of reach.**

"**That," panted Ron, "was close. Well done, car —"**

George: YAY CAR!!

**The car, however, had reached the end of its tether. **

Ginny: Maybe Dad modelled the car on Mum...

**With two sharp clunks, the doors flew open and Harry felt his seat tip sideways: Next thing he knew he was sprawled on the damp ground. **

Ginny: Okay, he definitely modelled the car on Mum...

**Loud thuds told him that the car was ejecting their luggage from the trunk; Hedwig's cage flew through the air and burst open; she rose out of it with an angry screech and sped off toward the castle without a backward look. **

Harry: Ah, good old Hedwig.

**Then, dented, scratched, and steaming, the car rumbled off into the darkness, its rear lights blazing angrily.**

George: Yep, that's Mum alright.

"**Come back!" Ron yelled after it, brandishing his broken wand. "Dad'll kill me!"**

Minerva: It's not your father you have to worry about.

Michael: It's your mother.

Horace: Don't you start finishing off each other's sentences too!

**But the car disappeared from view with one last snort from its exhaust.**

Ron: Charming.

"**Can you believe our luck?" **

Hermione: What, that you were still alive?

**said Ron miserably, bending down to pick up Scabbers. "Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back."**

Harry: Yes, I could believe that would happen to us.

**He glanced over his shoulder at the ancient tree, which was still flailing its branches threateningly.**

"**Come on," said Harry wearily, "we'd better get up to the school…"**

George: Well done, Mr Genius.

**It wasn't at all the triumphant arrival they had pictured. **

Horace: I'm sure.

**Stiff, cold, and bruised, they seized the ends of their trunks and began dragging them up the grassy slope, toward the great oak front doors.**

Hermione: Well, you brought it on yourself.

"**I think the feast's already started," **

George: Mr Genius the Second, aren't we blessed?

**said Ron, dropping his trunk at the foot of the front steps and crossing quietly to look through a brightly lit window. "Hey — Harry — come and look — it's the Sorting!"**

Ginny: You saw that?

Ron: Looks like it, doesn't it?

George: I am surrounded by incompetents.

Ginny: I am not even going to bother explaining to you how spectacularly foolish you sound right now.

**Harry hurried over and, together, he and Ron peered in at the Great Hall.**

Michael: Hang on, how did you reach the windows?

Harry: I don't remember. I think we were actually further away.

**Innumerable candles were hovering in midair over four long, crowded tables, making the golden plates and goblets sparkle. Overhead, the bewitched ceiling, which always mirrored the sky outside, sparkled with stars.**

Luna: That ceiling's quite disorientating the first time you see it.

Ron: Unless you are Hermione and you happen to have read Hogwarts: A History 20 billion times.

**Through the forest of pointed black Hogwarts hats, **

Neville: There are too many motifs in this story.

**Harry saw a long line of scared-looking first years filing into the Hall. Ginny was among them, easily visible because of her vivid Weasley hair. **

Ginny: Thank you, thank you very much.

**Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall, a bespectacled witch with her hair in a tight bun, was placing the famous Hogwarts Sorting Hat on a stool before the newcomers.**

George: Again...

**Every year, this aged old hat, patched, frayed, and dirty, sorted new students into the four Hogwarts houses (Gryffindor, **

All Gryffindors (there are too many to list!): YAY!!

**Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, **

Luna: Yay!

**and Slytherin). **

Horace: HOORAY!

Ron: Epic fail.

**Harry well remembered putting it on, exactly one year ago, and waiting, petrified, for its decision as it muttered aloud in his ear. **

George: Drum roll please.

**For a few horrible seconds he had feared that the hat was going to put him in Slytherin, **

Horace: Well, that makes me feel great.

**the house that had turned out more Dark witches and wizards than any other, **

Horace: The others have had their fair share too.

**but he had ended up in Gryffindor, along with Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the Weasleys. **

George: WOO!

**Last term, Harry and Ron had helped Gryffindor win the House Championship, **

**beating Slytherin for the first time in seven years.**

Hermione: Er - so did Neville and I.

Ginny: Yeah, but according to J.K. Rowling, you're not important.

**A very small, mousy-haired boy had been called forward to place the hat on his head. **

Ron: Ah, the good old days.

**Harry's eyes wandered past him to where Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster, sat watching the Sorting from the staff table, his long silver beard and half-moon glasses shining brightly in the candlelight. **

Neville: Anyone else think J.K. Rowling is beginning to sound slightly perverted?

**Several seats along, Harry saw Gilderoy Lockhart, dressed in robes of aquamarine. **

George: What kind of poncy colour is that?

**And there at the end was Hagrid, huge and hairy, drinking deeply from his goblet.**

Minerva: I really must cut off his alcohol supply.

"**Hang on…" Harry muttered to Ron. "There's an empty chair at the staff table… Where's Snape?"**

Hermione: This is the part in anti-climactic Muggle stories where said person turns up right in front of them.

George: Er… thanks for the commentary…

**Professor Severus Snape was Harry's least favourite teacher. **

Horace: No surprises there.

**Harry also happened to be Snape's least favourite student. **

Horace: Again, no surprises there.

**Cruel, sarcastic, and disliked by everybody except the students from his own house (Slytherin), **

Minerva: Definitely not true.

Michael: Quite a character, that man.

**Snape taught Potions.**

"**Maybe he's ill!" said Ron hopefully.**

Ron: Wishful thinking.

"**Maybe he's left," said Harry, "because he missed out on the Defence Against Dark Arts job again!"**

Ginny: Even more wishful thinking.

"**Or he might have been sacked!" **

Minerva: Ok, that's just entering the realms of ridiculousness.

**said Ron enthusiastically. "I mean, everyone hates him —"**

Horace: Not true.

"**Or maybe," said a very cold voice right behind them, "he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train."**

Ginny: You two are screwed.

**Harry spun around. There, his black robes rippling in a cold breeze, stood Severus Snape. **

Hermione: I told you.

**He was a thin man with sallow skin, a hooked nose, and greasy, shoulder-length black hair, **

Neville: Rowling is so complimentary.

**and at this moment, he was smiling in a way that told Harry he and Ron were in very deep trouble.**

Ginny: The fact that he was smiling probably gave it away.

"**Follow me," said Snape.**

Luna: Please.

**Not daring even to look at each other, Harry and Ron followed Snape up the steps into the vast, echoing entrance hall, which was lit with flaming torches. **

Harry: And was considerably warmer than where we were off to next.

**A delicious smell of food was wafting from the Great Hall, but Snape led them away from the warmth and light, down a narrow stone staircase that led into the dungeons.**

George: Doesn't that tell you so much about his personality? He lived in the dungeons.

Minerva: It's the only part of the castle which is cool enough to store the majority of the Potions ingredients.

"**In!" he said, opening a door halfway down the cold passageway and pointing.**

Luna: Someone really needs to give lessons in manners at this school.

**They entered Snape's office, shivering. **

Ron: But not because of the cold.

**The shadowy walls were lined with shelves of large glass jars, in which floated all manner of revolting things Harry didn't really want to know the name of at the moment. **

Horace: They're really not that bad.

Minerva: This is coming from the man who thinks it is acceptable to bathe once a year.

**The fireplace was dark and empty. Snape closed the door and turned to look at them.**

George: Shooting rays of fire from his pupils as he did so.

"**So," he said softly, "the train isn't good enough for the famous Harry Potter and his faithful sidekick Weasley. Wanted to arrive with a bang, did we, boys?"**

Michael: If only we'd tried something like this in seventh year...

"**No, sir, it was the barrier at King's Cross, it —"**

Ginny: He won't listen to you.

"**Silence!" said Snape coldly. "What have you done with the car?" Ron gulped. **

Neville: Tell him anything!

**This wasn't the first time Snape had given Harry the impression of being able to read minds. **

Harry: Shame it wasn't just an impression.

**But a moment later, he understood, as Snape unrolled today's issue of the Evening Prophet. "You were seen," **

George: Then Harry knew that his secret was out. He would have to end his relationship with Ron.

Harry and Ron: Ew man! We're best friends... and married!

**he hissed, **

Ginny: Snake-like... again.

**showing them the headline: FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES. **

Hermione: They couldn't come up with a better headline than that?

**He began to read aloud: "Two Muggles in London, convinced they saw an old car flying over the Post Office tower… at noon in Norfolk, Mrs. Hetty Bayliss, while hanging out her washing…**

George: Was – no, I can't say that here...

**Mr. Angus Fleet, of Peebles, reported to police… Six or seven Muggles in all. **

Ron: He reported Muggles?

**I believe your father works in the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office?" **

Ron: Ah... ye-es...

**he said, looking up at Ron and smiling still more nastily. **

Ginny: I wasn't aware he could actually smile.

"**Dear, dear… his own son…"**

**Harry felt as though he'd just been walloped in the stomach by one of the mad tree's larger branches. **

Minerva: I guarantee that would hurt a LOT more!

**If anyone found out Mr. Weasley had bewitched the car… he hadn't thought of that…**

Hermione: Did you think at all?

"**I noticed, in my search of the grounds, that considerable damage seems to have been done to a very valuable Whomping Willow," Snape went on.**

Horace: Please, all it does is swat birds all day.

"**That tree did more damage to us than we —" **

George: Bad choice, bad choice, bad choice, bad choice!

**Ron blurted out.**

"**Silence!" snapped Snape again. "Most unfortunately, you are not in my House and the decision to expel you does not rest with me. **

Ron: HA HA HA HA HA!!! IN YOUR FACE SNAPE!

**I shall go and fetch the people who do have that happy power. **

Michael: How is that happy?

George: He had a twisted sense of humour...

**You will wait here."**

**Harry and Ron stared at each other, white-faced. Harry didn't feel hungry any more. He now felt extremely sick. **

Minerva: Nice to know I have that effect on people.

**He tried not to look at a large, slimy something suspended in green liquid on a shelf behind Snape's desk. **

Neville: I don't think I even want to KNOW what was in that thing...

**If Snape had gone to fetch Professor McGonagall, head of Gryffindor House, they were hardly any better off.**

Horace: So true.

**She might be fairer than Snape, but she was still extremely strict.**

Minerva: Nice to know you lot had faith in me!

Harry: Err… sorry about that…

**Ten minutes later, Snape returned, and sure enough it was Professor McGonagall who accompanied him. Harry had seen Professor McGonagall angry on several occasions, but either he had forgotten just how thin her mouth could go, **

Horace: What sort of thought is that?

Harry: Not one that I had. Geez.

**or he had never seen her this angry before. She raised her wand the moment she entered; Harry and Ron both flinched, **

Minerva: Honestly, you thought – I – you – what the hell? What is this thing with you thinking I'm violent? I mean, first with Wood in your first year, now this?

Hermione: You idiots.

**but she merely pointed it at the empty fireplace, where flames suddenly erupted.**

"**Sit," she said, **

Horace: That was polite.

**and they both backed into chairs by the fire.**

Neville and George: Good choice.

"**Explain," she said, her glasses glinting ominously.**

Horace: Wow, you don't beat around the bush, do you?

Luna: Why –

Neville: It's a Muggle expression, Luna!

**Ron launched into the story, starting with the barrier at the station refusing to let them through.**

"— **so we had no choice, Professor, we couldn't get on the train."**

Horace: But you could have got here in a different manner.

"**Why didn't you send us a letter by owl? I believe you have an owl?" Professor McGonagall said coldly to Harry.**

Minerva: I wasn't being cold; I was stating the obvious.

George: Please, you are the ice queen.

Horace: Don't tell her that, her head will swell.

**Harry gaped at her. Now she said it, that seemed the obvious thing to have done.**

Michael: It always is too late, isn't it?

Harry: Tell me about it!

"**I — I didn't think —"**

"**That," said Professor McGonagall, "is obvious."**

Ron: Merlin, you have such a dark sense of humour.

Minerva: I know. Many people find it incredibly unnerving.

Hermione: Like who?

Minerva: Oh, certain incompetent idiots... mentioning no names... (looks at Horace) and Fudge, among others.

**There was a knock on the office door and Snape, now looking happier than ever, **

Ginny: That's not hard really, is it?

**opened it. **

**There stood the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore. Harry's whole body went numb. **

Harry: Now that bit is true. He's so creepy when he's angry.

Minerva: He wasn't angry. Actually, he found it rather amusing.

**Dumbledore was looking unusually grave. **

Michael: Trying not to laugh. He always did that.

**He stared down his very crooked nose at them, and Harry suddenly found himself wishing he and Ron were still being beaten up by the Whomping Willow.**

Luna: Really?

Harry: Meh.

Horace: That's just twisted.

**There was a long silence. Then Dumbledore said, "Please explain why you did this."**

Ron: We thought it'd be a laugh.

**It would have been better if he had shouted. **

Minerva: That was creepy when he did that...

Harry: I know.

Michael: He scared the hell out of me when he did it to me in school.

Horace: Not exactly a little angel, were you?

Michael: At least I possess more than half a brain cell. I feel sorry for the poor little fellow, you know.

Luna: Feel sorry for whom?

Michael: Horace's lone brain cell. Give him a minute and it'll sink in.

**Harry hated the disappointment in his voice. **

Horace: HEY! I do not have one brain cell!

Michael: Told you.

**For some reason, he was unable to look Dumbledore in the eyes, and spoke instead to his knees. **

Hermione: I'm sure they found the conversation riveting.

**He told Dumbledore everything except that Mr. Weasley owned the bewitched car, **

Minerva: He knew that already. He wanted to save Arthur the grief from Molly.

**making it sound as though he and Ron had happened to find a flying car parked outside the station. **

Harry: Yeah, didn't think he'd buy that bit.

**He knew Dumbledore would see through this at once, but Dumbledore asked no questions about the car. When Harry had finished, he merely continued to peer at them through his spectacles.**

Neville: Why didn't she just call them glasses like everybody else?

"**We'll go and get our stuff," said Ron in a hopeless sort of voice.**

Michael: Aw, poor Ron.

"**What are you talking about, Weasley?" barked Professor McGonagall.**

Minerva: Again with the barking! What the hell?

Ginny: Cats don't bark!

"**Well, you're expelling us, aren't you?" said Ron.**

Horace: I wish.

Everyone else: WOAH!

Horace: Sorry.

**Harry looked quickly at Dumbledore.**

"**Not today, Mr. Weasley," said Dumbledore. "But I must impress upon both of you the seriousness of what you have done. **

Horace: He chickened out.

**I will be writing to both your families tonight. **

Ron: HA! That was fine for Harry; the Dursleys probably just burned it. I, on the other hand, was not so lucky.

**I must also warn you that if you do anything like this again, I will have no choice but to expel you."**

Horace: Should have done that the first time.

**Snape looked as though Christmas had been cancelled. **

Ginny: I wouldn't imagine he was a big Christmas fan anyway.

Hermione: On the contrary.

Ginny: What would you know?

Hermione: Erm... I passed the staffroom during the Christmas party...

Minerva: Oh, was that the – oh...

Michael: Which one was it?

(Minerva whispers something in Michael's ear and he pales slightly as a repressed memory comes flooding back).

Michael: Oh...

Harry: What?

Hermione: Let's just say... Snape tried to be Elvis. It didn't go down well.

**He cleared his throat and said, "Professor Dumbledore, these boys have flouted the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry, **

Horace: This is how incompetent the Ministry was – they didn't even notice before your teachers did.

Neville: What are trying to say?

**caused serious damage to an old and valuable tree **

Minerva: Which I was under the impression would not be remaining there after a certain student had left but it seems I was sorely mistaken.

Michael: Dumbledore liked it too much and it would look weird if he just took it down as soon as Remus left.

Horace: Unleash the repressed bitterness, Minerva, you know you want to.

Minerva: I also want to hex you into next century, doesn't mean I will.

Neville: Why don't you?

Minerva: I can't be asked to find another Potions Master.

— **surely acts of this nature —"**

George: Are hilariously funny.

"**It will be for Professor McGonagall to decide on these boys' punishments, Severus," said Dumbledore calmly. "They are in her House and are therefore her responsibility." **

Harry and Ron: YAY!

**He turned to Professor McGonagall. "I must go back to the feast, Minerva, I've got to give out a few notices. Come, Severus, there's a delicious-looking custard tart I want to sample —"**

Michael: Him and his sweet tooth!

**Snape shot a look of pure venom at Harry and Ron as he allowed himself to be swept out of his office, leaving them alone with Professor McGonagall, who was still eyeing them like a wrathful eagle.**

Minerva: First a dog, then an eagle, what exactly is this woman trying to say?

Horace: Well I would assume –

Minerva: Shut up. Rhetorical questions need no answers.

"**You'd better get along to the hospital wing, Weasley, you're bleeding."**

George: You overreact when there's injury involved, don't you?

Minerva: I've seen too much blood spilt to be blasé about it.

George: There's a mood-dampener for you.

"**Not much," said Ron, hastily wiping the cut over his eye with his sleeve. "Professor, I wanted to watch my sister being Sorted —"**

Luna: If the dessert is out, the Sorting is over.

"**The Sorting Ceremony is over," said Professor McGonagall. "Your sister is also in Gryffindor."**

Hermione: No surprise there.

"**Oh, good," said Ron.**

"**And speaking of Gryffindor —" **

Ginny: Don't do it!

**Professor McGonagall said sharply, but Harry cut in: "Professor, when we took the car, term hadn't started, so — so Gryffindor shouldn't really have points taken from it — should it?" **

Michael: Sounds like something you would say, Min.

Horace: I can see that happening.

**he finished, watching her anxiously.**

**Professor McGonagall gave him a piercing look, but he was sure she had almost smiled. **

Minerva: That would be because I did. You had some nerve, Harry.

Harry:_ Had_?

**Her mouth looked less thin, anyway.**

"**I will not take any points from Gryffindor," she said, and Harry's heart lightened considerably. "But you will both get a detention." **

Harry: And it dropped once more.

**It was better than Harry had expected. As for Dumbledore's writing to the Dursleys, that was nothing. **

Ron: Lucky for some.

**Harry knew perfectly well they'd just be disappointed that the Whomping Willow hadn't squashed him flat.**

Hermione: That's just wrong.

**Professor McGonagall raised her wand again and pointed it at Snape's desk. **

George: And sent it into a blazing riot that continued until it was worn to nothing but ashes.

**A large plate of sandwiches, two silver goblets, and a jug of iced pumpkin juice appeared with a pop.**

Harry: And my stomach thought my throat had been slit.

Luna: What? That's grim.

Harry: It's a Muggle expression...

"**You will eat in here and then go straight up to your dormitory," **

Horace: Bossy.

**she said. "I must also return to the feast."**

Horace: So that she may glare at people.

**When the door had closed behind her, Ron let out a long, low whistle.**

George: Ew, Ron, she was your teacher!

Ron: Shut up, George.

"**I thought we'd had it," he said, grabbing a sandwich.**

"**So did I," said Harry, taking one, too.**

Hermione: There's stimulating conversation right there.

"**Can you believe our luck, though?" said Ron thickly through a mouthful of chicken and ham. "Fred and George must've flown that car five or six times and no Muggle ever saw them." **

Harry: What else could you expect from the guy who practically had a bullseye target painted on his forehead?

**He swallowed and took another huge bite. "Why couldn't we get through the barrier?"**

Ginny: If you knew that, you wouldn't have a problem.

**Harry shrugged. "We'll have to watch our step from now on, though," **

Hermione: Not going to happen.

Neville: Not even in your dreams.

**he said, taking a grateful swig of pumpkin juice. "Wish we could've gone up to the feast…"**

"**She didn't want us showing off," **

Minerva: That's kind of true.

**said Ron sagely. "Doesn't want people to think it's clever, arriving by flying car."**

Michael: To be honest, I doubt there are that many flying cars out there.

Minerva: And I knew exactly what would happen when you got back to Gryffindor Tower.

Luna: What was that?

Minerva: There would be some kind of celebration; that's what we'd have done in school, anyway. We're Gryffindors; we never turn down the opportunity for a good party.

**When they had eaten as many sandwiches as they could (the plate kept refilling itself) **

Minerva: Because I'm that amazing.

**they rose and left the office, treading the familiar path to Gryffindor Tower. The castle was quiet; it seemed that the feast was over. **

George: Nope, there had just been a mad axe-man waiting outside.

Minerva: Why does that sound familiar to me?

**They walked past muttering portraits and creaking suits of armour, and climbed narrow flights of stone stairs, until at last they reached the passage where the secret entrance to Gryffindor Tower was hidden, behind an oil painting of a very fat woman in a pink silk dress.**

Ginny: So polite.

George: Yes, such a gentleman.

Harry: How many times do I have to say that I didn't write this story?

George: Many.

"**Password?" she said as they approached.**

Harry: See? She's not exactly polite to us.

Hermione: Two wrongs do not make a right, Harry.

"**Er —" said Harry.**

**They didn't know the new year's password, not having met a Gryffindor prefect yet, but help came almost immediately; **

George: Superman!

Neville: Batman!

Harry: Spiderman!

George: Please, superman could take Spiderman down any day!

Harry: No way! Spiderman could crush Batman and superman to dust... or webs

George: -

Minerva: Everybody shut up! What is this, Muggle day?

**they heard hurrying feet behind them and turned to see Hermione dashing toward them.**

Neville: Hermione Wonder Woman!

"**There you are! Where have you been? The most ridiculous rumours — someone said you'd been expelled for crashing a flying car!"**

Ron: Well, we weren't expelled...

"**Well, we haven't been expelled," Harry assured her.**

"**You're not telling me you did fly here?" said Hermione, sounding almost as severe as Professor McGonagall.**

Minerva: Thank you so very much.

Horace: You brought it on yourself.

"**Skip the lecture," said Ron impatiently, "and tell us the new password."**

Hermione: Now do you see why I got annoyed at you for being impolite?

"**It's 'wattlebird,'" said Hermione impatiently, "but that's not the point —"**

Ginny: That was stupid. You should've waited to lecture them first.

**Her words were cut short, however, as the portrait of the fat lady swung open and there was a sudden storm of clapping. **

Michael: Ah, good old Gryffindor.

**It looked as though the whole of Gryffindor House was still awake, packed into the circular common room, standing on the lopsided tables and squashy armchairs, **

Hermione: That would be why they are lopsided and squishy.

**waiting for them to arrive. Arms reached through the portrait hole to pull Harry and Ron inside, leaving Hermione to scramble in after them.**

"**Brilliant!" **

Ron: I know.

**yelled Lee Jordan. "Inspired! **

Ron: I KNOW!

**What an entrance! Flying a car right into the Whomping Willow, people'll be talking about that one for years —"**

Minerva: They still are. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked about that story.

Horace: Yes, but mostly it's in an attempt to get you to forget about something bad someone's done.

Minerva: Never works though.

"**Good for you," said a fifth year Harry had never spoken to; **

Neville: Nice to see you taking the time to get to know your fellow students.

**someone was patting him on the back as though he'd just won a marathon; **

(Hermione hums the tune to Chariots of Fire).

**Fred and George pushed their way to the front of the crowd and said together, "Why couldn't we've come in the car, eh?"**

Neville: I have a feeling this story would have been veeeery different if you had.

**Ron was scarlet in the face, grinning embarrassedly, **

Ginny: Ooh, looks like she swallowed the dictionary for this part.

Luna: I don't think that's possible...

**but Harry could see one person who didn't look happy at all. **

George: Mouldywart?

Horace: Who?

George: Were you living under a rock or something? Mouldywart; the dude who repeatedly tried to kill Harry in cold-blood!

Horace: You mean Voldemort?

George: I think I know what I'm talking about!

**Percy **

Ginny: That's just as bad.

**was visible over the heads of some excited first years, and he seemed to be trying to get near enough to start telling them off. **

Ginny: Ooh, there's a shocker!

**Harry nudged Ron in the ribs and nodded in Percy's direction. Ron got the point at once.**

Harry: And that is what you call teamwork!

"**Got to get upstairs — bit tired," he said, and the two of them started pushing their way toward the door on the other side of the room, which led to a spiral staircase and the dormitories.**

Michael: You knew that avoiding him that night wouldn't stop him finding you another time, right?

Ron: Er... yeeees...

"'**Night," Harry called back to Hermione, who was wearing a scowl just like Percy's.**

George and Ginny: HA!

**They managed to get to the other side of the common room, still having their backs slapped, **

Harry: Luna, you have permission to say "ouch".

Luna: Why ever would I do that?

**and gained the peace of the staircase. They hurried up it, right to the top, and at last reached the door of their old dormitory, which now had a sign on it saying SECOND YEARS. **

George: WILL BE SLEEPING OUTSIDE!

Ron: Ha ha.

**They entered the familiar, circular room, with its five four-posters hung with red velvet and its high, narrow windows. Their trunks had been brought up for them and stood at the ends of their beds.**

Luna: That's nice though, isn't it?

**Ron grinned guiltily at Harry.**

Horace: Oh, I know that look well!

"**I know I shouldn't've enjoyed that or anything, but…"**

Ginny: But you inevitably did.

**The dormitory door flew open and in came the other second year Gryffindor boys, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, and Neville Longbottom.**

"**Unbelievable!" beamed Seamus.**

Ron: Well, I'm a pretty unbelievable guy.

Harry: Hem hem.

Ron (sighs): We are two pretty unbelievable guys.

"**Cool," said Dean.**

Ron: What can I say?

"**Amazing," said Neville, awestruck.**

Neville: It was.

**Harry couldn't help it. He grinned, too.**

Minerva: Somehow, I thought you'd see the funny side of it all.

Horace (to Minerva): So, are you condoning them STEALING a flying car to get to school?

Minerva: I am legally obliged to say no, no I am not condoning it.

Neville: What would you say if you weren't legally obliged?

Minerva: That I thought it was rather ingenious and, apart from the fact that they almost killed themselves, pretty damn funny.

Ron: MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!


	6. Lockhart Schmockhart

**Chapter Six - Gilderoy Lockhart**

Minerva: Urgh! Somebody get me a bucket!

(George closes his eyes and a large metal bucket appears before him. He pushes it towards Minerva).

Minerva: I didn't actually want one.

George: Why did you ask for it then?

Luna: He has a point.

**The next day, however, Harry barely grinned once. **

Michael: Detention?

Neville: Double Potions?

George: Molested by a giant chicken?

Harry: I'm not going to ask where that last one came from…

**Things started to go downhill from breakfast in the Great Hall. **

Michael: Poisoned pumpkin juice?

Neville: Snape poking fun?

George: Kicked by an aggravated hippogriff?

Harry: Again, will not ask…

**The four long house tables were laden with tureens of porridge, plates of kippers, mountains of toast, and dishes of eggs and bacon, beneath the enchanted ceiling **

Ron: That is a bad thing how?

Hermione: Ron, really!

Ron: Lunch time, methinks!

(Lunch – seemingly hundreds of plates of different foods – appears on the table and everybody grabs their favourite. When all are done, the reading continues!).

**(today, a dull, cloudy grey). **

Ron: What do you expect; it was Scotland?!

**Harry and Ron sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Hermione, who had her copy of Voyages with Vampires propped open against a milk jug. **

Minerva: You didn't?!

Michael (looking at Ron and Harry): Please tell me that one of you knocked the milk over.

Ron: Nope.

Michael (turning to George): Not even you?

George: What's the point? She would have just sorted it out again after.

Michael (to Minerva): Really, the children of today have such a sense of duty!

Harry: Excuse me… erm… not children anymore… in case you hadn't noticed.

**There was a slight stiffness in the way she said "Morning," which told Harry that she was still disapproving of the way they had arrived. **

Ginny: Even though it was _slightly_ awesome.

Ron: Slightly?

Ginny: Yes. It can't be _incredibly_ awesome because _I_ am incredibly awesome and nothing is as awesome as I am!

Michael (to Minerva): They're modest too!

**Neville Longbottom, on the other hand, greeted them cheerfully. **

Luna: Good old Neville!

Neville: OLD?!

**Neville was a round-faced and accident-prone boy with the worst memory of anyone Harry had ever met.**

Harry: I never said that!

"**Mail's due any minute — I think Gran's sending a few things I forgot."**

Neville: Actually, it ended up being around a suitcase-full.

Minerva: Don't forget, I need that report on my desk by next Tuesday.

Neville: You've told me that at least five times this week.

Minerva: Your head is like a sieve, Neville, as we have just discussed.

Luna: Well, we didn't discuss it, Harry said it…

Harry: I NEVER SAID IT!

**Harry had only just started his porridge when, sure enough, there was a rushing sound overhead and a hundred or so owls streamed in, circling the hall and dropping letters and packages into the chattering crowd. **

George: You know, I always wondered how Malfoy was never hit on the head by falling letters.

Horace: Why's that?

George: Well, his head is so impossibly big…

**A big, lumpy package bounced off Neville's head **

George: See? Neville's got a normal-sized face and he got hit!

**and, a second later, something large and grey fell into Hermione's jug, **

Ron: Kinky.

Michael: Hey, innuendo's my thing!

Horace: Yes, we don't want any more of that rubbish. We have to put up with him; that's torture enough.

(Minerva lays her head on Michael's shoulder)

Minerva: Aww! Is the little slug getting all bitter?

Horace: Since when did you start talking like a child?

Minerva (batting her eyelashes): Since when did you start getting all grumpy?

Horace: Argh! That's freaky; make it stop!

Michael: You asked for it.

(He leans in and kisses her softly).

Horace: Trust you!

**spraying them all with milk and feathers.**

"**Errol!" said Ron, pulling the bedraggled **

Luna: Bedraggled… I like that word. I'll have to start using it more often. "Morning, Harry. You're looking rather bedraggled today!" Yes… I _do_ like that word…

**owl out by the feet. Errol slumped, Unconscious, onto the table, his legs in the air and a damp red envelope in his beak.**

Hermione: Is this the -?

Ron: Yes. Yes, it is.

"**Oh, no —" Ron gasped.**

"**It's all right, he's still alive," **

George: Shame.

**said Hermione, prodding Errol gently with the tip of her finger.**

Ginny: Could have poked his eyes out and done us all a favour.

Neville: How would that have helped?

"**It's not that — it's that."**

George: ARGH! It's Voldie in a kaftan!

**Ron was pointing at the red envelope. It looked quite ordinary to Harry, but Ron and Neville were both looking at it as though they expected it to explode.**

Neville and Ron: We did.

"**What's the matter?" said Harry.**

Horace: Oh, so much to learn.

"**She's — she's sent me a Howler," said Ron faintly.**

Hermione: Talking of Howlers, Sluggy told me a rather amusing story about a Howler.

Horace: Will everybody stop calling me that?

Hermione: No.

Neville: What story was it?

Hermione: Perhaps you had better ask Minerva.

Minerva: YOU DIDN'T?!

Horace: I did!

Minerva: You pompous ass.

Horace: Not your best, Minnie, not your best.

Minerva: Meh, I'm tired.

"**You'd better open it, Ron," said Neville in a timid whisper. "It'll be worse if you don't. My gran sent me one once, and I ignored it and" — he gulped —"it was horrible."**

Neville: It was.

Hermione: That's what the story was about.

Harry: Now I want to know.

George: I second that notion.

Ginny: Me too.

Minerva: On my second day at Hogwarts my mother sent me a Howler which shouted at me for being a Gryffindor and for "besmirching centuries of Ravenclaw McKay's".

Ron: That's not very funny.

Minerva: Oh, that's not the funny part.

Luna: What is?

Minerva: I'm getting there!

Horace: Oh, please let me tell the rest!

Minerva: Go on then.

Horace: She levitated it up to the divination teacher's nose and somehow managed to stop it from burning up. Then she turned it into a fish and made it slap the divination teacher (I think it was Professor Thorn) around the face shouting "Divination is bull" in her mother's voice.

Michael: The next morning, each member of staff had their own Howler. Normal ones, though.

Minerva: That was really worth the week of detentions.

George (open-mouthed and staring): I love you.

Horace: That's a new low for you, Weasley.

Minerva: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell?

**Harry looked from their petrified faces to the red envelope.**

"**What's a Howler?" he said.**

Harry: I regretted asking.

**But Ron's whole attention was fixed on the letter, which had begun to smoke at the corners.**

Michael: Oh, you're for it.

"**Open it," Neville urged. "It'll all be over in a few minutes —"**

Luna: A few minutes? That's one long Howler you're listening to.

**Ron stretched out a shaking hand, eased the envelope from Errol's beak, and slit it open. **

George: Dun dun dun!

**Neville stuffed his fingers in his ears. **

Ginny: Good choice.

**A split second later, Harry knew why.**

Hermione: But you were a split second too late. Poor you.

**He thought for a moment it had exploded; a roar of sound filled the huge hall, shaking dust from the ceiling.**

Minerva: I must thank Molly for that; the house elves couldn't reach so Albus asked me to do it. Evidently I just could not be asked.

Horace: I told you she wasn't all strict must-get-work-done robotically frenzied teaching maniac.

Luna: I don't remember that.

"—**STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, **

Horace: It would have saved me the trouble.

Ron: That doesn't make any sense. You never expelled us.

**YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, **

Ginny: Ouch.

**I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE —"**

George: Actually, I can imagine Mum jumping for joy.

**Mrs. Weasley's yells, a hundred times louder than usual, **

Ginny: That has _got_ to hurt.

**made the plates and spoons rattle on the table, and echoed deafeningly off the stone walls. **

Harry: No, _that_ has got to hurt.

**People throughout the hall were swivelling around to see who had received the Howler, and Ron sank so low in his chair that only his crimson forehead could be seen.**

George: ARGH! It's a floating head!

"—**LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, **

George: Fred and I would have got that done first.

Ron: Evidently not.

**WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED —"**

Luna: She writes a lot about dying, doesn't she?

**Harry had been wondering when his name was going to crop up. **

Ginny: Oh, so modest.

Harry: What can I say? Your mum adores me. I don't blame her.

Ginny: Sluggy? Do you have today's Prophet?

Horace: I won't answer if you call me that.

Ginny: Never mind that, I'll get my own. (A new edition of the Daily Prophet appears on the table before Ginny).

Harry: What do you need that for?

Ginny: This! (She slaps the back of his head with the rolled-up paper).

Harry: OW!

Ginny: Stop being such a big-head.

Michael: Ah, young love.

**He tried very hard to look as though he couldn't hear the voice that was making his eardrums throb.**

George: Mum has that effect on people. It's a wonder I'm not completely deaf.

"—**ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED — YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, **

Ron: To be fair, he was probably heading that way anyhow.

Michael: Yeah but, lucky for you and your father, Kingsley and I called in some favours and got it all smoothed over eventually.

George: Yeah, cheers for that.

**IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT **

Harry: Well, I wouldn't say entirely…

**AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME."**

Horace: Wouldn't that be a shame…

**A ringing silence fell. **

Luna: What an oxymoron.

Neville: Hey, you're the oxymoron.

Luna: No, it's two words, which are opposite in meaning, put together.

Neville: Oh…

Hermione: Erm… role reversal!

**The red envelope, which had dropped from Ron's hand, burst into flames and curled into ashes. **

Minerva :You have to cast a freezing charm on it first.

**Harry and Ron sat stunned, as though a tidal wave had just passed over them. A few people laughed **

George (raising his hand): Guilty.

**and, gradually, a babble of talk broke out again.**

Harry: "A babble of talk"? What is up with this writer?

**Hermione closed Voyages with Vampires and looked down at the top of Ron's head.**

Michael: You don't have the right to look down on him after just reading _that_ book.

"**Well, I don't know what you expected, Ron, but you —"**

Hermione: Were a complete idiot.

"**Don't tell me I deserved it," snapped Ron.**

Hermione: You did.

Ron: I said don't tell me that!

**Harry pushed his porridge away. **

Horace: I don't blame you, that stuff is poisoned.

Minerva: I wondered where my supply of arsenic had gone. I always thought Severus had taken it.

Neville: Wow… um… awkward…

**His insides were burning with guilt. **

Luna: Sure it wasn't the porridge?

**Mr. Weasley was facing an inquiry at work. After all Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had done for him over the summer…**

Ginny, Ron and George: You're welcome.

**But he had no time to dwell on this; Professor McGonagall was moving along the Gryffindor table, handing out timetables. **

Neville: Urgh, that was the death of me every year; looking at the forecast of Potions four times a week with despair written all over my face.

George: Save the poetry for people who care, Longbottom.

**Harry took his and saw that they had double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs first.**

Neville: YAY!

(All look at Neville and shake their heads).

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the castle together, crossed the vegetable patch, and made for the greenhouses, where the magical plants were kept. **

Hermione: Because we'd spent the whole of our first year of Herbology lessons watering carrots and cabbages and rhododendrons.

**At least the Howler had done one good thing:**

Ginny: REALLY?

**Hermione seemed to think they had now been punished enough and was being perfectly friendly again.**

Ron: Fickle woman.

**As they neared the greenhouses they saw the rest of the class standing outside, waiting for Professor Sprout. **

Michael: I haven't seen that woman in _years_.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione had only just joined them when she came striding into view across the lawn, accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart. **

Minerva: Good luck with that, Pomona.

**Professor Sprout's arms were full of bandages, and with another twinge of guilt, Harry spotted the Whomping Willow in the distance, several of its branches now in slings.**

Horace (raising his glass): Thank Merlin for flying cars!

**Professor Sprout was a squat little witch who wore a patched hat over her flyaway hair; there was usually a large amount of earth on her clothes and her fingernails would have made Aunt Petunia faint. **

Harry: This is why I always thought it would be amazing to have all of you guys visit Privet Drive.

**Gilderoy Lockhart, however, was immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise, his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat with gold trimming.**

Minerva: Here we go again. This is where everything went _really _downhill; he started colour-coordinating his clothes with his hair.

"**Oh, hello there!" he called, beaming around at the assembled students. "Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! **

Neville: He wishes.

Minerva: Merlin, I wish he'd been hit over the head.

Ron: It might have cured him of his false sense of superiority.

**But I don't want you running away with the idea that I'm better at Herbology than she is! **

Neville: That's because you're not!

**I just happen to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels…"**

Ginny: Yes, his _imaginary_ travels through the space where his brain should be.

George: That's my little sister everybody!

"**Greenhouse three today, chaps!" said Professor Sprout, who was looking distinctly disgruntled, not at all her usual cheerful self.**

Michael: Lockhart has that effect on people.

**There was a murmur of interest. They had only ever worked in greenhouse one before — greenhouse three housed far more interesting and dangerous plants. **

Hermione: I wonder how we all knew that even though we'd never been in there before.

Ron: Maybe you read it in Hogwarts: A History.

Minerva (turning to Horace): Talking of books… how's that novel coming along? You remember, the one that was going to launch you into fame and out of this "hell-hole"? (Starts laughing uncontrollably, along with the rest of the room).

Horace: Mock me all you like. You won't be laughing when my literary skills become the most coveted in the wizarding world!

(Minerva just laughs even harder).

**Professor Sprout took a large key from her belt and unlocked the door. **

George: And a giant raven burst the out into the open.

**Harry caught a whiff of damp earth and fertilizer mingling with the heavy perfume of some giant, umbrella-sized flowers dangling from the ceiling. **

Neville: Aphariums.

Harry: You can tell what they are by that little description?

Neville: That's why I rock at Herbology.

**He was about to follow Ron and Hermione inside when Lockhart's hand shot out.**

Michael: Oh, you've been cornered.

"**Harry! I've been wanting a word — you don't mind if he's a couple of minutes late, do you, Professor Sprout?"**

Minerva: What the hell did he think he was playing at?

**Judging by Professor Sprout's scowl, she did mind, but Lockhart said, "That's the ticket," and closed the greenhouse door in her face.**

Minerva: Jackass.

"**Harry," said Lockhart, his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head. **

George: Freak.

"**Harry, Harry, Harry."**

Harry: Well done, Lockhart, you learned how to say my name. We're all very proud of you.

**Completely nonplussed, Harry said nothing.**

Hermione: Mistake.

"**When I heard — well, of course, it was all my fault. Could have kicked myself."**

Minerva: Wish you had.

**Harry had no idea what he was talking about. **

Minerva: Nobody ever does!

**He was about to say so when Lockhart went on, "Don't know when I've been more shocked. **

Minerva: How about the time I punched him in the nose and broke it? He was pretty shocked then.

Michael: That was hilarious.

George: I must agree.

Ron: You saw that?

George: Yeah. It was AWESOME!

Ron: Why didn't you tell me?

George: She made me swear not to. And, honestly, the woman had just broken Lockhart's nose, I wasn't going to mess with her.

**Flying a car to Hogwarts! **

George: WOO!

**Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it. Stood out a mile. **

Ron: Really? He knew the barrier had kept us out?

**Harry, Harry, Harry."**

Harry: Yeah, that got freaky after a while.

**It was remarkable how he could show every one of those brilliant teeth even when he wasn't talking.**

Ron: This Rowling woman has some sort of fascination with teeth.

"**Gave you a taste for publicity, didn't I?" **

Minerva: EUGH!

**said Lockhart. "Gave you the bug. **

George: Yes, but that was a completely different kind of bug. Had to give Harry the number of a discrete doctor.

Harry: Ginny, will you pass me the paper please?

Ginny: Of course.

(Harry hits George on the head with the Prophet).

George: Yeah… I probably deserved that.

**You got onto the front page of the paper with me and you couldn't wait to do it again."**

Harry: No… I - I don't think that was the reason…

"**Oh, no, Professor, see —"**

Horace: Not going to work.

"**Harry, Harry, Harry," said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder. **

Michael: To stop you from running away.

"**I understand. **

Harry: No, you really don't.

**Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste **

Michael: You get that with women, too.

Horace: And crystal meth.

Everybody else: WHAT?!

Horace: Joke!

— **and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head — **

Ginny: Whoa… let's slow down here. I mean, it's not like he was turning you onto drugs.

**but see here, young man, you can't start flying cars to try and get yourself noticed. **

Luna: It worked though, didn't it?

**Just calm down, all right? **

Ginny: Pfft!

**Plenty of time for all that when you're older. **

Michael: Yeah… because every man dreams of flying a Ford Anglia cross-country.

**Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! 'It's all right for him, he's an internationally famous wizard already!' **

Harry: Not what I was thinking at all. This guy should really have practised his Legilimency more often.

**But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. **

Ron: WHAT? This guy is nuts.

Minerva: You've just realised.

**In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! **

Michael: Definitely true. He was in my year at school. Yeah, he was a bit of a loser.

Harry: Really?

Minerva: Yes: daddy issues made him a socially incontinent moron.

Horace: And he was a Ravenclaw.

Everyone else: WHOA!

Horace: Sorry.

Ron: I suppose that explains some of the things he… (Starts laughing) Sorry, couldn't do it with a straight face.

**I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they? **

Ginny: Just a few.

**All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" He glanced at the lightning scar on Harry's forehead. **

Harry: I wish people would stop doing that.

"**I know, I know — it's not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award five times in a row, **

Hermione: Really? Are - are you sure?

**as I have — but it's a start, Harry, it's a start."**

George: Idiot.

**He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off. **

Minerva: He makes me sick.

**Harry stood stunned for a few seconds, **

Michael: Anyone who talks to that guy has to give himself a few minutes to recover.

**then, remembering he was supposed to be in the greenhouse, he opened the door and slid inside.**

George: That's what she said!

Michael: What did I already say about innuendo?

**Professor Sprout was standing behind a trestle bench in the centre of the greenhouse. About twenty pairs of different-coloured ear muffs were lying on the bench. **

Neville: Which are the cause of many an argument for my classes.

**When Harry had taken his place between Ron and Hermione, she said, "We'll be repotting Mandrakes today. Now, who can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?"**

Ginny: Let's take a wild guess.

**To nobody's surprise, Hermione's hand was first into the air.**

Harry: Nobody saw that coming…

"**Mandrake, or Mandragora, is a powerful restorative," said Hermione, sounding as usual as though she had swallowed the textbook.**

George: And did you?

Hermione: What do you think?

George: That you must have a really big mouth.

Ron: Well she must have one to be able to – (Hermione glares at him) wait, I'd better not say that!

"**It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their original state."**

George: Wow, that lesson was such a coincidence.

Luna: What do you mean?

George: Well, considering the events of that year…

"**Excellent. Ten points to Gryffindor," said Professor Sprout. "The Mandrake forms an essential part of most antidotes. It is also, however, dangerous. Who can tell me why?"**

Neville: Of course they can.

**Hermione's hand narrowly missed Harry's glasses as it shot up again.**

"**The cry of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it," she said promptly.**

Harry: Much like that of Draco Malfoy.

"**Precisely. Take another ten points," **

Minerva: Thanks for that. Severus' face that evening was priceless; he was pacing around for ages trying to figure out where we'd got all the points from.

**said Professor Sprout. "Now, the Mandrakes we have here are still very young."**

Neville: Have you ever tried getting your hands on mature ones?

Luna: No… I can't say that I have.

Neville: It was supposed to be a figure of speech, Luna.

**She pointed to a row of deep trays as she spoke, and everyone shuffled forward for a better look. **

Neville: I tried that last year.

Luna: What happened?

Minerva: Just put it this way, even Poppy had a tough time getting it back to normal.

**A hundred or so tufty little plants, purplish green in colour, were growing there in rows. They looked quite unremarkable to Harry, **

Ginny: Do NOT underestimate them.

**who didn't have the slightest idea what Hermione meant by the "cry" of the Mandrake.**

Hermione: I mean what I say.

Minerva: And I say what I mean.

Horace: Which is what makes you so incredibly tactless.

Minerva: Aw, thanks.

"**Everyone take a pair of earmuffs," said Professor Sprout.**

**There was a scramble as everyone tried to seize a pair that wasn't pink and fluffy.**

Neville: Those pink ones are the bane of the greenhouses.

Horace: Why didn't you just ask one of us to change the colours for you. I'm sure Minerva would do it, especially since she decided that all things pink should be incinerated.

"**When I tell you to put them on, make sure your ears are completely covered," **

George: Well it's not like you'd try putting them on your nose.

(Ron shifts guiltily in his seat).

**said Professor Sprout. "When it is safe to remove them, I will give you the thumbs-up. Right — earmuffs on."**

Luna: How are they all going to know when to look for the thumbs-up?

Neville: We just… did…

**Harry snapped the earmuffs over his ears. They shut out sound completely. **

Hermione: That's the idea.

**Professor Sprout put the pink, fluffy pair over her own ears, **

Ginny: A braver woman than I.

**rolled up the sleeves of her robes, grasped one of the tufty plants firmly, and pulled hard.**

George: I -

Michael: Don't!

**Harry let out a gasp of surprise that no one could hear.**

Harry: Malfoy would have had a field day.

Ron: He wasn't even in that class.

Harry: Really?

Ron: Not unless he transferred to Hufflepuff for one lesson.

**Instead of roots, a small, muddy, and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth. **

Neville: They're not really babies.

**The leaves were growing right out of his head. He had pale green, mottled skin, and was clearly bawling at the top of his lungs.**

Hermione: How do you know it was a he?

**Professor Sprout took a large plant pot from under the table and plunged the Mandrake into it, burying him in dark, damp compost until only the tufted leaves were visible. **

Neville: I always found it weird how they didn't suffocate.

Luna: They work in the same way earthworms do…

Hermione: Seriously?

Luna: …And Snorkwarfles.

Hermione: Oh, she's back to normal.

**Professor Sprout dusted off her hands, gave them all the thumbs-up, and removed her own earmuffs.**

"**As our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries won't kill yet," **

Harry: That was reassuring.

**she said calmly as though she'd just done nothing more exciting than water a begonia. **

Ron: Anyone else find it freaky how she always did that?

"**However, they will knock you out for several hours, **

Harry: Once again, _reassuring_.

**and as I'm sure none of you want to miss your first day back, **

Horace: Just a _little_ optimistic, there.

**make sure your earmuffs are securely in place while you work. I will attract your attention when it is time to pack up.**

Luna: How?

Neville: Don't question the methods.

"**Four to a tray — there is a large supply of pots here — compost in the sacks over there — and be careful of the Venemous Tentacula, it's teething."**

Neville (shuddering): Yuk! Awful thing.

**She gave a sharp slap to a spiky, dark red plant as she spoke, making it draw in the long feelers that had been inching sneakily over her shoulder.**

Michael: Eyes in the back of her head, that woman.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione were joined at their tray by a curly-haired Hufflepuff boy Harry knew by sight but had never spoken to.**

Ginny and Hermione: That was nice of you.

Ron: Hermione, really? You have to stop saying the same stuff as everyone else at the same time they say it!

Hermione: Do you realise how stupid you sound?

Ginny: Took the words right out of my mouth.

Luna: You shouldn't steal, Hermione, it's wrong.

"**Justin Finch-Fletchley," **

George: Now I see why you hadn't spoken to him before.

**he said brightly, shaking Harry by the hand. "Know who you are, of course, the famous Harry Potter… **

Ginny: Not according to Lockhart.

**And you're Hermione Granger — always top in everything" **

Hermione: Why, yes I am!

**(Hermione beamed as she had her hand shaken too) **

Ron: Flattery will get you everywhere, it seems.

Hermione: Maybe you should have taken notice of him, Ron.

Ginny: She went there!

"— **and Ron Weasley. Wasn't that your flying car?"**

Ron: No, it was my dad's. Proves how much you know.

**Ron didn't smile. The Howler was obviously still on his mind.**

Ron: Nah, I just hated Justin.

Luna: Why?

Ron: You can't say his surname and still make it sound intimidating.

"**That Lockhart's something, isn't he?" **

Minerva: Not the Hufflepuffs too?

**said Justin happily as they began filling their plant pots with dragon dung compost. **

Ginny: You work with that all day?

Neville: No comment.

"**Awfully brave chap. **

Michael: No he wasn't.

**Have you read his books? **

Michael: No I haven't.

**I'd have died of fear if I'd been cornered in a telephone booth by a werewolf, **

Michael: No you wouldn't.

**but he stayed cool and — zap — just fantastic.**

Michael: No he didn't.

Horace: Shut up.

"**My name was down for Eton, you know. **

Luna: Eton?

Hermione: High-end Muggle school.

**I can't tell you how glad I am I came here instead. **

Minerva: Of course!

**Of course, Mother was slightly disappointed, but since I made her read Lockhart's books I think she's begun to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family…"**

Horace: I don't think he turned out anything like Lockhart.

Ginny: Thank Merlin.

**After that they didn't have much chance to talk. **

Ron: I repeat, thank Merlin.

**Their earmuffs were back on and they needed to concentrate on the Mandrakes. **

Harry: You know, I think I might start liking those Mandrakes.

**Professor Sprout had made it look extremely easy, but it wasn't. **

Neville: Anything but!

**The Mandrakes didn't like coming out of the earth, but didn't seem to want to go back into it either. They squirmed, kicked, flailed their sharp little fists, and gnashed their teeth; **

Ginny: Again with the teeth?

**Harry spent ten whole minutes trying to squash a particularly fat one into a pot.**

Luna: Maybe if you were nicer to it, it might have gone into the pot a little easier.

**By the end of the class, Harry, like everyone else, was sweaty, aching, and covered in earth. **

Michael: Huh… sounds like last Thursday.

Minerva: Michael!

Horace: Ewww…

**Everyone traipsed back to the castle for a quick wash and then the Gryffindors hurried off to Transfiguration.**

Minerva: Which they all loved above all other lessons.

Harry (rubbing his neck): Ye-eah…

**Professor McGonagall's classes were always hard work, **

Michael: you're telling me!

**but today was especially difficult. **

Neville: More than usual? Oh, man…

**Everything Harry had learned last year seemed to have leaked out of his head during the summer. **

Harry: No change there, then.

**He was supposed to be turning a beetle into a button, but all he managed to do was give his beetle a lot of exercise as it scuttled over the desktop avoiding his wand.**

Luna: So you did a nice thing for that beetle, Harry.

Harry: Thanks, Luna.

**Ron was having far worse problems. **

Ron: When wasn't I?

**He had patched up his wand with some borrowed Spellotape, **

Hermione: Wow, we really do have a magical version of everything.

**but it seemed to be damaged beyond repair. It kept crackling and sparking at odd moments,**

George: Not going to pick up on this opportunity, Michael?

Michael: No… but that doesn't mean you can.

**and every time Ron tried to transfigure his beetle it engulfed him in thick grey smoke that smelled of rotten eggs. **

Hermione: Nice.

**Unable to see what he was doing, Ron accidentally squashed his beetle with his elbow and had to ask for a new one. Professor McGonagall wasn't pleased.**

Horace: Is she ever?

Michael: Oh, I would say so.

**Harry was relieved to hear the lunch bell. **

Harry: Again: no change there.

**His brain felt like a wrung sponge. **

Harry: Same as above.

**Everyone filed out of the classroom except him and Ron, who was whacking his wand furiously on the desk.**

Ginny: That won't help.

Ron: I know that _now_!

"**Stupid — useless — thing —"**

George: That's what she said.

(Michael glares at him).

George: Sorry.

"**Write home for another one," Harry suggested as the wand let off a volley of bangs like a firework.**

Ginny: Not a good idea.

"**Oh, yeah, and get another Howler back," said Ron, stuffing the now hissing wand into his bag.**

Horace: Smart man.

"'**It's your own fault your wand got snapped — '"**

Harry: That was a pretty good imitation.

**They went down to lunch, where Ron's mood was not improved by Hermione's showing them the handful of perfect coat buttons she had produced in Transfiguration.**

Luna: Well done.

Hermione: Thank you. I still have those somewhere.

"**What've we got this afternoon?" said Harry, hastily changing the subject.**

Ron: Good call.

"**Defence Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once.**

George: Ha ha ha ha ha!

"**Why," demanded Ron, seizing her schedule, "have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?"**

Minerva (looking disgusted): WHAT?!

**Hermione snatched the schedule back, blushing furiously.**

Hermione: I was just a kid!

**They finished lunch and went outside into the overcast courtyard. **

Ron: Again, it's Scotland. What do you expect?

**Hermione sat down on a stone step and buried her nose in Voyages with Vampires again. **

George: _Again_?

**Harry and Ron stood talking about Quidditch for several minutes before Harry became aware that he was being closely watched. **

Neville: By who?

George: Snape.

Neville: You know, we've not heard an awful lot about him this chapter.

**Looking up, he saw the very small, mousey-haired boy he'd seen trying on the Sorting Hat last night staring at Harry as though transfixed.**

Ginny: Harry got a stalker!

**He was clutching what looked like an ordinary Muggle camera, and the moment Harry looked at him, he went bright red.**

George: He was waiting for you to get changed.

"**All right, Harry? I'm — I'm Colin Creevey," **

George: Oh! Makes sense.

**he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor, too. D'you think — would it be all right if — can I have a picture?" he said, raising the camera hopefully.**

Harry: See? No encouragement at all.

"**A picture?" Harry repeated blankly.**

George: You know, the things which the magical camera boxes capture. They move here but not in the Muggle world.

"**So I can prove I've met you," **

Hermione: The Hogwarts records would probably show that.

**said Colin Creevey eagerly, edging further forward. "I know all about you. Everyone's told me. About how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you **

Harry: Thanks for reminding me.

**and how he disappeared and everything and how you've still got a lightning scar on your forehead" **

Ginny: Yes he does… what of it?

**(his eyes raked Harry's hairline) **

Harry: STOP IT!

"**and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures'll move."**

Luna: I don't think he'd seen the portraits at this point.

**Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement and said, "It's amazing here, isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. **

Ginny: Muggle-borns rarely do.

**My dad's a milkman, **

Hermione: Good for you.

**he couldn't believe it either. So I'm taking loads of pictures to send home to him. And it'd be really good if I had one of you" **

Ginny: But your dad won't know who he is.

— **he looked imploringly at Harry — "maybe your friend could take it and I could stand next to you? And then, could you sign it?"**

Michael: Whoa, he's not Lockhart.

"**Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?"**

Harry: No.

**Loud and scathing, Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the courtyard. **

George and Neville: BOO!

**He had stopped right behind Colin, flanked, as he always was at Hogwarts, by his large and thuggish cronies, Crabbe and Goyle.**

Ginny: And that's because he was a coward.

"**Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. "Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"**

Minerva: Funny he never said that when there were any teachers around, isn't it?

"**No, I'm not," said Harry angrily, his fists clenching. "Shut up, Malfoy."**

Hermione: Not going to happen.

"**You're just jealous," piped up Colin, whose entire body was about as thick as Crabbe's neck.**

Ginny: Not a good start.

"**Jealous?" said Malfoy, who didn't need to shout anymore: half the courtyard was listening in. **

Ron: What do you expect? It's Hogwarts!

"**Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special, myself."**

Hermione: No, but vanquishing a Dark wizard, who had been on an unrelenting reign of terror, kind of does.

**Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering stupidly.**

Ginny: As usual.

George: Probably didn't understand what they were saying.

"**Eat slugs, Malfoy," said Ron angrily. Crabbe stopped laughing and started rubbing his knuckles in a menacing way.**

Harry: Not really that intimidating.

"**Be careful, Weasley," sneered Malfoy. "You don't want to start any trouble or your Mummy will have to come and take you away from school." **

Ron: Idiot.

**He put on a shrill, piercing voice. "'If you put another toe out of line'—"**

George: Yep, sounds like Mum.

**A knot of Slytherin fifth-years nearby laughed loudly at this.**

Ginny: Idiots.

"**Weasley would like a signed photo, Potter," smirked Malfoy. "It'd be worth more than his family's whole house —"**

Everybody: Harsh!

**Ron whipped out his Spellotaped wand, but Hermione shut Voyages with Vampires with a snap and whispered, "Look out!"**

Ginny: Whispering probably didn't have all that much of an impact.

"**What's all this, what's all this?" Gilderoy Lockhart was striding toward them, his turquoise robes swirling behind him. "Who's giving out signed photos?"**

Horace: You are.

**Harry started to speak but he was cut short as Lockhart flung an arm around his shoulders and thundered jovially, "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!"**

Harry: Unfortunately.

**Pinned to Lockhart's side and burning with humiliation, Harry saw Malfoy slide, smirking, back into the crowd.**

Ginny: He always did that.

Luna: Like a snake.

"**Come on then, Mr. Creevey," said Lockhart, beaming at Colin. "A double portrait, can't do better than that, and we'll both sign it for you."**

Hermione: You can do better than that… you can take Lockhart out of the picture and everybody would be happy.

**Colin fumbled for his camera and took the picture as the bell rang behind them, signalling the start of afternoon classes.**

Ginny: Saved by the bell.

Harry: Nope, we had Defence Against the Dark Arts next.

"**Off you go, move along there," Lockhart called to the crowd, and he set off back to the castle with Harry, who was wishing he knew a good Vanishing Spell, still clasped to his side.**

Hermione: You should have asked me.

Harry: I didn't know beforehand that he was going to glue me to his side.

George: Yeah, Hermione! He's not Trelawney!

"**A word to the wise, Harry," said Lockhart paternally **

Michael: Pfft, he couldn't be paternal if he tried.

**as they entered the building through a side door. "I covered up for you back there with young Creevey **

Ron: I think somebody's already called him this but… freak.

— **if he was photographing me, too, your schoolmates won't think you're setting yourself up so much…"**

Harry: I wasn't.

**Deaf to Harry's stammers, Lockhart swept him down a corridor lined with staring students and up a staircase.**

Harry: Embarrassment. Humiliation.

"**Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible — looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. **

Minerva: You would know all about that, wouldn't you?

**There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go, but" **

Michael: He was lying.

— **he gave a little chortle — **

Horace: Weirdo.

"**I don't think you're quite there yet."**

Minerva: Someone bring Poppy here. (To Luna) NOT LITERALLY!

**They had reached Lockhart's classroom and he let Harry go at last. Harry yanked his robes straight and headed for a seat at the very back of the class, where he busied himself with piling all seven of Lockhart's books in front of him, so that he could avoid looking at the real thing.**

Neville: Good idea.

**The rest of the class came clattering in, and Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of Harry.**

Harry: Thank you.

"**You could've fried an egg on your face" said Ron. **

Hermione: What about when you got the Howler?

"**You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club."**

Ginny: Waaaay ahead of you…

"**Shut up," snapped Harry. The last thing he needed was for Lockhart to hear the phrase "Harry Potter fan club".**

Minerva: He was starting one anyway.

**When the whole class was seated, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and silence fell. He reached forward, picked up Neville Longbottom's copy of Travels with Trolls, and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front.**

George: Argh, twice as bad!

"**Me," **

George (very slowly): We… knooooooow…

**he said, pointing at it and winking as well. **

Ron: Me caveman Lockhart, you little magic children.

"**Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award **

Horace: Nothing to be proud of… a frog even won that once.

**but I don't talk about that. **

(Everyone ends up crying with laughter).

**I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"**

Minerva: You didn't get rid of it at all.

**He waited for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly.**

Hermione: Shame on them.

Ron: You were one of those people, Hermione.

"**I see you've all bought a complete set of my books — well done. **

George: We had no choice…

Neville: Believe me, nobody would have bought them off their own backs.

**I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. **

Ron: URGH!

**Nothing to worry about — just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in —"**

Harry: Absolutely nothing at all.

Minerva: Good for you.

**When he had handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, "You have thirty minutes — start —now!"**

Ginny: It won't take thirty minutes just answer everything with Gobbledegook and he'll think it's English.

Luna: But what if you don't speak Gobbledegook?

**Harry looked down at his paper and read:**

**1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour?**

George: Well, I do know that the table will be vomit coloured if this carries on.

**2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?**

Minerva: To become less camp than a male fairy?

Luna: Careful, you may insult them if you continue.

**3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?**

Minerva: Oh! Definitely being able to fit his head through the doorways.

**On and on it went, over three sides of paper, right down to:**

**54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?**

George: A potion to make him an actual man.

Minerva: Couldn't of said it better myself.

**Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the papers and rifled through them in front of the class.**

"**Tut, tut — hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac. **

George: I rest my case.

**I say so in Year with the Yeti. **

Michael: I wish I could actually _make_ him spend a year with a yeti for real.

**And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully — I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples **

Minerva: The divas always say that!

Horace: Did you just call him a diva?

Minerva: I honestly don't know.

— **though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky!"**

Horace: Who would?

Minerva: I don't know, but you should!

**He gave them another roguish wink. **

Ginny: A roguish wink? What is this, the 1930s?

**Ron was now staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on his face; **

Ron: No, that was a natural thing every time I saw a bigheaded idiot.

**Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were sitting in front, were shaking with silent laughter. **

Hermione: They always did remind me of Lavender and Parvati.

**Hermione, on the other hand, was listening to Lockhart with rapt attention and gave a start when he mentioned her name.**

(Ron tuts and shakes his head).

"… **but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions **

George: Careful, Snape would have tough competition.

— **good girl! **

Hermione: I am not a dog.

**In fact" — he flipped her paper over — "full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"**

Hermione: Dying of embarrassment.

**Hermione raised a trembling hand.**

"**Excellent!" beamed Lockhart. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so — to business —"**

Minerva: I specifically told him _not_ to try pedalling his books in school.

**He bent down behind his desk **

George: And pulled out a baby meerkat.

**and lifted a large, covered cage onto it.**

George: In which there was a baby meerkat.

Michael: What is it with you and baby meerkats?

George: I saw the Muggle 'Compare the Market' advert recently.

Hermione: Ah… makes sense.

"**Now — be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! **

Minerva: And yet he was still in the room…

**You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. **

Harry: Not quite.

**Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. **

Ron: we're screwed.

**All I ask is that you remain calm."**

Neville: I don't think we'll have a problem with that.

**In spite of himself, Harry leaned around his pile of books for a better look at the cage. **

George: Tut tut. Curiosity killed the cat, Harry.

Minerva: I resent that.

Horace: If only somebody had told me that years ago.

**Lockhart placed a hand on the cover. Dean and Seamus had stopped laughing now. Neville was cowering in his front row seat.**

Neville: That was an urban myth!

Ron: Riiiiight…

"**I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. "It might provoke them."**

Luna: Don't worry, we won't. Promise.

Neville: Luna, I don't think he was talking to us…

**As the whole class held its breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover.**

"**Yes," he said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies."**

(Minerva bursts out laughing).

Harry: What? I don't get the joke.

Minerva (between laughs): It's just that… last summer… it's…

Michael: Last summer?

Minerva (still laughing): In Cornwall… with the…

Michael: Oh… oh yeah! (He starts laughing as well).

Horace: You understood that?

Michael: We've been married for years.

Horace: Touché.

**Seamus Finnigan couldn't control himself. He let out a snort of laughter that even Lockhart couldn't mistake for a scream of terror.**

Ginny: But - no doubt - he'd give it a go!

"**Yes?" He smiled at Seamus.**

"**Well, they're not — they're not very —dangerous, are they?" Seamus choked.**

Horace: Not unless you count being incredibly hyper.

"**Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart, waggling a finger annoyingly at Seamus. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"**

Hermione: Yes, but tricky is completely different to dangerous.

George: Not in his world, Hermione. Not in his world.

**The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to **

Harry: Aunt Petunia.

**a lot of budgies arguing. **

Harry: Close enough.

**The moment the cover had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.**

Ginny: Malfoy in disguise!

"**Right, then," Lockhart said loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he opened the cage.**

Michael: BIG mistake.

**It was pandemonium. **

Horace: Hogwarts usually is.

**The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. **

Harry: Little blue, screeching, cackling rockets…

**Two of them seized Neville by the ears and lifted him into the air. **

Neville (massaging his ears): Ouch.

**Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass. **

Minerva: Oh… _that's_ why the window was broken.

**The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino. **

Minerva: Already tried that one… it didn't work.

Ginny: You brought a rhino into school?

Minerva: No, I turned a table into a rhino.

Michael: That is why you should never anger a Transfiguration teacher.

Horace: Even though it's a dorky subject, they will injure you badly.

Minerva: Just because you failed it, Horace, does not make it dorky.

Horace: Aw, I forgot you could still see our records.

**They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the waste basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out of the smashed window; **

George: Sounds like Fred and I.

**within minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks and Neville was swinging from the iron chandelier in the ceiling.**

George: Yep, definitely something we'd do.

"**Come on now — round them up, round them up, they're only pixies," **

Ron: Easy for you to say fathead!

George: Fathead?

Ginny: That's all you could think of? I mean, there are just so many possibilities with that guy and you came up with fathead? Shame on you.

**Lockhart shouted.**

**He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"**

Luna: Oh, that'll get rid of them.

(Everyone looks at her with their eyebrows raised).

**It had absolutely no effect; **

Luna: I can't believe that didn't work!

**one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window, too. Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, **

George: And hit his head on its wooden surface, knocking him out cold.

**narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.**

Minerva: Damn, Neville! You couldn't have made it fall earlier?

**The bell rang and there was a mad rush towards the door. **

Ginny: Like any other class.

**In the relative calm that followed, Lockhart straightened up, caught sight of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were almost at the door, **

Ron: RUN!

**and said, "Well, I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage." **

Minerva: Lazy ass.

**He swept past them and shut the door quickly behind him.**

George: Coward.

"**Can you believe him?" roared Ron as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.**

Harry: Yes, yes I can.

"**He just wants to give us some hands-on experience," said Hermione, **

Minerva: No, Hermione, he just wanted to get to the staff room to annoy us even further.

**immobilizing two pixies at once with a clever Freezing Charm and stuffing them back into their cage.**

Hermione: That's why you should read your textbooks _before_ the start of term.

"**Hands on?" said Harry, who was trying to grab a pixie dancing out of reach with its tongue out. "Hermione, he didn't have a clue what he was doing —"**

Hermione: You were right…

Ron: FINALLY! I've waited years for you to say that!

"**Rubbish," said Hermione. "You've read his books — look at all those amazing things he's done —"**

Luna: Books don't always tell the truth… I mean, look at this one.

"**He says he's done," Ron muttered.**

Michael: You had him completely figured out, didn't you?

Ron: I like to think so.


	7. Oh No He Didn't!

George: My chapter!

**Chapter Seven - Mudbloods and Murmurs**

George: On second thoughts…

Horace: Too late, you claimed it.

**Harry spent a lot of time over the next few days dodging out of sight whenever he saw Gilderoy Lockhart coming down a corridor. **

Michael: Good for you.

Minerva: It can't last for long, the man is like a plague.

**Harder to avoid was Colin Creevey, who seemed to have memorised Harry's schedule. **

Hermione: Did you not find that creepy?

Harry: Listen on and you'll find out.

Hermione: Alright! Don't get your wand in a knot!

Neville: Does anybody else find it weird that we have all of these wizarding analogies to Muggle phrases?

(A note appears on the table).

Luna (reading the note): Please do not go into this matter or we may have to harm you. Thanks muchly, PEOPLE.

Ginny: Well, that was… odd…

Horace: And that's saying something… especially with the room of people you're sitting with.

**Nothing seemed to give Colin a bigger thrill than to say, "All right, Harry?" **

Ron: In that squeaky little voice.

**six or seven times a day **

Ron: Ah, that was annoying.

Harry: You're telling _me_?

**and hear, "Hello, Colin," back, however exasperated Harry sounded when he said it.**

Ginny: Nice, Harry.

Harry: You try having a first year clinging to your every word!

**Hedwig was still angry with Harry about the disastrous car journey **

Minerva: I don't blame her; poor thing.

**and Ron's wand was still malfunctioning, **

Michael: Poor Hermione.

Hermione: That's just wrong…

**surpassing itself on Friday morning by shooting out of Ron's hand in Charms and hitting tiny old Professor Flitwick squarely between the eyes, **

George: And knocking him off his tottering pile of books. When he finally emerged from behind his desk, it was evident that the tiny Professor had become a seven foot high super-giant with the head of an anteater.

Neville: Yeah… that's twisted.

**creating a large, throbbing green boil where it had struck. **

Luna: You'll have to teach me that spell.

Ron: I would if I had actually _used_ a spell!

**So with one thing and another, Harry was quite glad to reach the weekend. **

Harry: Actually, I felt that way every weekend.

Horace and Minerva: Charming!

**He, Ron, and Hermione were planning to visit Hagrid on Saturday morning. **

Ron: Good. We haven't seen Hagrid so far in this book, have we?

Hermione: Ron… actually don't worry about it. It'll take too much effort.

**Harry, however, was shaken awake several hours earlier than he would have liked by Oliver Wood, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.**

Ginny: He really was too enthusiastic.

(Neville whispers something to Luna).

Minerva: You can't be too enthusiastic about Quidditch.

Neville: YES! Luna, you owe me a Galleon!

Minerva: Stop betting on my predictability.

Horace: You do it to the students.

Minerva: Touché…

"**Whassamatter?" said Harry groggily.**

Ginny: That's what he usually sounds like.

"**Quidditch practice!" said Wood. "Come on!"**

Michael: Sounds like something I would do.

**Harry squinted at the window. There was a thin mist hanging across the pink-and-gold sky. **

Luna: The perfect climate for kelpies to show their faces.

George: Riiiight…

Hermione: Actually, she _is_ right -

George: Honestly, I really don't care.

**Now that he was awake, he couldn't understand how he could have slept through the racket the birds were making.**

Ron: But now he's had kids, he knows exactly why.

Harry: God, I was tired.

"**Oliver," Harry croaked. "It's the crack of dawn."**

George: Maybe dawn should pull up his trousers.

Horace: What?

George: If they can see his crack, dawn should pull up his trousers… or buy a belt…

(Horace still doesn't get it).

George: Forget it.

"**Exactly," said Wood. He was a tall and burly sixth year and, at the moment, his eyes were gleaming with a crazed enthusiasm. **

Hermione: He had just better not become a murder suspect; they'll convict him on the craziness in his eyes.

Ron: How do you know this?

Hermione: I work in Magical Law Enforcement - I know these things.

**"It's part of our new training program. Come on, grab your broom, and let's go," **

Harry: At a decent time of day, I would have been glad of that invitation.

**said Wood heartily. "None of the other teams have started training yet; we're going to be first off the mark this year —"**

Minerva: 'Atta boy.

**Yawning and shivering slightly, Harry climbed out of bed and tried to find his Quidditch robes.**

Ron: Which I had hidden because I am an evil genius!

Hermione: Nobody believes you, Ron.

Ron: At least you stopped calling me Ronald!

"**Good man," said Wood. "Meet you on the field in fifteen minutes."**

George: Ah, I miss those early morning Quidditch calls.

**When he'd found his scarlet team robes and pulled on his cloak for warmth, Harry scribbled a note to Ron explaining where he'd gone **

Ginny: It's no use, he won't be able to read it.

Ron: Hey!

**and went down the spiral staircase to the common room, his Nimbus Two Thousand on his shoulder. **

Harry: That _was_ a great broom.

**He had just reached the portrait hole when there was a clatter behind him and **

George: A rabid dog lunged for his ankle, sending him flying towards the wall. Thankfully, he landed in one of the squashy armchairs and… well… he went to Quidditch I suppose.

**Colin Creevey came dashing down the spiral staircase, **

George: Well, I wasn't far off.

**his camera swinging madly around his neck and something clutched in his hand.**

"**I heard someone saying your name on the stairs, Harry! Look what I've got here! I've had it developed, I wanted to show you —"**

George: Harry looked down in dismay and saw a shockingly revealing picture -

Horace: That's ENOUGH!

George (looking over to Minerva): So, you're letting him be the authority now?

Minerva: No, I just thought I'd stroke his ego for a bit.

Michael: She strokes mine every night!

Minerva: Michael!

George: I'm quite disturbed now.

**Harry looked bemusedly at the photograph Colin was brandishing under his nose.**

**A moving, black-and-white Lockhart was tugging hard on an arm Harry recognized as his own. **

Hermione: You can recognise yourself by your arm?

George: Would you be prepared to pick it out from a line up?

Harry: What?

George: Never mind…

Ginny: Who let George watch CSI?

**He was pleased to see that his photographic self was putting up a good fight and refusing to be dragged into view. **

Harry (hand on heart): He was a brave fellow, a good photograph, and he deserves to be remembered for that.

**As Harry watched, Lockhart gave up and slumped, panting, against the white edge of the picture.**

Minerva: Sort of like how he was after I hit him.

"**Will you sign it?" said Colin eagerly.**

All: NO!

"**No," said Harry flatly, glancing around to check that the room was really deserted. "Sorry, Colin, I'm in a hurry — Quidditch practice —"**

Luna: That's what they all say.

**He climbed through the portrait hole.**

Michael: That -

Hermione: Stop right there! This is an innuendo-free zone.

Michael: Yes, ma'am.

"**Oh, wow! Wait for me! I've never watched a Quidditch game before!"**

Horace: Why did you not shake him off?

Harry: It's not like I didn't try!

**Colin scrambled through the hole after him.**

Harry: No escape!

"**It'll be really boring," Harry said quickly, but Colin ignored him, his face shining with excitement.**

Ginny: Lying won't work.

"**You were the youngest House player in a hundred years, weren't you, Harry? **

Harry: Well, I don't like to talk about it…

Hermione: Apart from at work…

Ron: … and at reunions…

Ginny: … and at Quidditch games with the neighbours…

Harry: Alright, alright!

**Weren't you?" said Colin, trotting alongside him. "You must be brilliant. I've never flown. Is it easy? Is that your own broom? Is that the best one there is?"**

Neville: Questions, questions, questions…

Luna: Why did you need to say it three times?

Neville: It makes me feel important.

Ginny: Aw, Neville, you _are_ important.

Neville: I teach Herbology…

Ginny (blank look): Fair point.

**Harry didn't know how to get rid of him. It was like having an extremely talkative shadow.**

Michael: I had one of those once…

George: Cue flashback!

Michael: What?

George: We don't have a flashback scene for this?

Ginny: Ay, ay, ay! Who let him watch Family Guy? Seriously, keep him away from Muggle televisions!

"**I don't really understand Quidditch," said Colin breathlessly. "Is it true there are four balls? And two of them fly around trying to knock people off their brooms?"**

Minerva: He sounds as if that could never happen.

"**Yes," said Harry heavily, resigned to explaining the complicated rules of Quidditch. **

Ron: A.k.a. giving up.

**"They're called Bludgers. **

Luna: I've just realised how much that sounds like "bludgeon"…

Hermione: Oh yeah…

George: See? The smart one didn't even get that.

**There are two Beaters on each team who carry clubs to beat the Bludgers away from their side. Fred and George Weasley are the Gryffindor Beaters."**

George (standing up to take a bow): At your service.

"**And what are the other balls for?" Colin asked, tripping down a couple of steps because he was gazing open-mouthed at Harry.**

Ginny: Hah ha ha! I probably shouldn't laugh…

Ron: But it's really rather funny.

"**Well, the Quaffle — that's the biggish red one — is the one that scores goals. Three Chasers on each team throw the Quaffle to each other and try and get it through the goal posts at the end of the pitch — they're three long poles with hoops on the end."**

Horace: This is supposed to be complicated?

"**And the fourth ball —"**

Horace: Oh, when will this END?

"— **is the Golden Snitch," said Harry, "and it's very small, very fast, and difficult to catch. **

Ron (imitating Harry): And that's why I am so amazing.

**But that's what the Seeker's got to do, because a game of Quidditch doesn't end until the Snitch has been caught. **

Minerva: You should have told him about that one that lasted three months. That would have put him off.

**And whichever team's Seeker gets the Snitch earns his team an extra hundred and fifty points."**

Harry (grinning): I have a lot of personal experience in that capacity.

"**And you're the Gryffindor Seeker, aren't you?" said Colin in awe.**

Ron: Why yes, yes I am.

"**Yes," said Harry as they left the castle and started across the dew-drenched grass. "And there's the Keeper, too. He guards the goal posts. That's it, really."**

Ginny: "That's it" as in that's all he does, or "that's it" as in that's all the stuff you need to know?

Harry: A bit of both, really.

**But Colin didn't stop questioning Harry all the way down the sloping lawns to the Quidditch field, and Harry only shook him off when he reached the changing rooms;**

George: Even then he didn't want to leave.

**Colin called after him in a piping voice, "I'll go and get a good seat, Harry!" and hurried off to the stands.**

George: Still couldn't shake him off?

Luna: Well, with Professor Lockhart around, Harry had probably already had experience with crazed fans.

Ginny: She went there!

**The rest of the Gryffindor team were already in the changing room. **

Horace: Ever thought how weird it is that the boys and girls share a changing room?

Michael: We never used to complain.

Minerva: Hell no.

Horace: It's so nice to know that you've matured since your school days.

**Wood was the only person who looked truly awake. Fred and George Weasley were sitting, puffy-eyed and tousle haired, next to fourth year Alicia Spinnet, who seemed to be nodding off against the wall behind her. **

Harry: There was no "seemed to be" about it, she was falling asleep.

**Her fellow Chasers, Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson, were yawning side by side opposite them.**

George: And dear little Ollie never noticed the difference.

Harry: Wait… did you just call him Ollie?

George (shifty): No!

"**There you are, Harry, what kept you?" said Wood briskly. **

Hermione: Being brutally woken up by a disrespectful Quidditch fanatic.

**"Now, I wanted a quick talk with you all before we actually get onto the field, because I spent the summer devising a whole new training program, which I really think will make all the difference…"**

(All groan).

**Wood was holding up a large diagram of a Quidditch field, on which were drawn many lines, arrows, and crosses in different coloured inks. **

Minerva: I did that once.

Harry: Did it work?

Minerva: No. I got bored explaining it after about five minutes so I set it on fire with my wand.

Horace: How did you ever become a teacher?

Minerva: I could ask you the same question.

**He took out his wand, tapped the board, and the arrows began to wiggle over the diagram like caterpillars. As Wood launched into a speech about his new tactics, Fred Weasley's head drooped right onto Alicia Spinnet's shoulder and he began to snore.**

Harry: And Wood thought he was taking the pi-

Ginny: Mick. He thought he was taking the mick.

**The first board took nearly twenty minutes to explain, but there was another board under that, and a third under that one. **

Neville: And the torture continues.

**Harry sank into a stupor as Wood droned on and on.**

Ron: And Colin soon started losing his mind out in the stands.

"**So," said Wood, at long last, jerking Harry from a wistful fantasy about what he could be eating for breakfast at this very moment up at the castle. **

Neville: Watch out, Harry! Ron infiltrated your brain!

**"Is that clear? Any questions?"**

Michael: Yes, I do have a question, actually. Why do you think it necessary to subject all of your team mates to a tragic torture that sent them all to the brink of death and then cruelly pull them back again with false mercy in your eyes?

Hermione: That was actually quite poetic.

Michael: I tried writing before… that did not work out…

"**I've got a question, Oliver," said George, who had woken with a start. **

Minerva: Uh oh.

George: Why so pessimistic?

Minerva: You asking a question is usually a bad omen.

**"Why couldn't you have told us all this yesterday when we were awake?"**

Ginny: Idiot.

**Wood wasn't pleased.**

Neville :Surprise, surprise.

"**Now, listen here, you lot," he said, glowering at them all. "We should have won the Quidditch cup last year. **

Minerva: Not wrong there.

**We're easily the best team. **

Minerva: Amen!

**But unfortunately — owing to circumstances beyond our control —"**

Michael: Oh…

**Harry shifted guiltily in his seat. **

Hermione: It wasn't your fault.

George: Yeah, blame Oldie Voldie.

**He had been unconscious in the hospital wing for the final match of the previous year, meaning that Gryffindor had been a player short and had suffered their worst defeat in three hundred years.**

Harry: Dang.

Minerva: Don't worry, Harry, it is not your job to carry the whole team.

Horace: What is wrong with you today?

Minerva: I'm feeling nice.

Horace: Everybody run for your lives!

**Wood took a moment to regain control of himself. Their last defeat was clearly still torturing him.**

Luna: Call it payback.

"**So this year, we train harder than ever before… **

George: Nooooooo!

**Okay, let's go and put our new theories into practice!" **

Harry: We would… if we could remember them…

**Wood shouted, seizing his broomstick and leading the way out of the locker rooms. Stiff-legged and still yawning, his team followed.**

Neville: Good luck flying like that!

**They had been in the locker room so long that the sun was up completely now, **

George: And the thought of a nice hot breakfast weighed heavily on our minds.

**although remnants of mist hung over the grass in the stadium. As Harry walked onto the field, he saw Ron and Hermione sitting in the stands.**

Luna: Aww.

"**Aren't you finished yet?" called Ron incredulously.**

Harry: You did not have the right to be bored! You did not sit through what we did!

Ron: Ok, don't get your wand in a knot.

"**Haven't even started," said Harry, **

Ginny: Thank Merlin you never subjected us to one of those talks.

**looking jealously at the toast and marmalade Ron and Hermione had brought out of the Great Hall. **

Luna: Jealousy is a sin.

**"Wood's been teaching us new moves."**

Minerva: That's not teaching, that's lecturing.

**He mounted his broomstick and kicked at the ground, soaring up into the air. The cool morning air whipped his face, waking him far more effectively than Wood's long talk. **

Ginny: We've just spent the last ten minutes talking about how boring it was, why would it have woken him up?

**It felt wonderful to be back on the Quidditch field. **

Harry: I love that feeling.

Luna: You're just repeating what was written in different words.

**He soared right around the stadium at full speed, racing Fred and George.**

George: He had the better broom! Therefore I had a valid reason for losing.

"**What's that funny clicking noise?" called Fred as they hurtled around the corner.**

Hermione: Your Mum.

George: What?

Hermione: Oh, it's this thing the Muggles do to try and jokingly insult their friends. It's odd…

Horace: Honestly, I will never understand these Muggles.

**Harry looked into the stands. Colin was sitting in one of the highest seats, his camera raised, taking picture after picture, the sound strangely magnified in the deserted stadium.**

Hermione: You can't magnify sounds.

Ron: According to J.K. Rowling, you can.

"**Look this way, Harry! This way!" he cried shrilly.**

Neville: This is where you keep your head down.

"**Who's that?" said Fred.**

Neville: Deny all knowledge of him.

Harry: How do you know this stuff?

Neville: You're talking to an expert.

"**No idea," Harry lied, putting on a spurt of speed that took him as far away as possible from Colin.**

Neville: Good man.

Michael: That's quite evil.

"**What's going on?" said Wood, frowning, as he skimmed through the air toward them. "Why's that first year taking pictures? I don't like it. He could be a Slytherin spy, trying to find out about our new training program."**

Horace: Hey, that's rather a good idea.

"**He's in Gryffindor," said Harry quickly.**

Neville: Aaaaand you blew your cover.

Harry: How did I?

Neville: You just said you didn't know him before.

Harry: I could have seen his uniform.

Neville: From that distance?

Minerva: You are a terrible liar.

Harry: You can't say that; you never found out about the -.

Minerva: About what?

Harry: Never mind.

"**And the Slytherins don't need a spy, Oliver," said George.**

Hermione: Wisdom? I'm impressed.

George: Yeah, yeah.

"**What makes you say that?" said Wood testily.**

George: Because they have ears everywhere, man.

"**Because they're here in person," said George, pointing.**

All Gryffindors: BOO!

**Several people in green robes were walking onto the field, broomsticks in their hands.**

Horace: ARGH, it's McGonagall clones!

"**I don't believe it!" Wood hissed in outrage. "I booked the field for today! We'll see about this!"**

Ron: Yes, we will!

**Wood shot toward the ground, landing rather harder than he meant to in his anger, staggering slightly as he dismounted. **

George: He tripped on a tree root that suddenly appeared from nowhere. Harry inconspicuously slipped his wand back into his pocket.

Ginny: Inconspicuously? Big words, bro.

**Harry, Fred, and George followed.**

Horace: Like little lap dogs.

"**Flint!" Wood bellowed at the Slytherin Captain. "This is our practice time! We got up specially! You can clear off now!"**

Ron: Like that'll work.

**Marcus Flint was even larger than Wood. He had a look of trollish cunning **

George: Trollish cunning? TROLLISH? Is that possible?

Luna: They can actually be quite clever… if you're patient with them.

Neville: Like you, then, Luna?

Hermione: That was below the belt, Neville.

**on his face as he replied, "Plenty of room for all of us, Wood."**

Minerva: NO!

Horace: Too late to change the past.

Minerva: I know, but Wood was complaining to me about this for weeks.

**Angelina, Alicia, and Katie had come over, too. There were no girls on the Slytherin team, who stood shoulder to shoulder, facing the Gryffindors, leering to a man.**

Horace: Definitely McGonagall clones.

Minerva: Shut up.

"**But I booked the field!" said Wood, positively spitting with rage. "I booked it!"**

Luna: Spitting is disgusting.

Hermione: He didn't _actually_ spit, he was _practically_ spitting.

"**Ah," said Flint. "But I've got a specially signed note here from Professor Snape. **

Minerva: My authority overrides his every time.

**'I, Professor S. Snape, give the Slytherin team permission to practice today on the Quidditch field owing to the need to train their new Seeker'. "**

Harry: We didn't get special time!

"**You've got a new Seeker?" said Wood, distracted. "Where?"**

George: He was so short, even Flitwick felt like a giant next to him.

**And from behind the six large figures before them came a seventh, smaller boy, smirking all over his pale, pointed face. It was Draco Malfoy.**

Horace: Never thought he was the right build for a seeker…

Hermione: He wasn't, he bought his way onto the team.

Minerva: Remind you of anyone, Horace?

Horace: I don't know what you are talking about!

Minerva: Don't play dumb with me; the portrait's TALK for crying out loud!

Horace: DAMN!

"**Aren't you Lucius Malfoy's son?" said Fred, looking at Malfoy with dislike.**

Neville: I would say the names _sort_ of give it away.

"**Funny you should mention Draco's father," said Flint as the whole Slytherin team smiled still more broadly. "Let me show you the generous gift he's made to the Slytherin team."**

Hermione: Bribe, more like.

**All seven of them held out their broomsticks. Seven highly polished, brand-new handles and seven sets of fine gold lettering spelling the words Nimbus Two Thousand and One gleamed under the Gryffindors' noses in the early morning sun.**

Harry: Idiots.

Horace: Them or you?

"**Very latest model. Only came out last month," **

Ron: Yeah, just like their brain cells.

**said Flint carelessly, flicking a speck of dust from the end of his own. "I believe it outstrips the old Two Thousand series by a considerable amount. **

Minerva: It's not about the broom; it's about the flier.

**As for the old Cleansweeps" **

George: Say what you like about them, they were good brooms.

— **he smiled nastily at Fred and George, who were both clutching Cleansweep Fives —" sweeps the board with them."**

Minerva: Didn't know Slytherins were capable of word play.

Horace: Aaaaaaaaand she's back.

**None of the Gryffindor team could think of anything to say for a moment. **

Horace: Which makes a pleasant change.

**Malfoy was smirking so broadly his cold eyes were reduced to slits.**

George: He's turned into MOULDY VOLDIE!

"**Oh, look," said Flint. "A field invasion."**

Luna: Aliens!

Harry: What?

**Ron and Hermione were crossing the grass to see what was going on.**

Horace: Nosy.

"**What's happening?" Ron asked Harry. "Why aren't you playing? And what's he doing here?"**

Ginny: Quidditch robes on, hmmm, I _wonder_ what he could be up to.

**He was looking at Malfoy, taking in his Slytherin Quidditch robes.**

Hermione: Take a wild guess.

"**I'm the new Slytherin Seeker, Weasley," said Malfoy, smugly. "Everyone's just been admiring the brooms my father's bought our team."**

Ron: Little slug.

**Ron gaped, open-mouthed, at the seven superb broomsticks in front of him.**

Hermione: You didn't help, Ron.

Ron: I know…

"**Good, aren't they?" said Malfoy smoothly. "But perhaps the Gryffindor team will be able to raise some gold and get new brooms, too. You could raffle off those Cleansweep Fives; I expect a museum would bid for them."**

George: Yes, because they were so AWESOME.

**The Slytherin team howled with laughter.**

Minerva: Sounds about right. Most of the Slytherin girls in my day were dogs.

Ginny: You go girl!… Did I just say that?

"**At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in," said Hermione sharply. "They got in on pure talent."**

Ron: There's another reason why I love you.

**The smug look on Malfoy's face flickered.**

Neville: Ha ha.

"**No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood," he spat.**

(A stunned silence sweeps the room).

Michael: He said that? And he was only twelve? What were his parents teaching him… Wait… -was that the one that - … oh… never mind.

**Harry knew at once that Malfoy had said something really bad because there was an instant uproar at his words. **

Neville: No surprise there.

**Flint had to dive in front of Malfoy to stop Fred and George jumping on him, Alicia shrieked, "How dare you!" and Ron plunged his hand into his robes, pulled out his wand, yelling, "You'll pay for that one, Malfoy!" **

Hermione: Thank you guys.

Michael: That's how you know you have friends.

**and pointed it furiously under Flint's arm at Malfoy's face.**

George: And never again after that was he short enough to reach under anyone's arms.

**A loud bang echoed around the stadium and a jet of green light shot out of the wrong end of Ron's wand, hitting him in the stomach and sending him reeling backward onto the grass.**

Luna: Ouch…

"**Ron! Ron! Are you all right?" squealed Hermione.**

Hermione: I don't squeal.

George: Yeah, like Minnie doesn't bark.

**Ron opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead he gave an almighty belch **

George: What's so different about that?

**and several slugs dribbled out of his mouth onto his lap.**

George: OH, that.

**The Slytherin team were paralyzed with laughter. **

Luna: Now, I don't think that's quite possible.

**Flint was doubled up, hanging onto his new broomstick for support. **

Michael: How did that work?

**Malfoy was on all fours, banging the ground with his fist. **

Luna: See? He's not paralyzed, he's moving.

**The Gryffindors were gathered around Ron, who kept belching large, glistening slugs. Nobody seemed to want to touch him.**

Minerva: Poppy didn't either. And that's saying something.

"**We'd better get him to Hagrid's, it's nearest," said Harry to Hermione, who nodded bravely, and the pair of them pulled Ron up by the arms.**

Michael: Are you sure about that? I don't think he has any medical training.

Horace: And he'd probably want to keep the slugs as pets.

"**What happened, Harry? What happened? Is he ill? But you can cure him, can't you?" Colin had run down from his seat and was now dancing alongside them as they left the field. **

Neville: Surely he caught all that on his camera.

**Ron gave a huge heave and more slugs dribbled down his front.**

Minerva: You know, even though it backfired, I must commend your spell work. I didn't think of using that one until fourth year.

"**Oooh," said Colin, fascinated and raising his camera. "Can you hold him still, Harry?"**

Ron and Harry: NO!

"**Get out of the way, Colin!" said Harry angrily. **

Luna: Now, now. Temper, temper.

Neville: Do you have to say everything twice?

**He and Hermione supported Ron out of the stadium and across the grounds toward the edge of the forest.**

"**Nearly there, Ron," said Hermione as the gamekeeper's cabin came into view. "You'll be all right in a minute **

Ron: Well, that wasn't exactly true, was it?

— **almost there —"**

**They were within twenty feet of Hagrid's house when the front door opened, but it wasn't Hagrid who emerged. **

George: I don't like the sound of that.

**Gilderoy Lockhart, wearing robes of palest mauve today, came striding out.**

Minerva: Go away!

George: Looks like he got some 'splainin' to do.

Ginny: What?

George: I don't actually know…

"**Quick, behind here," Harry hissed, dragging Ron behind a nearby bush. **

George: Naughty, naughty.

Neville: Now you're repeating yourself too?

**Hermione followed, somewhat reluctantly.**

Hermione: I was not reluctant, I just… actually I would have liked to see him.

Everyone else: Shut up!

**"It's a simple matter if you know what you're doing!" Lockhart was saying loudly to Hagrid. **

Michael: That doesn't sound good.

**"If you need help, you know where I am! I'll let you have a copy of my book. **

Michael: What a treat!

Horace: Can Hagrid even read?

Ginny, Hermione, Ron and Harry: Can _you_?

**I'm surprised you haven't already got one — **

Neville: Really?

George: The big-headed prat.

**I'll sign one tonight and send it over. Well, good-bye!" And he strode away toward the castle.**

Harry: Hagrid should have owl-proofed his hut.

**Harry waited until Lockhart was out of sight, then pulled Ron out of the bush and up to Hagrid's front door. They knocked urgently.**

George: Let us in!

**Hagrid appeared at once, looking very grumpy, but his expression brightened when he saw who it was.**

Hermione: Always nice to cheer someone up with your best friend's suffering.

"**Bin wonderin' when you'd come ter see me — come in, come in — thought you mighta bin Professor Lockhart back again —"**

Ron: Oh, Merlin, no!

**Harry and Hermione supported Ron over the threshold into the one-roomed cabin, which had an enormous bed in one corner, a fire crackling merrily in the other. **

Luna: How could he have his bathroom and bedroom… and everything else, all in one room?

**Hagrid didn't seem perturbed by Ron's slug problem, which Harry hastily explained as he lowered Ron into a chair.**

Horace: Like I said, he probably wanted to keep them as pets.

"**Better out than in," he said cheerfully, plunking a large copper basin in front of him. "Get 'em all up, Ron."**

Neville: Eww.

Horace: And you're the Herbology teacher?

"**I don't think there's anything to do except wait for it to stop," said Hermione anxiously, watching Ron bend over the basin. "That's a difficult curse to work at the best of times, **

Ron: I thank you.

**but with a broken wand —"**

Ron: Didn't see that as a problem at the time.

**Hagrid was bustling around making them tea. His boarhound, Fang, was slobbering over Harry.**

Harry: Nice.

"**What did Lockhart want with you, Hagrid?" Harry asked, scratching Fang's ears.**

Ginny: Why did you ask?

"**Givin' me advice on gettin' kelpies out of a well," growled Hagrid, moving a half-plucked rooster off his scrubbed table and setting down the teapot. "Like I don' know. **

Hermione: Did he actually know?

Harry: Yes, Hermione. Stop trying to save Lockhart.

**An' bangin' on about some banshee he banished. If one word of it was true, I'll eat my kettle."**

Michael: He was lucky Lockhart was a fraud, then, wasn't he?

**It was most unlike Hagrid to criticize a Hogwarts' teacher, **

Minerva: Well, we are pretty awesome. (She turns to Horace) Most of us, anyway.

**and Harry looked at him in surprise. Hermione, however, said in a voice somewhat higher than usual, "I think you're being a bit unfair. **

Ginny: Seriously?

**Professor Dumbledore obviously thought he was the best man for the job —"**

Minerva: No, he was the only one who applied.

**"He was the on'y man fer the job," said Hagrid, offering them a plate of treacle fudge, while Ron coughed squelchily **

Luna: Another nonsense word.

**into his basin. "An' I mean the on'y one. Gettin' very difficult ter find anyone fer the Dark Arts job. **

Minerva: You don't say.

**People aren't too keen ter take it on, see. They're startin' ter think it's jinxed. **

Harry: It was.

**No one's lasted long fer a while now. So tell me," said Hagrid, jerking his head at Ron. "Who was he tryin' ter curse?"**

Ginny: Not himself.

"**Malfoy called Hermione something — it must've been really bad, because everyone went wild."**

Horace: They were Gryffindors, what do you expect?

"**It was bad," said Ron hoarsely, emerging over the tabletop looking pale and sweaty. "Malfoy called her 'Mudblood,' Hagrid —"**

George: Oooh, he went there!

**Ron dived out of sight again as a fresh wave of slugs made their appearance. Hagrid looked outraged.**

Hermione: Which was actually really scary.

"**He didn'!" he growled at Hermione.**

George: He _did_!

"**He did," she said. "But I don't know what it means. I could tell it was really rude, of course —"**

Neville: Well done, Miss Marple.

**"It's about the most insulting thing he could think of," gasped Ron, coming back up. **

Michael: I've been called that a few times in my life. You just learn to shrug it off after a while.

**"Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born — you know, non-magic parents. **

Ginny: Thank you for that enlightening little tidbit.

**There are some wizards — like Malfoy's family — who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call pure-blood." **

Horace: Well, we are…

Minerva: _We_ are not. Besides, your mother was a Muggle, so you are not included in the collective pure-blood "we".

George: He got owned.

**He gave a small burp, and a single slug fell into his outstretched hand. He threw it into the basin and continued, "I mean, the rest of us know it doesn't make any difference at all. **

Hermione: I know.

**Look at Neville Longbottom — he's pure-blood and he can hardly stand a cauldron the right way up."**

Neville: Cheers.

"**An' they haven't invented a spell our Hermione can't do," said Hagrid proudly, making Hermione go a brilliant shade of magenta.**

George: Quick, she's choking!

"**It's a disgusting thing to call someone," said Ron, wiping his sweaty brow with a shaking hand. "Dirty blood, see. Common blood. **

Ron: And you are anything but common, dear.

**It's ridiculous. **

Hermione: We-el, Malfoy was pretty ridiculous.

**Most wizards these days are half-blood anyway. If we hadn't married Muggles we'd've died out."**

Michael: Not strictly true. Muggleborns do exist.

**He wretched and ducked out of sight again.**

Ron: Sorry.

"**Well, I don' blame yeh fer tryin' ter curse him, Ron," said Hagrid loudly over the thuds of more slugs hitting the basin. **

Ron: Oh, crumbs.

Ginny: What did you just say?

Ron: buy yourself some new ears.

Ginny: Well I just might!

**"Bu' maybe it was a good thing yer wand backfired. 'Spect Lucius Malfoy would've come marchin' up ter school if yeh'd cursed his son. Least yer not in trouble."**

Hermione: Yeah, because that was the least of his worries.

**Harry would have pointed out that trouble didn't come much worse than having slugs pouring out of your mouth, but he couldn't; **

George: He lost his cheekiness?

**Hagrid's treacle fudge had cemented his jaws together.**

George: O-oh.

**"Harry," said Hagrid abruptly as though struck by a sudden thought. "Gotta bone ter pick with yeh. **

Neville: Uh oh.

**I've heard you've bin givin' out signed photos. How come I haven't got one?"**

Ginny: Ah ha ha ha ha!

**Furious, Harry wrenched his teeth apart.**

"**I have not been giving out signed photos," he said hotly. "If Lockhart's still spreading that around —"**

George: Chill, man. Cleanse the vibes… or something…

**But then he saw that Hagrid was laughing.**

Neville: And he looked like a bit of an idiot.

"**I'm on'y jokin'," he said, patting Harry genially on the back and sending him face first into the table. "I knew yeh hadn't really. I told Lockhart yeh didn' need teh. Yer more famous than him without tryin'."**

Harry: I know!

"**Bet he didn't like that," said Harry, sitting up and rubbing his chin.**

Minerva: I really have to have a chat with Hagrid.

Horace: Uh oh. Her "chats" are never good.

Minerva: Only when they involve you. This chat is going to be a very happy one, actually.

"**Don' think he did," said Hagrid, his eyes twinkling. "An' then I told him I'd never read one o' his books an' he decided ter go. **

Michael: Aw, sore loser.

**Treacle fudge, Ron?" he added as Ron reappeared.**

"**No thanks," said Ron weakly. "Better not risk it."**

Ginny: This is Ron saying not to risk something? Weird.

George: Even weirder, it was food.

"**Come an' see what I've bin growin'," said Hagrid as Harry and Hermione finished the last of their tea.**

George: In the garden was a whole stash of Marijuana.

**In the small vegetable patch behind Hagrid's house were a dozen of the largest pumpkins Harry had ever seen. Each was the size of a large boulder.**

Neville: And they were in a small vegetable patch? Think again Ms. Rowling.

"**Gettin' on well, aren't they?" said Hagrid happily. "Fer the Halloween feast… should be big enough by then."**

Horace: No way?

"**What've you been feeding them?" said Harry.**

Ginny: They're not wild animals, Harry.

Harry: Plants need food too!

Ginny: You sound like Hermione when she went on her S.P.E.W. rampage.

**Hagrid looked over his shoulder to check that they were alone.**

Neville: He charmed them.

"**Well, I've bin givin' them — you know — a bit o' help —"**

Neville: See?

**Harry noticed Hagrid's flowery pink umbrella leaning against the back wall of the cabin. **

Horace: Flowery pink? Macho.

Minerva: Like you can talk.

**Harry had had reason to believe before now that this umbrella was not all it looked; in fact, he had the strong impression that Hagrid's old school wand was concealed inside it. Hagrid wasn't supposed to use magic. **

Horace: Naughty boy.

**He had been expelled from Hogwarts in his third year, but Harry had never found out why**

Michael: Something tells me you might.

Horace: Oh, I remember that. Terrible business.

— **any mention of the matter and Hagrid would clear his throat loudly and become mysteriously deaf until the subject was changed.**

Minerva: Yes, Michael does that too. Convenient, is it not?

Michael: It is a finely tuned skill that only men can master, love.

**"An Engorgement Charm, I suppose?" said Hermione, halfway between disapproval and amusement. "Well, you've done a good job on them."**

Ginny: See, you can be nice about breaking rules.

"**That's what yer little sister said," said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. **

Ginny: Yaaay!

**"Met her jus' yesterday." Hagrid looked sideways at Harry, his beard twitching. **

Harry: Oh, Hagrid, Hagrid, Hagrid.

Neville: Honestly people, stop repeating yourselves!

**"Said she was jus' lookin' round the grounds, but I reckon she was hopin' she might run inter someone else at my house." **

George: Ooh, who?

Michael: If you'll hush, we might just find out.

George: Alright, keep your hair on!

**He winked at Harry. "If yeh ask me, she wouldn' say no ter a signed —"**

(Harry starts blushing furiously).

**"Oh, shut up," said Harry. Ron snorted with laughter and the ground was sprayed with slugs.**

Hermione: So elegant.

Ron: That's why you married me!

Luna: You married him because he was throwing up slugs?

Hermione: No, that's not what he meant.

"**Watch it!" Hagrid roared, pulling Ron away from his precious pumpkins.**

Ron: Nice to know where you stand.

**It was nearly lunchtime and as Harry had only had one bit of treacle fudge since dawn, he was keen to go back to school to eat. **

Hermione: That's Ron's influence.

**They said good-bye to Hagrid and walked back up to the castle, Ron hiccoughing occasionally, but only bringing up two very small slugs.**

Ron: Thank Merlin.

**They had barely set foot in the cool entrance hall when a voice rang out, "There you are, Potter — Weasley." Professor McGonagall was walking toward them, looking stern. **

Horace: When does she not?

Michael: Actually, I rather like it.

**"You will both do your detentions this evening."**

Harry and Ron: Whaaaaaaay!

"**What're we doing, Professor?" said Ron, nervously suppressing a burp.**

Minerva: That's quite disgusting.

"**You will be polishing the silver in the trophy room with Mr. Filch," said Professor McGonagall. "And no magic, Weasley — elbow grease."**

Minerva: Sorry.

Harry: It wasn't as bad as mine.

Minerva: sorry about that as well.

Horace: Are you just going to apologize for every detention you ever gave out? Get some backbone, woman.

Minerva: This, coming from you? You know, I could always vanish _your_ backbone, if you wish.

Horace: No thanks, I'm good.

**Ron gulped. Argus Filch, the caretaker, was loathed by every student in the school.**

Luna: We-ell…

Hermione: Oh, God, no!

"**And you, Potter, will be helping Professor Lockhart answer his fan mail," said Professor McGonagall.**

Horace: WHOA! I thought we'd banned torture here!

"**Oh n — Professor, can't I go and do the trophy room, too?" said Harry desperately.**

Neville: I think you knew the answer before you asked that question.

"**Certainly not," said Professor McGonagall, raising her eyebrows. "Professor Lockhart requested you particularly. **

Harry: That guy had a thing for me.

**Eight o'clock sharp, both of you."**

Ron (saluting): Yes, ma'am!

**Harry and Ron slouched into the Great Hall in states of deepest gloom, **

Neville: Just keep them away from sharp objects.

**Hermione behind them, wearing a well-you-did-break-school-rules sort of expression. **

Luna: What sort of an expression is a "well-you-did-break-school-rules" look?

**Harry didn't enjoy his shepherd's pie as much as he'd thought. Both he and Ron felt they'd got the worse deal.**

Hermione: I think you were about equal.

Ron and Harry: You would say that.

**"Filch'll have me there all night," said Ron heavily. "No magic! There must be about a hundred cups in that room. I'm no good at Muggle cleaning."**

Hermione: It's not that hard.

**"I'd swap anytime," said Harry hollowly. "I've had loads of practice with the Dursleys. **

George: Aww, poor Harry.

**Answering Lockhart's fan mail… he'll be a nightmare…"**

Minerva: And he wasn't normally?

**Saturday afternoon seemed to melt away, and in what seemed like no time, it was five minutes to eight, and Harry was dragging his feet along the second-floor corridor to Lockhart's office. **

(Harry hums the death march).

**He gritted his teeth and knocked.**

George: And a giant ghost jumped out through the door, scaring Harry to death and saving him from Lockhart in the process.

**The door flew open at once. Lockhart beamed down at him.**

**"Ah, here's the scallywag!" he said. **

Minerva: That was evidently when he was going through his pirate stage.

Hermione: I could see him with an eye patch and a parrot.

"**Come in, Harry, come in —"**

Harry: Oh, God, NO!

**Shining brightly on the walls by the light of many candles were countless framed photographs of Lockhart. **

Horace: You weren't stroking his ego, were you?

Minerva: No, Sluggy, just no.

**He had even signed a few of them. **

Luna: I think I might be sick.

**Another large pile lay on his desk.**

Michael: He was planning on putting _those_ up in his bedroom.

"**You can address the envelopes!" **

Harry: Joy!

**Lockhart told Harry, as though this was a huge treat.**

Ron: It was compared to my detention.

Harry: No, it wasn't!

"**This first one's to Gladys Gudgeon, bless her — huge fan of mine —"**

Michael: Address - Edinburgh Asylum for the Clinically Insane.

**The minutes snailed by. **

Luna: That is not a word.

**Harry let Lockhart's voice wash over him, occasionally saying, "Mmm" and "Right" and "Yeah." **

Harry: Every time he paused for breath, actually.

**Now and then he caught a phrase like, "Fame's a fickle friend, Harry," or "Celebrity is as celebrity does, remember that."**

Ginny: Idiot.

**The candles burned lower and lower, making the light dance over the many moving faces of Lockhart watching him. **

Harry: That was punishment enough.

**Harry moved his aching hand over what felt like the thousandth envelope, writing out Veronica Smethley's address. **

Michael: Oh, I haven't seen old Ronnie in years!

Minerva: She was awful.

**It must be nearly time to leave, Harry thought miserably, please let it be nearly time…**

George: NO! You shall NEVER leave! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

**And then he heard something **

Neville: Ooh, what was it?

— **something quite apart from the spitting of the dying candles and Lockhart's prattle about his fans.**

Ginny (crossing her fingers): Please let it be a gunshot.

**It was a voice, a voice to chill the bone marrow, a voice of breathtaking, ice-cold venom.**

Horace: She can't build suspense.

"**Come… come to me… Let me rip you.. .Let me tear you.. .Let me kill you…"**

George: Damn, that's cold.

**Harry gave a huge jump and a large lilac blot appeared on Veronica Smethley's street.**

Harry: She'll live.

Luna: I wonder if Professor Lockhart knew that you only need to write a name for an owl to be able to get it to the right place?

"**What?" he said loudly.**

"**I know!" said Lockhart. "Six solid months at the top of the best-seller list! Broke all records!"**

Minerva: Idiot.

"**No," said Harry frantically. "That voice!"**

George: You're going mad.

"**Sorry?" said Lockhart, looking puzzled. "What voice?"**

Ginny: The voice that wants to kill you!

"**That — that voice that said — didn't you hear it?"**

**Lockhart was looking at Harry in high astonishment.**

Neville: He had just interrupted Lockhart's speech.

"**What are you talking about, Harry? Perhaps you're getting a little drowsy? Great Scott — look at the time! We've been here nearly four hours! I'd never have believed it — the time's flown, hasn't it?"**

Horace: Well, you know what they say: time flies when you don't shut up.

**Harry didn't answer. He was straining his ears to hear the voice again, but there was no sound now except for Lockhart telling him he mustn't expect a treat like this every time he got detention. **

Michael: Treat, yeah…

**Feeling dazed, Harry left.**

Harry: Thankfully.

**It was so late that the Gryffindor common room was almost empty. **

Minerva: It's never too late for Gryffindors.

**Harry went straight up to the dormitory. Ron wasn't back yet. Harry pulled on his pyjamas, got into bed, and waited. Half an hour later, Ron arrived, nursing his right arm and bringing a strong smell of polish into the darkened room.**

Ron: Awful stuff.

"**My muscles have all seized up," he groaned, sinking on his bed. "Fourteen times he made me buff up that Quidditch cup before he was satisfied. **

George: He was probably more interested in watching you, Ronniekins!

**And then I had another slug attack all over a Special Award for Services to the School. Took ages to get the slime off… How was it with Lockhart?"**

Harry: You really want to ask?

**Keeping his voice low so as not to wake Neville, Dean, and Seamus, Harry told Ron exactly what he had heard.**

Hermione: Dun, dun, dun.

"**And Lockhart said he couldn't hear it?" **

Minerva: All he could hear was the sound of his own voice.

**said Ron. Harry could see him frowning in the moonlight. "D'you think he was lying? But I don't get it — even someone invisible would've had to open the door."**

Luna: Someone invisible?

"**I know," said Harry, lying back in his four-poster and staring at the canopy above him. "I don't get it either."**

Hermione: When do you ever get it?

Harry: Harsh.


	8. Calming Charms and Unexpected Talents

_A/N: I do apologize most profusely for the crazily long hiatus from updates but I'm back again with a vengeance! Unluckily for you._

**Chapter Eight - The Deathday Party**

Horace: Oh no.f

Neville: What is it?

Horace: Obviously you've never been to one.

**October arrived, spreading a damp chill over the grounds and into the castle. **

Ron: Nope. It's Scotland; it looks like that all year round.

**Madam Pomfrey, the nurse, was kept busy by a sudden spate of colds among the staff and students. **

Luna: That was entertaining.

Minerva: Speak for yourself.

**Her Pepperup potion worked instantly, though it left the drinker smoking at the ears for several hours afterward. **

George: On the upside it feels all tickly.

**Ginny Weasley, **

Ginny: MEEE!

Hermione: Yes. Right. Well… ONWARDS!

**who had been looking pale, was bullied into taking some by Percy. **

Harry: Ooh, Percy you little rebel.

**The steam pouring from under her vivid hair gave the impression that her whole head was on fire.**

Ginny: Oh, it was. Peeves set fire to me on the way to the Hospital Wing.

**Raindrops the size of bullets thundered on the castle windows for days on end; the lake rose, the flower beds turned into muddy streams, and Hagrid's pumpkins swelled to the size of garden sheds. **

Horace: I love Scotland.

Michael: Why?

Horace: Weather like that makes the Gryffindors miserable.

Minerva: You're so nice to us.

Horace: I wasn't talking about you. You're always miserable.

Minerva: I'm not, am I?

(Minerva looks desperately around the table)

Minerva: Am I?

(Crickets chirping)

Minerva: Oh sweet Merlin, I am.

Michael: Don't be ridiculous…

**Oliver Wood's enthusiasm for regular training sessions, however, was not dampened, **

Ron: Terrible pun.

Harry: Terrible LUCK!

**which was why Harry was to be found, late one stormy Saturday afternoon a few days before Halloween, returning to Gryffindor Tower, drenched to the skin and splattered with mud.**

George: and that was before practice.

**Even aside from the rain and wind it hadn't been a happy practice session. **

Harry: Was it ever?

George: Yeah. Remember the time Alicia kept turning the Bludger into snape's head?

Harry: Oh yeah. Good times.

**Fred and George, who had been spying on the Slytherin team, **

Minerva: Which I don't condone.

Michael: But we did it in our day - OUCH! What did you do that for?

Minerva: What, darling?

Michael: You stepped on my f- OW!

Minerva: I beg your pardon?

Michael: Nothing.

(Ron and Harry imitate a whip-cracking sound).

**had seen for themselves the speed of those new Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones. **

Hermione: Speed does not make up for bad technique.

Ron: We-ell…

**They reported that the Slytherin team was no more than seven greenish blurs, shooting through the air like missiles.**

George: I'm fairly certain that is not what we said.

Luna: What did you say?

George: That they were arrogant pri-

Minerva: That's quite enough.

George: Says you.

Minerva: Fair point.

**As Harry squelched along the deserted corridor he came across somebody who looked just as preoccupied as he was. **

Neville: Peeves?

Luna: A crumple-backed Snorlack?

Neville: A florescent genie floating through the air?

Luna: I love the guessing game.

Neville: Me too.

Horace: I don't.

**Nearly Headless Nick, the ghost of Gryffindor Tower, **

Ginny: That's a bit of a let-down…

George: But Nick is AWESOME!

Ginny: He couldn't even get his head cut off properly.

Michael: Careful, if he hears you saying that, legend has it he'll transfer his fate to you and you'll be doomed to walk the earth as a nearly-headless ghost.

Horace: Please! That's an old wives tale.

Michael: How do you know that? Did your mother tell you?

Horace (sulkily): Shut up.

**was staring morosely out of a window, muttering under his breath, "… don't fulfil their requirements… half an inch, if that…"**

Minerva: Oh, not THAT again!

"**Hello, Nick," said Harry.**

Minerva: Mistake numero uno.

"**Hello, hello," **

Hermione (singing - that's what she called it anyway): I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello. Hello, hello.

**said Nearly Headless Nick, starting and looking round. He wore a dashing, plumed hat on his long curly hair, and a tunic with a ruff, **

Hermione: Shakespearean much?

**which concealed the fact that his neck was almost completely severed. He was pale as smoke, and Harry could see right through him to the dark sky and torrential rain outside.**

Neville: Cheery fellow.

"**You look troubled, young Potter," said Nick, folding a transparent letter as he spoke and tucking it inside his doublet.**

Ginny: Well, I always thought he was a bit mad, but troubled might be a bit too far.

"**So do you," said Harry.**

Ginny: And so the verbal tennis begins.

"**Ah," Nearly Headless Nick waved an elegant hand, "a matter of no importance… It's not as though I really wanted to join… Thought I'd apply, but apparently I 'don't fulfil requirements' —"**

Minerva: Great. You've set him off on a rant. No escape now.

**In spite of his airy tone, there was a look of great bitterness on his face.**

"**But you would think, wouldn't you," he erupted suddenly, pulling the letter back out of his pocket, "that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt?"**

Hermione: Apart from the fact that you aren't headless.

"**Oh — yes," said Harry, who was obviously supposed to agree.**

Neville: Good call.

"**I mean, nobody wishes more than I do that it had all been quick and clean, and my head had come off properly, I mean, it would have saved me a great deal of pain and ridicule. **

Luna: Very true.

**However—" Nearly Headless Nick shook his letter open and read furiously:**

"'**We can only accept huntsmen whose heads have parted company with their bodies.**

Luna: Well… that makes sense. I don't see why he's complaining.

**You will appreciate that it would be impossible otherwise for members to participate in hunt activities such as Horseback Head-Juggling **

Luna: Wouldn't that give you concussion?

Neville: They're ghosts.

**and Head Polo. **

Ron: Big horse fans, aren't they?

Hermione: Well, The Headless Horseman is part of the Headless Hunt, so it figures.

**It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must inform you that you do not fulfil our requirements. With very best wishes, Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore.'"**

**Fuming, Nearly Headless Nick stuffed the letter away.**

Luna: Does Nick have something against this Sir Patrick?

Minerva: That is a whole other box of quills. Don't even ask.

Horace: Bit late for that.

Minerva: I'm sorry I don't possess Sybil's Divination skills.

Ron: I love sarcasm.

Michael: She wasn't being sarcastic. She and Sybil have actually become good friends since the whole Umbridge thing.

Ginny: REALLY?

Michael: No, of course not.

Ginny: Oh.

Ron: I'm lost. Was it sarcasm or not?

Hermione: It was sarcasm, Ronald. From Michael as well.

**"Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on, Harry! Most people would think that's good and beheaded, **

Luna: Not by definition.

**but oh, no, it's not enough for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore."**

Harry: Sigh.

**Nearly Headless Nick took several deep breaths and then said, in a far calmer tone, "So — what's bothering you? Anything I can do?"**

George: Hell. No.

"**No," said Harry. "Not unless you know where we can get seven free Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones for our match against Sly—"**

George: Bast-

Minerva: So help me Merlin, I will turn you into a toad.

George: Sorry. The opportunity was there and you know what I'm like when I see an opportunity.

**The rest of Harry's sentence was drowned out by a high-pitched mewing from somewhere near his ankles. **

Horace: So, Minerva's voice is annoying even in animagus form… Quite an achievement.

**He looked down and found himself gazing into a pair of lamp-like yellow eyes. It was Mrs. Norris, **

Luna: Uh oh.

**the skeletal gray cat who was used by the caretaker, Argus Filch, as a sort of deputy in his endless battle against students.**

Neville: And the fleabag who ruined the fun of many students over her years. May she rest in peace. How did she die again?

Minerva: Horace fell on her.

Horace: It wasn't my fault! You were the one who left that bucket by the door.

Minerva: Meh. The worst I could get is causing death by negligence, but you're up for full-blown murder.

"**You'd better get out of here, Harry," said Nick quickly. "Filch isn't in a good mood **

Ron: Has he EVER been in a good mood?

Neville: Well, after Mrs. Norris kicked the bucket - so to speak - an "anonymous" person sent him a bunny rabbit. He seems to have lightened up a little since then. Still wants to hang students from their thumbs in the dungeons, though.

Minerva: I thought a rabbit might be a nice, sweet influence on his life. And it would get him off my back.

Horace: HA! See, she IS having an affair!

Michael: Shut up.

— **he's got the flu and some third years accidentally plastered frog brains all over the ceiling in dungeon five. **

Ron: Hahahaha! Classic.

**He's been cleaning all morning, and if he sees you dripping mud all over the place -"**

George: He'll take you back to his office and make you teach him magic! Bwah ha ha!

"**Right," said Harry, backing away from the accusing stare of Mrs. Norris, but not quickly enough. **

Harry: It never is. Is it?

**Drawn to the spot by the mysterious power that seemed to connect him with his foul cat, Argus Filch burst suddenly through a tapestry to Harry's right, **

Ginny: What I wouldn't give to see that.

Harry: It was like he was trying to be a Muggle action hero.

**wheezing and looking wildly about for the rule-breaker. There was a thick tartan scarf bound around his head, **

Ron: ARGH! He's imitating Quirrell!

**and his nose was unusually purple.**

"**Filth!" **

Michael: Anyone else noticed how his name is one letter away from filth?

Everyone else (bored): Yes.

**he shouted, his jowls aquiver, his eyes popping alarmingly **

Horace: Attractive.

Luna: Not at the table, thank you!

**as he pointed at the muddy puddle that had dripped from Harry's Quidditch robes. "Mess and muck everywhere! I've had enough of it, I tell you! Follow me, Potter!"**

Ginny: Doomed.

**So Harry waved a gloomy good-bye to Nearly Headless Nick **

Neville: Is there such thing as a gloomy wave? I mean, waves are just so happy. Unless they're tsunami waves. Then they aren't. Uh… I've lost my train of thought. What were we talking about?

**and followed Filch back downstairs, doubling the number of muddy footprints on the floor. **

Ginny: Filch is an idiot.

**Harry had never been inside Filch's office before; it was a place most students avoided. **

George: Unless you're like me and think that Spellotaping things to his desk is funny.

**The room was dingy and windowless, lit by a single oil lamp dangling from the low ceiling. A faint smell of fried fish lingered about the place. **

Horace: Pleasant.

George: If you like him that much, just ask him out.

**Wooden filing cabinets stood around the walls; from their labels, Harry could see that they contained details of every pupil Filch had ever punished. Fred and George Weasley had an entire drawer to themselves. **

George: And we were always rather proud of that.

Minerva: Nothing compared to the Marauders.

Michael: Or us.

Minerva: Filch wasn't around when we were here.

Michael: I know but if Mrs. Magson had been a little more attentive and a little less blind, she would have caught us for some of those pranks.

Minerva and Horace: No she wouldn't.

(All look at Horace)

Horace: They were too sneaky. Should have been in Slytherin.

Minerva: Oh, so you do admire us, then?

Horace: Not at all; I'm glad you were Gryffindor because I didn't have to deal with your antics.

Minerva: Whatever you say.

**A highly polished collection of chains and manacles hung on the wall behind Filch's desk. **

Neville: Ew. So wrong.

George: So… he's into bondage? There's a tip for you, Sluggy.

**It was common knowledge that he was always begging Dumbledore to let him suspend students by their ankles from the ceiling.**

Michael: By their thumbs, actually.

**Filch grabbed a quill from a pot on his desk and began shuffling around looking for parchment.**

"**Dung," he muttered furiously, "great sizzling dragon bogies… frog brains… rat intestines… **

Harry: Also known as the contents of Snape's supply cupboard.

**I've had enough of it… make an example… where's the form… yes…"**

**He retrieved a large roll of parchment from his desk drawer and stretched it out in front of him, dipping his long black quill into the ink pot.**

"**Name… Harry Potter. Crime…"**

Hermione: Ooh, it's just like a CSI interrogation.

Horace: CSI?

Hermione: Never mind.

"**It was only a bit of mud!" said Harry.**

"**It's only a bit of mud to you, boy, but to me it's an extra hour scrubbing!" **

George: Why did Dumbledore hire a Squib to do the cleaning? And why do you keep him here?

Minerva: I will not have prejudices in my school. That is why. And I think it's rather funny watching him struggle.

Neville: Evil, evil woman.

Horace: So no prejudice but House rivalry is OK?

Minerva: Yes.

Horace: I'll never understand women.

Minerva: Believe me, that is not the biggest problem you have.

**shouted Filch, a drip shivering unpleasantly at the end of his bulbous nose. "Crime… befouling the castle… **

George: WOAH! The toilets were only around the corner, Harry.

**suggested sentence…"**

**Dabbing at his streaming nose, Filch squinted unpleasantly at Harry who waited with bated breath for his sentence to fall.**

George: Like a guillotine.

**But as Filch lowered his quill, there was a great BANG! on the ceiling of the office, which made the oil lamp rattle.**

"**PEEVES!" **

Ginny, Harry, Ron and George: YAAY!

Horace: NOO!

**Filch roared, flinging down his quill in a transport of rage. "I'll have you this time, I'll have you!"**

George: Will. Not. Make. Sick. Joke.

**And without a backward glance at Harry, Filch ran flat-footed from the office, Mrs. Norris streaking alongside him.**

**Peeves was the school poltergeist, a grinning, airborne menace who lived to cause havoc and distress. **

Horace: You're telling me!

Minerva: Well, he's handy where falling chandeliers are concerned.

Horace: You use that trick too often.

**Harry didn't much like Peeves, but couldn't help feeling grateful for his timing. **

Neville: You user!

**Hopefully, whatever Peeves had done (and it sounded as though he'd wrecked something very big this time) **

Horace: That shows just how badly the upper ranks of the school manage the nuisances.

Minerva: You don't manage Peeves, you palm him off on us and then go crying to your dear Mummy.

Horace: No I don't...

Minerva: My mistake, you go and give your teddy bear a cuddle.

Horace: That is just a rumour! You can't prove that!

Harry: That was never a rumour.

Ron: Until NOW!

**would distract Filch from Harry.**

Ron: Come on, with your luck that's like having Easter, Halloween and Christmas all on the same day.

Horace: I tried that once.

Michael: With his mother.

Horace: Shut up.

**Thinking that he should probably wait for Filch to come back, Harry sank into a moth-eaten chair next to the desk.**

George: And it collapsed into a pile of wood and fabric.

**There was only one thing on it apart from his half-completed form: a large, glossy, purple envelope with silver lettering on the front. **

Neville: Dun dun dun.

**With a quick glance at the door to check that Filch wasn't on his way back, Harry picked up the envelope and read:**

_**Kwikspell**_

_**A Correspondence Course in Beginners' Magic.**_

(A roar of laughter rises around the table).

**Intrigued, Harry flicked the envelope open and pulled out the sheaf of parchment inside. More curly silver writing on the front page said:**

_**Feel out of step in the world of modern magic? **_

Neville: It's Filch, he's not magic or modern.

_**Find yourself making excuses not to perform simple spells? Ever been taunted for your woeful wandwork?**_

Ginny: That and much more.

_**There is an answer!**_

Hermione: Is it a cheesy letter?

_**Kwikspell is an all-new, fail-safe, quick-result, easy-learn course. Hundreds of witches and wizards have benefited from the Kwikspell method!**_

Harry: How can they have if it's "all-new"?

_**Madam Z. Nettles of Topsham writes:**_

Ron: That's a terrible fake name.

_"__**I had no memory for incantations and my potions were a family joke! **_

Neville: Join the club.

_**Now, after a Kwikspell course, I am the centre of attention at parties and friends beg for the recipe of my Scintillation Solution!"**_

Ron: Pretty sad friends…

_**Warlock D. J. Prod of Didsbury says:**_

Hermione: DJ Prod? That's some terrible name-inventing there.

_"__**My wife used to sneer at my feeble charms, but one month into your fabulous Kwikspell course and I succeeded in turning her into a yak! **_

Michael: Legendary.

Minerva: Excuse me?

Ron: Oh, you are in for it now.

_**Thank you, Kwikspell!"**_

**Fascinated, Harry thumbed through the rest of the envelope's contents. Why on earth did Filch want a Kwikspell course? **

Ginny: Hmmmm, I wonder…

**Did this mean he wasn't a proper wizard? **

Ginny: And the Knut finally drops!

**Harry was just reading Lesson One: **_**Holding Your Wand (Some Useful Tips) **_

Harry: Step one - grasp the handle. Well done; you can now hold a wand.

**when shuffling footsteps outside told him Filch was coming back. Stuffing the parchment back into the envelope, Harry threw it back onto the desk just as the door opened.**

Neville: I think Luna's fallen asleep; she hasn't spoken in a while.

Luna: I have not fallen asleep. I like the sound of all your voices.

Horace: REALLY?

Luna: Yes. They're quite soothing.

Horace: No wonder everybody called you Loo-

Hermione: Shut up!

**Filch was looking triumphant.**

George: Fail.

"**That vanishing cabinet was extremely valuable!" **

Harry: Oh, that brings back the memories.

**he was saying gleefully to Mrs. Norris. "We'll have Peeves out this time, my sweet —"**

Minerva: I should be so lucky.

**His eyes fell on Harry and then darted to the Kwikspell envelope, which, Harry realized too late, was lying two feet away from where it had started.**

Ron: Well done, mate.

**Filch's pasty face went brick red. Harry braced himself for a tidal wave of fury.** **Filch hobbled across to his desk, snatched up the envelope, and threw it into a drawer.**

George: Ooh, he's going to lose that later!

"**Have you — did you read —?" he sputtered.**

All: NO!

"**No," Harry lied quickly.**

Hermione: You like to lie, don't you?

Harry: well, I'm sorry you don't _approve_ but I was trying to save my skin.

**Filch's knobbly hands were twisting together.**

"**If I thought you'd read my private —not that it's mine — for a friend — be that as it may — however —"**

George: He's a lying failure.

**Harry was staring at him, alarmed; Filch had never looked madder. **

Ginny: Mad in what sense?

**His eyes were popping, **

George: Mentioned that already, Ms. Rowling.

**a tic was going in one of his pouchy cheeks, and the tartan scarf didn't help.**

Horace: I agree. Scotland should ditch it.

Minerva: Never say that again!

Horace: But it's terrible.

Minerva: No it's not.

Horace: Is.

Minerva: Is not.

Horace: Is.

Minerva: Is not.

Hermione: Shut up both of you before I transfigure your mouths into closed zips.

"**Very well — go — and don't breathe a word — not that — however, if you didn't read — go now, I have to write up Peeves' report — go —"**

Neville: Oh. My. God. How- why-?

**Amazed at his luck, **

George: And stupidity.

**Harry sped out of the office, up the corridor, and back upstairs. To escape from Filch's office without punishment was probably some kind of school record.**

Minerva: Yes, I should say so.

"**Harry! Harry! Did it work?"**

Neville: Did what work?

**Nearly Headless Nick came gliding out of a classroom. Behind him, Harry could see the wreckage of a large black-and-gold cabinet that appeared to have been dropped from a great height.**

Luna: Aw, did he crash it just for you?

Ginny: Listen and you shall see.

Luna: No, if I listen I will hear not see.

"**I persuaded Peeves to crash it right over Filch's office," said Nick eagerly. "Thought it might distract him —"**

George: But _the boy who lived_ over there didn't even bother to run away.

**"Was that you?" said Harry gratefully. "Yeah, it worked, I didn't even get detention. Thanks, Nick!"**

Horace: Not very Gryffindor of him to let Peeves take all the blame though.

Harry, Ron, Neville, George, Ginny, Michael and Minerva: I would've.

Hermione: You are despicable.

**They set off up the corridor together. Nearly Headless Nick, Harry noticed, was still holding Sir Patrick's rejection letter…**

Hermione: Like Ron when he got a rejection letter from that publisher.

Neville: You wrote a book?

Ron: Yes. But I don't want to talk about it.

Ginny: It was a shock to us all when we found out; I didn't know he could even spell.

"**I wish there was something I could do for you about the Headless Hunt," Harry said. Nearly Headless Nick stopped in his tracks and Harry walked right through him. He wished he hadn't; it was like stepping through an icy shower.**

Harry: I still shiver at the thought of it.

Luna: I quite like it. It's refreshing.

"**But there is something you could do for me," **

Ginny: I knew there would be a catch.

**said Nick excitedly. "Harry — would I be asking too much — but no, you wouldn't want —"**

Harry: No, I wouldn't.

"**What is it?" said Harry.**

Horace: Well, now you're just asking for it.

"**Well, this Halloween will be my five hundredth deathday," said Nearly Headless Nick, drawing himself up and looking dignified.**

Ron: Do ghosts celebrate birthdays as well, then?

Michael: No, most of them are too miserable.

"**Oh," said Harry, not sure whether he should look sorry or happy about this. "Right."**

Hermione: Well, you sound enthusiastic.

"**I'm holding a party down in one of the roomier dungeons. **

Neville: Roomier dungeons? That like saying "one of the warmer ice caps".

**Friends will be coming from all over the country. It would be such an honour if you would attend. **

Harry: Great…

**Mr. Weasley **

Luna: Which one? There are quite a few in case you hadn't noticed.

**and Miss Granger would be most welcome, too, of course — **

Ron: Hooray. Woop-de-doo.

Hermione: Sarcasm suits you.

**but I daresay you'd rather go to the school feast?" He watched Harry on tenterhooks.**

Minerva: Well we do throw one hell of a party.

Michael: You're telling me. I couldn't remember a thing after the last one.

Minerva: Which one was that?

Michael: Gracie's seventeenth birthday.

Horace: Let me fill in the gaps for you: you got drunk passed out in the bathroom and woke up in the morning with your hands tied to a lamppost wearing bunny ears and your underwear.

Michael: That's actually not far from the truth.

"**No," said Harry quickly, "I'll come —"**

Horace: Idiot.

"**My dear boy! Harry Potter, at my deathday party! And —" he hesitated, looking excited "— do you think you could possibly mention to Sir Patrick how very frightening and impressive you find me?"**

Neville: Pfft. The Bloody Baron could take him any day.

Hermione: They're both ghosts - it would make no difference.

"**Of — of course," said Harry.**

Luna: Now you're in for it.

**Nearly Headless Nick beamed at him.**

Horace: Very scary.

"**A deathday party?" said Hermione keenly when Harry had changed at last and joined her and Ron in the common room. "I bet there aren't many living people who can say they've been to one of those **

Michael: There's a reason for that.

— **it'll be fascinating!"**

Ron: Of course. Famous last words.

"**Why would anyone want to celebrate the day they died?" said Ron, who was halfway through his Potions homework and grumpy. "Sounds dead depressing to me…"**

George: Irony.

**Rain was still lashing the windows, which were now inky black, **

Minerva: Peeves' little joke.

**but inside all looked bright and cheerful. **

Ron: It's because Gryffindors are awesome.

**The firelight glowed over the countless squashy armchairs where people sat reading, talking, doing homework **

Hermione: Why is it still called homework when we live at the school for most of the year?

Michael: Because it would be stupid if it was called "dormitory-work".

**or, in the case of Fred and George Weasley, trying to find out what would happen if you fed a Filibuster firework to a salamander. **

Horace: Ah, the classics.

George: Classics? That was an original Weasley idea. Trademark. Copyrighted. Bona fide.

Minerva: Not quite. I tried it one Halloween.

Horace: With interesting results.

Neville: what happened?

Michael: It blew up the Slytherin Common Room.

Minerva: All in the name of science.

Michael: Sure.

**Fred had "rescued" the brilliant orange, fire-dwelling lizard from a Care of Magical Creatures class **

Luna: Poor little thing.

Horace: Don't pity it.

Luna: Why ever not?

Minerva: Don't listen to him. He's bitter from the time a salamander scorched off his moustache.

Ron: Really? It must feel like going bald… Of course, you've experienced both…

Horace: A hundred points from Gryffindor.

Ron: No longer a student. Suck on that.

Horace: Does that mean I can hex him now?

All: NO!

**and it was now smouldering gently on a table surrounded by a knot of curious people.**

Luna: Who paid hardly any attention to it in Care of Magical Creatures.

**Harry was at the point of telling Ron and Hermione about Filch and the Kwikspell course when the salamander suddenly whizzed into the air, emitting loud sparks and bangs as it whirled wildly round the room. **

Michael: At least you were clever enough not to hit it with an engorgement charm.

**The sight of Percy bellowing himself hoarse at Fred and George, **

George: Not that you could hear it over the salamander.

**the spectacular display of tangerine stars showering from the salamander's mouth, and its escape into the fire, with accompanying explosions, drove both Filch and the Kwikspell envelope from Harry's mind.**

Hermione: How fortunate you are to lose your troubles so quickly.

**By the time Halloween arrived, Harry was regretting his rash promise to go to the deathday party. **

Luna: We did warn you.

Harry: Unfortunately, this happened years ago and my thoughts weren't influenced by people talking to a book that I didn't know existed until yesterday.

**The rest of the school was happily anticipating their Halloween feast; **

Minerva: If it is any consolation, it was nowhere near as exciting as the previous years'. I was so tempted to run in shouting about a troll to see what happened.

George: Did you see my turban.

Minerva: Yes I did.

Neville: You know, it actually quite suited you.

**the Great Hall had been decorated with the usual live bats, **

Horace: Not good if you have a phobia of them.

**Hagrid's vast pumpkins had been carved into lanterns large enough for three men to sit in, **

Minerva: Or one Horace.

**and there were rumours that Dumbledore had booked a troupe of dancing skeletons for the entertainment.**

Neville: He didn't.

"**A promise is a promise," Hermione reminded Harry bossily. **

Hermione: She writes that a lot about me.

Ron: Yeah…

**"You said you'd go to the deathday party."**

Hermione: Well you did.

Ron: So you're saying that you've never pretended to be ill to get out of going somewhere?

Hermione: Not that I can remember.

Ron: *Cough* Liar *cough*

**So at seven o'clock, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked straight past the doorway to the packed Great Hall, which was glittering invitingly with gold plates and candles, **

Horace: They're not real gold.

Michael: If they were, he would have stolen them _long_ before now.

**and directed their steps instead toward the dungeons.**

Ron: The most cheery part of the castle.

**The passageway leading to Nearly Headless Nick's party had been lined with candles, too, though the effect was far from cheerful: **

George: They were burning holes through the tapestries. That would not have had much of an effect if it weren't for the fact that, behind one of those particular tapestries, Professor Snape was taking a bath in his private en suite.

Ginny: Ewww. Mental images.

**These were long, thin, jet-black tapers, all burning bright blue, casting a dim, ghostly light even over their own living faces. **

Luna: Lights don't choose to shine on living or dead faces.

**The temperature dropped with every step they took.**

George: By the time they reached the party, their eyebrows were frozen and icicles clung onto the tips of their noses.

Harry: It was that cold.

**As Harry shivered and drew his robes tightly around him, he heard what sounded like a thousand fingernails scraping an enormous blackboard.**

(Everybody grimaces at the thought).

"**Is that supposed to be music?" Ron whispered. **

Horace (pointing at Ron): Is that supposed to be cultured?

Ron (pointing at Horace): Is that supposed to be human?

Hermione: You got served.

Harry: What is up with you today?

**They turned a corner and saw Nearly Headless Nick standing at a doorway hung with black velvet drapes.**

George: Which turned out to be the remnants of Snape's last haircut.

"**My dear friends," he said mournfully. "Welcome, welcome… so pleased you could come…"**

Neville: Such a celebration.

**He swept off his plumed hat and bowed them inside.**

George: Then his head ripped from its sinew hinge and rolled on the floor. Nick joined the Headless Hunt. End of story.

Harry: I wish.

**It was an incredible sight. **

George: There were hundreds and thousands of little Voldie-clones and-

Hermione: Alright, alright, enough with the adding lib.

**The dungeon was full of hundreds of pearly-white, translucent people, **

Ginny (veeeeeery sloooooowly): Or g-h-o-s-t-s. Ghosts.

**mostly drifting around a crowded dance floor, waltzing to the dreadful, quavering sound of thirty musical saws, **

Hermione: There's a new instrument for you to try Ginny.

Ron: What?

Hermione: Ginny is very musically talented, you know. Well… you would know if you actually listened to our conversations when we visit.

Harry (whispering to a bewildered Ron): Don't worry, I don't listen either.

Michael: What do you play?

Ginny: Oh, nothing. Only the flute, guitar, drums, cello, oboe, saxophone, clarinet, ukulele, accordion, bass guitar, recorder, piano, trumpet, French horn, didgeridoo, ocarina, pan pipes, piccolo, sarrusophone, trombone, euphonium and bagpipes. Oh, and I do vocals.

Michael (to Ron): And you never knew all of this?

**played by an orchestra on a raised, **

Ron: Who were all tone deaf.

Ginny :It may surprise you to learn that it is very difficult to get a tune out of a saw, even if it is a musical one.

**black-draped platform. A chandelier overhead blazed midnight-blue with a thousand more black candles. Their breath rose in a mist before them; it was like stepping into a freezer.**

Michael: She's repeating what she said earlier in different words.

"**Shall we have a look around?" Harry suggested, wanting to warm up his feet.**

George: Which were stuck to the icy floor.

"**Careful not to walk through anyone," said Ron nervously, **

Hermione: Your first sensible suggestion of the day. Congratulations.

Ronny: Merlin, someone's stressed.

Hermione: I am NOT stressed.

Ron and Harry: Hormones.

**and they set off around the edge of the dance floor. **

George: Aw, no boogie?

Hermione: I'm sorry, I do believe that phrase was eradicated in the seventies.

**They passed a group of gloomy nuns, **

Neville: Who got depressed after seeing The Sound of Music.

**a ragged man wearing chains, **

Minerva: For more information see Charles Dickens' masterpiece 'A Christmas Carol'.

**and the Fat Friar, a cheerful Hufflepuff ghost, who was talking to a knight with an arrow sticking out of his forehead. **

George: The Fat Friar had to duck every time the knight turned his head. Ah, I love slapstick.

**Harry wasn't surprised to see that the Bloody Baron, a gaunt, staring Slytherin ghost covered in silver bloodstains, was being given a wide berth by the other ghosts.**

Neville: He is scary.

Horace: So are you.

Neville: So is your face.

"**Oh, no," said Hermione, stopping abruptly. "Turn back, turn back, I don't want to talk to Moaning Myrtle —"**

Luna: Well, aren't you nice? She only ever wants a chat.

Hermione: Somehow I am not so sure about that.

"**Who?" said Harry as they backtracked quickly.**

Hermione: Oh, you don't want to know.

"**She haunts one of the toilets in the girls' bathroom on the first floor," said Hermione.**

Luna: Really, once you get to know her she's quite nice. I don't know why everybody avoids her.

Minerva: Really?

"**She haunts a toilet?"**

Neville: Do ghosts have a sense of smell? I hope, for her sake, that they don't.

"**Yes. It's been out-of-order all year because she keeps having tantrums and flooding the place. **

George: With her own tears.

**I never went in there anyway if I could avoid it; it's awful trying to have a pee with her wailing at you —"**

Neville: Too much information.

George: Isn't that a bit… perverse?

"**Look, food!" said Ron.**

Harry: And you're back in the room.

**On the other side of the dungeon was a long table, also covered in black velvet. They approached it eagerly but next moment had stopped in their tracks, horrified. **

George: There, in the centre of the table, was a human head with glassy, staring eyes and a mouth transfixed in a terrified grimace.

**The smell was quite disgusting. **

George: Well, rotting flesh never does smell very nice. Unless, of course, it's a Crying Corpse Caper Set available by owl post form Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, 16 Diagon Alley, London.

**Large, rotten fish were laid on handsome silver platters; **

Minerva: My mistake, that was Horace's dinner.

**cakes, burned charcoal-black, were heaped on salvers; there was a great maggoty haggis, **

Horace: Minerva's dinner.

**a slab of cheese covered in furry green mould **

Ron: They were caterpillars, actually.

**and, in pride of place, an enormous gray cake in the shape of a tombstone, **

Ginny: Just to fit in with the cheerful party atmosphere.

**with tar-like icing forming the words,**

**SIR NICHOLAS DE MIMSY-PORPINGTON**

Luna: Nice name.

**DIED 31ST OCTOBER, 1492**

Ron: He was a very old ghost. We get it.

**Harry watched, amazed, as a portly ghost approached the table, crouched low, and walked through it, his mouth held wide so that it passed through one of the stinking salmon.**

George: Nice choice.

"**Can you taste it if you walk though it?" Harry asked him.**

"**Almost," said the ghost sadly, and he drifted away.**

Harry: Ah, I love ghosts. They're so contented.

"**I expect they've let it rot to give it a stronger flavour," said Hermione knowledgeably, **

Ron: When is she not knowledgeable?

**pinching her nose and leaning closer to look at the putrid haggis.**

Ginny: For what possible reason, no one can fathom.

"**Can we move? I feel sick," said Ron.**

Hermione: Turning down food; there's a first.

**They had barely turned around, however, when a little man swooped suddenly from under the table and came to a halt in midair before them.**

Michael: Bet I can guess who this is.

"**Hello, Peeves," said Harry cautiously.**

George: While holding a large wooden cross and wafting a huge clove of garlic under the poltergeist's nose.

**Unlike the ghosts around them, Peeves the Poltergeist was the very reverse of pale and transparent. He was wearing a bright orange party hat, a revolving bow tie, and a broad grin on his wide, wicked face.**

Ginny: That's never a good sign.

Luna (hopefully): Maybe he just wants a chat…

Harry: I highly doubt that.

"**Nibbles?" he said sweetly, offering them a bowl of peanuts covered in fungus.**

George: Fungus peanuts? Well, that's going on the list.

Hermione: Though I know I'll probably regret asking: What list?

George: A list of new products.

Harry: So you're exploiting my traumas for jokes? Thanks.

"**No thanks," said Hermione.**

Minerva: Good choice.

"**Heard you talking about poor Myrtle," said Peeves, his eyes dancing. "Rude you was about poor Myrtle." **

Ron: Well done, Hermione. You put your foot in it.

Michael: Not as badly as I did at the Ministry ball last year.

Hermione: What happened?

Minerva: Well, Sherlock Holmes here thought it would be a good idea to play detective. He walked up to the Head of the Department of Magical Transportation and said "I see you don't approve of your wife dyeing her hair." Now, Mr. and Mrs. Arcroft both looked quite confused so Mr. Big Mouth ploughed on saying "Well, you see, Mrs. Arcroft has red hair. You have blonde hairs on your shoulder. So Mrs. Arcroft must have dyed her hair from red to blonde and back to red again." He realised, too late, the alternative.

Michael: you know, I don't recall seeing them together at this year's ball.

Minerva: They divorced.

Horace: Delightful as this story has been, can we get on with this one so that I can get out of this place?

**He took a deep breath and bellowed, "OY! MYRTLE!"**

George: You are in for it now.

"**Oh, no, Peeves, don't tell her what I said, she'll be really upset," Hermione whispered frantically. "I didn't mean it, I don't mind her **

Luna: Liar.

— **er, hello, Myrtle."**

**The squat ghost of a girl had glided over. **

George: Fail.

**She had the glummest face Harry had ever seen, half-hidden behind lank hair and thick, pearly spectacles.**

Minerva: She was always like that in school.

Harry: You went to school with Myrtle.

Minerva: She was in her first year when I was a prefect. Anyway, I thought you had figured out the timeline by now?

"**What?" she said sulkily.**

Luna: Oh, now I see why nobody talks to her much.

Hermione: Thank you!

"**How are you, Myrtle?" said Hermione in a falsely bright voice. "It's nice to see you out of the toilet."**

Ron: Oh really?

**Myrtle sniffed.**

Horace: She was imitating Minerva.

"**Miss Granger was just talking about you —" said Peeves slyly in Myrtle's ear. "Just saying —"**

Hermione: I hate Peeves.

"**Just saying — saying — how nice you look tonight," said Hermione, glaring at Peeves.**

Harry: Thank Merlin for quick thinking.

**Myrtle eyed Hermione suspiciously.**

Michael: Yep, she was always suspicious of anybody being nice to her for some reason.

"**You're making fun of me," she said, silver tears welling rapidly in her small, see-through eyes.**

Horace: Here we go again. The amount of times I had to deal with Slytherins who had made the slightest comment about her and she had gone off crying her eyes out…

"**No — honestly — didn't I just say how nice Myrtle's looking?" said Hermione, nudging Harry and Ron painfully in the ribs.**

Ron: A trick still used painfully often today.

"**Oh, yeah —"**

"**She did —"**

Hermione: You are terrible liars.

**"Don't lie to me," Myrtle gasped, tears now flooding down her face, while Peeves chuckled happily over her shoulder. "D'you think I don't know what people call me behind my back? Fat Myrtle! Ugly Myrtle! Miserable, moaning, moping Myrtle!"**

Minerva: Okay - I admit - the last one was my fault.

"**You've forgotten pimply," Peeves hissed in her ear.**

Ron (laughing): Ah, Peeves. What would we do without him?

Hermione: Live a peaceful life.

**Moaning Myrtle burst into anguished sobs and fled from the dungeon. Peeves shot after her, **

Ginny: See, he can be nice.

**pelting her with mouldy peanuts, yelling, "Pimply! Pimply!"**

Ginny: Or not.

"**Oh, dear," said Hermione sadly.**

Minerva: Don't worry. She had already flooded the bathroom that day.

**Nearly Headless Nick now drifted toward them through the crowd.**

"**Enjoying yourselves?"**

Harry, Ron and Hermione: No!

"**Oh, yes," they lied.**

Ginny: But now you're just encouraging him.

"**Not a bad turnout," said Nearly Headless Nick proudly. "The Wailing Widow came all the way up from Kent… It's nearly time for my speech, I'd better go and warn the orchestra…"**

Ron: To put their ear plugs in because it will be overwhelmingly dull.

**The orchestra, however, stopped playing at that very moment. They, and everyone else in the dungeon, fell silent, looking around in excitement, as a hunting horn sounded.**

Harry: Ah, the best bit of the whole party.

"**Oh, here we go," said Nearly Headless Nick bitterly.**

Luna: Bitterness is such an unattractive quality.

Michael: So that's where Sluggy has been going wrong.

Minerva: Trust me darling, that is not it.

**Through the dungeon wall burst a dozen ghost horses, each ridden by a headless horseman. **

Neville: Not much of a surprise after the fifth one.

**The assembly clapped wildly; Harry started to clap, too, but stopped quickly at the sight of Nick's face.**

Horace: Aw, aren't you a good boy.

**The horses galloped into the middle of the dance floor and halted, rearing and plunging. At the front of the pack was a large ghost who held his bearded head under his arm, from which position he was blowing the horn. The ghost leapt down, lifted his head high in the air so he could see over the crowd (everyone laughed), **

Hermione: though I never saw why. It was more creepy than anything.

Ron: You were at a deathday party; what were you expecting, balloons and party food?

Hermione: No. That's a terrible idea of a party.

**and strode over to Nearly Headless Nick, squashing his head back onto his neck.**

Ginny: Ouch.

"**Nick!" he roared. "How are you? Head still hanging in there?"**

Harry: I wish it would just drop off and save him the trouble.

Neville: Can't he get a ghost executioner to chop off the last bit?

Minerva: You know what, that's actually a brilliant idea.

Neville: You sound surprised.

**He gave a hearty guffaw and clapped Nearly Headless Nick on the shoulder.**

Hermione: Sir Pompous Patrick.

"**Welcome, Patrick," said Nick stiffly.**

(George sniggers childishly). _Make of that what you will._

"**Live 'uns!" said Sir Patrick, spotting Harry, Ron, and Hermione and giving a huge, fake jump of astonishment, so that his head fell off again (the crowd howled with laughter).**

Ginny: It really doesn't sound that funny.

Hermione: Oh but it was! It was like rainbows mixed with daisies and puppies. No, not daisies… lilies are better… or roses… or…

Ginny: (Hermione is still mumbling in the background) What happened to her?

Minerva: Sorry. I shot a stress-busting charm at her. I didn't mean for it to turn her into a hippy. It should wear off in an hour or so… I hope.

Hermione:… and unicorns and sunshine and…

"**Very amusing," said Nearly Headless Nick darkly.**

"**Don't mind Nick!" shouted Sir Patrick's head from the floor. "Still upset we won't let him join the Hunt! But I mean to say — look at the fellow —"**

Neville: Below the belt.

"**I think," said Harry hurriedly, at a meaningful look from Nick, "Nick's very — frightening and — er —"**

Hermione: And funny!

Harry: Yeah… of course.

"**Ha!" yelled Sir Patrick's head.** "**Bet he asked you to say that!"**

Michael: You really are a bad liar.

"**If I could have everyone's attention, it's time for my speech!" said Nearly Headless Nick loudly, striding toward the podium and climbing into an icy blue spotlight.**

Minerva: Here we go!

"**My late lamented lords, ladies, and gentlemen, it is my great sorrow…"**

Neville: It's not a funeral.

Luna: It's a deathday party - that's as close as you can get.

Hermione: Well somebody needs to cheer up a bit!

**But nobody heard much more. **

George: They were too bored.

**Sir Patrick and the rest of the Headless Hunt had just started a game of Head Hockey and the crowd were turning to watch. **

Luna: I never knew ghosts were so rude.

Harry: Have you ever met Peeves?

**Nearly Headless Nick tried vainly to recapture his audience, but gave up as Sir Patrick's head went sailing past him to loud cheers.**

Ron: Only because it shut him up.

Neville: Which one?

Ron: Both of them.

**Harry was very cold by now, not to mention hungry.**

Ron: I wish she would stop mentioning food.

"**I can't stand much more of this," Ron muttered, his teeth chattering, as the orchestra ground back into action and the ghosts swept back onto the dance floor.**

Luna: How do ghosts dance?

Hermione: Like petals on a breeze.

Ron: They didn't. They just floated on the spot.

"**Let's go," Harry agreed.**

Ron: FINALLY!

**They backed toward the door, nodding and beaming at anyone who looked at them, and a minute later were hurrying back up the passageway full of black candles.**

"**Pudding might not be finished yet," said Ron hopefully, leading the way toward the steps to the entrance hall.**

Harry: Really, mate, you ought to get that hunger thing checked out.

**And then Harry heard it.**

"… **rip… tear… kill…"**

George: What was actually said was "snip hair will".

Ginny: That doesn't even make sense.

Hermione: It would if Yoda said it.

**It was the same voice, the same cold, murderous voice he had heard in Lockhart's office.**

Michael: Oh dear.

**He stumbled to a halt, clutching at the stone wall, listening with all his might, looking around, squinting up and down the dimly lit passageway.**

Michael: He had had a few too many Firewhiskies at the deathday party.

"**Harry, what're you —?"**

"**It's that voice again — shut up a minute —"**

Neville: So nice to your friends.

Harry. Yep. That's why Hermione sent a hex at you in first year to stop you moving.

"… **soo hungry… for so long…"**

Ginny: Sounds like Ron.

"**Listen!" said Harry urgently, and Ron and Hermione froze, watching him.**

"… **kill… time to kill…"**

Hermione: Killing is bad.

Ginny: I can't take much more of this.

Minerva: Sorry.

**The voice was growing fainter. Harry was sure it was moving away — moving upward. A mixture of fear and excitement gripped him as he stared at the dark ceiling; how could it be moving upward? **

George (donning some - rather fetching - Professory glasses and the voice of an old man): Numerous methods are usually undertaken in the act of moving upwards. For example, broomstick flying, stair climbing or, more unusually, Floo powder transportation.

Horace: Where did you get those glasses?

George: Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, 16 Diagon Allwy -

Ginny: Yes, we know.

**Was it a phantom, to whom stone ceilings didn't matter?**

Ginny: Wrong.

"**This way," he shouted, and he began to run, up the stairs, into the entrance hall. It was no good hoping to hear anything here, the babble of talk from the Halloween feast was echoing out of the Great Hall. Harry sprinted up the marble staircase to the first floor, Ron and Hermione clattering behind him.**

Ron: We weren't wearing suits of armour!

"**Harry, what're we —"**

"**SHH!"**

Neville: Like I said, you're so nice to your friends.

**Harry strained his ears. Distantly, from the floor above, and growing fainter still, he heard the voice: "… I smell blood… I SMELL BLOOD!"**

Harry: Gulp.

**His stomach lurched —**

"**It's going to kill someone!" he shouted, and ignoring Ron's and Hermione's bewildered faces, **

Ron: I properly thought you were going bonkers. Sorry.

Harry: Charming.

**he ran up the next flight of steps three at a time, trying to listen over his own pounding footsteps — Harry hurtled around the whole of the second floor, Ron and Hermione panting behind him, **

Ron: We should have run more.

Hermione: Running is fun…

**not stopping until they turned a corner into the last, deserted passage.**

Horace: I can just feel the melodrama radiating from this book. It's deserted but some terrible thing will jump out at them in a minute.

"**Harry, what was that all about?" said Ron, wiping sweat off his face. "I couldn't hear anything…"**

Ginny: Well you never listen.

**But Hermione gave a sudden gasp, pointing down the corridor.**

"**Look!"**

Hermione: Ooh, did someone say my name?

**Something was shining on the wall ahead. **

Hermione: Like the moon!

Ginny: Honestly, that was one hell of a strong spell.

**They approached slowly, squinting through the darkness. **

Ginny: Ms. Rowling needs to stop repeating herself.

**Foot-high words had been daubed on the wall between two windows, shimmering in the light cast by the flaming torches.**

**THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED.**

George: Shi- (Looks at Minerva, who glares back at him) -ver me timbers. Well I'll be…

**ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE**

Minerva: Well that's… pretty much everybody.

"**What's that thing — hanging underneath?" said Ron, a slight quiver in his voice.**

Horace: And you call yourself a Gryffindor.

**As they edged nearer, Harry almost slipped — there was a large puddle of water on the floor; **

George: Ron, the toilets were only around the corner!

**Ron and Hermione grabbed him, and they inched toward the message, eyes fixed on a dark shadow beneath it. All three of them realized what it was at once, and leapt backward with a splash.**

George: It was Nearly Headless Nick's severed head.

**Mrs. Norris, the caretaker's cat, was hanging by her tail from the torch bracket. **

Neville: What I wouldn't give to have been the one to put her up there.

**She was stiff as a board, her eyes wide and staring.**

George :She was doing an impression of Filch.

**For a few seconds, they didn't move. Then Ron said, "Let's get out of here."**

Luna: So attuned to the animal kingdom.

"**Shouldn't we try and help —" Harry began awkwardly.**

Luna: There's a gentleman.

George: Really?

"**Trust me," said Ron. "We don't want to be found here."**

Ginny: Really, you are outdoing yourself, Ronald.

Ron: Oh no. Full name; what did I do wrong?

**But it was too late. A rumble, as though of distant thunder, told them that the feast had just ended. **

Ron: Just our luck.

**From either end of the corridor where they stood came the sound of hundreds of feet climbing the stairs, **

Horace: Actually, it was just Minerva.

Minerva: You do know that I don't need my wand to do magic, don't you?

Horace: Meh. What are you going to do?

Minerva: I'm going to transfigure you into a frog when you least expect it.

Horace: I look forward to it.

**and the loud, happy talk of well-fed people; **

Ron: Unlike ourselves.

**next moment, students were crashing into the passage from both ends.**

George: No euphemisms intended.

**The chatter, the bustle, the noise died suddenly as the people in front spotted the hanging cat. **

Ginny: And the people behind crashed into them.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood alone, in the middle of the corridor, as silence fell among the mass of students pressing forward to see the grisly sight.**

Horace: Nothing like some petrification to get students moving.

**Then someone shouted through the quiet.**

Neville: That was nice of them.

**"Enemies of the Heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods!"**

(Neville, Michael, Harry and Minerva all wince).

Minerva: Foul child.

**It was Draco Malfoy. He had pushed to the front of the crowd, his cold eyes alive, his usually bloodless face flushed, **

Ron: He fancied the cat.

**as he grinned at the sight of the hanging, immobile cat.**

Luna: He's as cheerful as the ghosts.

_A/N: Just another note. The story about Michael "putting his foot in it" was taken from my favourite film ever, Murder By Death (it's absolutely hilarious and has the amazing Maggie Smith in it) - I do not own it… unfortunately._


	9. You'd Have To Be Really Thick

_A/N: Again, I apologize profusely for lateness… please don't hurt me…_

**CHAPTER NINE - The Writing On the Wall**

George: Well, there's a title of impending doom.

Luna: You can say that again.

Ginny: Not literally. We've been through this before.

"**What's going on here? What's going on?"**

Michael: What's going down dog?

Harry: What?

Michael: Isn't that what the kids are saying these days?

Neville: No. Just… no.

**Attracted no doubt by Malfoy's **

Hermione: Impeccably shiny hair.

Ron: Excuse me.

Hermione: Which is overshadowed completely by dear Ronald's amazing locks.

Ron: That's better!

**shout, Argus Filch came shouldering his way through the crowd. Then he saw Mrs. Norris and fell back, clutching his face in horror.**

"**My cat! My cat! What's happened to Mrs. Norris?" he shrieked.**

Neville: Everybody run, we have a banshee on campus.

George: Not even I would sink to the depths of that failed joke.

**And his popping eyes fell on Harry.**

Michael: I hope you cleaned those up afterwards.

Harry: You disgust me.

Michael: I try.

"**You!" he screeched. "You! You've murdered my cat! You've killed her! I'll kill you! I'll —"**

George: " -Stay well away because I'm a Squib and you have a wand."

Ron: If only.

"**Argus!"**

Horace: Stupid name. Who names their child after a mythological figure, anyway?

(Minerva clears her throat).

Horace: Yes? May I help you?

Michael: Don't worry, Min, I happen to think that a goddess's name is rather appropriate for you.

Ginny and Luna: Aww.

George: You soppy gits.

**Dumbledore had arrived on the scene, followed by a number of other teachers. **

Neville: Dumbledore and the Starlets.

Ginny: What?

Neville: Like a singer and backing singers, I… never mind…

(George is shaking his head at Neville's terrible comedic attempts).

**In seconds, he had swept past Harry, Ron, and Hermione and detached Mrs. Norris from the torch bracket.**

Luna: The Flimppixies could have done that for him.

Horace: Would have saved him a lot of dead cat germs.

Harry: The cat didn't die.

Horace: It did last year, isn't that right, Minerva?

Minerva: (mumbling).

Horace: Pardon me?

Minerva: It wasn't my fault!

Horace: I beg to differ.

Ginny: What happened?

Horace: Our ever so "graceful" headmistress kicked it down the stairs.

Minerva: I maintain that it was a horrible accident.

Neville: We'll believe you, Minerva. Thousands wouldn't.

"**Come with me, Argus," he said to Filch. "You, too, Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger."**

Ginny: Oh, you are in trouble!

Michael: That is out of the ordinary?

**Lockhart stepped forward eagerly.**

(Harry, Ron, George and Minerva let out a collective "URGH!" of disgust).

"**My office is nearest, Headmaster — just upstairs — please feel free —"**

"**Thank you, Gilderoy," said Dumbledore.**

Luna: See? Some people can be nice to Professor Lockhart.

**The silent crowd parted to let them pass. Lockhart, looking excited and important, **

Minerva: Like a child when you tell them that you need them to do a very special job that turns out to be some sort of chore you don't want to do.

Luna: How are your children not crazy by now?

Neville: You're a fine one to talk.

**hurried after Dumbledore; so did Professors McGonagall and Snape.**

Horace: The ever faithful lapdogs.

George: At least you didn't say lap dancers.

Ron: You damaged child…

**As they entered Lockhart's darkened office there was a flurry of movement across the walls; Harry saw several of the Lockharts in the pictures dodging out of sight, their hair in rollers. **

Minerva: How much of a narcissist can you be?

**The real Lockhart lit the candles on his desk and stood back. **

Ginny: Because he was scared of getting burned.

**Dumbledore lay Mrs. Norris on the polished surface and began to examine her. **

George: Ewww!

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged tense looks and sank into chairs outside the pool of candlelight, watching.**

**The tip of Dumbledore's long, crooked nose was barely an inch from Mrs. Norris's fur. **

George: I repeat: Ewww!

**He was looking at her closely through his half-moon spectacles, his long fingers gently prodding and poking. **

Minerva: That is disgusting.

**Professor McGonagall was bent almost as close, her eyes narrowed. **

Michael: You were saying?

**Snape loomed behind them, half in shadow, wearing a most peculiar expression: It was as though he was trying hard not to smile. **

Ron: Well, we did think the cat was dead.

**And Lockhart was hovering around all of them, making suggestions.**

Horace: No change there, then.

"**It was definitely a curse that killed her — probably the Transmogrifian Torture — **

Luna: The Trans-what?

Minerva: It does not exist. I cannot believe he would try and pull that one in front of two Transfiguration teachers.

**I've seen it used many times, so unlucky I wasn't there, I know the very counter-curse that would have saved her…"**

Hermione: I highly doubt that!

Ron: That's not what you were saying at the time.

Hermione: I don't know what you mean, Ronald!

Ron: Come off it! You fancied the guy!

(Hermione is left speechless and blushing furiously.

**Lockhart's comments were punctuated by Filch's dry, racking sobs. **

Harry: I almost fell sorry for him… _almost._

**He was slumped in a chair by the desk, unable to look at Mrs. Norris, his face in his hands. Much as he detested Filch, Harry couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him, **

George: Ahem. You were saying?

Harry: I was only a kid! I had yet to understand the concept of utter lunatics. No offence, Luna.

Luna: I am deaf to negative energies, Harry. Criticize all you want.

George: Really?

Minerva and Michael: NO!

**though not nearly as sorry as he felt for himself .**

Ginny: Well, that's nice of you.

**If Dumbledore believed Filch, he would be expelled for sure.**

Neville: And then this author would have lost out on a fortune.

**Dumbledore was now muttering strange words under his breath and tapping Mrs. Norris with his wand **

George: Kinky.

Michael: You are one filthy fellow.

George: Look who's talking!

**but nothing happened. **

George: He's not doing it right.

**She continued to look as though she had been recently stuffed.**

"**I remember something very similar happening in Ouagadogou," **

Hermione: Where the heck is that?

**said Lockhart, **

Hermione: Oh, that explains it.

**"a series of attacks, the full story's in my autobiography, I was able to provide the townsfolk with various amulets, which cleared the matter up at once…"**

Ron: Of course you did…

Hermione: Actually, some of that could be based in fact. The procedure of charming an amulet to safeguard against -

Ron: -'Mione, just stop. We all know he was a fraud.

**The photographs of Lockhart on the walls were all nodding in agreement as he talked. **

Minerva: Well, they would. They were just as narcissistic as him.

**One of them had forgotten to remove his hair net.**

Neville: HA!

Luna: That isn't actually that funny.

**At last Dumbledore straightened up.**

Horace: Only physically. He was still gay, of course.

"**She's not dead, Argus," he said softly.**

George: Damn it! Wait… I already knew that…

**Lockhart stopped abruptly in the middle of counting the number of murders he had prevented.**

Michael: How hard is it to count to zero?

"**Not dead?" choked Filch, looking through his fingers at Mrs. Norris. "But why's she all — all stiff and frozen?"**

Neville: That's what she said!

George: Neville! That was actually a decent joke. High five, my friend!

"**She has been Petrified," said Dumbledore **

Neville: Yeah, petrified of your face!

Ginny: No.

**("Ah! I thought so!" said Lockhart). **

All: Pffft.

**"But how, I cannot say…"**

Ron: Bet Lockhart could have.

"**Ask him!" shrieked Filch, turning his blotched and tearstained face to Harry.**

"**No second year could have done this," said Dumbledore firmly. "it would take Dark Magic of the most advanced —"**

"**He did it, he did it!" **

Luna: Of course he did.

George: I think Filch was losing it by this point.

**Filch spat, his pouchy face purpling. **

Michael: Has anyone realised the similarities between Filch's description and Toadface Umbridge?

**"You saw what he wrote on the wall! **

Michael: Where is his proof?

**He found — in my office — he knows I'm a — I'm a —" Filch's face worked horribly. "He knows I'm a Squib!" he finished.**

George: So he's not as in denial as we thought.

"**I never touched Mrs. Norris!" Harry said loudly, uncomfortably aware of everyone looking at him, including all the Lockharts on the walls. **

Harry: It still makes me shiver.

**"And I don't even know what a Squib is."**

Luna: A descendant of a magical lineage who possesses no magical ability themselves.

Neville: Erm… thanks for clearing that up, Luna.

**"Rubbish!" snarled Filch. "He saw my Kwikspell letter!"**

Hermione: Yes, tell everybody. That's very clever.

"**If I might speak, Headmaster," said Snape from the shadows, **

Michael: Quite one for dramatic effect.

**and Harry's sense of foreboding increased; he was sure nothing Snape had to say was going to do him any good.**

George: You're learning fast.

"**Potter and his friends may have simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time," **

Hermione: As-per-bloody-usual!

**he said, a slight sneer curling his mouth as though he doubted it. **

Horace: Oh ye of little faith!

**"But we do have a set of suspicious circumstances here. **

Ginny: Ooh, hark at him! He's turning into a regular little police inspector.

**Why was he in the upstairs corridor at all? Why wasn't he at the Halloween feast?"**

Harry: We're not all pigs…

**Harry, Ron and Hermione all launched into an explanation about the deathday party. "… there were hundreds of ghosts, they'll tell you we were there —"**

Michael: I doubt anyone really cares.

"**But why not join the feast afterward?" said Snape, his black eyes glittering in the candlelight. **

Neville: That doesn't sound good.

**"Why go up to that corridor?"**

Minerva: Why avoid shampoo?

**Ron and Hermione looked at Harry.**

Harry: Thanks guys -

Hermione: You're the best at making up stories.

Harry: But you're the one who makes up _good_ stories.

Ron: And I'm just a page filler.

Ginny: Awww, poor Won-Won!

"**Because — because —" Harry said, his heart thumping very fast; **

Ron: Think fast!

**something told him it would sound very far-fetched if he told them he had been led there by a bodiless voice no one but he could hear, **

Horace: No way?

Michael: Your sarcasm is terrible.

Horace: Screw you, sir!

**"because we were tired and wanted to go to bed," he said.**

(George opens his mouth to speak).

Harry: NOT together!

(George sinks dejectedly into his chair).

"**Without any supper?" **

Neville: The horror!

Michael: Take note, Horace, old boy. _That_ is sarcasm.

**said Snape, a triumphant smile flickering across his gaunt face. "I didn't think ghosts provided food fit for living people at their parties."**

Luna: You really should have known that, Harry; you were there after all.

Harry: Well excuse me for not having prepared an excuse for finding a petrified cat and a blood-soaked wall!

"**We weren't hungry," said Ron loudly as his stomach gave a huge rumble.**

Neville: What timing!

**Snape's nasty smile widened.**

Horace: I quite liked his smile.

Hermione: What?

Horace: He had good teeth.

Luna: Actually, now that you mention it, I suppose he did.

Ron: I've said it before and I will say it again: you are such weirdoes!

"**I suggest, Headmaster, that Potter is not being entirely truthful," he said. "It might be a good idea if he were deprived of certain privileges until he is ready to tell us the **

**whole story. **

Ginny: What a douche.

Minerva: Should I ask?

Hermione: No. It's disgusting.

**I personally feel he should be taken off the Gryffindor Quidditch team until he is ready to be honest."**

George: Just because the Slytherin team sucked…

"**Really, Severus," said Professor McGonagall sharply, "I see no reason to stop the boy playing Quidditch. This cat wasn't hit over the head with a broomstick. **

Horace: That's interesting logic.

**There is no evidence at all that Potter has done anything wrong."**

George: You go, McG!

**Dumbledore was giving Harry a searching look. His twinkling light-blue gaze made Harry feel as though he were being X-rayed.**

Hermione: This J.K. Rowling seems to think you're a sci-fi nut, Harry.

Neville: There's nothing wrong with sci-fi…

"**Innocent until proven guilty, Severus," he said firmly.**

Horace: How original.

**Snape looked furious.**

Ron: Well, there's something you don't see every day.

**So did Filch.**

Ron: Ditto.

"**My cat has been Petrified!" **

Horace: Pity they couldn't have chosen another cat.

Minerva: And what exactly do you mean by that?

(Horace gulps).

**he shrieked, his eyes popping. "I want to see some punishment!"**

Minerva: Honestly, I think he is addicted to bondage, or something.

Ginny: Of all the people in the world, I would never expect that to come out of your mouth.

Michael: I could insert a rather vulgar joke about things coming into her mouth too.

Ginny: I completely expected that to come out of _your_ mouth.

Minerva: Dirty boy.

Neville: Shut up! Shut up, I can't take it any more!

"**We will be able to cure her, Argus," **

Harry: Shame.

**said Dumbledore patiently. "Professor Sprout recently managed to procure some Mandrakes. **

Luna: What a lucky coincidence.

**As soon as they have reached their full size, I will have a potion made that will revive Mrs. Norris."**

"**I'll make it," Lockhart butted in. **

Minerva: For Merlin's sake, man! Accept that you really cannot do _anything_ and let us all get on with our lives.

Horace: We could get along with them more happily if you would stop shouting at a book.

**"I must have done it a hundred times. I could whip up a Mandrake Restorative Draught in my sleep —"**

Luna: I doubt that. It would be too dangerous, you'd just injure someone.

Neville: Luna, you're worse than the health and safety inspectors.

"**Excuse me," said Snape icily. "But I believe I am the Potions master at this school."**

Horace: Ahem.

**There was a very awkward pause.**

George: And Gilderoy couldn't take it anymore, so he seized Severus by the face and planted a great big, sloppy kiss on his lips.

Ginny: George… cool down…

"**You may go," Dumbledore said to Harry, Ron, and Hermione.**

Ron: Hoorah! We're saved!

**They went, as quickly as they could without actually running. **

Horace: You see, Minerva, what these children will do to get away from the sight of your face?

Minerva: Now, where did I put my wand?

**When they were a floor up from Lockhart's office, **

Minerva: And they could still feel the emanating narcissism that went with him wherever he ventured.

**they turned into an empty classroom and closed the door quietly behind them. Harry squinted at his friends' darkened faces.**

George: Sorry, "friends"?

Hermione: Shut up!

George: Yes, Miss…

"**D'you think I should have told them about that voice I heard?"**

Horace: Oh, no, no, no.

Ginny: They tried to make me go to Rehab, but I said "no, no, no"!

Luna: I beg your pardon.

Ginny: Never mind… it's a Muggle song.

"**No," said Ron, without hesitation. "Hearing voices no one else can hear isn't a good sign, even in the wizarding world."**

Hermione: Wow… Ron said something sensible, for a change.

Ron: I have my moments.

**Something in Ron's voice made Harry ask, "You do believe me, don't you?"**

Ron: No, Harry. No I don't.

"'**Course I do," said Ron quickly. "But — you must admit it's weird…"**

Harry: What about me isn't weird?

"**I know it's weird," said Harry. "The whole thing's weird. What was that writing on the wall about? The Chamber Has Been Opened… What's that supposed to mean?"**

Michael: Well -

Horace: Enough of your innuendoes!

(Michael sighs).

"**You know, it rings a sort of bell," **

Luna: I didn't know there were bells at Hogwarts.

(Everyone stares at her).

Luna: I'm only joking. I know what the expression means.

**said Ron slowly. "I think someone told me a story about a secret chamber at Hogwarts once… might've been Bill…"**

Minerva: Oh, trust Bill!

"**And what on earth's a Squib?" said Harry.**

George: Awww, poor ickle Harry!

**To his surprise, Ron stifled a snigger.**

Ginny: Well that was nice of you.

**"Well — it's not funny really — but as it's Filch," **

Ginny: It's bloody hilarious!

**he said. "A Squib is someone who was born into a wizarding family but hasn't got any magic powers. Kind of the opposite of Muggle-born wizards, but Squibs are quite unusual. **

Hermione: And Muggle-borns aren't?

**If Filch's trying to learn magic from a Kwikspell course, I reckon he must be a Squib. It would explain a lot. Like why he hates students so much." **

Michael: This theory sounds interesting.

**Ron gave a satisfied smile. "He's bitter."**

Neville: Well said!

**A clock chimed somewhere.**

"**Midnight," said Harry. **

Minerva: Not melodramatic at all…

"**We'd better get to bed before Snape comes along and tries to frame us for something else."**

Luna: Like murder.

(These grim words were spoken with a light-heartedness which caused most of the group to shiver or stare in disbelief).

**For a few days, the school could talk of little else but the attack on Mrs. Norris. **

Minerva: That's how dull this place really is. They all think it's glamour and intrigue but it's not! It's a bloody nightmare sometimes!

George: You seem to have released some bitterness there.

**Filch kept it fresh in everyone's minds by pacing the spot where she had been attacked, as though he thought the attacker might come back. **

Hermione: He reads too many crime dramas.

**Harry had seen him scrubbing the message on the wall with Mrs. Skower's **

Luna: What a clever name!

**All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover, but to no effect; the words still gleamed as brightly as ever on the stone. **

Neville: They've faded now, though. Thank Merlin.

**When Filch wasn't guarding the scene of the crime, he was skulking red-eyed through the corridors, lunging out at unsuspecting students and trying to put them in detention for things like "breathing loudly' and "looking happy."**

Horace: Minerva, I thought that was your job.

**Ginny Weasley seemed very disturbed by Mrs. Norris's fate. According to Ron, she was a great cat lover.**

Minerva: And what, may I ask, is wrong with that?

Horace: Would you like a list?

(Both Ginny and Minerva glare at him).

**"But you haven't really got to know Mrs. Norris," Ron told her bracingly. **

Hermione: And you wouldn't want to.

**"Honestly, we're much better off without her." **

George: Hallelujah!

**Ginny's lip trembled. **

George: Aw, aren't you cute?

Ginny: I like to think so!

Ron (whispering to Harry): That doesn't make it true!

Ginny: I HEARD THAT!

**"Stuff like this doesn't often happen at Hogwarts," Ron assured her. **

Minerva: Not until you turned up, it didn't!

Horace: Need I remind you of the chandelier incident?

Minerva: You wouldn't dare!

Horace: Oh, wouldn't I? Well, children, your esteemed Headmistress here -

Minerva: Is about to throttle the Potions teacher if he insists on blurting out the rest of this little anecdote!

**"They'll catch the maniac who did it and have him out of here in no time. **

Ginny: Thanks, Ronald!

Ron: Well, it was the maniac who had control of you. I wasn't necessarily calling you a maniac…

Ginny: Necessarily?

(Her wand flinches dangerously in her hand).

**I just hope he's got time to Petrify Filch before he's expelled.**

George (blissfully): Ahh, if only.

**I'm only joking —" Ron added hastily as Ginny blanched.**

**The attack had also had an effect on Hermione. It was quite usual for Hermione to spend a lot of time reading, **

Neville: You're not kidding!

**but she was now doing almost nothing else. **

Harry: And that is different than normal, how?

**Nor could Harry and Ron get much response from her when they asked what she was up to, and not until the following Wednesday did they find out.**

Hermione: Because I'm a woman of mystery.

Ron: If you say so, dear.

Minerva (to Michael): Aw, look at them all grown up.

Michael: Don't you start getting broody.

Minerva: Oh Merlin, no.

**Harry had been held back in Potions, where Snape had made him stay behind to scrape tubeworms off the desks. **

Horace: There are some there now if you fancy doing it again!

**After a hurried lunch, he went upstairs to meet Ron in the library, and saw Justin Finch-Fletchley, the Hufflepuff boy from Herbology, coming towards him. Harry had just opened his mouth to say hello when Justin caught sight of him, turned abruptly, and sped off in the opposite direction.**

George: I think that means you need to shower more often.

**Harry found Ron at the back of the library, measuring his History of Magic homework. Professor Binns had asked for a three foot long composition on "The Medieval Assembly of European Wizards."**

Michael: There isn't that much to write about it: A load of old blokes gathered around in France and made up some stuff.

Ron: Exactly my point!

"**I don't believe it, I'm still eight inches short," **

George: HA!

(Ron throws a screwed up piece of paper at him that had just appeared in the Room of Requirement).

**said Ron furiously, letting go of his parchment, which sprang back into a roll. "And Hermione's done four feet seven inches and her writing's tiny."**

Hermione: Actually, it was mostly repeating things I had already written in slightly different words.

Ron: Yeah, if you say so.

"**Where is she?" asked Harry, grabbing the tape measure and unrolling his own homework.**

Harry: It was only about a foot long…

"**Somewhere over there," said Ron, pointing along the shelves. "Looking for another book. I think she's trying to read the whole library before Christmas."**

Hermione: That would be ridiculous, Ronald.

Ron: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

**Harry told Ron about Justin Finch-Fletchley running away from him.**

George: Because he smelled.

**"Dunno why you care. I thought he was a bit of an idiot," **

Harry: Cheers, mate.

**said Ron, scribbling away, making his writing as large as possible. **

Ron: Half a page for one sentence, I think that's some sort of record.

**"All that junk about Lockhart being so great —"**

Horace: Don't get Minerva started.

**Hermione emerged from between the bookshelves. She looked irritable and at last seemed ready to talk to them.**

Ginny: Not by choice, though.

"**All the copies of Hogwarts, A History have been taken out," **

Harry: But by this point you had read it about seventy times.

**she said, sitting down next to Harry and Ron. "And there's a two-week waiting list. I wish I hadn't left my copy at home, but I couldn't fit it in my trunk with all the Lockhart books."**

Minerva: Narcissist.

Luna: I believe you've said that one already.

"**Why do you want it?" said Harry.**

"**The same reason everyone else wants it," said Hermione, "to read up on the legend of the Chamber of Secrets."**

George: I feel like there should be some sort of dark tune here.

"**What's that?" said Harry quickly.**

"**That's just it. I can't remember," said Hermione, biting her lip. **

Neville: Well, there's a first time for everything.

**"And I can't find the story anywhere else —"**

Horace: Oh, that would just be because everyone tried to hush it up afterwards.

"**Hermione, let me read your homework," said Ron desperately, checking his watch.**

Minerva: Mr. Weasley?

Ron: I didn't do it that often. I swear.

"**No, I won't," said Hermione, suddenly severe. "You've had ten days to finish it —"**

Harry: Which was nowhere near long enough.

"**I only need another two inches, come on —"**

Ginny: Maybe if you had started earlier, you wouldn't need to copy.

**The bell rang. Ron and Hermione led the way to History of Magic, bickering.**

Neville: Like a married couple, already!

Michael: we don't bicker that much, do we?

Minerva: Not really. Apart from that time you didn't warn me that you were going out and then turned up, completely out of your head, at ten o'clock the next morning.

Michael: I stick to what I said, I did tell you the day before!

Minerva: No you didn't.

Michael: Merlin, women know how to hold a grudge.

Minerva: Excuse me? If you weren't such a -

Luna: Can we stop this now, please?

(Shocked by her sudden assertiveness, the room turns to silence).

**History of Magic was the dullest subject on their schedule. Professor Binns, who taught it, was their only ghost teacher, and the most exciting thing that ever happened in his classes was his entering the room through the blackboard. **

Harry: Which was pretty awesome, I have to say.

**Ancient and shrivelled, **

George: Well, isn't Rowling a charmer?

**many people said he hadn't noticed he was dead. He had simply got up to teach one day and left his body behind him in an armchair in front of the staff room fire; **

Horace: Well, that's not quite true.

Luna: What happened?

George: Yeah, what went down?

Minerva: HORACE SLUGHORN, DON'T YOU DARE! I'm already annoyed, don't make it worse for yourself.

**his routine had not varied in the slightest since.**

Ginny: Well, I'm not sure he died every day.

**Today was as boring as ever. Professor Binns opened his notes and began to read in a flat drone like an old vacuum cleaner **

Neville: Vacuum cleaner?

Hermione: Muggle contraption used to suck up dirt from the floor.

**until nearly everyone in the class was in a deep stupor, **

George: Which is quite normal for this bunch of fools.

**occasionally coming to long enough to copy down a name or date, then falling asleep again. **

Hermione: This is why you never did well in History of Magic.

**He had been speaking for half an hour when something happened that had never happened before. Hermione put up her hand.**

Luna: Well, that happens all the time!

Hermione: I think they mean that no-one had ever put their hand up in his class before. I'm quite proud of that fact.

**Professor Binns, glancing up in the middle of a deadly dull lecture on the International Warlock Convention of 1289, looked amazed.**

Horace (with a glare at Minerva): At least _he_ knows his lessons are boring.

"**Miss — er —?"**

George: Finally! A teacher who doesn't know Hermione's name.

"**Granger, Professor. I was wondering if you could tell us anything about the Chamber of Secrets," said Hermione in a clear voice.**

Ginny: Wow, girl! You've got guts!

Hermione: And you hadn't figured that out after all the battles and war?

**Dean Thomas, who had been sitting with his mouth hanging open, gazing out of the window, jerked out of his trance; Lavender Brown's head came up off her arms and Neville Longbottom's elbow slipped off his desk.**

Neville: Smooth.

**Professor Binns blinked.**

George: He was stunned.

"**My subject is History of Magic," he said in his dry, wheezy voice. "I deal with facts, Miss Granger, not myths and legends." **

Harry: Kind of was fact, though, wasn't it?

**He cleared his throat with a small noise like chalk slipping and continued, "In September of that year, a subcommittee of Sardinian sorcerers —"**

George: Ah, the old, completely ignore the question trick.

**He stuttered to a halt. Hermione's hand was waving in the air again.**

Ron: She never knew when to give up.

"**Miss Grant?"**

Hermione: Granger.

"**Please, sir, don't legends always have a basis in fact?"**

Minerva: Good call.

**Professor Binns was looking at her in such amazement, Harry was sure no student had ever interrupted him before, alive or dead.**

Hermione: Again, another record I am proud of.

"**Well," said Professor Binns slowly, "yes, one could argue that, I suppose." He peered at Hermione as though he had never seen a student properly before. **

Neville: Some people just have a talent for mindless droning…

**"However, the legend of which you speak is such a very sensational, even ludicrous tale —"**

Ron: Not so ludicrous to be false, though.

**But the whole class was now hanging on Professor Binns's every word. **

Harry: For the first time in his teaching career.

**He looked dimly at them all, every face turned to his. Harry could tell he was completely thrown by such an unusual show of interest.**

Horace: That's the mark of a bad teacher.

Minerva: Really? Nobody seems to pay attention to your lessons, either, by the look of this year's predicted grades.

"**Oh, very well," he said slowly. "Let me see… the Chamber of Secrets…**

"**You all know, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago — the precise date is uncertain — by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age.**

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, George and Luna: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. We know!

**The four school Houses are named after them: Godric Gryffindor, **

Horace: Why does everyone always put Gryffindor first?

Minerva: Because we're the best.

**Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. **

Minerva: And they all have alliterated names.

Luna: So do you.

Michael: And you.

Neville: You too!

George: You don't, though, mate. Sorry.

**They built this castle together, far from prying Muggle eyes, for it was an age when magic was feared by common people, and witches and wizards suffered much persecution."**

George: Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Sorry, just getting into the spirit of the text.

**He paused, gazed blearily around the room, and continued.**

"**For a few years, the founders worked in harmony together, seeking out youngsters who showed signs of magic and bringing them to the castle to be educated. **

Luna: I bet that was a slow system.

George: How did they manage that? Did they run around with nets searching for them?

**But then disagreements sprang up between them. **

Harry (sarcastically): Oh, and doesn't that make a change.

**A rift began to grow between Slytherin and the others. **

Horace: A rift that, sadly, has remained to this day.

**Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed that magical learning should be kept within all-magic families. **

Minerva: If it had, I very much doubt we would be sitting around this table today.

**He disliked taking students of Muggle parentage, believing them to be untrustworthy. **

Hermione: What a git!

**After a while, there was a serious argument on the subject between Slytherin and Gryffindor, and Slytherin left the school."**

Horace: See? Gryffindors push everybody out.

All but Horace and Luna: SHUT UP!

**Professor Binns paused again, pursing his lips, looking like a wrinkled old tortoise.**

Michael: Hmm, I've never heard anyone called that before.

"**Reliable historical sources tell us this much," he said. "But these honest facts have been obscured by the fanciful legend of the Chamber of Secrets. **

Harry: Not _that _fanciful, actually.

**The story goes that Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in the castle, of which the other founders knew nothing.**

Neville: Who does that sort of thing in a school?

George: Who would call it 'The Chamber of Secrets'?

Luna: Salazar Slytherin, obviously.

"**Slytherin, according to the legend, sealed the Chamber of Secrets so that none would be able to open it until his own true heir arrived at the school. **

Ginny: Ah, the drama of the Slytherins.

**The heir alone would be able to unseal the Chamber of Secrets, unleash the horror within, and use it to purge the school of all who were unworthy to study magic."**

Ron: Some people aren't worth spitting on.

**There was silence as he finished telling the story, but it wasn't the usual, sleepy silence that filled Professor Binns's classes. There was unease in the air as everyone continued to watch him, hoping for more. Professor Binns looked faintly annoyed.**

Minerva: Well, you listen to his rantings about the Chamber of Secrets, but not to the things you need to pass your exams, what do you expect?

"**The whole thing is arrant nonsense, of course," **

George: Nope, it wasn't.

**he said. "Naturally, the school has been searched for evidence of such a chamber, many times, by the most learned witches and wizards. **

George: Didn't search hard enough, did they?

**It does not exist. **

George: Wrongity-wrong.

**A tale told to frighten the gullible."**

Hermione: It worked.

**Hermione's hand was back in the air.**

Ron: Tut tut.

Hermione: Sorry.

"**Sir — what exactly do you mean by the 'horror within' the Chamber?"**

George: Snape in only underpants.

"**That is believed to be some sort of monster, which the Heir of Slytherin alone can control," said Professor Binns in his dry, reedy voice.**

Michael :You've got to admit, it does seem a bit far-fetched.

Harry: Yes, but in a place like Hogwarts the far-fetched is the most likely to be true.

**The class exchanged nervous looks.**

"**I tell you, the thing does not exist," said Professor Binns, shuffling his notes. "There is no Chamber and no monster."**

Minerva: Telling them that won't make them shut up.

"**But, sir," said Seamus Finnigan, "if the Chamber can only be opened by Slytherin's true heir, no one else would be able to find it, would they?"**

Ginny: He has a valid point.

"**Nonsense, O'Flaherty," **

Harry: How did he get O'Flaherty from Finnigan?

**said Professor Binns in an aggravated tone. "If a long succession of Hogwarts headmasters and headmistresses haven't found the thing —"**

Neville: Why didn't we just shut up?

Hermione: Because we were annoying little children.

George: She's seen the light!

Ron: Wait… '_we'_?

"**But, Professor," piped up Parvati Patil, "you'd probably have to use Dark Magic to open it —"**

Hermione: And for the first time in her life, Parvati Patil made a decent contribution to a conversation.

"**Just because a wizard doesn't use Dark Magic doesn't mean he can't, Miss Pennyfeather," **

Luna: That's a pretty name.

Harry: What is it with Professor Binns and names?

Horace: Well, being crushed by a chandelier does addle the brain somewhat.

George: WHAT?

Minerva: It was my fault, okay? I was dared to loosen one of the chandeliers - it was easily fixed by magic, anyway - and he just walked underneath it at the wrong time.

George: Why am I only finding this out now? This would have been such great blackmail material.

**snapped Professor Binns. "I repeat, if the likes of Dumbledore —"**

Michael: Imagine if he had turned to the dark side.

Hermione: This isn't Star Wars.

"**But maybe you've got to be related to Slytherin, so Dumbledore couldn't —" began Dean Thomas, but Professor Binns had had enough.**

Ginny: And he finally snaps!

"**That will do," he said sharply. "It is a myth! It does not exist! There is not a shred of evidence that Slytherin ever built so much as a secret broom cupboard! **

Minerva (To Michael, obviously having forgotten their previous argument): But we had fun trying to find that one.

George (hands over ears): I did not hear that, I did not hear that, I did not hear that…

**I regret telling you such a foolish story! We will return, if you please, to history, to solid, believable, verifiable fact!"**

Hermione: Actually, a lot of history is embellished over the years to make some sound more heroic, and some barbaric. You can't really count on all of it.

**And within five minutes, the class had sunk back into its usual torpor.**

"**I always knew Salazar Slytherin was a twisted old loony," Ron told Harry and Hermione **

Ginny: This, coming from you.

**as they fought their way through the teeming corridors at the end of the lesson to drop off their bags before dinner. "But I never knew he started all this pure-blood stuff. **

Michael: One can never really tell where such notions originate from.

**I wouldn't be in his house if you paid me. **

Horace: Thanks…

Ron: No problem.

**Honestly, if the Sorting Hat had tried to put me in Slytherin, I'd've got the train straight back home…"**

Harry: Thanks, mate.

Ron: In my defence, I did not know at the time.

**Hermione nodded fervently, but Harry didn't say anything. His stomach had just dropped unpleasantly.** **Harry had never told Ron and Hermione that the Sorting Hat had seriously considered putting him in Slytherin. **

Harry: Why would you admit to something like that?

**He could remember, as though it were yesterday, the small voice that had spoken in his ear when he'd placed the hat on his head a year before: You could be great, you know, it's all here in your head, and Slytherin would help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that…**

Minerva: Oh, I think there's some doubt about that…

**But Harry, who had already heard of Slytherin House's reputation for turning out Dark wizards, had thought desperately, Not Slytherin! and the hat had said, Oh, well, if you're sure… better be Gryffindor…**

Ron: And thank Merlin you said that.

**As they were shunted along in the throng, Colin Creevey went past.**

Ron: Oh, Merlin.

Minerva: He was a nice enough boy, don't be harsh.

Harry: You didn't talk to him much, did you?

Minerva: On the contrary, he came to my office several times to talk, which, I might add, is more than you did.

Ron: What could you possibly talk about wit him?

Minerva: He was worried about school; I couldn't exactly turn him away, could I?

"**Hiya, Harry!"**

(Harry sighs).

"**Hullo, Colin," said Harry automatically.**

"**Harry — Harry — a boy in my class has been saying you're —"**

Ron: Crazy?

Ginny: Handsome?

George: Dead?

Harry: What?

George: Nothing.

**But Colin was so small he couldn't fight against the tide of people bearing him toward the Great Hall; they heard him squeak, "See you, Harry!" and he was gone.**

Hermione: Aw, he was kind of sweet, when you think about it.

Ron: Yeah… in a creepy kind of way.

"**What's a boy in his class saying about you?" Hermione wondered.**

Ginny: Don't make us do the guessing game again.

"**That I'm Slytherin's heir, I expect," said Harry, his stomach dropping another inch or so as he suddenly remembered the way Justin Finch-Fletchley had run away from him at lunchtime.**

George: I repeat: Because you smelled.

**The crowd thinned and they were able to climb the next staircase without difficulty.**

"**D'you really think there's a Chamber of Secrets?" Ron asked Hermione.**

"**I don't know," **

George: Finally! Something she doesn't know.

**she said, frowning. "Dumbledore couldn't cure Mrs. Norris, and that makes me think that whatever attacked her might not be — well — human."**

Ginny: What's so hard to say about the word 'human'?

**As she spoke, they turned a corner and found themselves at the end of the very corridor where the attack had happened. They stopped and looked. **

Horace: Rubberneckers.

Luna: But their necks aren't made of rubber…

**The scene was just as it had been that night, except that there was no stiff cat hanging from the torch bracket, and an empty chair stood against the wall bearing the message "The Chamber of Secrets has been Opened."**

Minerva: He always did have a flair for the melodramatic.

Horace: Who did?

Minerva: Oh, sorry! I forgot you don't know this story.

Horace: There's a first.

Minerva: What's a first?

Horace: You just apologized to me.

"**That's where Filch has been keeping guard," Ron muttered.**

Ron: Like a little Labrador.

Hermione: More like a bulldog.

**They looked at each other. The corridor was deserted.**

George: Dun, dun, dun!

"**Can't hurt to have a poke around," **

Ginny: Famous last words.

**said Harry, dropping his bag and getting to his hands and knees so that he could crawl along, searching for clues.**

Horace: Somehow, Gryffindors always end up on their hands and knees.

Minerva: I'm not going to argue with you on that one.

Horace: Really?

Minerva: No - I mean - Michael and I -

Horace: SAY NO MORE!

"**Scorch marks!" he said. "Here — and here —"**

Michael: Oh, look, we have a little Poirot-in-the-making.

"**Come and look at this!" said Hermione. "This is funny…"**

George: That's some sick humour you have there.

**Harry got up and crossed to the window next to the message on the wall. Hermione was pointing at the topmost pane, where around twenty spiders were scuttling, **

Ron: URGH!

**apparently fighting to get through a small crack. A long, silvery thread was dangling like a rope, as though they had all climbed it in their hurry to get outside.**

Ginny: Away from Ronald.

Ron: Hey!

Ginny: What? They're probably more scared of you than you are of them.

"**Have you ever seen spiders act like that?" said Hermione wonderingly.**

"**No," said Harry, "have you, Ron? Ron?"**

Neville: What on earth is going on?

George: If you hush, we'll find out.

**He looked over his shoulder. Ron was standing well back and seemed to be fighting the impulse to run.**

Ginny: Poor Ron is scared of spiders.

Ron: Don't talk to me about spiders.

"**What's up?" said Harry.**

Minerva: The opposite of down.

Ron: Usually, we settle for 'the ceiling' in response to that question, but if you have to get all clever about it…

Minerva: Mr. Weasley, I'm clever about everything.

Horace: Pffft.

"**I — don't — like — spiders," said Ron tensely.**

George: Poor Won-Won!

"**I never knew that," said Hermione, looking at Ron in surprise. "You've used spiders in Potions loads of times…"**

Ron: YEAH! Dead ones!

"**I don't mind them dead," said Ron, who was carefully looking anywhere but at the window. "I just don't like the way they move…"**

Luna: You know, they have quite complicated body compositions. Their legs -

Ron: Stop it!

**Hermione giggled.**

Ron: It's not funny.

**"It's not funny," said Ron, fiercely. "If you must know, when I was three, Fred turned my — my teddy bear into a great big filthy spider because I broke his toy broomstick… **

George: HA! I forgot about that one… This gives me a good idea for a new product. (A new notebook and quill appear in front of him and he begins scribbling furiously).

**You wouldn't like them either if you'd been holding your bear and suddenly it had too many legs and…"**

Ron: It was a ruddy great hairy tarantula with its legs all over your arms!

George (looking up from his writing): It was only a few centimetres tall.

**He broke off, shuddering. Hermione was obviously still trying not to laugh. **

Hermione: Sorry, Ron.

**Feeling they had better get off the subject, Harry said, "Remember all that water on the floor? Where did that come from? Someone's mopped it up."**

Minerva: It was a safety hazard.

Michael: At least Argus was doing his job.

Neville: You tampered with a crime scene!

Hermione: I think you're over-reacting just a little, Neville.

"**It was about here," said Ron, recovering himself to walk a few paces past Filch's chair and pointing. "Level with this door."**

Ginny: I'm surprised at you, Ronald.

Ron: I have a better memory than most people like to credit me with.

Hermione: Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to use it to remember our anniversary.

Ron: Sorry, dear, but I try to use it for saving the world and other such noble deeds.

Hermione: Convenient, that.

**He reached for the brass doorknob but suddenly withdrew his hand as though he'd been burned.**

"**What's the matter?" said Harry.**

"**Can't go in there," said Ron gruffly. "That's a girls' toilet."**

Michael: We used to go into the girls' toilets when we were your age.

Minerva: Yes, the boys in my day were perverts at an early age.

Michael: HEY!

"**Oh, Ron, there won't be anyone in there," said Hermione standing up and coming over. "That's Moaning Myrtle's place. Come on, let's have a look."**

Luna: It's not polite to stare at ghosts, you know.

**And ignoring the large OUT OF ORDER sign, she opened the door.**

George: Ooh, you little rebel.

**It was the gloomiest, most depressing bathroom Harry had ever set foot in. **

Neville: Have you never used a public toilet?

**Under a large, cracked, and spotted mirror were a row of chipped sinks. The floor was damp and reflected the dull light given off by the stubs of a few candles, burning low in their holders; the wooden doors to the stalls were flaking and scratched and one of them was dangling off its hinges.**

Horace: That's not safe, you know. You should get that fixed.

Minerva: Well, nobody is supposed to be there!

**Hermione put her fingers to her lips and set off toward the end stall. When she reached it she said, "Hello, Myrtle, how are you?"**

Ron: That's quite polite for a ghost who couldn't give a damn about anyone else.

Hermione :Yes, but I didn't want her to run off before we could question her.

**Harry and Ron went to look. Moaning Myrtle was floating above the tank of the toilet, picking a spot on her chin.**

Neville: What a pretty picture…

"**This is a girls' bathroom," she said, eyeing Ron and Harry suspiciously. "They're not girls."**

George: Are you sure?

"**No," Hermione agreed. "I just wanted to show them how er — nice it is in here."**

Ginny: Nice try.

**She waved vaguely at the dirty old mirror and the damp floor.**

"**Ask her if she saw anything," Harry mouthed at Hermione.**

Luna: Why don't you ask her?

Harry: I was scared, okay?

"**What are you whispering?" said Myrtle, staring at him.**

Neville: You've blown it now.

"**Nothing," said Harry quickly. "We wanted to ask —"**

"**I wish people would stop talking behind my back!" said Myrtle, in a voice choked with tears. "I do have feelings, you know, even if I am dead —"**

Minerva: Oh, she was just like that in school.

Harry: You knew her?

Minerva: Not well. I was in my last year and she was just starting, but being Head Girl I felt the responsibility to look after the first years. She cried most of the time. They called her Moaning Myrtle even before she died.

"**Myrtle, no one wants to upset you," said Hermione. "Harry only —"**

"**No one wants to upset me! That's a good one!" howled Myrtle. "My life was nothing but misery at this place and now people come along ruining my death!"**

George: Does she remind anyone else of Malfoy? No? Not even a little bit?

Ginny: No.

**"We wanted to ask you if you've seen anything funny lately," said Hermione quickly. "Because a cat was attacked right outside your front door on Halloween."**

"**Did you see anyone near here that night?" said Harry.**

Ginny: Like she was worried about anyone other than herself!

"**I wasn't paying attention," said Myrtle dramatically. "Peeves upset me so much I came in here and tried to kill myself. **

Neville: I see a flaw in that plan…

**Then, of course, I remembered that I'm — that I'm —"**

Hermione: Annoying?

Ginny: Too self-obsessed?

George: About to murder the three of you and no-one will ever find your bodies.

"**Already dead," said Ron helpfully.**

Hermione: Well that was tactful.

Ron: It was true!

**Myrtle gave a tragic sob, rose up in the air, turned over, and dived headfirst into the toilet, splashing water all over them and vanishing from sight, although from the direction of her muffled sobs, she had come to rest somewhere in the U-bend.**

Horace: Lovely.

**Harry and Ron stood with their mouths open, but Hermione shrugged wearily and said, "Honestly, that was almost cheerful for Myrtle… Come on, let's go."**

Luna: You're lucky she didn't hear you say that.

**Harry had barely closed the door on Myrtle's gurgling sobs when a loud voice made all three of them jump.**

"**RON!"**

Ron: Uh oh.

**Percy Weasley had stopped dead at the head of the stairs, prefect badge agleam, an expression of complete shock on his face.**

Ginny: That was pretty much always there.

"**That's a girls' bathroom!" he gasped. "What were you —?"**

Ron: I could ask you the same question.

"**Just having a look around," Ron shrugged. "Clues, you know —"**

Michael: You should have become a private detective.

**Percy swelled in a manner that reminded Harry forcefully of Mrs. Weasley.**

Ron: Oi! Don't you insult my mum.

Harry: I didn't write this. Anyway, I love your mum.

George: Ewww.

Harry: Not in that way.

"**Get — away — from — there —" Perry said, striding toward them and starting to bustle them along, flapping his arms. **

Ginny: I always wondered how he got into Gryffindor, acting like such a chicken.

**"Don't you care what this looks like? Coming back here while everyone's at dinner —"**

Ron: He only cared what everybody else thought!

"**Why shouldn't we be here?" said Ron hotly, stopping short and glaring at Percy. **

Neville: Because it's a girls' bathroom, perhaps?

Minerva: You could have avoided this by standing in front of the 'Out of Order' sign and saying that you were waiting for Hermione.

**"Listen, we never laid a finger on that cat!"**

George: I -

Harry: NOT IN THAT WAY!

"**That's what I told Ginny," said Percy fiercely, "but she still seems to think you're going to be expelled, **

Ron: Aw, I never thought you cared.

**I've never seen her so upset, crying her eyes out, **

Ron: Aw, Ginny, thanks.

Ginny: Shut up, Ron.

**you might think of her, all the first years are thoroughly overexcited by this business —"**

Ron: Pompous ass.

"**You don't care about Ginny," said Ron, whose ears were now reddening. "You're just worried I'm going to mess up your chances of being Head Boy —"**

George: You say it, sister!

Ron: Ahem.

"**Five points from Gryffindor!" Percy said tersely, fingering his prefect badge. **

George: Naughty word alert!

Michael: It wasn't until you said that.

Horace: Says the King of Innuendo!

Michael: The _King _of Innuendo? Thanks, Sluggy.

**"And I hope it teaches you a lesson! No more detective work, or I'll write to Mum!"**

Ron: Ooooh, now I'm scared.

Michael: You should be! Molly scares the hell out of me sometimes.

**And he strode off, the back of his neck as red as Ron's ears.**

Horace: Not satisfied with just having red hair, you have to turn the rest of your bodies red too.

Ron: Have you got something against gingers?

Horace: Not at all…

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione chose seats as far as possible from Percy in the common room that night. **

Ron: That was pretty much every night, actually.

**Ron was still in a very bad temper and kept blotting his Charms homework. When he reached absently for his wand to remove the smudges, it ignited the parchment. **

Ginny: Well done.

**Fuming almost as much as his homework, Ron slammed The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2 shut. **

Luna: No need to take it out on the book.

**To Harry's surprise, Hermione followed suit.**

Neville: Bloody hell!

Harry: Ron's rubbing off on you.

"**Who can it be, though?" she said in a quiet voice, as though continuing a conversation they had just been having. **

Hermione :I was having a conversation in my head.

Luna: Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, you know.

Hermione: When did you start it?

Luna: I resent that comment.

**"Who'd want to frighten all the Squibs and Muggle-borns out of Hogwart's?"**

Horace: Any right-thinking wizard.

(He receives glares form everyone at the table).

Horace: Joking!

"**Let's think," said Ron in mock puzzlement. "Who do we know who thinks Muggle-borns are scum?"**

All: Malfoy!

**He looked at Hermione. Hermione looked back, unconvinced.**

"**If you're talking about Malfoy —"**

Ron: Who else?

**"Of course I am!" said Ron. "You heard him — 'You'll be next, Mudbloods!'— **

Neville: That is quite incriminating.

Minerva: He wouldn't have the balls. His father certainly didn't have any.

Michael :And you would know this how?

**come on, you've only got to look at his foul rat face to know it's him —"**

"**Malfoy, the Heir of Slytherin?" said Hermione skeptically.**

Harry: Too grand a title for him.

"**Look at his family," said Harry, closing his books, too. "The whole lot of them have been in Slytherin; he's always boasting about it. They could easily be Slytherin's descendants. His father's definitely evil enough."**

Michael: You don't say.

**"They could've had the key to the Chamber of Secrets for centuries!" said Ron. "Handing it down, father to son…"**

Neville: Pah!

"**Well," said Hermione cautiously, "I suppose it's possible…"**

"**But how do we prove it?" said Harry darkly.**

George: You don't.

"**There might be a way," said Hermione slowly, dropping her voice still further with a quick glance across the room at Percy. "Of course, it would be difficult. And dangerous, very dangerous. **

Ron: When is it ever safe?

**We'd be breaking about fifty school rules, I expect —"**

Minerva: That didn't stop you before.

"**If, in a month or so, you feel like explaining, you will let us know, won't you?" said Ron irritably.**

Horace: Spoken like a true gentleman.

"**All right," said Hermione coldly. "What we'd need to do is to get inside the Slytherin common room and ask Malfoy a few questions without him realizing it's us."**

Neville: Good luck with that one.

Horace: Oh no! You didn't?

Hermione: Didn't what?

Horace: You brewed a polyjuice potion at the age of twelve?

Hermione: I did indeed.

"**But that's impossible," Harry said as Ron laughed.**

Luna: Nothing is impossible.

George: WRONG! I've been doing nothing all my life, so it can't be impossible.

"**No, it's not," said Hermione. "All we'd need would be some Polyjuice Potion."**

Neville: And with a name like that, it can't possibly taste good.

"**What's that?" said Ron and Harry together.**

"**Snape mentioned it in class a few weeks ago —"**

Harry: Like we were paying attention.

"**D'you think we've got nothing better to do in Potions than listen to Snape?" muttered Ron.**

Ron: We preferred to draw little moving doodles of him in compromising, yet hilarious situations.

"**It transforms you into somebody else. Think about it! We could change into three of the Slytherins. No one would know it was us. Malfoy would probably tell us anything. **

Luna: I don't think he's that silly.

Hermione: you would be surprised.

**He's probably boasting about it in the Slytherin common room right now, if only we could hear him."**

George: You could always try Weasleys' Extendable Ears -

Ginny: This is no time for advertisement.

"**This Polyjuice stuff sounds a bit dodgy to me," said Ron, frowning. "What if we were stuck looking like three of the Slytherins forever?"**

Hermione: Ah, Ronald, so skeptical.

**"It wears off after a while," said Hermione, waving her hand impatiently. "But getting hold of the recipe will be very difficult. Snape said it was in a book called Moste Potente Potions and it's bound to be in the Restricted Section of the library." **

Horace: Well, wasn't it convenient that he told you where to find it.

Hermione: He didn't actually.

Harry: It took us ages to find it.

Ron: But nobody wants to read about three kids searching for a reference book.

**There was only one way to get out a book from the Restricted Section: You needed a signed note of permission from a teacher. **

Neville: Easier said than done. I still couldn't get one in my sixth year.

**"Hard to see why we'd want the book, really," said Ron, "if we weren't going to try and make one of the potions."**

"**I think," said Hermione, "that if we made it sound as though we were just interested in the theory, we might stand a chance…**

Minerva: Against an idiot.

"**Oh, come on, no teacher's going to fall for that," said Ron. "They'd have to be really thick…"**

Horace: Oh, come on, Minerva isn't _that_ stupid.

Minerva: Next time you need saving from a rampant teapot, do not call on me!

Horace: That was one time!

Minerva: Two, actually.

Michael: Three if you count the fanged teacup.

Horace: But that isn't a teapot is it?

Michael: It is an item of tea-related… stuff…

Horace: You are such an idiot.

Michael: Coward.

Horace: Arse!

Michael: Hippogriff-sniffer.

Horace: Over-sexed man whore!

Michael: Sex-deprived dingbat!

Hermione: Alright girls, claws away!

Ron: On that note, I think I shall read the next chapter.

_A/N: I would just like to raise awareness of the fact that I did not invent the Binns being crushed by a chandelier story, but it's been used in quite a few brilliant fics and I thought it worked nicely here. Also, I own no rights to Star Wars._


	10. Bludgers and Snitches

_A/N: Phew! This one took about three days straight to write, so enjoy my sweat and tears, people. Just a warning: Due to a certain amount of insomnia being a factor in the writing of this chapter, expect things to get **very** weird._

* * *

The group stretched, their limbs stiff from sitting in the same position for such a long time.

"Before we start reading again," began Ron, "can we _please _have something to eat? I'm starving."

"Oh, Ronald, you only ever think about your stomach," Hermione sighed wearily. Before he could make the usual reply of "that's not true", a veritable feast appeared before their very eyes and everybody suddenly realised how their stomachs yearned for some of the mouth-watering delights from the silver platters.

They ate almost silently at first but progressed into small conversations in different groups, mimicking the cliquish atmosphere of the Great Hall split into its house tables. After a while, Harry fell to whispering to Ginny.

"I don't understand what's going on here." His voice was conspiratorial, as if he believed that he had done something wrong that nobody could ever be permitted to discover.

"Me either. It's like… like somebody arranged this on purpose. Like we were supposed to learn all of this stuff about the others. I just don't know why." Ginny, of course, was unaware that they would soon know the truth.

"Will you two stop whispering sweet nothings to each other so we can get a move on with another chapter, please?" George's voice brought the room to silence and he smiled jovially. "Well, get on with the reading then, Won-Won!"

**Chapter Ten - The Rogue Bludger**

Horace: Well, this sounds like it could be fun.

Harry: Is that what you call it?

Ginny: Perhaps we should try cursing a Bludger to come at you, Professor…

Horace: You wouldn't dare!

(A heavy black ball appears on the table in front of Ginny).

Horace: Okay, you would! I apologize! Just get rid of that thing!

Ginny: Well, since you asked so nicely.

(The Bludger disappears and Horace is having a hard time looking Ginny in the eye).

**Since the disastrous episode of the pixies, Professor Lockhart had not brought live creatures to class. **

Neville: I wonder why.

George: If you are not quiet I will string you to the chandelier myself.

**Instead, he read passages from his books to them, and sometimes re-enacted some of the more dramatic bits. **

Luna: That sounds like fun.

Ron: Trust me, it was.

Harry: Only because you got to sit there drawing Malfoy flying into the Whomping Willow. For me it was Hell!

**He usually picked Harry to help him with these reconstructions; so far, Harry had been forced to play a simple Transylvanian villager, whom Lockhart had cured of a Babbling Curse, **

Ginny: Simple is the right word.

Harry: Hey!

**a yeti with a head cold, **

Ginny: Oh, what I wouldn't give to see that!

**and a vampire who had been unable to eat anything except lettuce since Lockhart had dealt with him.**

Minerva: He managed to make a vampire vegetarian?

**Harry was hauled to the front of the class during their very next Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson, this time acting as a werewolf. **

Harry: Growl.

Hermione: Remus would be ashamed.

**If he hadn't had a very good reason for keeping Lockhart in a good mood, he would have refused to do it.**

Ginny: Of course you would.

Neville: You looked like you were enjoying it, really.

George: Hmm… I wonder if I could make a chandelier appear in here.

Neville: Nice rhymes, George.

George: Why, thank you. Hold on a minute…

"**Nice loud howl, Harry **

Michael: Oh, you didn't.

— **exactly — **

Michael: You did.

Horace: Thank you, Mr. McGonagall. We adults had established that.

**and then, if you'll believe it, I pounced — like this — slammed him to the floor — **

Minerva: You know, that counts as abuse. You could have reported him and had him fired. It would have saved us all the earache.

Ron: What, and lose our main source of entertainment? Never.

**thus with one hand, I managed to hold him down — with my other, I put my wand to his throat — I then screwed up my remaining strength and performed the immensely complex Homorphus Charm – **

Hermione: Made-up, of course.

Ron: Didn't know that then, though, did you?

**he let out a piteous moan **

Ginny: Don't do it.

— **go on, Harry — **

George: Don't do it, Harry. Don't bow to the man. You are the freaking Boy Who Lived and you are letting a dunce in frilly robes order you about like a prat.

**higher than that — good — **

Neville: Shame, mate.

Harry: At least I had my priorities straight.

Hermione: Oh, don't start this one again.

**the fur vanished — the fangs shrank — and he turned back into a man. **

George: Unfortunately, Harry was unable to convincing play this part.

**Simple, yet effective — **

Minerva: And completely untrue.

**and another village will remember me forever as the hero who delivered them from the monthly terror of **

George: Hermione's period.

Hermione: HEY! I'll have you know I am a perfect human being, no matter what time of the month it is. Isn't that right, Ronald?

Ron: Er… yeah… right…

**werewolf attacks."**

George: Total let-down.

**The bell rang and Lockhart got to his feet.**

Ginny: Which were clad in ridiculous purple sating slippers that curled at the toe.

George: Touché, little sis.

"**Homework — compose a poem about my defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf! **

Minerva: A poem? That's… unorthodox…

Horace: Just because you do not possess a creative bone in your body.

Minerva: Well, not right at the minute, Michael's busy.

(Everyone stares at her in horror).

Ginny: Not you too?

Michael (pulling her into a side-on embrace): That's my girl.

Luna: I still don't get it…

**Signed copies of Magical Me to the author of the best one!"**

Neville: Literally no-one cares.

**The class began to leave. Harry returned to the back of the room, where Ron and Hermione were waiting.**

"**Ready?" Harry muttered.**

Ron: No.

"**Wait till everyone's gone," said Hermione nervously. "All right…"**

Ron: Why _were _we so nervous? I mean, Lockhart was an idiot.

**She approached Lockhart's desk, a piece of paper clutched tightly in her hand, Harry and Ron right behind her.**

Luna: What gentlemen you were, letting the lady face the dragons first.

Harry: We were twelve.

Ron: And Lockhart was not exactly a Hungarian Horntail.

"**Er — Professor Lockhart?" Hermione stammered. "I wanted to — to get this book out of the library. Just for background reading." **

George: It's called Playwizard.

Ron: That's a magazine, idiot!

Hermione: And how would you know that, Ronald?

(Ron just blushes).

**She held out the piece of paper, her hand shaking slightly. **

Horace: Pull yourself together, girl.

Hermione: I was twelve.

**"But the thing is, it's in the Restricted Section of the library, so I need a teacher to sign for it — **

Minerva: You know, I probably would have signed it.

Harry: No you wouldn't. You would have started an inquisition first.

Minerva: Don't forget, this is before you three became responsible for _everything _that happened at Hogwarts. I actually liked you at this stage.

Harry: You are a cruel, cruel woman.

Minerva: I try.

**I'm sure it would help me understand what you say in Gadding with Ghouls about slow-acting venoms."**

Michael: Nice tactic; play to the narcissism. Are you sure you weren;t supposed to be in Slytherin?

"**Ah, Gadding with Ghouls!" said Lockhart, taking the note from Hermione and smiling widely at her. **

Hermione (smiling to herself): I knew it would work.

**"Possibly my very favourite book. You enjoyed it?"**

Hermione: Not at all.

Ron: Liar.

"**Oh, yes," said Hermione eagerly. "So clever, the way you trapped that last one with the tea-strainer —"**

Minerva: A tea-strainer? Really? You believed that? He told us it was an empty Firewhiskey bottle… he was not impressed when I asked him if he had just polished the bottle off himself…

"**Well, I'm sure no one will mind me giving the best student of the year a little extra help," **

Horace: At this point, Hermione, I would be asking what it was that he wanted from you.

**said Lockhart warmly, and he pulled out an enormous peacock quill. **

George: Can we just get this straight: there wasn't an actual peacock attached to the quill, was there?

Ginny: No, George. No, there was not.

**"Yes, nice, isn't it?" he said, misreading the revolted look on Ron's face. **

Ron: Definitely not a people person… mainly because people hated him.

**"I usually save it for book-signings."**

Minerva: No wonder the queues are always so long; he can barely hold the quill.

Horace: How would you know that, Minerva?

Minerva: I spend far too much time in Flourish and Blotts.

Horace: Sure.

**He scrawled an enormous loopy signature on the note and handed it back to Hermione.**

George: And she almost fainted because she had finally hoodwinked him into putting his signature onto a contract promised to marry her.

"**So, Harry," said Lockhart, while Hermione folded the note with fumbling fingers and slipped it into her bag. **

George: "Oh, gosh-ness, he touched me. He actually wrote on my parchment and touched me when he put it in my hand. Now, I've lost the ability to use my hands. Oh, goody gumdrops, how will I ever recover?"

Hermione: I do not talk like that!

**"Tomorrow's the first Quidditch match of the season, I believe? **

(Everyone at the table lets out a hearty cheer).

**Gryffindor against Slytherin, is it not? **

(Another cheer).

**I hear you're a useful player. **

Ginny: Useful?

**I was a Seeker, too. **

Minerva: Liar. Nobody would let him on the Ravenclaw team.

Ron: I still find it hard to believe that he made it into Ravenclaw.

Minerva: Well… I have to say, despite being the biggest idiot I have ever met – begrudgingly- I admit that he must have been clever enough to use whatever little he had to make all those people believe that he was some sort of superior wizard.

George: Was that Minerva McGonagall being… complimentary… to Gilderoy Lockhart? Run! It's a sign of the apocalypse!

Minerva: Of course, he was stupid enough to make up lies that contradicted each other. Should have kept a record. Idiot.

George: Phew… it's all good, people.

**I was asked to try for the National Squad, but preferred to dedicate my life to the eradication of the Dark Forces. **

Minerva: Pfft. As if.

Horace: How childish.

**Still, if ever you feel the need for a little private training, don't hesitate to ask. **

Harry: He would be the last person I would ask.

**Always happy to pass on my expertise to less able players…"**

Minerva: Hang on.

(A glass of pumpkin juice appears before her. She takes a mouthful and then spits it out in shock).

Minerva: 'Less able players'? What nonsense is this man talking?

Neville: That was a lot of effort to go to for a cheap slapstick gag.

Minerva: Meh. It was worth it.

**Harry made an indistinct noise in his throat and then hurried off after Ron and Hermione.**

Harry: It was a gagging noise.

"**I don't believe it," he said as the three of them examined the signature on the note. "He didn't even look at the book we wanted."**

Neville: You expected him to?

"**That's because he's a brainless git," **

Ginny: Oh, the truth is so sweet.

**said Ron. "But who cares, we've got what we needed—"**

Horace: That is very Slytherin of you.

"**He is not a brainless git," said Hermione shrilly as they half ran toward the library.**

Hermione: Ahem. Let us just overlook this slight lapse of judgement on my part.

Ginny: Right… slight…

Hermione: Must I mention your little obsession with one Mr. Potter?

Ginny: At least that one worked out for me.

"**Just because he said you were the best student of the year —"**

Hermione: How dare you insinuate that I am not immune to smooth-talking?

Ron: I wasn't insinuating anything.

**They dropped their voices as they entered the muffled stillness of the library. Madam Pince, the librarian, was a thin, irritable woman who looked like an underfed vulture.**

George: You say that, but she was not very impressed when Fred dangled the rotting flesh of a dead rat in front of her face.

"**Moste Potente Potions?" she repeated suspiciously, trying to take the note from Hermione; but Hermione wouldn't let go.**

George: Even Merlin fears Hermione's death grip.

"**I was wondering if I could keep it," she said breathlessly.**

Hermione: Oh, God. Keep reading!

"**Oh, come on," said Ron, wrenching it from her grasp and thrusting it at Madam Pince. "We'll get you another autograph. Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough."**

Minerva: He tried to sign my arm in the staffroom.

Horace: Bet you liked that.

Minerva: Let's just say, he had a palm-shaped red mark on his face afterwards.

Harry: And here I was thinking you were against violence.

**Madam Pince held the note up to the light, as though determined to detect a forgery, but it passed the test. **

Ron: Why is it that people don't trust us?

Horace: Do you really need to ask that?

Ron: Well, we did save the school. Several times.

Minerva: Leaving a trail of destruction in your wake.

Harry: Collateral damage. This stuff happens.

Neville: In reality, he just enjoying smashing stuff up.

Harry: Truth.

**She stalked away between the lofty shelves and returned several minutes later carrying a large and mouldy-looking book. Hermione put it carefully into her bag and they left, trying not to walk too quickly or look too guilty.**

Harry: Masters of deception.

George: Like a boss.

Ginny: What?

George: Honestly, I'm not sure where that came from…

**Five minutes later, they were barricaded in Moaning Myrtle's out-of-order bathroom once again.**

Michael: Honestly, the only thing we used to use the out-of-order bathrooms for was –

Minerva: Michael!

Ginny: It's not like we don't know what you were going to say.

Michael: I _was _going to say that we used them for discussing secret Quidditch tactics out of earshot of the other teams, but I might as well have said 'sex'.

**Hermione had overridden Ron's objections by pointing out that it was the last place anyone in their right minds would go, so they were guaranteed some privacy. **

Luna: Unless you count Myrtle. I hear she quite likes it there.

Ron: Didn't seem like it to me.

Luna: If she didn't, she was free to leave the place.

**Moaning Myrtle was crying noisily in her stall, but they were ignoring her, and she them.**

Horace: Mutual dislike; that's the way to do it.

**Hermione opened Moste Potente Potions carefully, and the three of them bent over the damp-spotted pages. **

Ron: And I pretended to be able to read the weird handwriting.

Harry: You too? Thank God, I thought I was being an idiot. Turns out Hermione was just being clever.

Hermione: I'm sorry that my ability to _read _is off-putting to you, but some of us do obtain basic reading skills by the age of twelve.

**It was clear from a glance why it belonged in the Restricted Section. Some of the potions had effects almost too gruesome to think about, **

Horace: Like Excorio Venenum.

Neville: Need I ask?

Horace: A potion to scalp enemies.

Michael: That is… vile.

**and there were some very unpleasant illustrations, which included a man who seemed to have been turned inside out and a witch sprouting several extra pairs of arms out of her head.**

George: Wicked!

Neville: No, you are wicked. Not in the cool way.

George: Well, I never. Neville Longbottom knows the meaning of cool.

"**Here it is," said Hermione excitedly as she found the page headed The Polyjuice Potion. **

George: Merry Christmas.

**It was decorated with drawings of people halfway through transforming into other people. Harry sincerely hoped the artist had imagined the looks of intense pain on their faces.**

Horace: In Moste Potente Potions? I doubt it! Have you ever tried brewing any of those things?

Harry: Yes. Have you?

Horace: No… But I've seen it done!

"**This is the most complicated potion I've ever seen," said Hermione as they scanned the recipe. **

Horace: You were only a second year – as you keep reminding us -, what did you expect?

**"Lacewing flies, leeches, fluxweed, and knotgrass," she murmured, running her finger down the list of ingredients. "Well, they're easy enough, they're in the student store-cupboard, we can help ourselves… **

Minerva: Oh, Merlin. You stole things as well?

Hermione: It's not technically stealing if it's from a cupboard that anyone can take things from without having to ask permission.

**Oooh, look, powdered horn of a bicorn — don't know where we're going to get that — shredded skin of a boomslang — that'll be tricky, too and of course a bit of whoever we want to change into."**

Neville: That is truly revolting.

Luna: That's why it was in the Restricted Section.

"**Excuse me?" said Ron sharply. "What d'you mean, a bit of whoever we're changing into? I'm drinking nothing with Crabbe's toenails in it —"**

George: I don't blame you. You'd probably be tasting cheesy feet for the next twelve years of your life.

Ginny: Don't be ridiculous, George… It's got to be fifteen, at least.

**Hermione continued as though she hadn't heard him.**

Luna: That was polite of you.

Neville: Luna… you're doing sarcasm again…

George: At least it's not you, Nev.

"**We don't have to worry about that yet, though, because we add those bits last…"**

Ron: And that is supposed to make it better?

**Ron turned, speechless, to Harry, who had another worry.**

Ginny: You see, Ronald, nobody cares about you.

Ron: Shut up, Ginevra.

Ginny: Don't you dare call me that!

"**D'you realize how much we're going to have to steal, Hermione? **

Minerva: Case closed.

**Shredded skin of a boomslang, that's definitely not in the students' cupboard. What're we going to do, break into Snape's private stores? I don't know if this is a good idea…"**

Minerva: Finally, a voice of sense!

Horace: You are _such _a hypocrite.

Minerva: I have no idea what you are talking about, but I suggest if you have an accusation to make, you just spit it out.

Horace: You stole ingredients from my store cupboard when you were in your seventh year. Naturally, I would never suspect the Head Girl, no matter how much of a trouble-maker she was. It wasn't until years later when I overheard a very interesting conversation in the staff room.

(Minerva does not reply but her face turns a deep hue of scarlet).

Ginny: Is that true?

Minerva: I was trying to help Pomona brew a Mandrake Restorative Draught. Our friend Elizabeth had been petrified the first time the Chamber of Secrets was opened. We just wanted to help, and so I took some potion ingredients and Pomona snuck some mandrakes from the greenhouses. Unfortunately, Potions was neither of our specialist subjects.

Hermione: Oh, Professor. I didn't know…

Minerva: Of course you didn't; I never told anyone. But stop changing the subject! Stealing is only right under certain circumstances.

Hermione: We were trying to find out who opened the Chamber of Secrets!

Minerva: No, you were trying to pin it on Malfoy.

Ron: Well… I… yeah… I s'pose you're right…

Harry: Malfoy did look good for it, though.

**Hermione shut the book with a snap.**

**"Well, if you two are going to chicken out, fine," she said. **

George: You, Hermione Granger-Weasley, are an evil genius.

Hermione: Why, thank you.

Harry: At this point, I couldn't believe _you_ were actually trying to talk us _into _a crazy scheme.

Ron: Yeah, usually you left that stuff to us. I feel strangely redundant now…

**There were bright pink patches on her cheeks and her eyes were brighter than usual. **

**"I don't want to break rules, you know. **

Neville: You could have fooled us.

**I think threatening Muggleborns is far worse than brewing up a difficult potion. **

Ginny: Point to Granger.

**But if you don't want to find out if it's Malfoy, I'll go straight to Madam Pince now and hand the book back in."**

Harry: You really are evil.

**"I never thought I'd see the day when you'd be persuading us to break rules," said Ron. "All right, we'll do it. But not toenails, okay?"**

Neville: Sounds like a deal.

"**How long will it take to make, anyway?" said Harry as Hermione, looking happier, opened the book again.**

Horace: About a month if you don't have the fresh ingredients.

Minerva: Thank you for demonstrating that the man teaching Potions to the next generation of witches and wizards does, in fact, know _something _about Potions.

Horace: If I didn't, you would never have passed Potions.

Minerva: Let us not have this argument now, Horace. I prefer not to humiliate people in front of guests.

"**Well, since the fluxweed has got to be picked at the full moon and the lacewings have got to be stewed for twenty-one days… I'd say it'd be ready in about a month, if we can get all the ingredients."**

Harry: And there is the catch.

"**A month?" said Ron. "Malfoy could have attacked half the Muggleborns in the school by then!" But Hermione's eyes narrowed dangerously again, and he added swiftly, "But it's the best plan we've got, so full steam ahead, I say."**

Ginny: That is never a good sign.

**However, while Hermione was checking that the coast was clear for them to leave the bathroom, Ron muttered to Harry, "It'll be a lot less hassle if you can just knock Malfoy off his broom tomorrow."**

Neville: Now, that, my friend, is a plan.

**Harry woke early on Saturday morning and lay for a while thinking about the coming Quidditch match. **

George: And how he was about to get murdered by Malfoy for stealing his diary.

**He was nervous, mainly at the thought of what Wood would say if Gryffindor lost, but also at the idea of facing a team mounted on the fastest racing brooms gold could buy. **

Minerva: Good brooms don't make up for terrible players.

Michael: But they certainly help.

Minerva: Darling, I am trying to be encouraging here.

Michael: What does it matter, all this happened years ago?

**He had never wanted to beat Slytherin so badly. **

George: 'Attaboy!

**After half an hour of lying there with his insides churning, he got up, dressed, and went down to breakfast early, where he found the rest of the Gryffindor team huddled at the long, empty table, all looking uptight and not speaking much.**

Michael: Ah, good old pre-Quidditch jitters.

Ginny: They're worse than pre-wedding jitters.

Harry: You had pre-wedding jitters?

**As eleven o'clock approached, the whole school started to make its way down to the Quidditch stadium. **

Harry: No pressure then, eh?

**It was a muggy sort of day with a hint of thunder in the air. **

Ginny (sarcastically): Perfect conditions, then.

**Ron and Hermione came hurrying over to wish Harry good luck as he entered the locker rooms.**

**The team pulled on their scarlet Gryffindor robes, then sat down to listen to Wood's usual pre-match pep talk.**

George: We _will_ win this match. We will _never_ surrender. They may take our lives, but they will never take our snitch. WE WILL NOT LOSE!

Harry: And that's pretty much how it was every match.

"**Slytherin has better brooms than us," he began. "No point denying it. But we've got better people on our brooms. **

Minerva: Here, here!

**We've trained harder than they have, we've been flying in all weathers —"**

Harry: Only because Wood was sooooooo obsessed.

**("Too true," muttered George Weasley. "I haven't been properly dry since August") **

George: TRUTH! Not in an innuendo way, either!

**"— and we're going to make them rue the day they let that little bit of slime, Malfoy, buy his way onto their team."**

Horace: Ah, the Gryffindor revenge lust.

Minerva: The best type of lust there is.

Michael: That's how we ended up together.

Neville: I don't even want to know how that applies.

**Chest heaving with emotion, Wood turned to Harry.**

Ginny: Now you're for it.

"**It'll be down to you, Harry, to show them that a Seeker has to have something more than a rich father. **

George: My father will hear about this!

**Get to that Snitch before Malfoy or die trying, Harry, because we've got to win today, we've got to."**

George and Michael: Yeah, Harry.

"**So no pressure, Harry" said Fred, winking at him.**

Harry: Gah! The pressure! I'm surprised I'm still alive. "Harry, win Quidditch for us. Harry, beat Malfoy into the ground. Harry, go on the longest camping trip in history and defeat one of the darkest wizards in history!" The world is full of pressure!

Ron: As you can see, Harry has unleashed some hidden bitterness there…

**As they walked out onto the pitch, a roar of noise greeted them; mainly cheers, because Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were anxious to see Slytherin beaten, **

Horace: As I have said, people just hate Slytherin and I think it's unfair.

**but the Slytherins in the crowd made their boos and hisses heard, too. Madam Hooch, the Quidditch teacher, asked Flint and Wood to shake hands, which they did, giving each other threatening stares and gripping rather harder than was necessary.**

Michael: And that's how you do it without showing the referee that you intend to murder each other on the pitch.

"**On my whistle," said Madam Hooch. "Three… two… one…"**

George: But just as Madam Hooch concluded the countdown, what – from the stands above – seemed to be a speck hurtled out onto the pitch. "STOP!" it shouted, to the particular horror of Oliver Wood. The entire team was even more horror-struck once they realised who it was that had invaded their pitch. It was Severus Snape. Nude, apart from a pair of socks and a piece of paper he was waving threateningly at Harry. He reeked of Firewhiskey.

Ginny: Your mind is a terrifying place.

**With a roar from the crowd to speed them upward, the fourteen players rose toward the leaden sky. Harry flew higher than any of them, squinting around for the Snitch.**

"**All right there, Scarhead?" yelled Malfoy, **

Michael: Scarhead?

Minerva: That's all he has?

George: What about Pottyhead?

Michael: Or son of a banshee?

Minerva: Or Harry Crackpot and the Chamber Pot of Secrets?

Harry: What?

Minerva: Sorry, I've been sitting on that one for years. I thought it was finally time to get it out of my system.

**shooting underneath him as though to show off the speed of his broom.**

Luna: No-one likes a show-off.

**Harry had no time to reply. At that very moment, a heavy black Bludger came pelting toward him; he avoided it so narrowly that he felt it ruffle his hair as it passed.**

Neville: Aww, it likes you!

"**Close one, Harry!" said George,**

Harry: Thank you for that, Captain Obvious.

**streaking past him with his club in his hand, ready to knock the Bludger back towards a Slytherin. **

Horace: I'm glad you've learned not to direct them at your own team.

George: That was one time and Wood was being an arse!

**Harry saw George give the Bludger a powerful whack in the direction of Adrian Pucey, but the Bludger changed direction in mid-air and shot straight for Harry again.**

Luna: That wasn't very nice of it.

**Harry dropped quickly to avoid it, and George managed to hit it hard towards Malfoy.**

**Once again, the Bludger swerved like a boomerang and shot at Harry's head.**

Horace: Boomerang?

Hermione: An Australian device. It's sort of v-shaped and if you throw it just right, it will come back to you.

Horace: Why not just Accio it?

Minerva: Muggles, Horace!

**Harry put on a burst of speed and zoomed toward the other end of the pitch. He could hear the Bludger whistling along behind him. What was going on? **

Ron: Don't bother asking yourself; you don't know.

**Bludgers never concentrated on one player like this; it was their job to try and unseat as many people as possible…**

Neville: Well, maybe they got bored once in a while.

George: Bored? Have you ever set a Venomous Tentacula on a student because you got bored?

Neville: Not a student…

George: Neville? Touché, my friend.

**Fred Weasley was waiting for the Bludger at the other end. **

Ron: Like a boss.

Luna: Why does everybody keep saying that today?

Hermione: Two people are hardly 'everybody'…

**Harry ducked as Fred swung at the Bludger with all his might; the Bludger was knocked off course.**

George: Go FRED!

"**Gotcha!" Fred yelled happily, but he was wrong; as though it was magnetically attracted to Harry, the Bludger pelted after him once more and Harry was forced to fly off at full speed.**

Ron: Batman never ran away.

Harry: What would you know about Batman?

Ron: Dad had some old comics in his shed.

**It had started to rain; Harry felt heavy drops fall onto his face, splattering onto his glasses. He didn't have a clue what was going on in the rest of the game until he heard Lee Jordan, who was commentating, say, "Slytherin lead, sixty points to zero."**

Horace: Sixty to zero? Shame for you.

Ginny: Shut it.

**The Slytherins' superior brooms were clearly doing their jobs, and meanwhile the mad Bludger was doing all it could to knock Harry out of the air. **

Harry: Honestly, you ask for one game of Quidditch and they give you a Bludger hell-bent on your destruction.

**Fred and George were now flying so close to him on either side that Harry could see nothing at all except their flailing arms and had no chance to look for the Snitch, let alone catch it.**

Horace: And that is how you win at Quidditch.

Minerva: Just because your broom won't tolerate your excessive weight.

Horace: Low blow.

Neville: You have a broom?

Minerva: I now call it Splinters.

**"Someone's — tampered — with — this — Bludger —" Fred grunted, swinging his bat with all his might at it as it launched a new attack on Harry.**

Harry: Again, Captain Obvious returns to save us! Whatever would we do without your startling powers of observation?

George: You would die of a sarcasm overdose, that is what would happen.

"**We need time out," said George, trying to signal to Wood and stop the Bludger breaking Harry's nose at the same time.**

George: Imagine if I hadn't done that. Perhaps you and Voldy would have had another thing in common: the need for a nose job.

**Wood had obviously got the message. Madam Hooch's whistle rang out and Harry, Fred, and George dived for the ground, still trying to avoid the mad Bludger.**

Ginny: How had nobody noticed this by this point?

"**What's going on?" said Wood as the Gryffindor team huddled together, while Slytherins in the crowd jeered. "We're being flattened. Fred, George, where were you when that Bludger stopped Angelina scoring?"**

Neville: This is why I never played Quidditch. That and the fact that I could barely fly at all.

"**We were twenty feet above her, stopping the other Bludger from murdering Harry, Oliver," said George angrily. **

George: And just who is that witty devil? Well, I do believe it is _moi_!

**"Someone's fixed it — it won't leave Harry alone. **

Harry: I'm just so gorgeous.

Ginny: Of course, dear.

**It hasn't gone for anyone else all game. The Slytherins must have done something to it."**

Horace: Always the blame on the Slytherins.

"**But the Bludgers have been locked in Madam Hooch's office since our last practice, and there was nothing wrong with them then…" said Wood, anxiously. **

Neville: Well, there obviously is now.

**Madam Hooch was walking toward them. Over her shoulder, Harry could see the Slytherin team jeering and pointing in his direction.**

Michael: This is why nobody likes Slytherins.

"**Listen," said Harry as she came nearer and nearer, "with you two flying around me all the time the only way I'm going to catch the Snitch is if it flies up my sleeve. **

Ron: That would go down in history as the most epic win ever.

**Go back to the rest of the team and let me deal with the rogue one."**

Hermione: Oh, Harry. Poor, deluded Harry.

"**Don't be thick," said Fred. "It'll take your head off."**

Ginny: Wouldn't that be an improvement? (Harry glares at her). JOKING!

**Wood was looking from Harry to the Weasleys.**

Ron: Don't do it, Wood.

"**Oliver, this is insane," said Alicia Spinner angrily. "You can't let Harry deal with that thing on his own. Let's ask for an inquiry…"**

Hermione: Listen to the voice of reason, Oliver!

"**If we stop now, we'll have to forfeit the match!" said Harry. "And we're not losing to Slytherin just because of a crazy Bludger! **

Minerva: What about the possible death of a teammate?

**Come on, Oliver, tell them to leave me alone!"**

Ginny: HARRY!

Harry: I _really _wanted to win.

"**This is all your fault," George said angrily to Wood. "'Get the Snitch or die trying,' what a stupid thing to tell him —"**

Harry: I'm not that impressionable.

Ron: I convinced you I was half vampire.

Harry: I believed you as well…

**Madam Hooch had joined them.**

"**Ready to resume play?" she asked Wood.**

Hermione, Minerva and Luna: NO!

**Wood looked at the determined look on Harry's face.**

Michael: That is one obsessed kid…

"**All right," he said. "Fred, George, you heard Harry — leave him alone and let him deal with the Bludger on his own."**

Michael: Why listen to a twelve year old kid, who only wants to win?

Harry (feigning anguish): Thanks, Sir.

Michael: Please don't call me 'Sir'. It reminds me of when I first met Minerva's father.

Minerva: How many times have I told you that my father does not want to string you up from the roof and watch you slowly suffocate to death? It was a joke!

Michael: He has one DARK sense of humour.

**The rain was falling more heavily now. On Madam Hooch's whistle, Harry kicked hard into the air and heard the tell-tale whoosh of the Bludger behind him. **

Harry: You kick off and already the girls are after you.

Luna: Bludgers aren't male or female.

Harry: Just humour me, Luna.

**Higher and higher Harry climbed; he looped and swooped, spiralled, zigzagged, and rolled. **

Ginny: He was in dance training.

Harry: Funny you should say that…

**Slightly dizzy, he nevertheless kept his eyes wide open, rain was speckling his glasses and ran up his nostrils as he hung upside down, avoiding another fierce dive from the Bludger. **

Neville: Go HARRY!

Ginny: That's the spirit, Neville.

**He could hear laughter from the crowd; he knew he must look very stupid, but the rogue Bludger was heavy and couldn't change direction as quickly as Harry could; he began a kind of roller-coaster ride around the edges of the stadium, squinting through the silver sheets of rain to the Gryffindor goal posts, where Adrian Pucey was trying to get past Wood.**

George: I won't point out the obvious innuendo here.

Ginny: Anything with his name in it has the potential to be innuendo.

**A whistling in Harry's ear told him the Bludger had just missed him again; he turned right over and sped in the opposite direction.**

George: Tactics.

"**Training for the ballet, Potter?" yelled Malfoy **

Harry: Not that it's any of your business, Malfoy, but I have just landed a lead role in The Nutcracker.

Luna: Good for you, harry.

Harry: No, Luna, I haven't really… I was just… never mind.

**as Harry was forced to do a stupid kind of twirl in mid-air to dodge the Bludger, and he fled, the Bludger trailing a few feet behind him; and then, glaring back at Malfoy in hatred, he saw it — the Golden Snitch. **

Horace: Thank Merlin for that! I thought we would be here all night.

Hermione: Well, it's not like we can just up and leave.

**It was hovering inches above Malfoy's left ear — and Malfoy, busy laughing at Harry, hadn't seen it.**

Ron: That's what you get for being a slimy git.

Ginny: I thought that was what you used to call Snape?

Ron: It applies to both here.

**For an agonizing moment, Harry hung in mid-air, **

Minerva: Merlin, this woman loves the word 'mid-air'.

**not daring to speed toward Malfoy in case he looked up and saw the Snitch.**

**WHAM.**

(A sharp intake of breath comes from everyone at the table).

**He had stayed still a second too long. The Bludger had hit him at last, smashed into his elbow, and Harry felt his arm break. **

(Harry flinches and starts rubbing his arm).

**Dimly, dazed by the searing pain in his arm, he slid sideways on his rain-drenched broom, one knee still crooked over it, his right arm dangling useless at his side — the Bludger came pelting back for a second attack, this time zooming at his face — Harry swerved out of the way, one idea firmly lodged in his numb brain: get to Malfoy.**

George: And give him a big, wet, sloppy kiss.

Luna: You are quite a disturbing person, you know.

**Through a haze of rain and pain **

Neville: Rhyming skills!

**he dived for the shimmering, sneering face below him and saw its eyes widen with fear: Malfoy thought Harry was attacking him.**

Harry: I was.

"**What the —" he gasped, careering out of Harry's way.**

Hermione: It sounds like _you_ were the rogue Bludger.

Ginny: Harry Potter, Rogue Seeker. Sounds good. You should put it on a business card or something.

**Harry took his remaining hand off his broom and made a wild snatch; he felt his fingers close on the cold Snitch but was now only gripping the broom with his legs, and there was a yell from the crowd below as he headed straight for the ground, trying hard not to pass out.**

Luna: Don't worry, Harry, the Wrackspurts will save you. They wouldn't let the person they lived on hurt themselves.

Harry: I think they were on holiday or something, Luna.

**With a splattering thud he hit the mud and rolled off his broom. His arm was hanging at a very strange angle; riddled with pain, he heard, as though from a distance, a good deal of whistling and shouting. He focused on the Snitch clutched in his good hand.**

Harry: I have really bad luck with that Snitch. First I almost swallow it, then I get my arm broken while I try to get it.

"**Aha," he said vaguely. "We've won."**

All but Horace: WOOOOOO!

**And he fainted.**

George: What a line to go out on, though.

**He came around, rain falling on his face, still lying on the field, with someone leaning over him. He saw a glitter of teeth.**

Michael: Filch got dentures?

George: Now, _that_ is a disturbing thought.

"**Oh, no, not you," he moaned.**

Horace: What a charming young man.

Minerva: You never meant Lockhart. Saying that… what happened to our drinking game? I was rather enjoying taking shots whenever Lockhart popped his freakishly well-kept head into the story.

Michael: Dear, you know how you are when you drink too much.

(Minerva blushes a deep red).

"**Doesn't know what he's saying," said Lockhart loudly to the anxious crowd of Gryffindors pressing around them. "Not to worry, Harry. I'm about to fix your arm."**

George: Just like you banished a ghoul with a teapot.

Hermione: Actually, it was a tea-strainer.

(Ron shakes his head at her, disgusted).

"**No!" said Harry. "I'll keep it like this, thanks…"**

Harry: I'd rather a broken one than one covered in fish scales or something.

**He tried to sit up, but the pain was terrible. He heard a familiar clicking noise nearby.**

George: It was the clicking of Professor Snape's favourite sparkly red high heels.

Harry: The dude was a hero.

George: Doesn't mean we can't take the mick out of him, though. Being a hero does not excuse the years of arse-ish-ness he put us all through.

"**I don't want a photo of this, Colin," he said loudly.**

Ginny: Really? Not one for the scrapbook?

"**Lie back, Harry," **

George: "You just relax and I'll light up some lavender candles and set a violin to play a nice little romantic ditty".

**said Lockhart soothingly. "It's a simple charm I've used countless times —"**

Neville: That means trouble.

"**Why can't I just go to the hospital wing?" said Harry through clenched teeth.**

Luna: He was only trying to help, Harry.

Ron: Yes, but he was no good at magic, therefore could be of no help.

"**He should really, Professor," said a muddy Wood, who couldn't help grinning even though his Seeker was injured. "Great capture, Harry, really spectacular, your best yet, I'd say —"**

Horace: Really, truly obsessed. You should start encouraging your precious Gryffindors to have interests outside of Quidditch and school, Minerva.

Neville: I think you will find that they are _my _'precious Gryffindors' now, Horace.

**Through the thicket of legs around him, Harry spotted Fred and George Weasley, wrestling the rogue Bludger into a box. **

George: Bloody thing was a menace!

**It was still putting up a terrific fight.**

George: Like a puppy in a paddling pool.

"**Stand back," said Lockhart, who was rolling up his jade-green sleeves.**

Minerva: He even had to encroach upon my favourite colour.

Horace: I would say you go for more of an emerald than a jade green.

Minerva: What are you, a magical decorator?

Horace: I prefer stylist.

George: Maybe Lockhart had a thing for you, Minnie.

Minerva: DON'T-YOU-EVEN-GO-THERE-WEASLEY!

"**No — don't —" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his wand and a second later had directed it straight at Harry's arm.**

Harry (to Minerva): Why did you let him do this to me?

Minerva: I was trying to force my way past Severus, who was telling me that my team were cheats.

**A strange and unpleasant sensation started at Harry's shoulder and spread all the way down to his fingertips. It felt as though his arm was being deflated. **

Ron: Did it make that weird deflating noise that balloons make?

Hermione: I doubt it, Ron.

**He didn't dare look at what was happening. He had shut his eyes, his face turned away from his arm, but his worst fears were realized as the people above him gasped and Colin Creevey began clicking away madly. His arm didn't hurt anymore — nor did it feel remotely like an arm.**

Harry: It was like having a massive piece of arm-shaped jelly stuck to my body.

"**Ah," said Lockhart. "Yes. Well, that can sometimes happen. **

Hermione: Not if you do the spell properly.

**But the point is, the bones are no longer broken. **

Ginny: Because they no longer exist.

**That's the thing to bear in mind. So, Harry, just toddle up to the hospital wing — ah, Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger, would you escort him? — and Madam Pomfrey will be able to — er — tidy you up a bit."**

Harry: THAT'S WHAT I SAID IN THE FIRST PLACE!

George: Slow your roll.

Harry: What?

George: Again, I really don't know where that came from.

**As Harry got to his feet, he felt strangely lopsided. Taking a deep breath he looked down at his right side. What he saw nearly made him pass out again.**

Horace: Haven't got a strong stomach, have you, m'boy?

**Poking out of the end of his robes was what looked like a thick, flesh-coloured rubber glove. He tried to move his fingers. Nothing happened.**

Ginny: That happened to Angelica when she tried to fix her leg when she fell off of her broom. She will never be a Healer.

**Lockhart hadn't mended Harry's bones. He had removed them.**

Neville: Way to go. Mind you, I don't think I would have been able to do much better.

**Madam Pomfrey wasn't at all pleased.**

Ron: Is she ever happy? She always looks like she's about to curse somebody when I go to the Hospital Wing.

Minerva: No, she only does that to you lot. You hurt yourselves too much and she cares too much.

"**You should have come straight to me!" she raged, holding up the sad, limp remainder of what, half an hour before, had been a working arm. **

Harry: It's not like I hadn't said that.

**"I can mend bones in a second **

Minerva: Way to big yourself up, Poppy.

— **but growing them back —"**

Harry: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

"**You will be able to, won't you?" said Harry desperately.**

George: Desperate for what, though?

Harry: For my arm back.

George: Back from where, though?

Harry: Just shut up, George.

George: Shut up what, though?

"**I'll be able to, certainly, but it will be painful," said Madam Pomfrey grimly, throwing Harry a pair of pyjamas. **

Michael: Which he couldn't catch anyway because he only had the use of one arm. Slick move, Poppy.

**"You'll have to stay the night…"**

Horace: I don't see what you're complaining about. When I was in Hogwarts, it was a pleasure staying in the Hospital Wing just to get away from the miscreants in the common room… That, and the fact that the nurse at the time was the most gorgeous little filly I've ever seen.

Neville: Just… ew…

**Hermione waited outside the curtain drawn around Harry's bed while Ron helped him into his pyjamas. **

Hermione: Isn't it weird that, when you're twelve, you wouldn't dream of seeing members of the opposite sex undressing but once you hit fifteen, it's all you can think about?

Ron: I never knew you were into it then.

(Hermione blushes deeply).

**It took a while to stuff the rubbery, boneless arm into a sleeve.**

Ron: It was like wrestling with a lard-filled balloon.

"**How can you stick up for Lockhart now, Hermione, eh?" Ron called through the curtain as he pulled Harry's limp fingers through the cuff. "If Harry had wanted deboning he would have asked."**

(George is snickering loudly).

Neville: What?

(George begins laughing heartily).

Michael: I think our friend has used the word 'deboning' as a double-entendre, in reference to ridding oneself of the unfortunate downstairs problem.

Neville: I don't… oh…

"**Anyone can make a mistake," said Hermione. **

Ginny: You really had it bad for Lockhart, didn't you?

Hermione: I will continue to dispute that until my dying day.

**"And it doesn't hurt anymore, does it, Harry?"**

Harry: I don't think that was relevant to the point we were making.

"**No," said Harry, getting into bed. "But it doesn't do anything else either."**

Horace: I don't know, maybe you could strum a guitar with it or something…

**As he swung himself onto the bed, his arm flapped pointlessly.**

Horace: Just as the rest of him was rather pointless.

Ron: He saved the whole bloody Wizarding world!

**Hermione and Madam Pomfrey came around the curtain. Madam Pomfrey was holding a large bottle of something labelled Skele-Gro.**

Luna: What a convenient name.

"**You're in for a rough night," she said, pouring out a steaming beakerful and handing it to him. "Regrowing bones is a nasty business."**

Minerva: Don't worry, she just tries to scare people so that they won't do it again.

**So was taking the Skele-Gro. It burned Harry's mouth and throat as it went down, making him cough and splutter. **

Horace: Weren't expecting pumpkin juice, were you?

**Still tut-tutting about dangerous sports **

Minerva: I've lost count of the amount of times we've had this conversation. Quidditch is just like any sport; there is risk involved but it barely ever happens if you're a good player.

Horace: So that time when you dislocated your knee cap? That means you're a bad player?

Minerva: I said it 'barely ever' happens to good players.

Horace: Right. If you say so.

Minerva: Just because you can't get on a broom just in case you never get off of it again.

**and inept teachers, **

Minerva: Oh, I will _murder _that woman.

Michael: I think she's talking about Gilderoy.

Minerva: Oh…

**Madam Pomfrey retreated, leaving Ron and Hermione to help Harry gulp down some water. "We won, though," said Ron, a grin breaking across his face. **

Ginny: And you though Wood was obsessed.

Ron: I was only trying to cheer Harry up!

**"That was some catch you made. Malfoy's face… he looked ready to kill…"**

Hermione: He always looked ready to kill someone. Well, maybe not a person. Maybe a cockroach or something…

"**I want to know how he fixed that Bludger," said Hermione darkly.**

Horace: Always the immediate suspicion on Malfoys.

Neville: Not exactly the most trustworthy people on earth, though, are they?

"**We can add that to the list of questions we'll ask him when we've taken the Polyjuice Potion," said Harry, sinking back onto his pillows. "I hope it tastes better than this stuff…"**

Hermione: Bad luck.

"**If it's got bits of Slytherins in it? You've got to be joking," said Ron.** **The door of the hospital wing burst open at that moment. **

George: And in burst Professor Flitwick in a lime green leotard and pink ballet shoes, twirling around and around. Apparently, he had heard that Harry was training for the ballet and decided to join him.

**Filthy and soaking wet, the rest of the Gryffindor team had arrived to see Harry. **

Neville: Filch would go mad.

**"Unbelievable flying, Harry," said George. "I've just seen Marcus Flint yelling at Malfoy. Something about having the Snitch on top of his head and not noticing. **

Horace: You know, Flint's great-great-grandmother was part Veela.

Ron: Then you look at Marcus Flint and wonder where it all went wrong.

**Malfoy didn't seem too happy."**

Neville: I doubt you would be very happy with Flint's terrible breath in your face.

**They had brought cakes, sweets, and bottles of pumpkin juice; **

Ron: That sounds so good right about now.

Hermione: Will you stop thinking about your stomach for a minute?

Ginny: Has anyone wondered how we are getting food in here? I mean, Gamp's thingy –

Minerva: Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration.

Ginny: Yeah, that. The first Principal Exception is food. How are we getting it in here?

(A small note appears on the table).

Luna: Ooh, I'll read it. It says: _House elves. We don't want you to starve._

Neville: Who exactly is writing this stuff?

Luna: I doubt we'll be finding that out just yet.

**they gathered around Harry's bed and were just getting started on what promised to be a good party when Madam Pomfrey came storming over, **

Harry: Why wouldn't you lot just let us have a party?

Horace: If you saw their parties when they were at Hogwarts, m'boy, you would understand.

Michael: They weren't that bad.

Horace: I recall Albus telling me about having to dampen down a few fires and break up more than one rowdy couple. Then there was the time where the school woke up to find that barely any of the toilets worked because they had all been infested with pesky little water nymphs. It took the caretaker almost a week to get them all working again.

Michael: Well, I guess we _did_ know how to party.

Ron: Bloody hell.

**shouting, "This boy needs rest, he's got thirty-three bones to regrow! Out! OUT!" And Harry was left alone, with nothing to distract him from the stabbing pains in his limp arm.**

Harry: Apart from the fact that I just learned that there are thirty-three bones in your arm. It didn't keep me occupied for long…

**Hours and hours later, Harry woke quite suddenly in the pitch blackness and gave a small yelp of pain: **

Ginny: Aw, like a little puppy.

Harry: I will pull the puppy dog eyes on you.

Ginny: Damn.

**His arm now felt full of large splinters. For a second, he thought that was what had woken him. Then, with a thrill of horror, he realized that someone was sponging his forehead in the dark.**

Minerva: My bad.

Harry: What?

Minerva: I didn't realise you woke up.

Harry: You – you…

"**Get off!" he said loudly, and then, "Dobby!"**

Minerva: Dobby? Oh… well now we're all a little embarrassed.

George: Awww, Minnie does care!

**The house-elf's goggling tennis ball eyes were peering at Harry through the darkness. A single tear was running down his long, pointed nose.**

Luna: You made a House Elf cry? Shame on you!

"**Harry Potter came back to school," he whispered miserably. "Dobby warned and warned Harry Potter. **

Harry: Yeah, yeah, no need to rub it in.

**Ah sir, why didn't you heed Dobby? Why didn't Harry Potter go back home when he missed the train?"**

Ron: Hmm… magical world full of awesomeness (and amazing friends) or house of pigs? I wonder what you would choose.

**Harry heaved himself up on his pillows and pushed Dobby's sponge away.**

Ginny: Dobby would have made a great Healer.

Harry: No. Just no.

"**What're you doing here?" he said. "And how did you know I missed the train?"**

**Dobby's lip trembled and Harry was seized by a sudden suspicion.**

Horace: Always with the suspicion! Is nobody safe from your wild theories, Mr. Potter?

"**It was you!" he said slowly. "You stopped the barrier from letting us through!"**

"**Indeed yes, sir," said Dobby, nodding his head vigorously, ears flapping. "Dobby hid and watched for Harry Potter and sealed the gateway and Dobby had to iron his hands afterward" **

(There is a collective gasp).

Hermione: This is exactly what S.P.E.W. –

Ron: Not SPEW again!

Hermione: It's not _SPEW! _It's S.P.E.W.

— **he showed Harry ten long, bandaged fingers — "but Dobby didn't care, sir, for he thought Harry Potter was safe, and never did Dobby dream that Harry Potter would get to school another way!"**

Harry: Why must everyone underestimate me?

**He was rocking backward and forward, shaking his ugly head.**

Neville: Such a lovely kid, weren't you?

Harry: I didn't write this! How many times do I have to tell you that? Some person called J.K. Rowling did!

Ginny: You know, that name sounds vaguely familiar.

"**Dobby was so shocked when he heard Harry Potter was back at Hogwarts, he let his master's dinner burn! Such a flogging Dobby never had, sir…"**

Minerva: This is why nobody likes Malfoys.

Horace: Even _I_ never hurt my House Elf.

Luna: You have a House Elf?

Horace: Yes, Dieter is a dear little thing, bless his heart.

Ron: That's strangely cute. I'm suspicious.

Horace: You too? You lot are all paranoid.

**Harry slumped back onto his pillows.**

"**You nearly got Ron and me expelled," he said fiercely. "You'd better get lost before my bones come back, Dobby, or I might strangle you."**

Horace: Temper, temper.

Hermione: Harry! How could you?

Harry: He was really annoying when I first met him!

**Dobby smiled weakly.**

Ron: Creepy elf.

"**Dobby is used to death threats, sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home."**

George: Do you feel better now, Ronald? You insulted an elf that barely makes it through the day without being threatened. Do you feel better?

**He blew his nose on a corner of the filthy pillowcase he wore, looking so pathetic that Harry felt his anger ebb away in spite of himself.**

Hermione (sarcastically): Well, isn't that nice of you.

Harry: Let SPEW go!

Hermione: It's S.P.E.W.: The Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare!

"**Why d'you wear that thing, Dobby?" he asked curiously.**

"**This, sir?" said Dobby, plucking at the pillowcase. "'Tis a mark of the house-elf's enslavement, sir. Dobby can only be freed if his masters present him with clothes, sir. **

Neville: And a light bulb appears above his head!

Horace: Li-

Neville: A Muggle device for giving light. It runs on electricity.

Horace: Never heard of it.

Michael: You really should get out more.

Horace: Well, if you would detach your face from your wife for one second, you might notice that some of us have better things to be doing than running around in the Muggle world.

Michael: Like what?

Horace: Well… there's…

Michael: That settles it! When we get out of this place, I am finding you a nice girl… well… maybe not girl… old lady, probably.

George: Pfft. Good luck.

**The family is careful not to pass Dobby even a sock, sir, for then he would be free to leave their house forever."**

Ron: That's why Malfoy always smelled bad.

**Dobby mopped his bulging eyes and said suddenly, "Harry Potter must go home! Dobby thought his Bludger would be enough to make —"**

Neville: OH, this elf needs to learn to be less liberal with his mouth.

Minerva: Says the man who lost a complete set of Gryffindor passwords.

Neville: All you had to do was change the password again.

**"Your Bludger?" said Harry, anger rising once more. "What d'you mean, your Bludger? You made that Bludger try and kill me?"**

Harry: See, sometimes my suspicions do pan out.

Horace: Rarely.

"**Not kill you, sir, never kill you!" said Dobby, shocked. "Dobby wants to save Harry Potter's life! Better sent home, grievously injured, than remain here, sir! **

Michael: That is… _interesting _logic.

**Dobby only wanted Harry Potter hurt enough to be sent home!"**

Neville: And isn't that reassuring?

"**Oh, is that all?" said Harry angrily. "I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you wanted me sent home in pieces?"**

George: Much easier to transport that way.

"**Ah, if Harry Potter only knew!" Dobby groaned, more tears dripping onto his ragged pillowcase. "If he knew what he means to us, to the lowly, the enslaved, we dregs of the magical world! **

Luna: What a delightfully poetic little elf.

**Dobby remembers how it was when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was at the height of his powers, sir! We house-elves were treated like vermin, sir! **

Hermione: And without S.P.E.W –

Ron: Give. It. A. _Rest_.

**Of course, Dobby is still treated like that, sir," he admitted, drying his face on the pillowcase. **

George: Sympathy vote: The only way to get Harry Potter to do something he doesn't want to.

Harry: Not true.

George: Much.

**"But mostly, sir, life has improved for my kind since you triumphed over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Harry Potter survived, and the Dark Lord's power was broken, and it was a new dawn, sir, and Harry Potter shone like a beacon of hope for those of us who thought the Dark days would never end, sir… **

Minerva: You know, that reminds me of something Albus said to me a while back: 'Hope, my dear, is what keeps us alive, false or not.'

George: Hidden optimism, reference to a name (or "my dear") and simple enough words to make it seem very wise. Yep, sounds legitimate.

**And now, at Hogwarts, terrible things are to happen, are perhaps happening already, and Dobby cannot let Harry Potter stay here now that history is to repeat itself, now that the Chamber of Secrets is open once more."** **Dobby froze, horror-struck, then grabbed Harry's water jug from his bedside table and cracked it over his own head, toppling out of sight. **

Neville: Ouch.

**A second later, he crawled back onto the bed, cross-eyed, muttering, "Bad Dobby, very bad Dobby…"**

(Suddenly George falls to the floor, yelling "It's after me!". His hand appears at the edge of the table and appears to look around at the table's occupants like a periscope. George's face suddenly appears, panting and flushed. The hand turns towards him and pounces on his face, as if attacking him. "AAAAAARGH!" he shouts. A second later he disappears, only to reappear, punching his own hand to keep it away from his face. His head pops back under the table and his hand falls limply to the table's surface.)

George (appearing once more): Phew. That was close.

(Everyone stares at him, dumbfounded).

"**So there is a Chamber of Secrets?" Harry whispered. "And did you say it's been opened before? Tell me, Dobby!"**

Horace: Oh, you don't want to hear that story; it's vile.

Harry: I was a curious, twelve-year-old boy. I wanted to know everything.

Minerva: Yes, you cannot say you were not like that as a child, Horace. That is why – is it not? – that you stuck your head down a toilet as a child. You wanted to find out where everything went, I assume, rather than just being a truly revolting child.

Horace: How did you - ?

Minerva: There are certain perks to helping out Albus Dumbledore when he's had a few too many at the end of term.

**He seized the elf's bony wrist as Dobby's hand inched toward the water jug. "But I'm not Muggle-born — how can I be in danger from the Chamber?"**

"**Ah, sir, ask no more, ask no more of poor Dobby," stammered the elf, his eyes huge in the dark. "Dark deeds are planned in this place, **

George: And not just Snape's late-night escapades.

Ginny: I hope you don't mean what I think you mean by that.

**but Harry Potter must not be here when they happen**

George: Oh, I see how it is; get Potter out and let the rest of the school die. Fantastic.

— **go home, Harry Potter, go home. Harry Potter must not meddle in this, sir, 'tis too dangerous —"**

George: Lockhart's teeth are too shiny. You must escape!

"**Who is it, Dobby?" Harry said, keeping a firm hold on Dobby's wrist to stop him from hitting himself with the water jug again. "Who's opened it? Who opened it last time?"**

Minerva: This elf has just spent the past few minutes avoiding your questions. I doubt he would tell you something that big.

"**Dobby can't, sir, Dobby can't, Dobby mustn't tell!" squealed the elf. "Go home, Harry Potter, go home!"**

Neville: Oh, yes. A house elf, who you barely know, tries to stop you from getting to Hogwarts and almost kills you then tells you that you're in grave danger. Sounds legit.

"**I'm not going anywhere!" said Harry fiercely. "One of my best friends is Muggle-born; she'll be first in line if the Chamber really has been opened —"**

Ron: Not if I can help it.

Hermione (grabbing his hand): Ron…

"**Harry Potter risks his own life for his friends!" moaned Dobby in a kind of miserable ecstasy. **

Minerva: I don't think that oxymoron works.

George: You're an oxymoron!

Minerva: Sigh.

Michael: I don't know, I think it's that thing where people are happiest when they are miserable. Some sort of deep psychology thing.

Horace: It's also the basis of S&M.

Michael: Don't tell me you're into that!

Horace: I thought you would be.

Michael: No. I would probably be cursed if I tried. Oh no, that means I'm going to have to find you an old – sorry, _mature_ – lady who is into S&M… this is one promise I wish I hadn't made.

**"So noble! So valiant! **

Ginny: Don't, he won't be able to fit his head through the doorway.

**But he must save himself, he must, Harry Potter must not —"**

Hermione: Help his friends? No, of course not. He was only put in GRYFFINDOR: house of the brace and loyal, etcetera.

**Dobby suddenly froze, his bat ears quivering. **

Luna: I'm pretty sure he had elf ears, not bat ears.

**Harry heard it, too. There were footsteps coming down the passageway outside.**

George: Quick, Harry! Hide!

"**Dobby must go!" breathed the elf, terrified. There was a loud crack, and Harry's fist was suddenly clenched on thin air. He slumped back into bed, his eyes on the dark doorway to the hospital wing as the footsteps drew nearer.**

Neville: Dun, dun, dun, dun, de dun, dun, de dun. (Star Wars Darth Vader theme).

**Next moment, Dumbledore was backing into the dormitory, wearing a long woolly dressing gown and a nightcap. **

Minerva: That bloody thing was the bane of my life. You try playing chess opposite a man who insists on dressing like a drunken elf at the North Pole.

George: That North Pole?

Neville: You mean, Santa Claus…

Minerva: Of course he exists! Honestly, children will not believe anything these days!

Ginny: We aren't children anymore.

Minerva: Dear, when you get to my age – no, I will not mention the exact number – everybody who is younger than you is a child.

**He was carrying one end of what looked like a statue. Professor McGonagall appeared a second later, carrying its feet. Together, they heaved it onto a bed.**

Horace: Why didn't you use magic?

Minerva: That's what I said, but Albus just muttered something about respect… I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

**"Get Madam Pomfrey," whispered Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagall hurried past the end of Harry's bed out of sight. **

Luna: I'm sure a 'please' wouldn't go amiss.

**Harry lay quite still, pretending to be asleep. He heard urgent voices, and then Professor McGonagall swept back into view, closely followed by Madam Pomfrey, who was pulling a cardigan on over her nightdress. He heard a sharp intake of breath.**

Ginny: Madam Pomfrey had stood on a piece of Lego. That's a sharp Muggle building block toy, by the way.

"**What happened?" Madam Pomfrey whispered to Dumbledore, bending over the statue on the bed.**

Hermione: Yes, because they were _really _likely to put a statue on a bed.

Ron: This is Dumbledore we are talking about. Who knows what goes around his head?

"**Another attack," said Dumbledore. "Minerva found him on the stairs."**

Neville (stroking his non-existent beard): Convenient, Professor. Very convenient. Are you sure you are not the _culprit_?

Ginny: What is wrong with you today?

Neville: Sorry, it's the pumpkin juice. Sends my head into over-drive.

"**There was a bunch of grapes next to him," said Professor McGonagall. "We think he was trying to sneak up here to visit Potter."**

Harry: Way to make me feel better.

Minerva: You were supposed to be asleep. Anyway, at least you had someone trying to visit you!

**Harry's stomach gave a horrible lurch. **

Horace: First taste of guilt. Get used to it.

**Slowly and carefully, he raised himself a few inches so he could look at the statue on the bed. A ray of moonlight lay across its staring face.**

Luna: This story really has progressed quite poetically, hasn't it?

**It was Colin Creevey. His eyes were wide and his hands were stuck up in front of him, holding his camera.**

Ron: Even when he gets petrified, he won't drop the camera.

George: Probably wanted a picture of Harry lying in bed.

Hermione: Harsh.

George: But probably true.

"**Petrified?" whispered Madam Pomfrey.**

Michael: Nah, just a bit scared of the spiders.

Ron: Don't take the mick out of arachnophobia!

"**Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "But I shudder to think… If Albus hadn't been on the way downstairs for hot chocolate — who knows what might have —"**

Luna: I thought Professor Dumbledore said that you found him.

Minerva: I was walking around the castle and met Albus, who said he was going for cocoa and asked whether I would like to join him. I was heading the opposite way but I agreed anyway because I wasn't tired. I saw Colin in the stairs. If I hadn't run into Albus, I wouldn't have found him.

**The three of them stared down at Colin. Then Dumbledore leaned forward and wrenched the camera out of Colin's rigid grip.**

George: Giving a whole new meaning to "You'll have my camera over my lifeless body."

"**You don't think he managed to get a picture of his attacker?" said Professor McGonagall eagerly.**

Horace: Calm down, Miss Marple.

Minerva: Who?

Horace: A fictional old lady who goes around solving crimes by being a nosy bat. I stumbled across it in my younger days.

Minerva: Who are you calling 'old'?

Horace: You called yourself old a minute ago!

Minerva: Yes, but I will not have other people calling me old! Besides, you are older than me!

Horace: But I am also much less insecure.

**Dumbledore didn't answer. He opened the back of the camera.**

Horace: Like he knew how it actually worked.

"**Good gracious!" said Madam Pomfrey.**

George: - As she found the roll of pictures and was shocked to see nude images of Draco Malfoy himself!

Neville: You are a twisted human being.

**A jet of steam had hissed out of the camera. Harry, three beds away, caught the acrid smell of burnt plastic.**

Harry: Smelled like Goyle.

"**Melted," said Madam Pomfrey wonderingly. "All melted…"**

Hermione: Madam Pomfrey just became the Wicked Witch of the West.

"**What does this mean, Albus?" Professor McGonagall asked urgently.**

Ginny: Secretly, she was thinking: 'Just get it over with so I can get the hell back to bed'.

"**It means," said Dumbledore, "that the Chamber of Secrets is indeed open again."**

Neville: Insert dramatic music here.

Ron: I've always thought it would be awesome if real life had music playing through all of your most epic moments. Like: Battle Voldemort, no problem – put on track six.

Luna: I think you would be annoyed after a while. Plus, your ears would probably hurt.

**Madam Pomfrey clapped a hand to her mouth. Professor McGonagall stared at Dumbledore.**

George: Undressing him with her eyes.

Minerva: Weasley!

George: Sorry, Minnie, my ear has chosen now to start playing up. I can' quite hear you properly.

Minerva: I wonder if you'll hear me when I hex your legs together.

"**But, Albus… surely… who?"**

George: YOU KNOW WHO!

Minerva: No, I didn't. That's why I was asking.

George: No, I meant You-Know-Who…

Minerva: That is not helping the situation.

George: You-Know-Who… as in Voldemort.

Minerva: Oh… I see… I fear that joke has rather lost its impact now…

George (exasperatedly): You're telling me.

"**The question is not who," said Dumbledore, his eyes on Colin. "The question is, how…" **

Luna: No, I am pretty certain the question was 'who'.

**And from what Harry could see of Professor McGonagall's shadowy face, she didn't understand this any better than he did.**

Minerva: I didn't. But I remembered the last time.

Hermione: The last time?

Minerva: The last time the Chamber was opened.

* * *

_A/N: Excorio Venenum; actual Latin. Be jealous. :P Just kidding. Reviews, however, would be wonderful… if, that is, anybody is still alive at this point in the story._


	11. Go to the Corner!

_A/N: Thanks to greenlover2 for letting me know that I had already mentioned Horace's elf Morray. So, I shall say that he has one at home and a different one at Hogwarts, as do all of the staff. Hehe. ;)_

* * *

Luna: I would like to read if that is alright with all of you?

(When nobody objects, Luna picks up the book and begins in her usual dreamy voice).

**Chapter 11 – The Duelling Club**

**Harry woke up on Sunday morning to find the dormitory blazing with winter sunlight and his arm reboned but very stiff. **

Michael: And that was not the only stiff bone in his body.

George: One sentence in and you already start with the innuendoes!

Michael: What can I say? A new record, I think.

Horace: And not one to be proud of.

Michael: I could quite easily reach into my pocket and pull out my wand…

Horace: There you go again! Whatever would your wife say?

Minerva: I would say that you just turned a perfectly innocent threat into a rather vulgar innuendo.

Horace: That's exactly what he's been doing!

Minerva: Imitation is not the highest form of flattery, Horace.

Michael (jokingly): I don't know. I think it's working pretty well. (He winks animatedly, to the amusement of the Golden Trio and the disgust of Horace Slughorn).

Luna: May I continue?

**He sat up quickly and looked over at Colin's bed, but it had been blocked from view by the high curtains Harry had changed behind yesterday. **

Ron: There is only one set of curtains in the hospital wing? Whatever happened to privacy?

Neville: We can conjure more when we need them. And when I say 'we', I mean Madam Pomfrey.

**Seeing that he was awake, Madam Pomfrey came bustling over with a breakfast tray **

Horace: We're staff and we don't even get that sort of treatment.

Minerva: Well, you don't.

**and then began bending and stretching his arm and fingers. **

George: Then started to hyperventilate: "I… touched… the Boy… Who… Lived". And she fainted clean away.

"**All in order," she said as he clumsily fed himself porridge left-handed. **

Harry: Not. Amused.

**"When you've finished eating, you may leave." **

Harry: Hoorah! I thought she was going to keep me there forever!

George: Don't worry, Harry. She already had Professor Flitwick as her personal slave; she didn't need you as well.

**Harry dressed as quickly as he could and hurried off to Gryffindor Tower, desperate to tell Ron and Hermione about Colin and Dobby, **

Ginny: You little gossip-monger, you!

**but they weren't there. **

Luna: You could have at least waited for him.

**Harry left to look for them, wondering where they could have got to and feeling slightly hurt that they weren't interested in whether he had his bones back or not. **

Hermione: The world doesn't always revolve around you, Harry.

Harry: No, but this book does.

**As Harry passed the library, Percy Weasley strolled out of it, looking in far better spirits than last time they'd met. **

Ron: Percy? Happy? I don't believe it!

Ginny: Unless he just got laid… which I am pretty sure has _never_ happened.

George: Not once? Not even if the girl was drunk?

Ginny: He is too attached to the Minister's backside.

Harry: We should talk to Kingsley about that.

"**Oh, hello, Harry," he said. "Excellent flying yesterday, really excellent. **

Harry: As if it wasn't always excellent.

**Gryffindor has just taken the lead for the House Cup — you earned fifty points!" **

Horace: You can't just go around giving people fifty points for being good at flying.

Minerva: I run this place. If I wanted to, I could turn this place into a brothel.

Horace: Well, you would certainly fit in there.

Minerva: And suddenly my hand feels an unusual affinity for my wand.

"**You haven't seen Ron or Hermione, have you?" said Harry. **

"**No, I haven't," said Percy, his smile fading. "I hope Ron's not in another girls' toilet…" **

George: Ha! Percy thinks Ron's a pervert!

**Harry forced a laugh, **

Ron: Because he knew Percy was probably right.

**watched Percy walk out of sight, and then headed straight for Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. He couldn't see why Ron and Hermione would be in there again, **

Hermione: Really? A month-long brewing session is probably a good reason, Harry.

**but after making sure that neither Filch nor any prefects were around, he opened the door and heard their voices coming from a locked stall. **

Ginny: What on earth were you doing in there?

George: Each other?

Ron and Hermione: WE WERE TWELVE!

"**It's me," he said, closing the door behind him. There was a clunk, a splash, and a gasp**

Neville: You have to admit, that does sound wrong.

Ron: Only to those with a sick mind.

**from within the stall and he saw Hermione's eye peering through the keyhole. **

"**Harry!" she said. "You gave us such a fright — come in. How's your arm?" **

Harry: And now somebody shows some concern!

"**Fine," said Harry, squeezing into the stall. An old cauldron was perched on the toilet, and a crackling from under the rim told Harry they had lit a fire beneath it. Conjuring up portable, waterproof fires was a speciality of Hermione's. **

Horace: Are you sure you were only a second year?

Ron (pulling her into a side hug): That's my 'Mione. Brilliant.

"**We'd've come to meet you, but we decided to get started on the Polyjuice Potion," Ron explained as Harry, with difficulty, locked the stall again. **

Harry: Thanks, mate.

Ron: Well, it took a month to brew so I figured the sooner we start it, the sooner it's ready and the less people get attacked.

Horace: I am astounded; logic from a Weasley? Well I never!

**"We've decided this is the safest place to hide it."**

Ron: Well… I did suggest Gringotts…

Hermione: But I don't think the goblins would be too crazy about our brewing potions in their vaults. Not to mention the fact that we'd have to sneak in and out of Hogwarts, breaking about ten more rules than necessary.

Ron: I had meant it as a joke…

**Harry started to tell them about Colin, but Hermione interrupted. **

"**We already know — we heard Professor McGonagall telling Professor Flitwick this morning. **

George: You should really learn to talk more quietly.

Minerva: Perhaps you lot should stop listening in on private conversations.

George: No can do, Minnie, no can do.

**That's why we decided we'd better get going —" **

"**The sooner we get a confession out of Malfoy, the better," snarled Ron. **

Horace: You really have it in for that boy, don't you?

Harry: You didn't grow up with him.

Horace: I grew up with a great-great grandfather of his.

Minerva: Back in the stone ages, where school was nothing more than drawing primitive sketches on slates.

**"D'you know what I think? He was in such a foul temper after the Quidditch match, he took it out on Colin." **

Harry: I probably would have.

"**There's something else," said Harry, watching Hermione tearing bundles of knotgrass and throwing them into the potion. **

Michael: Careful, you sound like your developing some sort of Divination skill.

Neville (in a voice eerily like Sybil Trelawney's): Your Inner Eye has been unclouded.

"**Dobby came to visit me in the middle of the night." **

George: "And he touched me! Then he told me not to tell anybody, that it would be our little secret –"

Ginny: Stop right there, you creepy little man.

**Ron and Hermione looked up, amazed. Harry told them everything Dobby had told him — or hadn't told him. **

Horace: So you were making it up?

Harry: I prefer to think of it as 'filling in the gaps'. No innuendoes intended.

Michael: Oh, that is low.

**Hermione and Ron listened with their mouths open. **

Luna: Oh, that's attractive.

Neville: Luna, your sudden aptitude with sarcasm is beginning to scare me. I thought last chapter was a one-off, but you just keep going.

"**The Chamber of Secrets has been opened before?" Hermione said. **

Horace: Not pretty. Not. Pretty.

George: Neither is your face. Sorry, couldn't resist!

"**This settles it," said Ron in a triumphant voice. "Lucius Malfoy must've opened the Chamber when he was at school here and now he's told dear old Draco how to do it. **

Ginny: "Dear old Draco"? Really?

**It's obvious. Wish Dobby'd told you what kind of monster's in there, though. **

Neville: Life is never that easy.

Ron: Just for once, I would hope somebody would cut us a break.

**I want to know how come nobody's noticed it sneaking around the school." **

Ginny: Did _you_ ever see it sneaking around the school?

Ron: N-o…

Ginny: Case closed.

"**Maybe it can make itself invisible," said Hermione, prodding leeches to the bottom of the cauldron. **

Neville: Ewww.

**"Or maybe it can disguise itself — pretend to be a suit of armour or something — **

Minerva: Oh, that reminds me, I must use _Piertotum Locomotor_ on my last day if I ever feel like retiring.

Horace: Hasn't that sort of been done by now.

Minerva: Yes, by me. But I think all children should witness the sheer brilliance of suits of armour coming to life.

George: It would certainly liven up Transfiguration.

Minerva: Are you saying that my lessons were dull?

George: _Never_!

**I've read about Chameleon Ghouls —" **

Neville: Is that what made Lockhart pick all of those ridiculous robes?

Horace: If it is, it spread to Dumbledore's wardrobe, too.

"**You read too much, Hermione," said Ron, **

Hermione: You can never read too much.

Ginny: When it starts to inhibit your daily life and every other thing you say is a quote from a book, then you have read too much.

Hermione: Whatever happened to solidarity?

Ginny: Revolution.

**pouring dead lacewings on top of the leeches. He crumpled up the empty lacewing bag and looked at Harry. **

Neville: Then offered a lacewing to Harry as a snack.

"**So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you." **

Harry: See? People try to save my life and they almost kill me. People try to kill me and they almost kill me! I can't win.

**The news that Colin Creevey had been attacked and was now lying as though dead in the hospital wing had spread through the entire school by Monday morning. **

Minerva: It took that long?

**The air was suddenly thick with rumour and suspicion. **

Neville: And that is somehow different from normal?

**The first years were now moving around the castle in tight-knit groups, as though scared they would be attacked if they ventured forth alone.**

Luna: Reasonable fear.

Ron: For once.

**Ginny Weasley, **

Ginny: YAY!

Everyone else: YAY!

**who sat next to Colin Creevey in Charms, **

Neville: Lucky, lucky girl.

Harry: You're just jealous because he didn't want any pictures of you.

Neville: Yeah, that's right. Jealous.

**was distraught, but Harry felt that Fred and George were going the wrong way about cheering her up. **

George: Why does everybody say that?

**They were taking turns covering themselves with fur or boils and jumping out at her from behind statues. **

George: I thought it was a sound plan.

Ginny: It scared the hell out of me!

**They only stopped when Percy, apoplectic with rage, **

Ron (in an accent that would make the Queen blush): Oh, positively fuming, he was. I say! Spiffing lad!

**told them he was going to write to Mrs. Weasley and tell her Ginny was having nightmares. **

George: And we stopped immediately. One more Howler and I swear we would have been deafened for life. Not that this helped, either (he points towards his still-scarred ear).

**Meanwhile, hidden from the teachers, **

Minerva: I don't like the sound of this.

**a roaring trade in talismans, amulets, and other protective devices was sweeping the school. **

Minerva: Ten points from Gryffindor for turning Hogwarts into Borgin & Burke's.

Neville: How do you even know it was a Gryffindor?

Minerva: By the look on George Weasley's face.

**Neville Longbottom bought a large, evil-smelling green onion, a pointed purple crystal, and a rotting newt tail **

(Everyone looks at Neville).

Neville: Can I use the 'I was twelve excuse' that seems to be taking over our conversations?

Luna: The onion does work against Raving Maccalops', though.

Neville: I am not even going to ask…

**before the other Gryffindor boys pointed out that he was in no danger; he was a pure-blood, and therefore unlikely to be attacked. **

Neville: Why did you let me buy this crap before telling me that?

"**They went for Filch first," Neville said, his round face fearful. "And everyone knows I'm almost a Squib." **

Luna: Now, you know that's not true.

Ginny: Yeah, you were really badass in battle! And ever since.

**In the second week of December Professor McGonagall **

Minerva: YAY!

Everyone else: …

Minerva: Oh… I thought we were all still doing that…

**came around as usual, collecting names of those who would be staying at school for Christmas. **

George: Also known as "the saddos".

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione signed her list; **

George: I stand by my point.

**they had heard that Malfoy was staying, which struck them as very suspicious. **

Ron: What's the betting _Daddy_ got bored of him?

**The holidays would be the perfect time to use the Polyjuice Potion and try to worm a confession out of him. **

Neville: Evil geniuses never take breaks, do they?

Hermione: No, Neville, we do not.

**Unfortunately, the potion was only half finished. They still needed the bicorn horn and the boomslang skin, and the only place they were going to get them was from Snape's private stores. **

Michael: Good luck.

**Harry privately felt he'd rather face Slytherin's legendary monster than let Snape catch him robbing his office. **

Luna: You would probably sustain less injury that way…

"**What we need," said Hermione briskly as Thursday afternoon's double Potions lesson loomed nearer, "is a diversion. **

Ron: And what do you suggest, Ms. Evil Genius?

**Then one of us can sneak into Snape's office and take what we need." Harry and Ron looked at her nervously. **

"**I think I'd better do the actual stealing," Hermione continued in a matter-of-fact tone. **

Horace: Ye Gods! It's always the intelligent ones, isn't it?

"**You two will be expelled if you get into any more trouble, and I've got a clean record. **

Ron: _You_ are a mastermind.

**So all you need to do is cause enough mayhem to keep Snape busy for five minutes or so." **

George: And this is where I come in.

**Harry smiled feebly. Deliberately causing mayhem in Snape's Potions class was about as safe as poking a sleeping dragon in the eye. **

Ron: That's how Charlie lost his finger the first time.

Ginny: The first time?

Ron: The second was at your wedding, so we hushed it all up.

Hermione: Ron, sometimes you really are an idiot.

**Potions lessons took place in one of the large dungeons. Thursday afternoon's lesson proceeded in the usual way. **

Neville: A lot of explosions and Snape sarcasm, then?

**Twenty cauldrons stood steaming between the wooden desks, on which stood brass scales and jars of ingredients. Snape prowled through the fumes, making waspish remarks about the Gryffindors' work **

Ginny: And claiming that the Slytherins were perfect.

Horace: That's my boy.

**while the Slytherins sniggered appreciatively. Draco Malfoy, who was Snape's favourite student, **

Harry: Lucky Malfoy.

Ron: Lucky Snape.

**kept flicking puffer-fish eyes at Ron and Harry, who knew that if they retaliated they would get detention faster than you could say "Unfair." **

Hermione: Which it totally was.

Luna: Did you lot ever consider that if you treated him nicely, he might treat you nicely too?

Ron: Can't say we did.

**Harry's Swelling Solution was far too runny, but he had his mind on more important things. **

Horace: You see, in some less imaginative piece of fiction, this potion would be spilled all over somebody and they would start swelling all over. Or it would spill all over a Professor and become a powerful De-aging Potion. (_A/N: Yes, I am parodying my own story here_).

**He was waiting for Hermione's signal, and he hardly listened as Snape paused to sneer at his watery potion. **

Neville: Now he's going to know that something's up.

**When Snape turned and walked off to bully Neville, Hermione caught Harry's eye and nodded. **

Ginny: So subtle.

**Harry ducked swiftly down behind his cauldron, pulled one of Fred's Filibuster fireworks out of his pocket, and gave it a quick prod with his wand. **

George: Boom!

Neville and Minerva: HEY! That's my thing!

**The firework began to fizz and sputter. Knowing he had only seconds, Harry straightened up, took aim, and lobbed it into the air; it landed right on target in Goyle's cauldron. **

Luna: You should have been a Chaser, Harry.

**Goyle's potion exploded, showering the whole class. **

Horace: I take it back. Harry, m'boy, it was your fault that all these stories about Potions disasters came out of the woodwork.

**People shrieked as splashes of the Swelling Solution hit them. Malfoy got a faceful and his nose began to swell like a balloon; **

Luna: The cosmos provides justice in the strangest of ways.

Ron: What she means is: 'Serves him right'.

**Goyle blundered around, his hands over his eyes, which had expanded to the size of a dinner plate — **

George: His eyes? Ouch.

**Snape was trying to restore calm and find out what had happened. Through the confusion, Harry saw Hermione slip quietly into Snape's office. **

Hermione: Like a spy.

"**Silence! SILENCE!" Snape roared. **

Minerva: HA! So he wasn't so against Gryffindors, after all!

Michael: I think you are rather clutching at straws, dear.

"**Anyone who has been splashed, come here for a Deflating Draft — when I find out who did this —" **

Harry: I will rant at them for hours, dock a million House Points and threaten them with violence and expulsion.

Horace: Bitch and moan; that's all you do.

**Harry tried not to laugh as he watched Malfoy hurry forward, his head drooping with the weight of a nose like a small melon. **

(Everyone, even a reluctant Horace, laughs).

**As half the class lumbered up to Snape's desk, **

George: To receive _punishment_.

Minerva: Please stop.

George: Oh, don't tell me you haven't dreamed about it, Minnie!

**some weighted down with arms like clubs, **

Minerva: Like Horace after a night at the Three Broomsticks.

**others unable to talk through gigantic puffed-up lips, **

Horace: Like Minerva after a "snog session" with dear Dumbledore.

Ginny: "Snog session"?

Horace: Isn't that what the kids are saying now?

Neville: No.

**Harry saw Hermione slide back into the dungeon, the front of her robes bulging. **

Ron: That bastard impregnated you in the Store Cupboard.

Hermione: Calm down, Ron.

**When everyone had taken a swig of antidote and the various swellings had subsided, **

Michael: Ahem.

Minerva: Don't say it, darling.

Michael: I'm trying not to.

**Snape swept over to Goyle's cauldron and scooped out the twisted black remains of the firework. There was a sudden hush. **

"**If I ever find out who threw this," **

Ron: Which he didn't.

**Snape whispered, "I shall make sure that person is expelled." **

Ron: Which he didn't.

George: He'd already tried that year, though.

**Harry arranged his face into what he hoped was a puzzled expression. **

Ginny: You aren't really a great actor.

**Snape was looking right at him, **

Harry: My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

Horace: You know, they look just like –

Harry: My mother's. Yes, I know! Can people ever find anything else to talk about.

George: We were just distracting ourselves from all the ugliness.

Harry (ignoring George): What were you people doing staring into my mother's eyes, anyway?

**and the bell that rang ten minutes later could not have been more welcome. **

Hermione: Never has the phrase "saved by the bell" been more apt.

"**He knew it was me," Harry told Ron and Hermione as they hurried back to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. "I could tell." **

Horace: You are paranoid.

Michael: Actually, that's quite clever of you.

Harry: Is it?

Michael: Yes. Severus usually suspected you for everything so if you were prepared for him to blame you for this, at least you could prepare some sort of alibi or excuse.

**Hermione threw the new ingredients into the cauldron and began to stir feverishly. **

Neville: How did Snape fail to notice that you were carrying stolen ingredients in your jumper?

"**It'll be ready in two weeks," she said happily. **

Harry: Woah! We're halfway there!

Neville: Oh oh, living on a prayer!

"**Snape can't prove it was you," said Ron reassuringly to Harry. "What can he do?" **

Ginny: What can't he do?

"**Knowing Snape, something foul," said Harry as the potion frothed and bubbled. **

Ron: Truth.

**A week later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking across the entrance hall when they saw a small knot of people gathered around the notice board, reading a piece of parchment that had just been pinned up. **

George: Educational Decree Number Seven-Hundred and Ninety Two… wait… it's the wrong year. My bad.

**Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas beckoned them over, looking excited. **

George: They're giving out free Honeydukes samplers?

Ginny: They decided to hand Lockhart from the Astronomy Tower?

George: They've made hexing Muggle toilets legal?

Neville: Here's a tip for you; think about what you just said and write down all the ways in which it is wrong.

"**They're starting a Duelling Club!" **

Michael: Because this can't go wrong at all.

**said Seamus. "First meeting tonight! I wouldn't mind duelling lessons; they might come in handy one of these days…" **

Harry (shaking his head sadly): If only you knew, mate. If only you knew.

"**What, you reckon Slytherin's monster can duel?" said Ron, but he, too, read the sign with interest. **

Horace: Hypocrite?

Ron: Nope, it was a joke. As are you.

Horace: Claws away, Merlin!

"**Could be useful," he said to Harry and Hermione as they went into dinner. "Shall we go?" **

Hermione: No, we should stay rooted to this spot for the rest of eternity.

**Harry and Hermione were all for it, so at eight o'clock that evening they hurried back to the Great Hall. The long dining tables had vanished and a golden stage had appeared along one wall, lit by thousands of candles floating overhead. **

Minerva: Not thousands, they take too long to conjure up.

Hermione: But you can do hundreds at a time…

Minerva (smirking): Not if your name is Gilderoy Lockhart.

**The ceiling was velvety black once more and most of the school seemed to be packed beneath it, all carrying their wands and looking excited. **

Neville: That's usually what they look like at dinner time.

"**I wonder who'll be teaching us?" said Hermione as they edged into the chattering crowd. "Someone told me Flitwick was a duelling champion when he was young — maybe it'll be him." **

Horace: Oh, he was. Nobody could touch him. The speed of those jinxes…

"**As long as it's not —" Harry began, but he ended on a groan: Gilderoy Lockhart was walking onto the stage, resplendent in robes of deep plum**

Minerva: Oooh, new drinking game! A shot every time someone turns up in a ridiculous outfit!

George: You're on.

Michael: I'm in.

Luna: Can I do shots of pumpkin juice? It's just that Firewhiskey doesn't seem to agree with me.

Minerva: Of course, dear.

(All four drink a shot each, three of Firewhiskey and a pumpkin juice for Luna).

**and accompanied by none other than Snape, wearing his usual black. **

**Lockhart waved an arm for silence and called "Gather round, gather round! Can everyone see me? **

Harry: Unfortunately.

**Can you all hear me? **

Harry: Ditto.

**Excellent! **

Michael: Why, yes, I am!

"**Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little duelling club, to train you all in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions**

Horace: So you keep saying.

Minerva: And failing to demonstrate.

— **for full details, see my published works. **

(A loud collective groan ripples around the table).

"**Let me introduce my assistant, Professor Snape," **

Michael: Oh, this is priceless.

**said Lockhart, flashing a wide smile. **

Ron: I swear that man must have had false teeth.

Hermione: No, just weekly veneer–cleaning.

Ron: Why would you know that?

Hermione: I actually read his books when we were supposed to.

Ron: Whatever…

"**He tells me he knows a tiny little bit about duelling himself **

Ron: 'A tiny little bit'? I can't see him saying that.

**and has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration before we begin. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry — you'll still have your Potions master when I'm through with him, never fear!" **

Neville: Oh, we didn't.

"**Wouldn't it be good if they finished each other off?" Ron muttered in Harry's ear. **

Michael: It would certainly take care of a few problems.

Neville: Lockhart couldn't finish off a sandwich, let alone Snape.

**Snape's upper lip was curling. **

Luna: Bad sign.

**Harry wondered why Lockhart was still smiling; **

Minerva: Because he was an insufferable nitwit.

**if Snape had been looking at him like that he'd have been running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. **

Horace: Gryffindor? Are you sure?

**Lockhart and Snape turned to face each other and bowed; at least, Lockhart did, **

George: SNAPE BOWS TO NO-ONE!

**with much twirling of his hands, **

George: And a declaration that he was the campest man in history…

**whereas Snape jerked his head irritably. **

Ron: Surprise, surprise.

**Then they raised their wands like swords in front of them. **

Harry (pointing his wand at Ron): Are ye worthy, Sir Lockhart?

Ron: Why do I always have to be Lockhart?

Ginny: Always? You do this regularly?

Neville (mumbling): Still not as good as my sword.

"**As you see, we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position," Lockhart told the silent crowd. "On the count of three, we will cast our first spells. Neither of us will be aiming to kill, of course."**

Minerva: You might not be…

"**I wouldn't bet on that," Harry murmured, watching Snape baring his teeth. **

Luna: Can bats bare their teeth?

Ron: That is the best question I have heard in my life!

"**One — two — three —" **

George: Everybody hold it!

Neville: What's the matter?

George: Lockhart can count to three!

(A round of slow, sarcastic applause ripples around the table).

**Both of them swung their wands above their heads and pointed them at their opponent; Snape cried: "Expelliarmus!" **

Harry: Lockhart's dead.

**There was a dazzling flash of scarlet light and Lockhart was blasted off his feet: **

(Raucous cheers erupt around the table).

**He flew backward off the stage, smashed into the wall, and slid down it to sprawl on the floor. **

(Everybody cheers yet again).

Luna: Does anybody feel bad about laughing at him so much?

All: Nope.

**Malfoy and some of the other Slytherins cheered. **

Ron: As well as all the boys present… and Snape.

**Hermione was dancing on tiptoes. **

Harry: I thought I was the one practicing for the ballet.

**"Do you think he's all right?" she squealed through her fingers. **

Ron: Tut, tut.

"**Who cares?" said Harry and Ron together. **

Ginny: Such compassion for your fellow human beings.

**Lockhart was getting unsteadily to his feet. His hat had fallen off and his wavy hair was standing on end. **

Luna: Like a pixie.

Neville: Yes, Luna, just like a pixie.

Hermione: He had actually just been electrocuted.

"**Well, there you have it!" he said, tottering back onto the platform. "That was a Disarming Charm — as you see, I've lost my wand — ah, thank you, Miss Brown — **

Hermione: As in Lavender Brown?

Ron: Don't get jealous.

Hermione: Who said I was jealous, Won-Won?

George: She got you, Wonnie.

**yes, an excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape, **

Michael: I doubt he did it for educational purposes.

Neville: I swear Dumbledore set this up as an excuse for everyone to take out their anger on Lockhart.

**but if you don't mind my saying so, it was very obvious what you were about to do. **

(Minerva lets out a distinctly un-ladylike snort).

Minerva: That's why you didn't block it.

**If I had wanted to stop you it would have been only too easy**

Michael: That's why you did nothing…

— **however, I felt it would be instructive to let them see…" **

Minerva: Their Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher being disarmed without a fight?

**Snape was looking murderous. **

Harry: As per usual.

**Possibly Lockhart had noticed, because he said, "Enough demonstrating! **

Neville: The only thing he was demonstrating was how terrible he was at magic above first-year level.

**I'm going to come amongst you now and put you all into pairs. Professor Snape, if you'd like to help me —" **

George: HA! Good luck!

**They moved through the crowd, matching up partners. Lockhart teamed Neville with Justin Finch-Fletchley, but Snape reached Harry and Ron first. **

Harry and Ron: Nooooo!

"**Time to split up the dream team, I think," he sneered. **

Ron: Dream Team? I like that one. Can we keep it, can we, can we, can we?

Harry: Only if you are a very good boy.

**"Weasley, you can partner Finnigan. Potter —" **

Harry: No.

**Harry moved automatically toward Hermione. **

Hermione: Well, it's nice to know that I am your second choice.

"**I don't think so," said Snape, smiling coldly. "Mr. Malfoy, come over here. **

Harry: NO!

George: Bwah ha ha ha ha!

**Let's see what you make of the famous Potter. **

Harry: Why must he call me that?

Luna: Fame is a fickle friend, Harry.

Harry: Don't! You sound like Lockhart!

**And you, Miss Granger — you can partner Miss Bulstrode." **

Hermione: He was just waiting for me to be trampled so that I wouldn't be the best in Potions.

Horace: Didn't really think that through, did he?

**Malfoy strutted over, smirking. **

George: And he does his little turn on the catwalk!

**Behind him walked a Slytherin girl who reminded Harry of a picture he'd seen in Holidays with Hags. **

Hermione: You did read it then?

Harry: I didn't want to fail Defence Against the Dark Arts…

**She was large and square and her heavy jaw jutted aggressively. Hermione gave her a weak smile that she did not return. **

Ginny: Nice try.

Neville: That girl wouldn't smile if she saw a monkey kick Snape in the nether regions.

George: That is a disturbing – yet somewhat _brilliant _– idea.

"**Face your partners!" called Lockhart, back on the platform. "And bow!" **

Horace: Who actually bows in a proper duel?

**Harry and Malfoy barely inclined their heads, not taking their eyes off each other. **

George: And that was the moment they both realised that they were madly and inexplicably in love with each other.

Harry: You are disgusting.

George: Didn't deny it though, did you, Potter?

Harry: I didn't think it needed to be denied.

Michael: I don't know, I'd like to hear this. After all, enemies can often become something much more.

Minerva: I mean, just look at Argus and Horace.

Horace: How dare you?

Harry: I am not – and never have been – in love with, or attracted to, Draco Malfoy. Are you people satisfied now?

"**Wands at the ready!" shouted Lockhart. "When I count to three, cast your charms to disarm your opponents — **

Hermione: Not even a sneaky little hex?

**only to disarm them — **

Horace: Fat chance with this lot!

**we don't want any accidents — **

Neville: I daresay some of us did.

**one… two… three —" **

George: WAIT!

Neville: What this time?

George: He did it again!

**Harry swung his wand high, but Malfoy had already started on "two": **

Michael, Neville and Ron: Dirty, rotten cheat!

Horace: I would like to point out that this is not indicative of the behaviour of all Slytherins.

Ginny: Just most of them.

**His spell hit Harry so hard he felt as though he'd been hit over the head with a saucepan. **

Harry: Ouch! I'm getting duel flashbacks.

**He stumbled, but everything still seemed to be working, and wasting no more time, Harry pointed his wand straight at Malfoy **

Minerva: 'Attaboy!

**and shouted, "**_**Rictusempra!**_**" A jet of silver light hit Malfoy in the stomach and he doubled up, wheezing. **

(The tables erupts in cheers and Ginny starts up a chant of "GO HARRY!", which everybody – even Slughorn – joins in with).

"**I said disarm only!" Lockhart shouted in alarm **

Minerva: Don't tell children that, it will just make them want to hurt each other.

**over the heads of the battling crowd, as Malfoy sank to his knees; **

Harry: HA! BOW TO ME!

Hermione: Are you alright, Harry?

**Harry had hit him with a Tickling Charm, **

Harry: You have no idea how badly I wanted to use that on Dudley.

**and he could barely move for laughing. Harry hung back, with a vague feeling it would be unsporting to bewitch Malfoy while he was on the floor, **

Minerva: Take notice, Slug.

**but this was a mistake; **

Ron: Isn't it always?

**gasping for breath, Malfoy pointed his wand at Harry's knees, choked, "**_**Tarantallegra**_**!" and the next second Harry's legs began to jerk around out of his control in a kind of quickstep. **

George: You were training for ballroom dancing _and _ballet?

Harry: And, yet, I was still terrible at the Yule Ball.

"**Stop! Stop!" screamed Lockhart, but Snape took charge. **

Horace: Finally! Someone with half a brain!

Hermione (to Minerva): Didn't you think you might need to supervise this?

Minerva: Albus wouldn't let me. He said Severus would be able to handle it but I think he just knew that I really wanted to duel Lockhart… and that he wouldn't have walked away from that duel without some sort of serious injury.

**"Finite Incantatem!" **

Michael: You see, you learn that spell in your first year and still Gilderoy couldn't do it.

**he shouted; Harry's feet stopped dancing, Malfoy stopped laughing, and they were able to look up. **

Ginny: Into Snape's greasy face of terror.

**A haze of greenish smoke was hovering over the scene. **

George: Like when a cartoon character let's off a bottom burp.

Neville (to Horace): Don't ask.

**Both Neville and Justin were lying on the floor, panting; Ron was holding up an ashen-faced Seamus, **

Minerva: Goodness, that boy liked to blow things up!

**apologizing for whatever his broken wand had done; **

Minerva: Oh…

**but Hermione and Millicent Bulstrode were still moving; Millicent had Hermione in a headlock and Hermione was whimpering in pain; **

Ginny: I'm pretty sure that Muggle fighting is not allowed in a wizard duel.

**both their wands lay forgotten on the floor. Harry leapt forward and pulled Millicent off. **

Harry: Harder. Than. It. Sounds.

**It was difficult: **

George: She was an elephant.

Luna: No, she was a person.

**She was a lot bigger than he was. **

Neville: Bet that feels good to know.

"**Dear, dear," said Lockhart, skittering through the crowd, looking at the aftermath of the duels. "Up you get, Macmillan…"**

Minerva: Perhaps if you had taught them the disarming spells first, you wouldn't be faced with this problem.

"**Careful there, Miss Fawcett… Pinch it hard, it'll stop bleeding in a second," **

Michael: Oh, so now he's a Healer, too?

"**I think I'd better teach you how to block unfriendly spells," **

Neville: Why is he teaching the class backwards?

**said Lockhart, standing flustered in the midst of the hall. He glanced at Snape, whose black eyes glinted, and looked quickly away. **

Minerva: See! Even Severus found it funny!

Luna: How do you know that?

Minerva: He always looked away when he was trying to stop himself smiling; he had a reputation to uphold, after all.

**"Let's have a volunteer pair — Longbottom and Finch-Fletchley, how about you —" **

Ron: Ha! Justin could barely pick up his wand!

"**A bad idea, Professor Lockhart," said Snape, gliding over like a large and malevolent bat. **

Luna: Why would you be so harsh to bats by comparing them with somebody who always seems to be in a foul mood?

"**Longbottom causes devastation with the simplest spells. **

Neville: And he wondered why I always got nervous?

**We'll be sending what's left of Finch-Fletchley up to the hospital wing in a matchbox." Neville's round, pink face went pinker. **

Neville: Which it is doing right now.

"**How about Malfoy and Potter?" said Snape with a twisted smile. **

Harry: Jackass.

"**Excellent idea!" said Lockhart, **

Harry: NO! Bad idea! Idiot!

**gesturing Harry and Malfoy into the middle of the hall as the crowd backed away to give them room. **

Luna: Or just to put themselves out of the curse range.

"**Now, Harry," said Lockhart. "When Draco points his wand at you, you do this." **

Michael: Whatever he does, don't copy him.

**He raised his own wand, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action, **

George: In an attempt to do a sexy hula dance.

**and dropped it. **

(The table cannot contain their laughter).

Harry: It's not funny! He was trying to get me killed.

Minerva: I doubt it. There's no way it will be the Defence teacher twice in a row; that's too obvious.

**Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, "Whoops— my wand is a little overexcited—" **

Michael: So is mine.

Minerva: Darling! (Lowering her voice to a whisper) Not here!

**Snape moved closer to Malfoy, bent down, and whispered something in his ear. Malfoy smirked, too. **

George: Snape always enjoyed telling dirty jokes to Slytherins. Malfoy rather enjoyed them too…

**Harry looked up nervously at Lockhart and said, "Professor, could you show me that blocking thing again?" **

Neville: I doubt it.

"**Scared?" muttered Malfoy, so that Lockhart couldn't hear him. **

Minerva: I wouldn't worry, his ears are not attuned to anything other than the sound of his own voice.

"**You wish," said Harry out of the corner of his mouth. **

Ginny: You get him, Harry!

**Lockhart cuffed Harry merrily on the shoulder. "Just do what I did, Harry!" **

"**What, drop my wand?" **

(Another round of laughter captures the group and slowly begins to subside).

**But Lockhart wasn't listening. **

Minerva: Again.

"**Three — two — one — go!" he shouted. **

**Malfoy raised his wand quickly and bellowed, "**_**Serpensortia**_**!" **

Horace: He didn't!

Harry: I think he did.

Luna: What does that do?

Hermione: If you read on, you'll find out.

**The end of his wand exploded. **

(Michael whispers into Minerva's ear. She begins blushing furiously).

**Harry watched, aghast, as a long black snake shot out of it, fell heavily onto the floor between them, and raised itself, ready to strike. **

George: A POSE! Strike a pose! Nobody laughing at that? Not even one person? Not at all? I'll just be quiet then…

**There were screams as the crowd backed swiftly away, clearing the floor. **

"**Don't move, Potter," said Snape lazily, clearly enjoying the sight of Harry standing motionless, eye to eye with the angry snake. "I'll get rid of it…" **

Ginny: Oh, Severus Snape to the rescue. Although, saying that, I can kind of see him in a Superman costume…

(Ron and Harry look at her, disgusted).

"**Allow me!" shouted Lockhart. **

All: NO!

**He brandished his wand at the snake and there was a loud bang; the snake, instead of vanishing, flew ten feet into the air and fell back to the floor with a loud smack. **

Minerva: Surprise, surprise.

**Enraged, hissing furiously, it slithered straight toward Justin Finch-Fletchley and raised itself again, fangs exposed, poised to strike. **

**Harry wasn't sure what made him do it. **

Horace: Uh oh.

**He wasn't even aware of deciding to do it. All he knew was that his legs were carrying him forward as though he was on casters and that he had shouted stupidly at the snake, "Leave him alone!" **

Neville: Oh… that's what you said?

Harry: I did try to explain.

Horace: I don't understand…

Hermione: You will do.

**And miraculously — inexplicably — the snake slumped to the floor, docile as a thick, black garden hose, **

Harry: Which can be a nightmare sometimes.

**its eyes now on Harry. Harry felt the fear drain out of him. He knew the snake wouldn't attack anyone now, though how he knew it, he couldn't have explained. **

**He looked up at Justin, grinning, expecting to see Justin looking relieved, or puzzled, or even grateful — but certainly not angry and scared. **

Ron: Would have thought you would be used to that by now.

"**What do you think you're playing at?" he shouted, and before Harry could say anything, Justin had turned and stormed out of the hall. **

Harry: That's gratitude for you.

Hermione: Well it's not every day that you have someone talk to snakes right in front of you.

**Snape stepped forward, waved his wand, and the snake vanished in a small puff of black smoke. Snape, too, was looking at Harry in an unexpected way: It was a shrewd and calculating look, and Harry didn't like it. **

Harry (to Horace): If you say one word about how I'm always suspicious of Snape, I will jinx you.

Ron: You have to admit, though, that you did blame him for everything even though he practically saved you several times. He must have been gutted.

Harry: When you put it like that, it makes it sound as though he had the right to hate me…

**He was also dimly aware of an ominous muttering all around the walls. Then he felt a tugging on the back of his robes. **

George: "I want to kill you, Potter. Right here."

Ginny: George. Stop.

George: No matter how many times you tell me to stop, I am going to keep coming up with creative – and slightly vile – additions to the story. Therefore, I suggest you stop trying and save your breath for someone who is more likely to listen to you.

"**Come on," said Ron's voice in his ear. "Move — come on —" **

Harry: Would it kill you to learn some manners?

Ron: Frankly, yes.

**Ron steered him out of the hall, Hermione hurrying alongside them. As they went through the doors, the people on either side drew away as though they were frightened of catching something. **

George: Hog warts? Pretty nasty, those… or so I hear…

**Harry didn't have a clue what was going on, **

Harry: Did I ever?

**and neither Ron nor Hermione explained anything until they had dragged him all the way up to the empty Gryffindor common room. **

Harry: By the ear.

Hermione: Sorry.

**Then Ron pushed Harry into an armchair and said, "You're a Parselmouth. Why didn't you tell us?" **

Horace: A Parselmouth?

George: No, he said a Prance-about. You know, owing to his ballet and ballroom training.

"**I'm a what?" said Harry. **

George: I said, a Prance-about.

"**A Parselmouth!" said Ron. "You can talk to snakes!" **

Harry: You know, I can't seem to do it anymore…

Ginny: Yes, you looked like an idiot that day at the zoo.

"**I know," said Harry. "I mean, that's only the second time I've ever done it. I accidentally set a boa constrictor on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once**

Hermione: The worst accidental magic I did was setting a fire in my kitchen.

Ginny: I managed to burst a window pane when I thought Ron had stolen my favourite teddy bear.

Minerva: I started a storm in the Highlands when I was six.

Ginny: You what?

Minerva: What can I say? I was a challenging child.

— **long story — but it was telling me it had never seen Brazil and I sort of set it free without meaning to that was before I knew I was a wizard —" **

"**A boa constrictor told you it had never seen Brazil?" Ron repeated faintly. **

Harry: Well, when you put it like that, I sound like a bit of a nutter.

Ron: A bit? You were telling us that a SNAKE told _you _that it had never seen Brazil.

"**So?" said Harry. "I bet loads of people here can do it." **

Horace: Oh, so naïve.

Harry: You would be, too, if you were raised by Muggles who forbade you from asking questions.

"**Oh, no they can't," said Ron. "It's not a very common gift. Harry, this is bad." **

Michael: The gift itself is not bad, per se. People just seem to frown upon the very things that make us different.

George: What dear Michael is trying to say, in a rather Dumbledorey sort of way, is that you should cover that stuff up. Do it in secret.

"**What's bad?" said Harry, starting to feel quite angry. **

Neville (in a strange, low whisper): Everything.

George: Dude…

**"What's wrong with everyone? Listen, if I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin —" **

Neville: It would have bitten his gigantic head off.

Ginny: Neville, have you been drinking?

"**Oh, that's what you said to it?" **

Harry: Well, I wasn't going to tell it to start dancing on the ceiling!

"**What d'you mean? You were there — you heard me —" **

Michael: Heard but did not understand, evidently.

"**I heard you speaking Parseltongue," said Ron. "Snake language. **

Hermione: How very eloquent of you, Ronald.

Luna: You know, it's not just for snakes. Lizards speak Parseltongue too.

Horace: My Uncle Tarry used to be able to speak Parseltongue… or so he said…

**You could have been saying anything — no wonder Justin panicked, you sounded like you were egging the snake on or something — **

Neville: I wish you had.

Ron: Seriously? What do you have against Justin?

Neville: In our fist Herbology lesson, he tried to get a Venemous Tentacula to rip my face off.

Luna: I think you might be exaggerating a little.

Neville: I'm not.

**it was creepy, you know —" **

Harry: I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOOOOOOOD!

Neville: What the hell was that?

Harry: It was my Dracula impression. Creeped out?

Neville: A little, yes.

Harry: Mission accomplished (he turns to high-five Ron, who ignores him completely). Hey!

**Harry gaped at him. **

Horace: What is it with you lot and unattractive open-mouthed gazing?

Minerva: What is it with you and long-winded, utterly pointless comments?

"**I spoke a different language? But — I didn't realize — how can I speak a language without knowing I can speak it?" **

George: You could –

Ginny: STOP! RIGHT! THERE!

**Ron shook his head. Both he and Hermione were looking as though someone had died. **

Luna: Someone dies every few seconds.

Ron: Wow… thanks for that…

**Harry couldn't see what was so terrible. **

Ginny: Poor, deluded little popsicle.

"**D'you want to tell me what's wrong with stopping a massive snake biting off Justin's head?" **

Luna: I don't think it was quite that serious.

**he said. "What does it matter how I did it as long as Justin doesn't have to join the Headless Hunt?" **

George: Sir Nicholas would be outraged.

"**It matters," said Hermione, speaking at last in a hushed voice, "because being able to talk to snakes was what Salazar Slytherin was famous for. That's why the symbol of Slytherin House is a serpent." **

Horace: Huh. I never thought about that.

**Harry's mouth fell open. **

Horace: Again with the fly-catching.

"**Exactly," said Ron. "And now the whole school's going to think you're his great-great-great-great-grandson or something —" **

"**But I'm not," said Harry, with a panic he couldn't quite explain. **

Minerva: Oh, with the Pureblood morals the way they were, you might just have been.

"**You'll find that hard to prove," said Hermione. "He lived about a thousand years ago; for all we know, you could be." **

Harry: For all we know, _you_ could be!

Hermione: Don't be childish, Harry.

**Harry lay awake for hours that night. Through a gap in the curtains around his four-poster he watched snow starting to drift past the tower window and wondered… **

George: "How many people have died in the time it took me to get round to this question?"

**Could he be a descendant of Salazar Slytherin? **

George: Let down.

Harry: I'm sorry I don't have weirder thoughts, I just had more pressing matters at hand that day and I wasn't used to people INVADING MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS!

**He didn't know anything about his father's family, after all. The Dursleys had always forbidden questions about his wizarding relatives. **

Minerva (with tightly-clenched fists): I have nothing about Muggles, but _these_ Muggles are something else!

Michael: Hey, there was nothing you could do.

**Quietly, Harry tried to say something in Parseltongue. The words wouldn't come. It seemed he had to be face-to-face with a snake to do it.**

George: That's what she said.

_**But I'm in Gryffindor**_**, Harry thought. **_**The Sorting Hat wouldn't have put me in here if I had Slytherin blood…**_

Luna: But it wanted to put you in Slytherin, didn't it?

_**Ah**_**, said a nasty little voice in his brain, **_**but the Sorting Hat wanted to put you in Slytherin, don't you remember?**_

Michael: It is the House that chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter.

Harry: You sound like someone else I know…

Michael: Oh, and you should really see somebody about those voices you keep hearing.

Harry: Oh, I did.

**Harry turned over. He'd see Justin the next day in Herbology and he'd explain that he'd been calling the snake off, not egging it on, which (he thought angrily, pummelling his pillow) **

Ginny: You used to punch your pillow?

Michael: It's better than writing down your thoughts and then setting fire to them.

Ginny: You used to do that?

Michael: No. But I know someone who did.

Horace: That was _one _time!

**any fool should have realized. **

**By next morning, however, the snow that had begun in the night had turned into a blizzard so thick that the last Herbology lesson of the term was cancelled: **

(Everyone cheers except for Neville).

Neville: Why does everybody hate Herbology?

George: Don't worry, Nev. Now you've realised this, you can accept the fact that you've devoted your life to a pointless subject and can move on with your life.

Minerva: You know, if it weren't for Herbologists, we wouldn't have any medicines at all.

George: Yes, but Neville never found a cure for Dragon Pox.

**Professor Sprout wanted to fit socks and scarves on the Mandrakes, **

Horace: Bloody Hufflepuffs. Such do-gooders.

Luna: And particularly good Finders.

**a tricky operation she would entrust to no one else, **

Hermione: Not that anybody else would accept such a task.

**now that it was so important for the Mandrakes to grow quickly and revive Mrs. Norris and Colin Creevey. **

Ron: Why put the cat first?

Michael: A life is a life.

Ron: Yes, but evil does not need saving, it needs destroying.

Michael: Perhaps if people had thought differently all those years ago, the war might have never happened.

Horace: We have no time for your philosophy! I just want to go to sleep soon.

Neville: It's four in the afternoon.

Minerva: But Horace is getting old and he hasn't had his nap yet.

**Harry fretted about this next to the fire in the Gryffindor common room, while Ron and Hermione used their time off to play a game of wizard chess. **

Ron: Which I beat her mercilessly at.

Michael: If you take away the first and last words of that sentence, you would be a total dog.

"**For heaven's sake, Harry," said Hermione, exasperated, as one of Ron's bishops wrestled her knight off his horse and dragged him off the board. **

George: Don't blame poor Harry for your chess ineptitude.

Ron: She still hasn't managed to beat me at chess.

Hermione: It's too confusing…

Ron: Too confusing for the cleverest witch of her age, I think not!

**"Go and find Justin if it's so important to you." So Harry got up and left through the portrait hole, **

Hermione: As if there was any other way out.

**wondering where Justin might be. **

George: Probably taking drugs in the second floor bathroom.

**The castle was darker than it usually was in daytime because of the thick, swirling grey snow at every window. **

Ginny: The only good thing about Scotland!

**Shivering, Harry walked past classrooms where lessons were taking place, catching snatches of what was happening within. Professor McGonagall was shouting at someone **

Horace: Nothing unusual there, then.

Minerva: Actually, I don't shout… unless your name is Slughorn, Peeves or Umbridge.

Michael: Or Michael.

**who, by the sound of it, had turned his friend into a badger. **

Harry: You could have just turned them back.

Minerva: I did!

**Resisting the urge to take a look, **

George: Nosy.

Harry: I resisted!

**Harry walked on by, thinking that Justin might be using his free time to catch up on some work, and deciding to check the library first. **

Ginny: Why does everybody always choose the library? Nobody _ever_ uses the library.

(Hermione clears her throat).

Ginny: Oh, except Hermione, of course.

**A group of the Hufflepuffs who should have been in Herbology were indeed sitting at the back of the library, but they didn't seem to be working. **

Minerva: Nobody works at the back of the library.

George: What goes on at the back of the library?

Minerva (looking at Michael): Oh, plenty of things.

**Between the long lines of high bookshelves, Harry could see that their heads were close together and they were having what looked like an absorbing conversation. **

Horace: Probably about what else they could possibly do to make the world a nicer, more huffly-puffly world.

**He couldn't see whether Justin was among them. He was walking toward them when something of what they were saying met his ears, and he paused to listen, hidden in the Invisibility section. **

Neville: Nice choice.

"**So anyway," a stout boy was saying, "I told Justin to hide up in our dormitory. I mean to say, if Potter's marked him down as his next victim, it's best if he keeps a low profile for a while. **

Harry: Seriously? This school! Do you, like, breed gossip like a fungus in the walls or something?

Minerva: Well, I've been trying to get the caretaker to remove it for years, but he;s too scared of it.

**Of course, Justin's been waiting for something like this to happen ever since he let slip to Potter he was Muggle-born. **

Harry: Oh, Merlin, I'd forgotten about that.

**Justin actually told him he'd been down for Eton. **

Michael: Merlin, really?

Horace: What's Eton?

Michael: I private Muggle school for boys with extremely rich and snobby parents.

Horace: Bitter much?

**That's not the kind of thing you bandy about with Slytherin's heir on the loose, is it?" **

Neville: That _was_ a bit stupid of him.

"**You definitely think it is Potter, then, Ernie?" said a girl with blonde pigtails anxiously.**

"**Hannah," said the stout boy solemnly, "he's a Parselmouth. Everyone knows that's the mark of a Dark wizard. **

Michael: Not necessarily.

**Have you ever heard of a decent one who could talk to snakes? **

Minerva: Have you ever heard of _any_one who could talk to snakes?

**They called Slytherin himself Serpent-tongue." **

Horace: For a completely different reason.

**There was some heavy murmuring at this, and Ernie went on, "Remember what was written on the wall? Enemies of the Heir, Beware. Potter had some sort of run-in with Filch. Next thing we know, Filch's cat's attacked. **

Harry: Who hadn't had 'some sort of run-in' with Filch?

**That first year, Creevey, was annoying Potter at the Quidditch match, taking pictures of him while he was lying in the mud. **

Harry: It wasn't mud, it was grass.

Hermione: I don't think it makes all that much difference.

Harry: Yes it does! Mud is degrading, grass is normal.

**Next thing we know — Creevey's been attacked." **

Ron: Harry, you have a serious problem with eerie coincidences.

Luna: There is no such thing as a coincidence.

Ron: That does not help this situation.

"**He always seems so nice, though," said Hannah uncertainly, **

Harry: Thank you, Hannah!

Neville: That's my girl.

**"and, well, he's the one who made You-Know-Who disappear. He can't be all bad, can he?" **

Harry: I like your wife, very much.

**Ernie lowered his voice mysteriously, the Hufflepuffs bent closer, and Harry edged nearer so that he could catch Ernie's words. **

George: In his word net.

Luna: That sounds like fun.

"**No one knows how he survived that attack by You-Know-Who. I mean to say, he was only a baby when it happened. He should have been blasted into smithereens. **

Ginny (smiling): But he's rock solid.

**Only a really powerful Dark wizard could have survived a curse like that." **

Harry: Why can powerful wizards only be Dark wizards to these people? Had they ever met Dumbledore?

**He dropped his voice until it was barely more than a whisper, and said, "That's probably why You- Know-Who wanted to kill him in the first place. **

Michael: Honestly? This is his theory?

**Didn't want another Dark Lord competing with him. **

Minerva: A child? Good going, Macmillan.

**I wonder what other powers Potter's been hiding?" **

Harry: Well, I do have the ability to turn water into wine and I can also walk on water. Oh, and I'm secretly a Boggart who enjoys wearing tutus and tiaras.

**Harry couldn't take anymore. **

Ron: So he jumped forward and decked Ernie Macmillan square on the jaw.

**Clearing his throat loudly, he stepped out from behind the bookshelves. **

George: Where he had been spying on Draco Malfoy.

**If he hadn't been feeling so angry, he would have found the sight that greeted him funny: Every one of the Hufflepuffs looked as though they had been Petrified by the sight of him, and the colour was draining out of Ernie's face. **

Michael: That's what you get for gossiping in a public place.

Horace: Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

"**Hello," said Harry. "I'm looking for Justin Finch-Fletchley." **

Ginny: That cannot end well.

**The Hufflepuffs' worst fears had clearly been confirmed. They all looked fearfully at Ernie. **

Neville: Ernie the Ringleader? Never thought he would have the guts.

Luna: Why are you so anti-Hufflepuff?

Neville: I'm not anti-Hufflepuff, I'm anti-_these_-Hufflepuffs.

"**What do you want with him?" said Ernie in a quavering voice. **

George: Ernie had no idea. Harry had just acquired Filch's old handcuffs and had persuaded Snape to take a break away from the dungeons for the afternoon –

Ginny: Stop before we all die of embarrassment!

"**I wanted to tell him what really happened with that snake at the Duelling Club," said Harry. **

Horace: You're not exactly helping your cause, you know.

**Ernie bit his white lips and then, taking a deep breath, said, "We were all there. We saw what happened." **

"**Then you noticed that after I spoke to it, the snake backed off?" said Harry. **

Ron: Actually, you couldn't really tell because Snape vanished it too quickly.

"**All I saw," said Ernie stubbornly, though he was trembling as he spoke, "was you speaking Parseltongue and chasing the snake toward Justin." **

Harry: WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME?

Ron: WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND _ME_?

Minerva: WHY ARE YOU ALL SO ANGSTY?

"**I didn't chase it at him!" Harry said, his voice shaking with anger. "It didn't even touch him!" **

Hermione: You really are making them think that you did something.

"**It was a very near miss," **

Ginny (sighing): It always is.

**said Ernie. "And in case you're getting ideas," he added hastily, "I might tell you that you can trace my family back through nine generations of witches and warlocks and my blood's as pure as anyone's, so —" **

Minerva: Not that pure at all, then.

"**- I don't care what sort of blood you've got!" said Harry fiercely. "Why would I want to attack Muggle-borns?" **

Harry: My best friend was a Muggleborn.

Ron: No I'm not.

Hermione: I am.

Ron: But… you… I… Harry?

"**I've heard you hate those Muggles you live with," said Ernie swiftly. **

Harry: Who wouldn't?

"**It's not possible to live with the Dursleys and not hate them," said Harry. **

Hermione: You could make a pretty good game show out of that.

**"I'd like to see you try it." **

Ginny: So would I.

**He turned on his heel and stormed out of the library, earning himself a reproving glare from Madam Pince, who was polishing the gilded cover of a large spellbook. **

**Harry blundered up the corridor, barely noticing where he was going, he was in such a fury. **

George: His period always does that to him.

**The result was that he walked into something very large and solid, which knocked him backward onto the floor. **

Ginny: Oh, you really should watch where you're going, dear. It's like that time when you walked into the fountain at the Ministry.

Harry: I was _really _distracted that day!

"**Oh, hello, Hagrid," Harry said, looking up. **

Ron: And almost breaking his neck with the strain of it.

**Hagrid's face was entirely hidden by a woolly, snow-covered balaclava, **

Michael: Was he planning on robbing Gringotts?

**but it couldn't possibly be anyone else, as he filled most of the corridor in his moleskin overcoat. **

Luna: You shouldn't call people fat, Harry.

Harry: Nobody called anybody fat!

**A dead rooster was hanging from one of his massive, gloved hands. **

Neville: That was his dinner all planned out.

"**All righ', Harry?" he said, pulling up the balaclava so he could speak. "Why aren't yeh in class?" **

Ron: Because he's a class-skipping badass.

Minerva: He did a bunk. (Everyone looks at her). Sorry… I just got used to saying it…

"**Cancelled," said Harry, getting up. "What're you doing in here?" **

George: "I could ask you the same question".

Luna: He just did.

**Hagrid held up the limp rooster. **

Michael: No innuendo intended.

Horace: You see, by saying that, you have implied that there was possible innuendo in that sentence.

Michael: That's because there was.

Horace: Minerva, you need to get your husband some counselling.

"**Second one killed this term," he explained. "It's either foxes or a Blood-Suckin Bugbear, an' I need the Headmaster's permission ter put a charm around the hen coop." **

Horace: Seriously? We keep hens and grow vegetables! We are a school not a marketplace!

Minerva: Well, if you have more creative ways of feeding almost two thousand students plus staff and House Elves and magical creatures, be my guest.

George: Really, she sells them for profit so that she can buy Gryffindor Quidditch stars awesome broomsticks (which I am still waiting for, by the way).

**He peered more closely at Harry from under his thick, snowflecked eyebrows. **

"**Yeh sure yeh're all righ'? Yeh look all hot **

Michael: Hagrid!

**an' bothered —" **

Michael: Oh… well, this is awkward…

**Harry couldn't bring himself to repeat what Ernie and the rest of the Hufflepuffs had been saying about him. **

"**It's nothing," he said. **

Horace: Now, now, if you don't tell us, we can't help you.

Minerva: This is why nobody ever tells you anything.

"**I'd better get going, Hagrid, it's Transfiguration next and I've got to pick up my books." **

Minerva: Hagrid bought that?

**He walked off, his mind still full of what Ernie had said about him. **

Michael: It does no good to dwell on gossip, Harry.

Harry: What is this, Dumbledore impersonation day?

"_**Justin's been waiting for something like this to happen ever since he let slip to Potter he was Muggle-born…" **_

Ginny: Why would you say that to someone? "Hi, I'm Justin and my parents can't do magic!"

**Harry stamped up the stairs and turned along another corridor, which was particularly dark; the torches had been extinguished by a strong, icy draft that was blowing through a loose windowpane. **

Horace: Which, I might add, would only be too easy to fix.

Minerva: The entire staff were teaching lessons, Horace.

**He was halfway down the passage when he tripped headlong over something lying on the floor. **

Horace: Another health and safety hazard.

George: Are you the magical undercover Ofsted inspector?

**He turned to squint at what he'd fallen over and felt as though his stomach had dissolved. **

Ginny: How do you know what that feels like?

**Justin Finch-Fletchley was lying on the floor, rigid and cold, a look of shock frozen on his face, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. **

Harry: Damn.

**And that wasn't all. Next to him was another figure, the strangest sight Harry had ever seen. **

George: Stranger than the face on the back of Quirrel's head?

Ginny: Stranger than the thing drinking unicorn blood?

Hermione: Stranger than Ron's Chudley Canons poster?

Harry: Okay, not quite that strange.

Ron: Excuse me.

**It was Nearly Headless Nick, no longer pearly-white and transparent, but black and smoky, **

Luna: He should really give up the tobacco.

**floating immobile and horizontal, six inches off the floor. His head was half off **

Neville: Nothing unusual there.

**and his face wore an expression of shock identical to Justin's. **

**Harry got to his feet, his breathing fast and shallow, his heart doing a kind of drumroll against his ribs. **

Luna: You sound guilty, Harry.

Harry: Yeah, but I wasn't.

Luna: Are you sure?

Harry: Pretty sure, yeah.

**He looked wildly up and down the deserted corridor and saw a line of spiders scuttling as fast as they could away from the bodies. **

Ron: Why must everybody _always_ mention the spiders?

**The only sounds were the muffled voices of teachers from the classes on either side. **

George: "Oh, yes, Mr. Snape. _Harder!_"

Minerva: George Weasley! To the corner. NOW!

George: Aww, but –

Minerva: Now.

(George sulkily pushes away from the table and moves to sit in the corner).

Minerva: Face the wall.

(He mutters as he turns around, knees drawn up to his chest).

**He could run, and no one would ever know he had been there. **

Luna: Don't do it, Harry. You were put into Gryffindor for a reason.

**But he couldn't just leave them lying here… He had to get help… **

Hermione: Good Harry.

Ron: He's not a dog, 'Mione.

**Would anyone believe he hadn't had anything to do with this? **

Michael: Not likely.

**As he stood there, panicking, a door right next to him opened with a bang. Peeves the Poltergeist came shooting out. **

Ginny: Oh, that cannot be good.

"**Why, it's potty wee Potter!" **

George: I will have to use that one!

Minerva: Quiet, George.

Ginny: How long are you going to leave him there?

Minerva: Well, usually it's one minute per year of their life, but I think George is too old for that. Say… five minutes?

**cackled Peeves, knocking Harry's glasses askew as he bounced past him. "What's Potter up to? Why's Potter lurking —" **

Neville: Like a lurking lurky lurker.

Ron: What?

**Peeves stopped, halfway through a midair somersault. **

George: Bad sign.

Minerva: George, the more you talk, the longer you will have to stay there.

**Upside down, he spotted Justin and Nearly Headless Nick. He flipped the right way up, filled his lungs and, before Harry could stop him, screamed, **

Ginny: Oh no.

**"ATTACK! ATTACK! ANOTHER ATTACK! NO MORTAL OR GHOST IS SAFE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ATTAAAACK!" **

Harry: Damn it.

**Crash — crash — crash — door after door flew open along the corridor and people flooded out. **

Minerva: Okay, George, you can come back to the table now_ IF _you promise to be good.

(George slopes back up to the table, muttering to himself and shooting glares at Minerva).

**For several long minutes, there was a scene of such confusion that Justin was in danger of being squashed **

Neville: And wouldn't _that_ be a shame?

**and people kept standing in Nearly Headless Nick. Harry found himself pinned against the wall as the teachers shouted for quiet. **

Hermione: Wrong place at the wrong time.

Harry: Story of my life.

**Professor McGonagall came running, **

Ginny: Run, Forrest, run!

**followed by her own class, one of whom still had black-and-white-striped hair. **

Horace: Not as good at Transfiguration as you think, are you?

**She used her wand to set off a loud bang, which restored silence, **

Michael: Why does noise encourage silence?

**and ordered everyone back into their classes. **

Horace: Oh, yeah, like a bunch of curious teenagers, who have just seen a petrified _ghost_ and student, are going to go quietly back to their classes.

**No sooner had the scene cleared somewhat than Ernie the Hufflepuff arrived, panting, on the scene. **

Ron: He needs to do more cardio.

"**Caught in the act!" Ernie yelled, his face stark white, pointing his finger dramatically at Harry. **

Neville: Ah, the melodrama…

"**That will do, Macmillan!" said Professor McGonagall sharply. **

**Peeves was bobbing overhead, now grinning wickedly, surveying the scene; Peeves always loved chaos. **

Minerva: And chandeliers.

Harry: So you did tell him how to unscrew it!

Minerva: As already publicised, I have had certain experience with the school's chandeliers and I just felt the need to pass that on… especially since he planned to drop it on Umbridge.

**As the teachers bent over Justin and Nearly Headless Nick, examining them, Peeves broke into song: **

Ginny: Oh God.

"**Oh, Potter, you rotter, oh, what have you done, You're killing off' students, you think it's good fun —" **

Harry: Well, owing to the fact that I'm not a murdering psychopath, I question the validity of such a song.

"**That's enough Peeves!" barked Professor McGonagall, **

Luna: I thought your Animagus form was a cat?

Minerva: It is, Miss Lovegood.

Luna: Then why do you keep barking?

Minerva: I – I…

**and Peeves zoomed away backward, with his tongue out at Harry. **

Luna: How rude!

**Justin was carried up to the hospital wing by Professor Flitwick and Professor Sinistra of the Astronomy department, **

Horace: Who, like Dumbledore and McGonagall, also hadn't thought of using magic.

**but nobody seemed to know what to do for Nearly Headless Nick. In the end, Professor McGonagall conjured a large fan out of thin air, **

Michael: That? That is what you came up with?

Minerva: It's not like there were any other suggestions.

**which she gave to Ernie with instructions to waft Nearly Headless Nick up the stairs. **

Minerva: I have style.

**This Ernie did, fanning Nick along like a silent black hovercraft. **

Hermione: This book contains the strangest similes ever…

**This left Harry and Professor McGonagall alone together. **

George: Watch out, Harry. She might EAT YOU!

Minerva: Oh, yes. I love the taste of twelve-year-old boys.

(Everyone stares at her, open-mouthed).

Minerva: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

"**This way, Potter," she said. **

"**Professor," said Harry at once, "I swear I didn't —" **

Harry: Did you believe me?

Minerva: Of course I did. But I have to keep up some form of mask otherwise I'd have the likes of the Weasley twins asking for immunity because their pranks were funny.

George: You thought are pranks were funny?

Minerva: Oh, Merlin. You see?

"**This is out of my hands, Potter," said Professor McGonagall curtly. **

Horace: Finally! Something she can't do!

**They marched in silence around a corner and she stopped before a large and extremely ugly stone gargoyle. **

Luna: That isn't very polite.

George: Has anybody noticed that everything at Hogwarts is either ugly or dazzlingly amazing.

Horace: Minerva being the former, obviously.

(In a sudden flash, Horace's seat is taken up by a large black warthog).

Minerva: Pleases, continue, Luna.

"**Lemon drop!" she said. This was evidently a password, **

Ginny: No, she just enjoyed saying random sweet names at gargoyles.

**because the gargoyle sprang suddenly to life and hopped aside as the wall behind him split in two. **

Horace: Headmasters are _show-offs_.

Minerva: Just because you're jealous.

**Even full of dread for what was coming, Harry couldn't fail to be amazed. **

Ron: Well, if you can't beat them…

**Behind the wall was a spiral staircase that was moving smoothly upward, like an escalator. As he and Professor McGonagall stepped onto it, Harry heard the wall thud closed behind them. **

George: He was trapped. _Bugger_.

**They rose upward in circles, higher and higher, until at last, slightly dizzy, Harry saw a gleaming oak door ahead, with a brass knocker in the shape of a griffin. **

Horace: I always wondered why it was a griffin.

Michael: It prevents House bias, supposedly.

**He knew now where he was being taken. This must be where Dumbledore lived. **

George: Seriously? Second year? George and I were sent to Dumbledore's office in the first week.

Horace: First day. Beat that.

George: What did you do?

Horace: I accidentally broke the statues in the Entrance Hall.

George: Yeah, but that was an accident.

Horace: That is beside the point!

* * *

_A/N: Just as a side note, I do not own the lyrics to Bon Jovi's 'Living on a Prayer' any more than I do Harry Potter. So not at all. Also, I do not own A Very Potter Musical (House Points if you can find the reference)._


	12. Of Cats and Cows

_A/N: I realize that I have been positively ghastly in my neglect of this particular story, but I am currently trying to bring a close to all of my open multi-chapter stories, so it has been a great deal of flitting between stories for me. I hope you will forgive the wait._

* * *

Without bothering to ask who wished to read this chapter, Neville Longbottom picked up _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_.

**They stepped off the stone staircase at the top, and Professor McGonagall rapped **

George: You can rap? I am in awe! Can you rap for us now? Pleeease?

Neville (strangely smugly): Yes, Minerva, why won't you rap for us?

Minerva: Possibly because I cannot actually rap and because you, Neville Longbottom, can do much better than my strangled attempts.

Ginny: Neville? You rap?

Neville: Erm… a little…

Ron: Wow. This place has officially gone nuts.

**on the door. It opened silently and they entered. Professor McGonagall told Harry to wait and left him there, alone. **

(Horace makes an incomprehensible grunt).

Ginny: Are you going to turn him back soon?

Minerva: Hmm… so very tempting not to… but I suppose I better had.

(With a swish of her wand, Horace is his normal human self).

Horace (Rocking back and forth): It… was… horrible…

**Harry looked around. One thing was certain: of all the teachers' offices Harry had visited so far this year, Dumbledore's was by far the most interesting. **

Minerva: Thanks.

**If he hadn't been scared out of his wits that he was about to be thrown out of school, **

Harry: Honestly, the amount of times I've had that feeling!

Hermione: Well, maybe you should have made an effort to stay out of trouble.

Harry: You talked us into it!

**he would have been very pleased to have a chance to look around it. **

**It was a large and beautiful circular room, full of funny little noises. **

Horace: And that was just Dumbledore talking.

Harry: Bet you wouldn't say that in front of Hagrid.

Horace: I don't have a death wish.

**A number of curious silver instruments stood on spindle legged tables, whirring and emitting little puffs of smoke. **

Michael: No, they were not drug paraphernalia.

George: Not all of them, anyway.

**The walls were covered with portraits of old headmasters and headmistresses, all of whom were snoozing gently in their frames. **

Minerva: What she really means is "Most of whom were pretending to snooze in their frames." Honestly, everybody gets ten times nosier after they die!

Ron: Apart from Voldemort. That guy never got his nose back.

**There was also an enormous, claw-footed **

George: Bathtub, in which Professor Dumbledore liked to spend his evening covered in bubbles and playing with a little yellow rubber duck.

Ginny: Which Dad still does not know the function of.

Hermione: Come to think of it, what actually _is _the function of a rubber duck?

Ron: If you're asking that, how are any of us supposed to know?

**desk, and, sitting on a shelf behind it, a shabby, tattered wizard's hat — the Sorting Hat.**

Michael: Merlin, that thing must get bored.

Minerva: You would be surprised. I can no longer wear my hat in my office for fear of the Sorting Hat trying to "chat it up" as the kids say nowadays.

**Harry hesitated. He cast a wary eye around the sleeping witches and wizards on the walls. Surely it couldn't hurt if he took the hat down and tried it on again? **

Horace: Famous last words!

George: Since when has anyone ever turned, on their death bed, to their few remaining friends and relatives and said with their dying breath "Surely it couldn't hurt if he took the hat down and tried it on again"?

Horace: Well, when you put it like that…

**Just to see… just to make sure it had put him in the right House. **

Minerva: Of course you were in the right House!

**He walked quietly around the desk, lifted the hat from its shelf, and lowered it slowly onto his head. **

Hermione: It's not there for you to just pick up whenever it takes your fancy, you know! That hat is a conscious being!

Harry: Okay, Hermione, if I apologize for everything I did when I was twelve, will you be happy?

Hermione: That is highly unlikely.

**It was much too large and slipped down over his eyes, just as it had done the last time he'd put it on. **

Ginny: It was designed to fit even people with heads as big as Malfoy's.

**Harry stared at the black inside of the hat, waiting. Then a small voice said in his ear, "Bee in your bonnet, Harry Potter?" **

George: Hat-centred replies are his speciality.

"**Er, yes," Harry muttered. "Er — sorry to bother you — I wanted to ask —" **

Neville: Whether you have received my fan-mail?

Luna: Whether you have seen any crumple-horned snorkacks lately?

Ginny: Whether the rabid squirrel chewing on my ankle belongs to you?

"**You've been wondering whether I put you in the right House," said the hat smartly. **

Ron: Oh, look, Hermione! It's your brother!

"**Yes… you were particularly difficult to place. **

Harry: Nobody wants me.

(Silence).

Harry: Don't disagree then, guys!

**But I stand by what I said before —" Harry's heart leapt — **

Hermione: You're just setting yourself up to get knocked down.

**"you would have done well in Slytherin —" **

Neville: What a compliment.

**Harry's stomach plummeted. **

Luna: So you had a misplaced stomach _and _heart? Ouch.

**He grabbed the point of the hat and pulled it off. It hung limply in his hand, grubby and faded.**

Horace: Dumbledore couldn't even be bothered to cast a cleaning charm on it.

Luna: Excuse me, Sir, but the Sorting Hat is an historical relic. Therefore over-cleaning may cause damage and excessive charmwork may lift or alter the original charms placed upon the object.

Ginny: You tell 'em, Luna.

**Harry pushed it back onto its shelf, feeling sick. **

Ron: Just don't be sick _in _it.

"**You're wrong," he said aloud to the still and silent hat. It didn't move.**

Horace: How very unsociable.

**Harry backed away, watching it. Then a strange, gagging noise behind him made him wheel around. **

George: "Can't… take it… Potter's… too… cheesy…"

**He wasn't alone after all. Standing on a golden perch behind the door was a decrepit-looking bird that resembled a half-plucked turkey. **

Minerva: Oh, if he could hear you calling him that!

George: He'd pluck your eyeballs out with his talons and then –

Minerva: That's enough, lad.

**Harry stared at it and the bird looked balefully back, making its gagging noise again. Harry thought it looked very ill. **

**Its eyes were dull and, even as Harry watched, a couple more feathers fell out of its tail.**

Harry: Just like in the wand cores.

Michael: Well, isn't someone feeling observant today?

Luna: But there's nobody called 'someone' here…

**Harry was just thinking that all he needed was for Dumbledore's pet bird to die while he was alone in the office with it, when the bird burst into flames. **

Harry: Just my bloody luck.

**Harry yelled in shock and backed away into the desk. He looked feverishly around in case there was a glass of water somewhere but couldn't see one; **

Hermione: Oh, Harry, you didn't? Did you know, at this time, that you possessed a wand?

**the bird, meanwhile, had become a fireball; it gave one loud shriek and next second there was nothing but a smouldering pile of ash on the floor. **

Luna: Phoenixes are most magnificent, don't you think.

(Everyone nods agreement, while being slightly worried that Luna has said something extraordinarily sensible).

**The office door opened. Dumbledore came in, looking very sombre. **

Horace: Don't worry, m'boy, he's just trying to scare you.

"**Professor," Harry gasped. "Your bird — I couldn't do anything — he just caught fire —" **

Ginny: You're cute when you panic.

**To Harry's astonishment, Dumbledore smiled. **

Minerva: You shouldn't be that surprised; he was always smiling at something or other. Daft old coot.

Horace: Unlike you, of course. You only smile if a situation involves the near-death of a colleague.

Minerva: You're just bitter because the cauldron exploded in front of the Ministry official.

"**About time, too," he said. "He's been looking dreadful for days; **

Ginny: You can always count on Professor Dumbledore to get to the point.

**I've been telling him to get a move on." **

George: "Why won't you die, stupid bird? I want to see you buuuuurn!" He was a bit of a maniac.

**He chuckled at the stunned look on Harry's face. **

"**Fawkes is a phoenix, Harry. Phoenixes burst into flame when it is time for them to die and are reborn from the ashes. **

Luna (absent-mindedly): So beautiful…

**Watch him…" **

Ron: Isn't that a bit sadistic? Watching a bird die a terrible flame-riddled death, I mean.

**Harry looked down in time to see a tiny, wrinkled, new-born bird poke its head out of the ashes. It was quite as ugly as the old one. **

Michael: Why does nobody like Fawkes?

"**It's a shame you had to see him on a Burning Day," said Dumbledore, seating himself behind his desk. "He's really very handsome most of the time, wonderful red and gold plumage. **

George: Dumbles and Fawkesy sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

**Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They can carry immensely heavy loads, their tears have healing powers,**

Horace: They are the basis of a lot of modern healing potions.

Ginny: Yes, but not everybody can carry a phoenix around with them in case they cut themselves.

**and they make highly faithful pets." **

Horace: Much more faithful than cats.

Minerva: I regret nothing.

**In the shock of Fawkes catching fire, Harry had forgotten what he was there for, but it all came back to him as Dumbledore settled himself in the high chair behind the desk and fixed Harry with his penetrating, light-blue stare. **

Harry: Honest question here. Did he have x-ray vision?

Minerva: X-ray vision?

Harry: Yeah. When people can see straight through things, I mean.

Minerva: You mean like Alastor's eye?

Harry: No, I mean in his actual eyes.

Minerva: His _actual _eyes? He had a fake one?

Harry: No. 'I meant could his eyes see through things?'

Minerva: What are you…? Can I get a translator in here, or something? I don't…

Michael: I think that means no, Harry. No, he did not have x-ray vision.

**Before Dumbledore could speak another word, however, the door of the office flew open with an almighty bang and Hagrid burst in, a wild look in his eyes, **

(Minerva takes a shot of Firewhiskey).

Michael: What are you doing? Nobody mentioned clothes.

Minerva: I'm assuming.

Horace: That's her excuse, anyway.

**his balaclava **

George: Pulled over his eyes to make him look like a bank robber. "Give me the cash, Dumbledore."

**perched on top of his shaggy black head and the dead rooster still swinging from his hand. **

Neville: What is it with all the dead birds around this place?

George (in a terrible stage whisper): Minnie's been on the prowl.

"**It wasn' Harry, Professor Dumbledore!" said Hagrid urgently. **

Harry: Finally! Someone who believes me!

**"I was talkin' ter him seconds before that kid was found, he never had time, sir —" **

**Dumbledore tried to say something, but Hagrid went ranting on, waving the rooster around in his agitation, sending feathers everywhere. **

George: Quills! Quills for everyone!

"**it can't've bin him, I'll swear it in front o' the Ministry o' Magic if I have to." **

Michael: Not that they would believe him, poor guy.

"**Hagrid, I —" **

Ron: Have a lemon drop stuck in my ear?

George: Wish to kill you tonight?

Ginny: Am a male prostitute?

Harry: Wait. What?

"— **yeh've got the wrong boy, sir, I know Harry never —" **

"**Hagrid!" said Dumbledore loudly. "I do not think that Harry attacked those people." **

Horace: Awkward.

"**Oh," said Hagrid, the rooster falling limply at his side. "Right. I'll wait outside then, Headmaster." **

Michael: Poor Hagrid's always been rather unfortunate socially.

**And he stomped out looking embarrassed.**

Horace: Well, if you will storm into people's offices and start ranting nonsense at them, these things will happen.

Minerva: Hang on, you do that to me all the time.

"**You don't think it was me, Professor?" Harry repeated hopefully as Dumbledore brushed rooster feathers off his desk. **

Hermione: I swear that nobody at this school knows they can do magic.

"**No, Harry, I don't," said Dumbledore, though his face was sombre again. "But I still want to talk to you."**

George: "I think we need to break this relationship off before it goes too much further; Minerva is getting suspicious."

Minerva: WEASLEY!

**Harry waited nervously while Dumbledore considered him, the tips of his long fingers together. **

"**I must ask you, Harry, whether there is anything you'd like to tell me," he said gently. "Anything at all." **

Minerva: Oh, that one always got me. Did he do that awful pause in between?

Harry: Yep.

**Harry didn't know what to say. He thought of Malfoy shouting, "You'll be next, Mudbloods!" **

Ron: Git.

**and of the Polyjuice Potion simmering away in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. **

Luna: Yes, but you wouldn't tell him about that, would you? That would stop all of your plans for reconnaissance.

Harry: Why didn't we have Luna back then?

Luna: I liked to hide in the broom cupboards a lot; they were warm and they kept the nargles away.

**Then he thought of the disembodied voice he had heard twice and remembered what Ron had said: "Hearing voices no one else can hear isn't a good sign, even in the wizarding world." **

George: You actually listened to Ron?

Ron: Hey!

**He thought, too, about what everyone was saying about him, and his growing dread that he was somehow connected with Salazar Slytherin… **

"**No," said Harry. "There isn't anything, Professor…" **

Luna: You don't have to suffer in silence, Harry.

**The double attack on Justin and Nearly Headless Nick turned what had hitherto been nervousness into real panic. **

Neville: Well, now we're all doomed.

**Curiously, it was Nearly Headless Nick's fate that seemed to worry people most.**

Horace (looking pointedly at Minerva): Well, if you care more about the dead than your students…

Minerva: Horace, if you are going to insult me, have the guts to finish your sentences rather than trailing off at strategic points.

**What could possibly do that to a ghost? **

George: Another ghost?

**people asked each other; what terrible power could harm someone who was already dead? **

Minerva: Legacies.

Ron: What?

Luna: That's very intelligent, Professor.

Minerva: You only just realised? I was almost a Ravenclaw, you know.

**There was almost a stampede to book seats on the Hogwarts Express so that students could go home for Christmas. **

Hermione: Hang on, since when did anybody have to book seats on the train? I thought we all just got on it if we wanted.

"**At this rate, we'll be the only ones left," Ron told Harry and Hermione. "Us, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. What a jolly holiday it's going to be." **

Neville: But you would have the whole castle to yourself; you could avoid those three pretty easily.

**Crabbe and Goyle, who always did whatever Malfoy did, had signed up to stay over the holidays, too. **

Horace: You see, there are some loyal Slytherins!

Minerva: Loyal, maybe. Stupid, definitely.

**But Harry was glad that most people were leaving. He was tired of people skirting around him in the corridors, as though he was about to sprout fangs or spit poison; **

George: He did, however, have leprosy, which caused people to habitually avoid him. Harry Potter was forever lonely.

**tired of all the muttering, pointing, and hissing as he passed. **

Neville: Could you understand it?

Harry: What?

Neville: The hissing. Did it translate to anything?

Harry: Yeah. Most of it meant Neville Longbottom is a troll.

Luna (whispering): That's obviously not true…

**Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. **

George: Source of fun for weeks.

**They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through…" **

Harry: At least I got everywhere quickly.

**Percy was deeply disapproving of this behaviour. **

George: Nerd alert.

"**It is not a laughing matter," he said coldly. **

Michael: The wise man laughs at his own misfortune for fortune is sure to smile back.

Minerva: Did you come up with that? It's very good.

Michael: You doubt my intelligence?

Minerva: Of course not, darling.

"**Oh, get out of the way, Percy," said Fred. "Harry's in a hurry." **

Ron: The queen is coming through.

Harry: Bow, bitches.

"**Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant," said George, chortling. **

**Ginny didn't find it amusing either. **

Ginny: You call me a nerd, George Weasley, and I will jinx your backside to next February and back.

"**Oh, don't," she wailed every time Fred asked Harry loudly who he was planning to attack next, or when George pretended to ward Harry off with a large clove of garlic when they met. **

Minerva: Urgh. You remind me of Quirrell.

**Harry didn't mind; **

Neville: Not that it would have made much difference if he did.

**it made him feel better that Fred and George, at least, thought the idea of his being Slytherin's heir was quite ludicrous. **

George: Oh, we thought you were the heir; we were just hoping that if we made a joke about it you wouldn't murder us.

**But their antics seemed to be aggravating Draco Malfoy, who looked increasingly sour each time he saw them at it. **

"**It's because he's bursting to say it's really him," **

Ron: Slytherins are attention-whores.

Horace: Well, credit where credit is due.

**said Ron knowingly. "You know how he hates anyone beating him at anything, and you're getting all the credit for his dirty work." **

"**Not for long," said Hermione in a satisfied tone. "The Polyjuice Potion's nearly ready. We'll be getting the truth out of him any day now." **

Hermione: I didn't realise quite how hell-bent we were on it being him.

**At last the term ended, and a silence deep as the snow on the grounds descended on the castle. **

Minerva: And it was gloriously relaxing.

**Harry found it peaceful, rather than gloomy, and enjoyed the fact that he, Hermione, and the Weasleys had the run of Gryffindor Tower, **

Minerva: And there goes the relaxation.

**which meant they could play Exploding Snap loudly without bothering anyone, and practice duelling in private. **

Luna: Like… on your own? Is that even possible?

**Fred, George, and Ginny had chosen to stay at school rather than visit Bill in Egypt with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. **

Ginny: I couldn't stand the heat; it was ridiculous.

**Percy, who disapproved of what he termed their childish behaviour, **

George: How did we get that as a brother?

Minerva: You should be nicer to him; family is far too important to lose because of personality differences. Merlin knows I would have been disowned by my children years ago.

Michael: I don't know. Grace might keep you…

Minerva: Well, one in three isn't bad.

**didn't spend much time in the Gryffindor common room. **

Ginny: Thank Merlin for small mercies.

**He had already told them pompously that he was only staying over Christmas because it was his duty as a prefect to support the teachers during this troubled time. **

Ron: Sorry for fobbing him off onto you.

Minerva: Don't worry, I fobbed him off onto Pomona, who fobbed him off onto Filius, who fobbed him off onto Severus, who tried to curse him and fobbed him off onto Sybil, who was too drunk to notice his presence.

**Christmas morning dawned, cold and white. Harry and Ron, the only ones left in their dormitory, were woken very early by Hermione, **

Hermione: With great difficulty. I swear you two glue your eyelids shut or something.

**who burst in, fully dressed and carrying presents for them both.**

Ron: Which did wake us up.

"**Wake up," she said loudly, pulling back the curtains at the window. **

"**Hermione — you're not supposed to be in here —" said Ron, shielding his eyes against the light. **

Ron: Isn't it a bit sexist that the girls can go into the boys' dormitories but the boys can't go into the girls' dormitories?

Michael: I'm not complaining. It worked out fine when I was a school.

Neville: Is it possible to be this depraved even when you are all over your wife ALL the time?

Michael: Look upon God, my son.

Horace: Pffft.

"**Merry Christmas to you, too," said Hermione, throwing him his present. "I've been up for nearly an hour, adding more lacewings to the potion. **

Ginny: On Christmas? Really?

Hermione: I'm dedicated.

**It's ready." **

Horace: And it only took half a book to get there.

Luna: Actually, it was only three chapters.

Horace: Technicalities.

**Harry sat up, suddenly wide awake. **

"**Are you sure?" **

Hermione: No, I've only been watching over it for an entire month.

"**Positive," said Hermione, shifting Scabbers the rat so that she could sit down on the end of Ron's four-poster. **

Ron: I still shudder whenever that rat is mentioned.

"**If we're going to do it, I say it should be tonight." **

Michael: Well, that's a bit forward, isn't it?

**At that moment, Hedwig swooped into the room, carrying a very small package in her beak.**

George: Ooooh, saucy.

"**Hello," said Harry happily as she landed on his bed. "Are you speaking to me again?" **

Luna: Technically, she isn't _speaking._

**She nibbled his ear in an affectionate sort of way, **

Neville: Watch out, Harry. I think you have an admirer.

**which was a far better present than the one that she had brought him, which turned out to be from the Dursleys. **

**They had sent Harry a toothpick and a note telling him to find out whether he'd be able to stay at Hogwarts for the summer vacation, too. **

Minerva: What? Some Muggles are about to get their arses handed to them! I swear to Merlin -!

Harry: Don't worry about them, honestly.

Minerva: How can you just let them get away with this stuff?

Harry: Oh, I got my own back in small ways.

**The rest of Harry's Christmas presents were far more satisfactory. **

**Hagrid had sent him a large tin of treacle fudge, which Harry decided to soften by the fire before eating; **

Ginny: Clever man. I mean, have you tried his rock cakes?

**Ron had given him a book called Flying with the Cannons, a book of interesting facts about his favourite Quidditch team, **

Michael: No matter how many people you give that book to, you will not convert anyone to the Chudley Canons.

Ron: They are amazing and I will not hear otherwise.

**and Hermione had bought him a luxurious eagle-feather quill. **

Harry: Which I still have, thank you.

Hermione: No problem. It's always important to have a quality quill.

**Harry opened the last present to find a new, hand-knitted jumper from Mrs. Weasley **

Horace: Has everybody here got a Weasley jumper?

(Everybody nods in agreement).

Ginny (to Horace): Wait, you have one?

Horace: Molly gave each of her Professors one at the end of her seventh year.

**and a large plum cake. **

Harry: My favourite. I could do with one now, actually.

(Nothing happens).

Harry: Oh, so now you ignore me, huh?

**He read her card with a fresh surge of guilt, thinking about Mr. Weasley's car (which hadn't been seen since its crash with the Whomping Willow), **

Ron: Technically, it was the Whomping Willow's fault, not ours.

**and the bout of rule-breaking he and Ron were planning next. **

Ginny: Nothing unusual there, then.

**No one, not even someone dreading taking Polyjuice Potion later, could fail to enjoy Christmas dinner at Hogwarts. **

Minerva: Unless Peeves shows up like last year.

Horace: I will never get the image of that mistletoe out of my head.

**The Great Hall looked magnificent. Not only were there a dozen frost-covered Christmas trees and thick streamers of holly and mistletoe crisscrossing the ceiling, but enchanted snow was falling, warm and dry, from the ceiling. **

Minerva (standing to do an over-exaggerated bow): Thank you, thank you.

Horace: Sit down, woman.

**Dumbledore led them in a few of his favourite carols, **

(The whole table groans).

Neville: I swear if I hear 'Silent Night' one more time…

**Hagrid booming more and more loudly with every goblet of eggnog he consumed. **

Horace: You would have thought that you would have learned to keep Hagrid away from any kind of festive drink or alcohol.

**Percy, who hadn't noticed that Fred had bewitched his prefect badge so that it now read "Pinhead," kept asking them all what they were sniggering at. **

George: Classic.

**Harry didn't even care that Draco Malfoy was making loud, snide remarks about his new jumper from the Slytherin table. **

Ginny: He's just jealous.

**With a bit of luck, Malfoy would be getting his comeuppance in a few hours' time. **

(Harry and Ron share knowing glances).

**Harry and Ron had barely finished their third helpings of Christmas pudding when Hermione ushered them out of the hall to finalize their plans for the evening. **

"**We still need a bit of the people you're changing into," **

Ron: Don't remind us.

**said Hermione matter-of-factly, as though she were sending them to the supermarket for laundry detergent. **

Hermione: That would be a strange addition to the shopping list.

"**And obviously, it'll be best if you can get something of Crabbe's and Goyle's; they're Malfoys best friends, **

Luna: Friends? He had friends?

**he'll tell them anything. And we also need to make sure the real Crabbe and Goyle can't burst in on us while we're interrogating him. **

Ginny: Now, that I would like to see.

"**I've got it all worked out," **

Ron: You always have. But then it all goes royally wrong and we barely escape.

Hermione: Yes… that does tend to happen.

**she went on smoothly, ignoring Harry's and Ron's stupefied faces. **

**She held up two plump chocolate cakes. **

Michael: That's dessert sorted.

**"I've filled these with a simple Sleeping Draught. All you have to do is make sure Crabbe and Goyle find them. You know how greedy they are, they're bound to eat them. **

Minerva: That sounds like Horace.

Horace: No, it does not.

Minerva: Crystallised pineapple.

Horace: WHERE?

**Once they're asleep, pull out a few of their hairs and hide them in a broom cupboard." **

Harry: Easier said than done.

**Harry and Ron looked incredulously at each other. **

"**Hermione, I don't think —" **

"**That could go seriously wrong —" **

Hermione: As if that ever stopped us before.

**But Hermione had a steely glint in her eye not unlike the one Professor McGonagall sometimes had. **

Minerva: "Steely glint?" I have a steely glint?

"**The potion will be useless without Crabbe's and Goyle's hair," she said sternly. "You do want to investigate Malfoy, don't you?" **

George: Ooh, you sly girl.

"**Oh, all right, all right," said Harry. "But what about you? Whose hair are you ripping out?" **

"**I've already got mine!" **

Neville: Naturally.

**said Hermione brightly, pulling a tiny bottle out of her pocket and showing them the single hair inside it. **

"**Remember Millicent Bulstrode wrestling with me at the Duelling Club? **

Ron: It has been in my dreams many a time.

Ginny: You are a sick, sick person.

Ron: I didn't mean to say that out loud.

**She left this on my robes when she was trying to strangle me! And she's gone home for Christmas — so I'll just have to tell the Slytherins I've decided to come back."**

Minerva: One does not simply "decide" to come back to Hogwarts!

Michael: Maybe not the smartest of plans, Hermione.

**When Hermione had bustled off to check on the Polyjuice Potion again, Ron turned to Harry with a doom-laden expression. **

Luna: You know, positive thinking leads to positive results.

"**Have you ever heard of a plan where so many things could go wrong?" **

Harry, Ginny and Hermione: Yes.

**But to Harry's and Ron's utter amazement, stage one of the operation went just as smoothly as Hermione had said. **

Hermione: I don't know why you doubt me. I am, after all, the brains of the operation.

Ron: And the modest one, naturally.

**They lurked in the deserted entrance hall after Christmas dinner, waiting for Crabbe and Goyle who had remained alone at the Slytherin table, **

Ginny: Like the lonely trolls that they were.

**shovelling down fourth helpings of trifle. **

George: That is revolting.

Ginny: Says the man who will eat chocolate cheesecake until it comes out of his nose.

Neville: Is that even possible?

**Harry had perched the chocolate cakes on the end of the banisters. **

Horace: Do you honestly believe that they will fall for that?

**When they spotted Crabbe and Goyle coming out of the Great Hall, Harry and Ron hid quickly behind a suit of armour next to the front door. **

Harry: Strategically placed, if I do say so.

"**How thick can you get?" Ron whispered ecstatically **

George: The irony is killing me.

Ron: HEY!

**as Crabbe gleefully pointed out the cakes to Goyle and grabbed them. **

Ginny: Oink oink!

**Grinning stupidly, they stuffed the cakes whole into their large mouths. **

Michael: Whole? You mean… actual cake-sized cakes… all at once?

Hermione: Actual cake-sized cakes. Like, the size of my head.

**For a moment, both of them chewed greedily, looks of triumph on their faces. **

**Then, without the smallest change of expression, they both keeled over backward onto the floor. **

Harry: Where's Colin's camera when you need it?

Luna: It burned, remember?

Harry: Oh yeah…

George: You really should pay attention to your own story, Harry.

Hermione: I think you'll find that telling Harry off is my job.

**By far the hardest part was hiding them in the closet across the hall. **

Ron: I swear they were baby elephants in disguise.

George: Not very good disguises, at that.

**Once they were safely stowed among the buckets and mops,**

Michael: I remember it well.

Minerva: Darling, hush. I think these children have been scarred enough.

Ginny: No, it's fine. I think it's kind of sweet.

Horace: Pfft. Speak for yourself.

**Harry yanked out a couple of the bristles that covered Goyle's forehead and Ron pulled out several of Crabbe's hairs. They also stole their shoes, because **

George: "They were broke and needed somewhere to live".

**their own were far too small for Crabbe - and Goyle-size feet. **

**Then, still stunned at what they had just done, they sprinted up to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. **

Horace: Stunned? Stealing seemed to have become quite a habit of yours; why would you be stunned?

**They could hardly see for the thick black smoke issuing from the stall in which Hermione was stirring the cauldron. **

George: You could have warned them before they went in, or used an air-freshening spell or something.

Hermione: GEORGE!

**Pulling their robes up over their faces, Harry and Ron knocked softly on the door. **

"**Hermione?" **

George (in a high pitched vice): "I'm busy! I'll be out in a minute".

Hermione: Are we really resorting to toilet humour?

Michael: OH, we started that on the first book!

**They heard the scrape of the lock and Hermione emerged, shiny-faced and looking anxious. **

Ginny: Naughty, naughty. What did you get up to in there, then?

**Behind her **

George: A dude with badly dishevelled robes and hair to match.

**they heard the gloop gloop of the bubbling, glutinous potion. Three glass tumblers stood ready on the toilet seat. **

George: You didn't urinate in them, did you?

Neville: Really? Was that necessary?

"**Did you get them?" Hermione asked breathlessly. **

**Harry showed her Goyle's hair. **

"**Good. And I sneaked these spare robes out of the laundry," Hermione said, holding up a small sack. **

Horace: Have you ever considered trying to rob a bank?

(Harry, Ron and Hermione all grin sheepishly at each other, unnoticed by the rest of the group).

**"You'll need bigger sizes once you're Crabbe and Goyle." **

Ron: Our robes would have looked like mini-dresses!

**The three of them stared into the cauldron. Close up, the potion looked like thick, dark mud, bubbling sluggishly. **

George (to Horace): What were you doing in the potion?

"**I'm sure I've done everything right," said Hermione, **

Minerva: No doubt. Though I would rather you put that effort into furthering your school work, rather than illicitly brewing dangerous potions.

**nervously rereading the splotched page of Moste Potente Potions. "It looks like the book says it should… once we've drunk it, we'll have exactly an hour before we change back into ourselves." **

Ginny: Or into a pumpkin?

George: Sorry, what?

Ginny: Like Cinderella.

George: Cinderella?

Ginny: A Muggle fairy tale that I got quite attached to a while ago.

George: Sad, sad person.

"**Now what?" Ron whispered. **

"**We separate it into three glasses and add the hairs." **

(Harry and Ron both start retching).

**Hermione ladled large dollops of the potion into each of the glasses. Then, her hand trembling, she shook Millicent Bulstrode's hair out of its bottle into the first glass. **

Hermione: Oh no. Not this bit.

Horace: That sounds ominous.

**The potion hissed loudly like a boiling kettle and frothed madly. A second later, it had turned a sick sort of yellow. **

Ron: Unlike the rat when I tried that stupid spell on him.

George: I still can't believe you fell for that.

"**Urgh — essence of Millicent Bulstrode," said Ron, eyeing it with loathing. "Bet it tastes disgusting." **

Ginny: Bet yours did, too.

"**Add yours, then," said Hermione. **

Harry: No thanks.

**Harry dropped Goyle's hair into the middle glass and Ron put Crabbe's into the last one. Both glasses hissed and frothed: Goyle's turned the green colour of a bogey, **

Neville: How appetizing.

**Crabbe's a dark, murky brown. **

Michael: I'm not even going to think about what that colour could represent.

Minerva: Michael!

Michael: What? I meant mud. What did you think I meant?

Minerva: Oh… never mind…

"**Hang on," said Harry as Ron and Hermione reached for their glasses. "We'd better not all drink them in here… Once we turn into Crabbe and Goyle we won't fit. **

Horace: Finally, some common sense!

**And Millicent Bulstrode's no pixie."**

Ginny: You're not wrong there. Did you know, she went on to become a professional wrestler?

Minerva: Really? People actually do that?

Ginny: Yeah, she's pretty big in Japan.

"**Good thinking," said Ron, unlocking the door. "We'll take separate stalls." **

**Careful not to spill a drop of his Polyjuice Potion, **

Harry: Though I wish I had.

**Harry slipped into the middle stall. **

"**Ready?" he called. **

"**Ready," came Ron's and Hermione's voices. **

Neville: You sound like you're making a suicide pact.

Ron: Woah, Neville… Really?

"**One — two — three —" **

**Pinching his nose, Harry drank the potion down in two large gulps. It tasted like overcooked cabbage. **

Horace: It could be worse. There is one potion that is used as a long-lasting glamour-like concealment – it tastes like raw anchovies.

Minerva: I take it that's why you don't use it.

Horace: I take it that's why you do.

Minerva: Honey, glamours can't keep up with this level of fabulous.

**Immediately, his insides started writhing as though he'd just swallowed live snakes**

Luna: I wonder how one would go about doing that…

Ginny: I don't know… I suppose a little grass snake would be small enough…

Hermione: Or maybe a baby one?

Neville: Are you honestly discussing this?

— **doubled up, he wondered whether he was going to be sick — then a burning sensation spread rapidly from his stomach to the very ends of his fingers and toes — **

Luna: _Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes._

**next, bringing him gasping to all fours, **

Horace: Just where Ron wanted him.

All: Woah!

(Everybody stares at him in a state of disgusted shock).

**came a horrible melting feeling, as the skin all over his body bubbled like hot wax**

Luna: Ouch.

— **and before his eyes, his hands began to grow, the fingers thickened, the nails broadened, the knuckles were bulging like bolts — **

Hermione: Frankenstein returns.

Michael: Actually, Frankenstein was the doctor's name. The creature was known as Frankenstein's monster.

Hermione: I knew that.

**his shoulders stretched painfully and a prickling on his forehead told him that hair was creeping down toward his eyebrows — **

George: And his impossibly thick eyebrows met to form the most charming, ape-like monobrow.

**his robes ripped as his chest expanded like a barrel bursting its hoops — his feet were agony in shoes four sizes too small. **

Minerva: You didn't take them off first? You went through all the trouble of getting their shoes because you knew yours would be too small, and still you leave them on?

Harry: When you put it like that…

**As suddenly as it had started, everything stopped. Harry lay face down on the stone-cold floor, listening to Myrtle gurgling morosely in the end toilet. **

George: Have you ever thought that she can watch anyone going to the toilet or showering whenever she likes.

Minerva: Thank you, George, now I will never be able to face a Hogwarts bathroom again.

**With difficulty, he kicked off his shoes and stood up. So this was what it felt like, being Goyle. **

Harry: I think I'll leave it, thanks.

**His large hand trembling, he pulled off his old robes, which were hanging a foot above his ankles, pulled on the spare ones, and laced up Goyle's boatlike shoes. **

**He reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes and met only the short growth of wiry bristles, low on his forehead. Then he realized that his glasses were clouding his eyes because Goyle obviously didn't need them — he took them off **

Harry: That was kind of surreal.

Luna: Have you ever considered having your eyesight magically corrected?

Harry: Nah. I kind of like my glasses.

Minerva: You're father used to wear ones just like them.

Harry: Glasses for the win!

Minerva: Will you join me in a celebratory high-five?

Harry: Of course!

(They high-five across the table and the others stare at them incredulously).

**and called, "Are you two okay?" Goyle's low rasp of a voice issued from his mouth. **

"**Yeah," came the deep grunt of Crabbe from his right. **

Hermione: For a whole hour, you two were apes.

Ron: Yeah, well at least we weren't ca-

Hermione: Stop right there, Ronald!

**Harry unlocked his door and stepped in front of the cracked mirror. Goyle stared back at him out of dull, deep-set eyes. Harry scratched his ear. So did Goyle. **

Horace: You don't say. You know, humans are one of the few types of animal that can recognize themselves in the mirror.

Harry: Are you saying I'm not human?

Ginny: No, you're a superhero!

Harry: Aww, shucks.

**Ron's door opened. They stared at each other. Except that he looked pale and shocked, Ron was indistinguishable from Crabbe, from the pudding-bowl haircut **

(A few badly-stifled snickers sound out from the table).

**to the long, gorilla arms. **

Ron: Give me a club and I could have passed for a troll.

Horace: And that's not just because of his grades.

"**This is unbelievable," said Ron, approaching the mirror and prodding Crabbe's flat nose. "Unbelievable." **

Hermione: Pretty much everything at Hogwarts is unbelievable.

Michael: Especially the Headmistress.

Minerva: Don't you know it!

"**We'd better get going," said Harry, loosening the watch that was cutting into Goyle's thick wrist. "We've still got to find out where the Slytherin common room is. **

George: Hmmm… where is the darkest, dullest place in the entire castle?

Ginny: Filch's heart?

George (laughing): That was gold. I love you, little sis.

**I only hope we can find someone to follow…" **

Luna: But I thought there was hardly anybody in the castle?

**Ron, who had been gazing at Harry, **

George: In loving admiration.

**said, "You don't know how bizarre it is to see Goyle thinking." **

Neville: I wouldn't think it were possible.

Horace: Technically, it was not Goyle thinking.

George: NOBODY CARES FOR YOUR TECHNICALITIES!

**He banged on Hermione's door. "C'mon, we need to go —" **

**A high-pitched voice answered him. **

Neville: Not Millicent Bulstrode's then? She sounded like a disgruntled rhinoceros.

"**I — I don't think I'm going to come after all. You go on without me." **

Horace: Oh, well isn't that nice? Just drop your friends when the fancy takes you.

Hermione: You know, Minerva is not the only one who is handy with transfigurations. I think you'd make a rather fetching walrus.

"**Hermione, we know Millicent Bulstrode's ugly, no one's going to know it's you —" **

Neville: Could you really be happy about carrying that level of ugly around with you?

Minerva: I don't know… Horace seems to manage alright.

"**No — really — I don't think I'll come. You two hurry up, you're wasting time —" **

**Harry looked at Ron, bewildered. **

"**That looks more like Goyle," said Ron. **

Ron: He always looked like he was about to get hit in the face by a low-flying Bludger.

**"That's how he looks every time a teacher asks him a question." **

Minerva: Most of us gave up on asking him by your third year. Although, it was quite entertaining when I had had a rough day.

"**Hermione, are you okay?" said Harry through the door. **

"**Fine — I'm fine — go on —" **

Ginny: No! That means that everything is definitely not fine. Don't fall for it!

**Harry looked at his watch. Five of their precious sixty minutes had already passed. **

George: Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock –

Neville: Are you going to do that for the entire time they are under the Polyjuice?

George: Don't be rid – Yes, yes I am.

"**We'll meet you back here, all right?" he said. **

**Harry and Ron opened the door of the bathroom carefully, checked that the coast was clear, **

Ginny: Well, you've got your priorities straight; don't help your best friend but check that no girls can see you leaving. Outstanding.

**and set off. **

"**Don't swing your arms like that," Harry muttered to Ron. **

"**Eh?" **

"**Crabbe holds them sort of stiff…" **

(Michael, Ron and Harry are sniggering quietly).

"**How's this?" **

"**Yeah, that's better…" **

Horace: And how exactly would you know?

George: Ooh, did little Potter have a crush on the big bad Slytherin?

Harry: Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve you as my brother-in-law.

George: Something amazingly awesome, obviously.

Neville: This is what you get for defeating a Dark Lord, Harry.

**They went down the marble staircase. All they needed now was a Slytherin that they could follow to the Slytherin common room, but there was nobody around. **

Ginny: And that's the disadvantage of having nobody around at Christmas.

"**Any ideas?" muttered Harry. **

Michael: Any ideas that will actually work?

"**The Slytherins always come up to breakfast from over there," said Ron, nodding at the entrance to the dungeons. **

Luna: How observant of you, Ron.

**The words had barely left his mouth when a girl with long, curly hair emerged from the entrance. **

"**Excuse me," said Ron, hurrying up to her. "We've forgotten the way to our common room." **

Horace: You've failed.

"**I beg your pardon?" said the girl stiffly. "Our common room? I'm a Ravenclaw." **

Neville: Fail.

**She walked away, looking suspiciously back at them. **

Hermione: Well, you did bring it on yourselves. Who asks how to get back to their own Common Room?

Ginny: Who asks someone from a different House how to get back their own Common Room?

**Harry and Ron hurried down the stone steps into the darkness, their footsteps echoing particularly loudly as Crabbe's and Goyle's huge feet hit the floor, feeling that this wasn't going to be as easy as they had hoped. **

Ron: Probably should have been used to that by now.

**The labyrinthine passages were deserted. **

Harry: Yet, whenever we don't want to be seen, we run into someone. We just can't win!

**They walked deeper and deeper under the school, constantly checking their watches to see how much time they had left. After a quarter of an hour, just when they were getting desperate, **

George: Ooh er.

**they heard a sudden movement ahead. **

"**Ha!" said Ron excitedly. "There's one of them now!" **

**The figure was emerging from a side room. As they hurried nearer, however, their hearts sank. It wasn't a Slytherin, it was Percy. **

Ron: Which was just as bad, if not _worse_.

"**What're you doing down here?" said Ron in surprise. **

Ginny: Probably searching for Prefect badge polish and admiring his reflection in the suits of armour; apparently there is much better lighting down there for that sort of thing.

**Percy looked affronted. **

"**That," he said stiffly, "is none of your business. It's Crabbe, isn't it?"**

"**Wh — oh, yeah," said Ron. **

Ginny: Well done for nearly blowing your cover, Ron.

"**Well, get off to your dormitories," said Percy sternly. "It's not safe to go wandering around dark corridors these days." **

"**You are," Ron pointed out. **

George: That will get the pompous git.

"**I," said Percy, drawing himself up, "am a prefect. Nothing's about to attack me." **

Minerva: That didn't stop it last time.

**A voice suddenly echoed behind Harry and Ron. Draco Malfoy was strolling toward them, and for the first time in his life, Harry was pleased to see him. **

George: QUICK! THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING! EVERYBODY RUUUUN!

Hermione: Sit down.

"**There you are," he drawled, looking at them. "Have you two been pigging out in the Great Hall all this time? **

Luna: He knows them too well… Crabbe and Goyle, I mean. Not you two.

Ron: Phew! For a minute there I thought you were calling us fat.

**I've been looking for you; I want to show you something really funny." **

Neville: That can't be good.

**Malfoy glanced witheringly at Percy. **

"**And what're you doing down here, Weasley?" he sneered. **

**Percy looked outraged. **

Ginny: Surprise, surprise.

"**You want to show a bit more respect to a school prefect!" he said. "I don't like your attitude!" **

Minerva: Oh, believe me, it's something he picked from his ancestors.

**Malfoy sneered and motioned for Harry and Ron to follow him. Harry almost said something apologetic to Percy but caught himself just in time. **

Ginny: Merlin, you two are bad at being undercover!

**He and Ron hurried after Malfoy, who said as they turned into the next passage, "That Peter Weasley —" **

"**Percy," Ron corrected him automatically. **

(The whole table winces.)

"**Whatever," said Malfoy. **

Neville: Lucky escape.

"**I've noticed him sneaking around a lot lately. And I bet I know what he's up to. He thinks he's going to catch Slytherin's heir single-handed." **

George: I would not be surprised at all to find out that was true.

**He gave a short, derisive laugh. Harry and Ron exchanged excited looks. **

**Malfoy paused by a stretch of bare, damp stone wall. **

"**What's the new password again?" he said to Harry. **

Horace: Luck is never on your side, is she?

Harry: Oh, she despised me, I can tell you!

"**Er —" said Harry. **

"**Oh, yeah — pure-blood!" said Malfoy, not listening, and a stone door concealed in the wall slid open. **

Michael: What an original password.

**Malfoy marched through it, and Harry and Ron followed him. **

**The Slytherin common room was a long, low underground room with rough stone walls and ceiling from which round, greenish lamps were hanging on chains. **

George: Along with a terrified little first year that they left there as decoration.

**A fire was crackling under an elaborately carved mantelpiece ahead of them, and several Slytherins were silhouetted around it in high-backed chairs. **

Ginny: "Oh, I do say, Humphrey! How spiffing!"

George: "Positively exquisite, Geoffrey."

Ron: "Indeed, my friends."

Neville: "Yeah, Bob."

Ginny: I think you need to get the hang of this game, Neville.

"**Wait here," said Malfoy to Harry and Ron, motioning them to a pair of empty chairs set back from the fire. "I'll go and get it – my father's just sent it to me —" **

Horace: What's the worst that could happen?

**Wondering what Malfoy was going to show them, Harry and Ron sat down, doing their best to look at home. **

Harry: It was unbearably awkward. How come, even with a roaring fire, it was still chilly?

Horace: It's the dungeon of a centuries-old castle. What exactly were you expecting?

Harry: Some basic heating charms, perhaps?

Horace: My snakes prefer it that way. It is not exactly like you should know, anyway, is it?

**Malfoy came back a minute later, holding what looked like a newspaper clipping. He thrust it under Ron's nose. **

Ron: It smelled _wonderful_.

"**That'll give you a laugh," he said. **

**Harry saw Ron's eyes widen in shock. He read the clipping quickly, gave a very forced laugh, and handed it to Harry. **

Hermione: That sounds good.

**It had been clipped out of the **_**Daily Prophet**_**, and it said: **

_**INQUIRY AT THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC **_

Minerva: I swear these people have nothing better to do with their time than set up utterly useless inquiries.

Michael: Hem hem.

Minerva: Darling, we've talked about this. Even the sound of over-exaggerated throat-clearing makes me gag now.

_**Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office, was today fined fifty Galleons for bewitching a Muggle car. **_

Minerva: Fifty? That's ridiculous!

_**Mr. Lucius Malfoy, **_

George: BOO! Hiss.

_**a governor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the enchanted car crashed earlier this year, **_

(Ron starts whistling in a false attempt to look innocent).

_**called today for Mr. Weasley's resignation. "Weasley has brought the Ministry into disrepute," **_

Michael: Disrepute, my arse. Nobody would have cared if Malfoy hadn't have pushed for it to be looked into.

_**Mr. Malfoy told our reporter. "He is clearly unfit to draw up our laws and his ridiculous Muggle Protection Act should be scrapped immediately." **_

Neville: Can you be any more conceited?

_**Mr. Weasley was unavailable for comment, although his wife told reporters to clear off or she'd set the family ghoul on them. **_

Ron: Ah, good old Mum.

Ginny: Don't let her hear you calling her old; she'll set the ghoul on _you_.

"**Well?" said Malfoy impatiently as Harry handed the clipping back to him. "Don't you think it's funny?" **

"**Ha, ha," said Harry bleakly. **

George: You really are terrible at undercover reconnaissance.

Ginny: That's a surprisingly long word for you, is it not?

"**Arthur Weasley loves Muggles so much he should snap his wand in half and go and join them," said Malfoy scornfully. **

Ron: Don't suggest it; he probably would.

"**You'd never know the Weasleys were pure-bloods, the way they behave." **

Minerva: They behave the way all Purebloods should. Hell, not just Purebloods, but _everybody_. I don't see why these people hate Muggles just because their parents bonked their own cousins!

George: Way to go, Minnie.

Minerva: Sorry, I got a bit caught up there.

Ginny: Thanks, Prof.

**Ron's — or rather, Crabbe's — face was contorted with fury. **

"**What's up with you, Crabbe?" snapped Malfoy.**

"**Stomach ache," Ron grunted. **

Neville: Nice cover.

"**Well, go up to the hospital wing and give all those Mudbloods a kick from me," said Malfoy, snickering. **

Minerva: How did you manage to refrain from hexing him?

Horace: Well, we don't all have uncontrollable tempers, Minnie.

Minerva: Nobody asked you, Slugbrain.

"**You know, I'm surprised the Daily Prophet hasn't reported all these attacks yet," he went on thoughtfully. "I suppose Dumbledore's trying to hush it all up. **

Minerva: This is a school, not a rumour mill!

**He'll be sacked if it doesn't stop soon. **

Horace (to Minerva): Don't complain about that one; it would mean you would get to be in charge.

**Father's always said old Dumbledore's the worst thing that's ever happened to this place. **

Minerva: Oh, that IS IT!

(There is a strange crackle of magic in the air, though nobody is holding their wands. Minerva has turned much paler and has a blank stare on her face).

Michael: Minerva? Minerva! (He is shaking her by the shoulders now). Calm down before you blow the place up!

Minerva (dazed): What? Oh… oh, Merlin, I'm sorry. Sometimes my magic is a little… out of control…

**He loves Muggleborns. A decent headmaster would never've let slime like that Creevey in."**

Luna: He really listened to his father too much.

(Ron has to stop himself from retorting _'And you didn't?'_).

**Malfoy started taking pictures with an imaginary camera and did a cruel but accurate impression of Colin: "'Potter, can I have your picture, Potter? Can I have your autograph? Can I lick your shoes, please, Potter?"' **

Harry: It has to be said for him, he was a pretty good impressionist.

**He dropped his hands and looked at Harry and Ron. **

"**What's the matter with you two?" **

Neville: Oh, nothing. Apart from the fact that we are actually two Gryffindors, whom you hate, cunningly disguised as your best friends.

**Far too late, Harry and Ron forced themselves to laugh, but Malfoy seemed satisfied; perhaps Crabbe and Goyle were always slow on the uptake. **

Neville: Perhaps?

"**Saint Potter, the Mudbloods' friend," said Malfoy slowly. "He's another one with no proper wizard feeling, or he wouldn't go around with that jumped up Granger Mudblood. **

Minerva: I swear, if I hear the word 'Mudblood' one more time, some bitch is getting cursed.

Michael: Sweetheart, as much as I adore your formidable Scottish temper, I don't think that will solve anything. Besides, I don't see any 'bitches' here, as you so concisely put it.

(Minerva looks doubtfully at him and then turns her gaze towards Horace. Michael stifled a laugh).

**And people think he's Slytherin's heir!" **

Harry: See? It was laughable.

**Harry and Ron waited with bated breath: Malfoy was surely seconds away from telling them it was him — **

Ginny: But it's never that easy, is it.

Neville: And we still have several chapters left.

**but then **

George: Always the 'but'.

**"I wish I knew who it is," **

Ron: We were so bloody close.

**said Malfoy petulantly. "I could help them." **

Hermione: Oh, no doubt he'd love the glory.

**Ron's jaw dropped so that Crabbe looked even more clueless than usual. **

Hermione: Is that physically possible?

**Fortunately, Malfoy didn't notice, and Harry, thinking fast, said, "You must have some idea who's behind it all…" **

Michael: You may be redeeming yourself on the spying front, here.

"**You know I haven't, Goyle, how many times do I have to tell you?" snapped Malfoy.**

Neville: Goyle thought to ask that before? I am strangely impressed.

**"And Father won't tell me anything about the last time the Chamber was opened either. **

Minerva: He wasn't even there. How would he know?

**Of course, it was fifty years ago, so it was before his time, but he knows all about it, and he says that it was all kept quiet and it'll look suspicious if I know too much about it. **

Michael: Not everything is a conspiracy theory.

Luna: There are some rather wonderful Muggle conspiracy theories out there.

**But I know one thing — last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a Mudblood died. **

(Minerva's fists tighten).

**So I bet it's only a matter of time before one of them's killed this time… I hope it's Granger," he said with relish. **

Hermione and Ron: Bastard.

**Ron was clenching Crabbe's gigantic fists. Feeling that it would be a bit of a giveaway if Ron punched Malfoy, **

George: But wouldn't it have been funny?

**Harry shot him a warning look and said, "D'you know if the person who opened the Chamber last time was caught?" **

"**Oh, yeah… whoever it was was expelled," said Malfoy. "They're probably still in Azkaban."**

Minerva: No he wasn't, thank Merlin.

Horace: Poor Hagrid.

Neville: Is he being… nice?

"**Azkaban?" said Harry, puzzled. **

"**Azkaban — the wizard prison, Goyle," said Malfoy, looking at him in disbelief "Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backward." **

Horace: Well, that's one way to keep your friends.

Ginny: Is it?

Horace: Yes. Insult them so they think that nobody else would consider being friends with them and you have them in the palm of your hand; nobody wants to be alone forever.

Ginny: That is diabolical… but kind of good.

**He shifted restlessly in his chair and said, "Father says to keep my head down and let the Heir of Slytherin get on with it. He says the school needs ridding of all the Mudblood filth, but not to get mixed up in it. **

Michael: Merlin, that man knows too much about politics.

**Of course, he's got a lot on his plate at the moment. You know the Ministry of Magic raided our manor last week?" **

(Ron starts laughing).

**Harry tried to force Goyle's dull face into a look of concern. **

"**Yeah…" said Malfoy. "Luckily, they didn't find much. Father's got some very valuable Dark Arts stuff. **

Neville: Because that's something you want to broadcast about the place.

**But luckily, we've got our own secret chamber under the drawing-room floor —" **

Michael: Why would you tell everybody _that_? You would never win at Hide and Seek if they knew where your secret hiding spaces were!

George: Hide and Seek?

Michael: I spend too much time with the grandchildren.

"**Ho!" said Ron. **

George: Ho, ho! Meeeerry Christmas!

**Malfoy looked at him. So did Harry. Ron blushed. Even his hair was turning red. **

Luna: You blush very badly.

Ron: No, it meant that my hair was turning back to normal.

Luna: Oh.

**His nose was also slowly lengthening — their hour was up, **

Harry: And most of it was spent in trying to find out where the Slytherin Common Room was.

**Ron was turning back into himself, and from the look of horror he was suddenly giving Harry, he must be, too. **

**They both jumped to their feet. **

Luna: you can't just run out!

"**Medicine for my stomach," Ron grunted, and without further ado they sprinted the length of the Slytherin common room, hurled themselves at the stone wall, and dashed up the passage, hoping against hope that Malfoy hadn't noticed anything. **

Hermione: I doubt he did; he was probably staring at his reflection in a mirror.

**Harry could feel his feet slipping around in Goyle's huge shoes and had to hoist up his robes as he shrank; **

George: I'm taking a shot for this one.

(He drinks a shot of Firewhiskey and is joined by Luna, Minerva, Michael and Ginny – who had just decided to join the game).

**they crashed up the steps into the dark entrance hall, which was full of a muffled pounding coming from the cupboard where they'd locked Crabbe and Goyle. **

Michael: I wonder what they thought when they woke up in the cupboard… together… with very little clothing…

**Leaving their shoes outside the closet door, **

Luna: That was nice of you.

**they sprinted in their socks up the marble staircase **

George: And fell over half way up.

**toward Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.**

"**Well, it wasn't a complete waste of time," Ron panted, closing the bathroom door behind them. "I know we still haven't found out who's doing the attacks, but I'm going to write to Dad tomorrow and tell him to check under the Malfoys' drawing room." **

Ron: You know, I don't think I ever did that.

Hermione: I doubt you did. You hate writing letters.

**Harry checked his face in the cracked mirror. He was back to normal. **

Harry: Thank goodness.

**He put his glasses on as Ron hammered on the door of Hermione's stall. **

"**Hermione, come out, we've got loads to tell you —" **

"**Go away!" Hermione squeaked. **

Horace: There is no need to be rude!

Hermione: There was!

George: PMS.

**Harry and Ron looked at each other. **

"**What's the matter?" said Ron. "You must be back to normal by now, we are." **

Neville: Well… as normal as you two can get, anyway.

Ron: Gee, thanks, Nev.

**But Moaning Myrtle glided suddenly through the stall door. Harry had never seen her looking so happy. **

Ginny: That can't be good…

"**Ooooooh, wait till you see," she said. "It's awful —" **

Harry: Isn't it always?

**They heard the lock slide back and Hermione emerged, sobbing, her robes pulled up over her head. **

"**What's up?" said Ron uncertainly. "Have you still got Millicent's nose or something?" **

Luna: Oh, I wouldn't come out either if that was me.

**Hermione let her robes fall and Ron backed into the sink. **

Hermione: Thanks for being so encouraging.

**Her face was covered in black fur. Her eyes had turned yellow and there were long, pointed ears poking through her hair. **

"**It was a c-cat hair!" **

Horace: Well done, Minerva.

Minerva: You know, I am not responsible for every feline-related incident in the school.

Horace: You keep saying that.

**she howled. "M-Millicent Bulstrode m-must have a cat! And the p-potion isn't supposed to be used for animal transformations!" **

Horace: I am impressed that it worked, though.

Hermione: Worked? I was half-human, half-cat. In what way did that _work_?

"**Uh-oh," said Ron. **

Ginny: Is that really all you could say on the matter?

Ron: I'd like to see your reaction to finding one of you best friends turned into a half-cat weirdo!

Minerva: I shall ignore that last bit.

"**You'll be teased something dreadful," said Myrtle happily.**

Luna: I know she was bullied, but there was no need for her to be so mean.

"**It's okay, Hermione," said Harry quickly. "We'll take you up to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey never asks too many questions…" **

Neville: Do we know the same Madam Pomfrey?

**It took a long time to persuade Hermione to leave the bathroom. **

**Moaning Myrtle sped them on their way with a hearty guffaw. "Wait till everyone finds out you've got a tail!" **

Hermione: Cow.

* * *

_A/N: I apologize for the lack of quality here, it's just that Chamber of Secrets is my least favourite, so I sort of struggle with this one. Anywho, leave a review if you're reading. Much obliged._


	13. Just Like a Teenage Girl

_A/N: Obviously, this was started Pre-Pottermore so I'm sticking with the original McGonagall timeline._

* * *

Michael: My turn to read!

**The Very Secret Diary**

Michael: Sounds kinky.

Horace: Oh, here we go!

**Hermione remained in the hospital wing for several weeks. **

**There was a flurry of rumour about her disappearance **

Hermione: Isn't there always?

**when the rest of the school arrived back from their Christmas holidays, because of course everyone thought that she had been attacked. **

Luna: People always think the worst, don't they?

**So many students filed past the hospital wing trying to catch a glimpse of her **

Ron: Nosy buggers.

**that Madam Pomfrey took out her curtains again and placed them around Hermione's bed, **

Neville: Well, that's nice.

**to spare her the shame of being seen with a furry face. **

Neville: Not so nice.

**Harry and Ron went to visit her every evening. **

Ginny: Aww, well isn't that sweet?

**When the new term started, they brought her each day's homework. **

Ginny: Or maybe not so sweet…

Hermione: I think it was sweet.

"**If I'd sprouted whiskers, I'd take a break from work," said Ron, **

Hermione: You would use any excuse to take a break from work.

**tipping a stack of books onto Hermione's bedside table one evening. **

"**Don't be silly, Ron, I've got to keep up," said Hermione briskly. **

Ron: And you wondered why you never had any friends at the start of first year?

Hermione: I can't help it if I am dedicated to my work! It's more than I can say for you!

Ron: I like weekends…

**Her spirits were greatly improved by the fact that all the hair had gone from her face and her eyes were turning slowly back to brown. "I don't suppose you've got any new leads?" **

George: Ooh, you little amateur detective, you!

**she added in a whisper, so that Madam Pomfrey couldn't hear her. **

Ginny: Getting the hang of this Hogwarts gossip thing, aren't you?

Hermione: It took long enough.

"**Nothing," said Harry gloomily. **

Luna: Don't be disheartened, Harry.

"**I was so sure it was Malfoy," said Ron, for about the hundredth time. **

Horace: This is why you should stop blaming people for everything before you have proof.

Michael: Says the man who _always _blames Filius when his pineapple stuff goes missing.

Horace: _Crystallised _pineapple, it is _crystallised _pineapple!

"**What's that?" asked Harry, pointing to something gold sticking out from under Hermione's pillow. **

George: An engagement ring for Gilderoy.

Hermione: Oh, shut up, George!

"**Just a get well card," said Hermione hastily, trying to poke it out of sight, but Ron was too quick for her. **

Ron (cracking his knuckles in front of him): Well, what can I say? I'm just that good.

(Hermione bats him sharply around the head with a Daily Prophet that the Room of Requirement conveniently provided).

Ron: Ouch. There was no need for that.

**He pulled it out, flicked it open, and read aloud: **

"_**To Miss Granger, wishing you a speedy recovery, from your concerned teacher, **_

Minerva: Here we go!

_**Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, **_

Horace: I see you could not be bothered to send your star pupil a get well card.

Minerva: I see you have no desire to keep your vital organs intact.

_**Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award." **_

Minerva: Really? What is with all the titles? It's a bloody get well card!

Horace: Just because you were never kind enough to send her one.

Minerva: I visited her though… once…

Hermione: Yes, and it was very kind of you.

Ron: Hello? Is nobody concerned with the fact that Hermione kept a get well card from Lockhart under her pillow?

Luna: Not really, no.

**Ron looked up at Hermione, disgusted. **

"**You sleep with this under your pillow?" **

Ron: Seriously? Does nobody else find that startling or bemusing or wrong on many levels?

Harry: Meh.

Ron: Oh, well, thanks, mate.

**But Hermione was spared answering by Madam Pomfrey sweeping over with her evening dose of medicine. **

Michael: We all complain about her fussiness, but that woman does have impeccable timing.

"**Is Lockhart the smarmiest bloke you've ever met, or what?"**

Horace: A close second, I would say.

Michael: Second? Who was first?

Horace: Have a think.

Michael: Your reflection?

Horace: I – I… well, I never!

**Ron said to Harry as they left the infirmary and started up the stairs toward Gryffindor Tower. **

**Snape had given them so much homework, Harry thought he was likely to be in the sixth year before he finished it. **

Harry: Actually, there was a cast deal of it that I managed to evade for my entire school life.

**Ron was just saying he wished he had asked Hermione how many rat tails you were supposed to add to a Hair Raising Potion **

Ginny: I'm sorry, whose priorities need to be examined now?

**when an angry outburst from the floor above reached their ears. **

"**That's Filch," Harry muttered as they hurried up the stairs and paused, out of sight, listening hard. **

Neville: My Gran always said that it was rude to eavesdrop on conversations that aren't your own.

"**You don't think someone else's been attacked?" said Ron tensely. **

**They stood still, their heads inclined toward Filch's voice, which sounded quite hysterical. **

George: It turns out that his love letter to Umbridge had just been returned to him in tatters.

"**Even more work for me! Mopping all night, like I haven't got enough to do! No, this is the final straw, I'm going to Dumbledore —" **

Minerva: For goodness' sake, the Headmaster had more important things to do than to listen to your complaints about mud.

**His footsteps receded along the out-of-sight corridor and they heard a distant door slam. **

**They poked their heads around the corner. Filch had clearly been manning his usual lookout post: They were once again on the spot where Mrs. Norris had been attacked. **

Horace: You two have the most unfortunate habit of turning up in the wrong places.

Harry: Yes. We know that.

**They saw at a glance what Filch had been shouting about. A great flood of water stretched over half the corridor, and it looked as though it was still seeping from under the door of Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. **

George: Merlin, somebody had a bit of an accident.

**Now that Filch had stopped shouting, they could hear Myrtle's wails echoing off the bathroom walls. **

"**Now what's up with her?" said Ron. **

Hermione: Oh, there's always something up with Myrtle.

Luna: She just wants friends, that's all.

Ron: Yeah, well, she's got a funny way of showing it.

"**Let's go and see," said Harry, and holding their robes over their ankles they stepped through the great wash of water to the door bearing its OUT OF ORDER sign, ignored it as always, **

Ginny: Naturally. Not like the sign's there for a reason or anything…

**and entered.**

**Moaning Myrtle was crying, if possible, louder and harder than ever before. **

George: And there were floods of awkward teenage ghost tears cascading through the bathroom, knocking everything into its waves of Biblical proportions.

**She seemed to be hiding down her usual toilet. **

Neville: I hope never to hear that sentence again.

**It was dark in the bathroom because the candles had been extinguished in the great rush of water that had left both walls and floor soaking wet. **

George: Who puts candles in a bathroom?

(Minerva starts whistling in an attempt to look innocent).

"**What's up, Myrtle?" said Harry. **

Luna: That's all you could come up with? Ghosts are people too, you know; you needn't be afraid of them.

"**Who's that?" glugged Myrtle miserably. "Come to throw something else at me?" **

(Ginny looks guiltily towards her feet).

**Harry waded across to her stall and said, "Why would I throw something at you?" **

Harry: It would just go straight through.

(Ginny slaps him around the head).

Harry: Ouch.

Ginny: Don't be so mean to Myrtle.

"**Don't ask me," Myrtle shouted, emerging with a wave of yet more water, which splashed onto the already sopping floor. **

Horace: Were you all aware that this water had just been in a toilet?

"**Here I am, minding my own business, and someone thinks it's funny to throw a book at me…" **

Neville: You have to admit, it is kind of a funny image, though.

Ron: Neville… just… no. Really, no.

Neville: Gah, I can't do anything right, can I?

Hermione: Sorry, Neville.

"**But it can't hurt you if someone throws something at you," said Harry, reasonably. "I mean, it'd just go right through you, wouldn't it?" **

Harry: Did you hear that Ginny? This Rowling woman thinks that it's a reasonable observation.

Ginny: She's evidently never spent any time with Myrtle, has she?

**He had said the wrong thing. **

Harry: As per usual.

Michael: It doesn't get easier, trust me.

**Myrtle puffed herself up and shrieked, "Let's all throw books at Myrtle, because she can't feel it! Ten points if you can get it through her stomach! Fifty points if it goes through her head! **

George: Bet you a Galleon I could get one hundred points in two shots.

Luna: That's not very nice.

George: Neither is Myrtle.

**Well, ha, ha, ha! What a lovely game, I don't think!" **

"**Who threw it at you, anyway?" asked Harry. **

"**I don't know… I was just sitting in the U-bend, thinking about death, **

Ron: As you do.

**and it fell right through the top of my head," said Myrtle, glaring at them. "It's over there, it got washed out…" **

**Harry and Ron looked under the sink where Myrtle was pointing. A small, thin book lay there. **

**It had a shabby black cover and was as wet as **

Michael: DON'T!

George: Says King Innuendo.

**everything else in the bathroom. Harry stepped forward to pick it up, but Ron suddenly flung out an arm to hold him back. **

Ginny: Look up 'bromance' in a dictionary and you will see a picture of these two.

Luna: I don't think you would find 'bromance' in a dictionary.

Hermione: Luna just owned you.

George: Hermione just said 'owned'.

"**What?" said Harry. **

"**Are you crazy?" said Ron. "It could be dangerous." **

"**Dangerous?" said Harry, laughing. "Come off it, how could it be dangerous?" **

Ron: You go to Hogwarts. Even eating breakfast is like Russian roulette.

"**You'd be surprised," said Ron, who was looking apprehensively at the book. "Some of the books the Ministry's confiscated Dad's told me — there was one that burned your eyes out. And everyone who read Sonnets of a Sorcerer spoke in limericks for the rest of their lives. **

George: There once was a woman from Edinburgh –

Horace: Stop. Right. There.

**And some old witch in Bath had a book that you could never stop reading! You just had to wander around with your nose in it, trying to do everything one-handed. And —" **

Hermione: I would like that book.

"**All right, I've got the point," said Harry. **

Ron: Glad I've made my point.

**The little book lay on the floor, nondescript and soggy. **

"**Well, we won't find out unless we look at it," he said, and he ducked around Ron and picked it up off the floor. **

Horace: Gryffindors cannot take warnings.

Ginny: It's called bravery.

Horace: It's called stupidity.

Michael: This coming from you.

**Harry saw at once that it was a diary, and the faded year on the cover told him it was fifty years old. He opened it eagerly. On the first page he could just make out the name "T M. Riddle" in smudged ink.**

"**Hang on," said Ron, who had approached cautiously and was looking over Harry's shoulder. "I know that name… T. M. Riddle got an award for special services to the school fifty years ago." **

Minerva: Services to the school, my arse.

Horace: Services to your arse? I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.

Minerva: Sorry, Horace, I forgot that was your territory.

Horace: Low blow.

"**How on earth d'you know that?" said Harry in amazement. **

Ron: Such faith in me.

"**Because Filch made me polish his shield about fifty times in detention," said Ron resentfully. **

Michael: At least you learned something in school.

**"That was the one I burped slugs all over. ** **If you'd wiped slime off a name for an hour, you'd remember it, too." **

**Harry peeled the wet pages apart. They were completely blank. There wasn't the faintest trace of writing on any of them, not even Auntie Mabel's birthday, or dentist, half-past three. **

Hermione: It's unlikely that much writing would survive being soaked vigorously in the toilet.

Harry: Can you imagine him keeping a diary, though?

Ron: Makes him sound like a little girl. 'Dear Diary, Today I ran into a wall. It hurt. I spent the rest of the day with my fluffy kitty and a massive cup of hot chocolate with my pink slippers and a romantic novel'.

(Harry shudders).

"**He never wrote in it," said Harry, disappointed. **

Neville: Just Harry being a gossip-monger.

"**I wonder why someone wanted to flush it away?" said Ron curiously. **

**Harry turned to the back cover of the book and saw the printed name of a newsagents' on Vauxhall Road, London. **

"**He must've been Muggle-born," said Harry thoughtfully. "To have bought a diary from Vauxhall Road…" **

Horace: Wizards can go to Muggle shops too, you know.

"**Well, it's not much use to you," said Ron. He dropped his voice. "Fifty points if you can get it through Myrtle's nose." **

**Harry, however, pocketed it. **

**Hermione left the hospital wing, de-whiskered, tail-less, and fur-free, at the beginning of February. **

Hermione: In the meantime, I missed out on all the good stuff.

**On her first evening back in Gryffindor Tower, Harry showed her T. M. Riddle's diary and told her the story of how they had found it. **

"**Oooh, it might have hidden powers," said Hermione enthusiastically, taking the diary and looking at it closely. **

George: Oooh, someone's getting camp.

"**If it has, it's hiding them very well," said Ron. "Maybe it's shy. **

Ginny: Diary empathy. Now I've seen it all.

**I don't know why you don't chuck it, Harry." **

"**I wish I knew why someone did try to chuck it," said Harry. "I wouldn't mind knowing how Riddle got an award for special services to Hogwarts either." **

Minerva: For being a complete arse.

Horace: I don't think they give out awards for that, dear.

"**Could've been anything," said Ron. "Maybe he got thirty O.W.L.s or saved a teacher from the giant squid. Maybe he murdered Myrtle; that would've done everyone a favour…" **

Luna: Myrtle's actually not that bad if you take the time to listen to her.

**But Harry could tell from the arrested look on Hermione's face that she was thinking what he was thinking. **

George: Harry Potter, professional mind-reader.

"**What?" said Ron, looking from one to the other. **

Ginny: Poor Ron, always left out because of his brain cell deficiency.

Ron: Ginny, just because you're my sister, I'll let that one slide.

"**Well, the Chamber of Secrets was opened fifty years ago, wasn't it?" he said. "That's what Malfoy said." **

Neville: Like you can trust what Malfoy says.

"**Yeah…" said Ron slowly. **

"**And this diary is fifty years old," said Hermione, tapping it excitedly.**

"**So?" **

Hermione: Oh, Ronald.

"**Oh, Ron, wake up," snapped Hermione. "We know the person who opened the Chamber last time was expelled fifty years ago. We know T. M. Riddle got an award for special services to the school fifty years ago. Well, what if Riddle got his special award for catching the Heir of Slytherin? **

Harry: Your brain is too good at making connections.

Hermione: I thank you.

**His diary would probably tell us everything — where the Chamber is, and how to open it, and what sort of creature lives in it — the person who's behind the attacks this time wouldn't want that lying around, would they?" **

Minerva: But then why flush it down a toilet? Why not burn it?

(Ginny mutters something incomprehensible).

"**That's a brilliant theory, Hermione," said Ron, "with just one tiny little flaw. There's nothing written in his diary." **

Hermione: Ever the pessimist.

Ron: I'm not a pessimist, I just want to check that everything works.

**But Hermione was pulling her wand out of her bag. **

"**It might be invisible ink!" she whispered. **

Ron: This isn't a James Bond book, Hermione.

Michael: Come again?

Ron: James Bond was an amazing fictional spy.

Hermione: I regret buying you those books for Christmas.

**She tapped the diary three times and said, **_**"Aparecium!" **_

**Nothing happened. Undaunted, Hermione shoved her hand back into her bag and pulled out what appeared to be a bright red eraser.**

"**It's a Revealer, I got it in Diagon Alley," she said. **

**She rubbed hard **

George: Ahem.

**on January first. Nothing happened. **

Ron: Anti-climax of the week.

"**I'm telling you, there's nothing to find in there," said Ron. "Riddle just got a diary for Christmas and couldn't be bothered filling it in." **

Luna: I think you mean 'Ron', not 'Riddle'.

Neville: Ooh, burn.

Ron: Neville…

**Harry couldn't explain, even to himself, why he didn't just throw Riddle's diary away. The fact was that even though he knew the diary was blank, he kept absentmindedly picking it up and turning the pages, as though it were a story he wanted to finish. **

George: Don't be silly, Harry can't read.

**And while Harry was sure he had never heard the name T. M. Riddle before, it still seemed to mean something to him, almost as though Riddle was a friend he'd had when he was very small, and had half-forgotten. **

Minerva: Well… that is just creepy.

**But this was absurd. He'd never had friends before Hogwarts, Dudley had made sure of that. **

Ron: Bloody Dudley.

**Nevertheless, Harry was determined to find out more about Riddle, so next day at break, he headed for the trophy room to examine Riddle's special award, accompanied by an interested Hermione and a thoroughly unconvinced Ron, who told them he'd seen enough of the trophy room to last him a lifetime. **

Ron: I had.

**Riddle's burnished gold shield was tucked away in a corner cabinet. It didn't carry details of why it had been given to him ("Good thing, too, or it'd be even bigger and I'd still be polishing it," said Ron). **

Hermione: Oh, Ron. I do love you.

Ron: Thank Merlin for that!

**However, they did find Riddle's name on an old Medal for Magical Merit, and on a list of old Head Boys. **

"**He sounds like Percy," said Ron, wrinkling his nose in disgust. **

"**Prefect, Head Boy… probably top of every class —" **

Minerva: Ahem.

George: Cough, Minnie?

"**You say that like it's a bad thing," said Hermione in a slightly hurt voice. **

Ginny: At least Hermione didn't wipe it in everybody's faces.

Neville, Harry, George and Ron: Hem, hem.

**The sun had now begun to shine weakly on Hogwarts again. **

Horace: Sunshine in Scotland? It's a miracle!

**Inside the castle, the mood had grown more hopeful. There had been no more attacks since those on Justin and Nearly Headless Nick, and Madam Pomfrey was pleased to report that the Mandrakes were becoming moody and secretive, meaning that they were fast leaving childhood. **

Neville: I think she just described puberty.

"**The moment their acne clears up, they'll be ready for repotting again," Harry heard her telling Filch kindly one afternoon. **

Minerva: Pomona always has been too kind for her own good.

Horace: You could learn something from her.

Minerva: It hasn't happened in over sixty years, I doubt it will happen now.

**"And after that, it won't be long until we're cutting them up and stewing them. **

Luna: Oh, the poor dears.

**You'll have Mrs. Norris back in no time." **

Ginny: Is that supposed to be a good thing?

**Perhaps the Heir of Slytherin had lost his or her nerve, thought Harry. **

Luna: I appreciate the gender-equality message of that sentence.

Horace: Why?

Minerva: Are trying to say that a woman couldn't be an evil genius too?

Horace: Please, dear, I've known _you _for years.

**It must be getting riskier and riskier to open the Chamber of Secrets, with the school so alert and suspicious. Perhaps the monster, whatever it was, was even now settling itself down to hibernate for another fifty years…**

Harry: Pfft. As if anything here is that simple.

**Ernie Macmillan of Hufflepuff didn't take this cheerful view. He was still convinced that Harry was the guilty one, that he had "given himself away" at the Duelling Club. Peeves wasn't helping matters;**

Minerva: Does he ever?

Harry: Only when he's unscrewing chandeliers.

Minerva: You heard that?

Harry: I have the hearing of a bat.

**he kept popping up in the crowded corridors singing "Oh, Potter, you rotter…" now with a dance routine to match. **

Hermione: He would be a hit on those awful reality TV shows.

**Gilderoy Lockhart seemed to think he himself had made the attacks stop. **

Minerva: Ah, the male ego.

**Harry overheard him telling Professor McGonagall so while the Gryffindors were lining up for Transfiguration. "I don't think there'll be any more trouble, Minerva," he said, tapping his nose knowingly and winking. **

Minerva: The man would not leave. I almost hexed him.

George: Why didn't you?

Minerva: I wasn't about to get myself fired!

George: It would be for the greater good.

"**I think the Chamber has been locked for good this time. **

Ginny: Wrong.

**The culprit must have known it was only a matter of time before I caught him. Rather sensible to stop now, before I came down hard on him. **

Michael: Bet he would have liked that.

Minerva: Michael!

"**You know, what the school needs now is a morale-booster. **

Horace: I don't like the sound of this.

**Wash away the memories of last term! I won't say any more just now, but I think I know just the thing…" **

**He tapped his nose again and strode off. **

**Lockhart's idea of a morale-booster became clear at breakfast time on February fourteenth. **

Horace: There is something familiar about that date…

Michael: It's Valentine's Day.

Minerva: And it's vaguely familiar because it's the day that you spend all alone, surrounded by loved-up couples… wait… that's every day.

**Harry hadn't had much sleep because of a late-running Quidditch practice the night before, **

George: That's his excuse, anyway.

**and he hurried down to the Great Hall, slightly late. He thought, for a moment, that he'd walked through the wrong doors. **

**The walls were all covered with large, lurid pink flowers. **

(A series of low groans emanate from around the table).

**Worse still, heart-shaped confetti was falling from the pale blue ceiling.**

(More groaning).

Horace: And I thought Albus's pantomime attempts were horrible.

**Harry went over to the Gryffindor table, where Ron was sitting looking sickened, and Hermione seemed to have been overcome with giggles. **

Harry: You were a sweet child.

Ron: When you weren't lording it about, being cleverer than us.

Hermione: Thanks Ron.

"**What's going on?" Harry asked them, sitting down and wiping confetti off his bacon. **

Neville: Mmmm… paper-covered bacon.

**Ron pointed to the teachers' table, apparently too disgusted to speak. **

George: He just couldn't stand to look at Snape any longer.

**Lockhart, wearing lurid pink robes to match the decorations, **

Minerva: He stole them from Severus's wardrobe.

**was waving for silence. The teachers on either side of him were looking stony-faced. From where he sat, Harry could see a muscle going in Professor McGonagall's cheek. **

Minerva: I was refraining from shouting.

**Snape looked as though someone had just fed him a large beaker of Skele-Gro. **

Harry: Actually, it looked like he would have preferred that to Lockhart.

"**Happy Valentine's Day!" Lockhart shouted. "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards! **

Horace: It was probably just Minerva sending forty-six cards.

Minerva: I won't even dignify that with a reply.

Neville: You just did.

**Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all — and it doesn't end here!" **

Minerva: No, that would be too easy.

**Lockhart clapped his hands and through the doors to the entrance hall marched a dozen surly-looking dwarfs. Not just any dwarfs, however. Lockhart had them all wearing golden wings and carrying harps.**

Harry: Isn't there some kind of law against that?

Hermione: There will be as soon as I get back to the office.

"**My friendly, card-carrying cupids!" beamed Lockhart. "They will be roving around the school today delivering your valentines! And the fun doesn't stop here! I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! **

Ron: Oh, poor, misguided soul.

**Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion! **

Harry: And get murdered in the process.

**And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"**

Horace: I shall have to talk to him later. Whenever they let us out of this godforsaken place.

(A message materialises on the table).

Neville: Read it then!

Horace: It says _'Mr. Slughorn, you have food, drinks and company. You have no right to complain. Just get to the end of the book.'_ Charming.

**Professor Flitwick buried his face in his hands. **

Minerva: Because it's true.

**Snape was looking as though the first person to ask him for a Love Potion would be force-fed poison.**

Harry: Probably the only reason why Lavender didn't ask him for a love potion.

"**Please, Hermione, tell me you weren't one of the forty-six," said Ron **

George: Well, if that's not a pick-up line, I don't know what is!

(Hermione blushes and Ron's ears turn a bright shade of red).

**as they left the Great Hall for their first lesson. Hermione suddenly became very interested in searching her bag for her schedule and didn't answer. **

Michael: Dearie me.

**All day long, the dwarfs kept barging into their classes to deliver valentines, to the annoyance of the teachers, **

Minerva: That is an understatement.

**and late that afternoon as the Gryffindors were walking upstairs for Charms, one of the dwarfs caught up with Harry. **

"**Oy, you! 'Arry Potter!" shouted a particularly grim-looking dwarf, elbowing people out of the way to get to Harry. **

**Hot all over at the thought of being given a valentine in front of a line of first years, which happened to include Ginny Weasley, Harry tried to escape. **

Ginny: Awwww.

**The dwarf, however, cut his way through the crowd by kicking people's shins, and reached him before he'd gone two paces. **

"**I've got a musical message to deliver to 'Arry Potter in person," he said, twanging his harp in a threatening sort of way. **

Michael: I have never seen a threatening harp but, for some reason, I wish I had.

"**Not here," Harry hissed, trying to escape. **

"**Stay still!" grunted the dwarf, grabbing hold of Harry's bag and pulling him back. **

"**Let me go!" Harry snarled, tugging. **

**With a loud ripping noise, his bag split in two. His books, wand, parchment, and quill spilled onto the floor and his ink bottle smashed over everything.**

Luna: Filch won't be happy.

**Harry scrambled around, trying to pick it all up before the dwarf started singing, causing something of a holdup in the corridor. **

"**What's going on here?" came the cold, drawling voice of Draco Malfoy. **

Neville: It would be Malfoy, wouldn't it?

**Harry started stuffing everything feverishly into his ripped bag, desperate to get away before Malfoy could hear his musical valentine. **

"**What's all this commotion?" said another familiar voice as Percy Weasley arrived. **

**Losing his head, Harry tried to make a run for it, **

Ron: Pfft. Good luck.

**but the dwarf seized him around the knees and brought him crashing to the floor. **

George: Now you can cross "get tackled by a dwarf" off of your to-do list.

"**Right," he said, sitting on Harry's ankles. **

"**Here is your singing valentine: **

_**His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad, **_

Harry: Charming.

_**His hair is as dark as a blackboard, **_

_**I wish he was mine, **_

_**He's really divine, **_

Harry: Well… I don't like to boast…

_**The hero who conquered the Dark Lord **_

Ginny (jokingly): Hands off, he's mine.

(Harry looks at her with a raised eyebrow).

Harry: I love it when you get protective.

Ginny: You're welcome.

**Harry would have given all the gold in Gringotts to evaporate on the spot. **

Luna: But that would be theft.

**Trying valiantly to laugh along with everyone else, he got up, his feet numb from the weight of the dwarf, as Percy Weasley did his best to disperse the crowd, some of whom were crying with mirth. **

Hermione: We attended such a supportive school.

Minerva: Even the closest of families, Hermione, must learn to find the light where they can.

Michael: Also, physical comedy is hilarious.

"**Off you go, off you go, the bell rang five minutes ago, off to class, now," he said, shooing some of the younger students away. "And you, Malfoy —" **

**Harry, glancing over, saw Malfoy stoop and snatch up something. Leering, he showed it to Crabbe and Goyle, and Harry realized that he'd got Riddle's diary.**

Neville: Damn.

"**Give that back," said Harry quietly. **

"**Wonder what Potter's written in this?" said Malfoy, who obviously hadn't noticed the year on the cover and thought he had Harry's own diary. **

Harry: That was safely tucked away underneath my socks in my trunk.

**A hush fell over the onlookers. Ginny was staring from the diary to Harry, looking terrified. **

Ginny: Sorry about the card.

Harry: No, no. It was sweet.

George: And creepy.

Harry: And creepy.

"**Hand it over, Malfoy," said Percy sternly. **

"**When I've had a look," said Malfoy, waving the diary tauntingly at Harry. **

Luna: He did like to gossip, didn't he?

**Percy said, "As a school prefect —" but Harry had lost his temper. **

**He pulled out his wand and shouted, **_**"Expelliarmus!"**_

Horace: Magic is forbidden in the corridors! Someone stop this child!

**and just as Snape had disarmed Lockhart, **

George: Best moment of the year.

**so Malfoy found the diary shooting out of his hand into the air. Ron, grinning broadly, caught it. **

Ron: I was obviously destined to be a Kepper.

"**Harry!" said Percy loudly. "No magic in the corridors. I'll have to report this, you know!" **

Horace: Finally! Somebody to restore order to this place.

**But Harry didn't care, **

George: Watch out, we've got a badass over here.

**he was one-up on Malfoy, and that was worth five points from Gryffindor any day. Malfoy was looking furious, and as Ginny passed him to enter her classroom, he yelled spitefully after her, "I don't think Potter liked your valentine much!" **

Ron: Draco Malfoy, match-making since 1992.

**Ginny covered her face with her hands and ran into class. **

Harry (pulling her into a hug): Aw, Gin.

**Snarling, Ron pulled out his wand, too, but Harry pulled him away. Ron didn't need to spend the whole of Charms belching slugs. **

Ron: Would have gotten me out of it, though.

**It wasn't until they had reached Professor Flitwick's class that Harry noticed something rather odd about Riddle's diary. All his other books were drenched in scarlet ink. The diary, however, was as clean as it had been before the ink bottle had smashed all over it. **

Michael: Spooky.

**He tried to point this out to Ron, but Ron was having trouble with his wand again; large purple bubbles were blossoming out of the end, and he wasn't much interested in anything else. **

Hermione: Looks like Lockhart's Valentine fever was catching.

**Harry went to bed before anyone else in his dormitory that night. This was partly because he didn't think he could stand Fred and George singing, "His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad" one more time, **

George: You're welcome.

**and partly because he wanted to examine Riddle's diary again, and knew that Ron thought he was wasting his time. **

**Harry sat on his four-poster and flicked through the blank pages, not one of which had a trace of scarlet ink on it. Then he pulled a new bottle out of his bedside cabinet, dipped his quill into it, and dropped a blot onto the first page of the diary. **

Luna: That's somebody's property.

**The ink shone brightly on the paper for a second and then, as though it was being sucked into the page, vanished. Excited, Harry loaded up his quill a second time and wrote, "My name is Harry Potter." **

Horace: Like it would talk back to you.

**The words shone momentarily on the page and they, too, sank without trace. Then, at last, something happened.**

**Oozing back out of the page, in his very own ink, came words Harry had never written. **

"_**Hello, Harry Potter. My name is Tom Riddle. **_

Neville (to Horace): You were saying?

George: The Diary of Ickle Voldiekins. January First: There was a rainbow today, but not much sunshine. Too bad. I love when the sun is shining because I can go outside and hold hands with the Hufflepuffs while we all sit by the lake and throw treats to the giant squid. Nothing could have ruined my day today… apart from that obnoxious, tartan-wearing nerd in the next year up. She wouldn't snog me so now I'm off to cry in the bathroom. Night, night, Diary.

Minerva: _Obnoxious, tartan-wearing nerd_?

George: Don't get mad! It was Voldy, not me!

Horace: Well, 'Ickle Voldiekins' was pretty accurate.

_**How did you come by my diary?**_**" **

Harry: It was in a toilet.

**These words, too, faded away, but not before Harry had started to scribble back. **

"**Someone tried to flush it down a toilet." **

Hermione: Very complimentary.

**He waited eagerly for Riddle's reply. **

Horace: I hope you realise that you were having a conversation with an empty diary.

"_**Lucky that I recorded my memories in some more lasting way than ink**_**. **

Minerva: He always did strive to be remembered.

_**But I always knew that there would be those who would not want this diary read**_**." **

Ron: Like every sane person on the planet.

"**What do you mean?" Harry scrawled, blotting the page in his excitement. **

"_**I mean that this diary holds memories of terrible things. Things that were covered up. Things that happened at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**_**." **

Michael: Well that sounds a bit pretentious, doesn't it? Why couldn't he just say 'Hogwarts?'

"**That's where I am now," Harry wrote quickly. "I'm at Hogwarts, and horrible stuff's been happening. Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?" **

Horace: That's a bit of a long shot.

**His heart was hammering. Riddle's reply came quickly, his writing becoming untidier, as though he was hurrying to tell all he knew. **

Hermione: That's never a good sign.

"_**Of course I know about the Chamber of Secrets**_**. **

Michael: Silly you. How could you question that?

_**In my day, **_

George: Careful, old people always start really dull stories with "Back in my day…".

Michael: Back in my day, we learned not to say stuff like that in front of old people.

Horace: Old? Speak for yourself!

Michael: You're older than I am!

Horace: Wouldn't be able to tell it, though.

(Minerva clears her throat loudly).

Minerva: The story, perhaps?

_**they told us it was a legend, that it did not exist. But this was a lie. In my fifth year, the Chamber was opened and the monster attacked several students, finally killing one. I caught the person who'd opened the Chamber and he was expelled**_**. **

Minerva: Glory hog.

_**But the Headmaster, Professor Dippet, ashamed that such a thing had happened at Hogwarts, forbade me to tell the truth. A story was given out that the girl had died in a freak accident. **_

Horace: Armando always was keen on keeping up the school's reputation.

Minerva: But he sacrificed the truth for it.

Harry: Sometimes it's better to lie.

_**They gave me a nice, shiny, engraved trophy for my trouble and warned me to keep my mouth shut. But I knew it could happen again. The monster lived on, and the one who had the power to release it was not imprisoned**_**." **

Ron: No wonder.

**Harry nearly upset his ink bottle in his hurry to write back. **

"**It's happening again now. There have been three attacks and no one seems to know who's behind them. Who was it last time?" **

Horace: Never show your hand all at once, Harry.

Michael: Spoken like a true Slytherin.

"_**I can show you, if you like**_**," came Riddle's reply. "**_**You don't have to take my word for it. I can take you inside my memory of the night when I caught him**_**." **

Luna: Like a pensieve?

**Harry hesitated, his quill suspended over the diary. What did Riddle mean? **

George: Didn't anybody ever tell you not to go with strange men talking through diaries?

Harry: Strangely, no.

**How could he be taken inside somebody else's memory? He glanced nervously at the door to the dormitory, which was growing dark. When he looked back at the diary, he saw fresh words forming. **

Ginny: Oh dear.

"_**Let me show you.**_**"**

**Harry paused for a fraction of a second and then wrote two letters. **

Neville: N.O.

"**OK." **

Neville: Damn it, Harry!

**The pages of the diary began to blow as though caught in a high wind, stopping halfway through the month of June. Mouth hanging open, Harry saw that the little square for June thirteenth seemed to have turned into a miniscule television screen. **

Luna: So it was like a pensieve?

Harry: Yeah, I suppose you could say that.

**His hands trembling slightly, he raised the book to press his eye against the little window, and before he knew what was happening, he was tilting forward; the window was widening, he felt his body leave his bed, and he was pitched headfirst through the opening in the page, into a whirl of colour and shadow. **

Neville: Isn't that kind of a contradiction?

**He felt his feet hit solid ground, and stood, shaking, as the blurred shapes around him came suddenly into focus. **

George: PUT YOUR GLASSES BACK ON, POTTER!

**He knew immediately where he was. This circular room with the sleeping portraits was Dumbledore's office — but it wasn't Dumbledore who was sitting behind the desk. **

Hermione: Was I seriously the only one to read Hogwarts: A History?

Neville: Probably.

**A wizened, frail-looking wizard, bald except for a few wisps of white hair, was reading a letter by candlelight. Harry had never seen this man before. **

"**I'm sorry," he said shakily. "I didn't mean to butt in —" **

Ginny: Oh, Harry, you're so cute.

**But the wizard didn't look up. He continued to read, frowning slightly. Harry drew nearer to his desk and stammered, "Er — I'll just go, shall I?" **

**Still the wizard ignored him. He didn't seem even to have heard him. Thinking that the wizard might be deaf, Harry raised his voice. **

Minerva: Oh, dear Merlin.

"**Sorry I disturbed you. I'll go now," he half-shouted. **

(Ginny and Hermione are giggling at Harry's stupidity).

**The wizard folded up the letter with a sigh, stood up, walked past Harry without glancing at him, and went to draw the curtains at his window. **

Harry (jokingly): Rude.

**The sky outside the window was ruby-red; **

George: Just like blood.

Neville: That was quite dark.

**it seemed to be sunset. The wizard went back to the desk, sat down, and twiddled his thumbs, watching the door. **

Harry: Obviously, I'm just boring.

George: No comment.

**Harry looked around the office. No Fawkes the phoenix — no whirring silver contraptions. This was Hogwarts as Riddle had known it, meaning that this unknown wizard was Headmaster, not Dumbledore, and he, Harry, **

Hermione: Yes, I'm sure we needed reminding of his name.

**was little more than a phantom, completely invisible to the people of fifty years ago.**

**There was a knock on the office door. **

George: Which was very polite seeing as how the next second was a blur of stampeding hippogriffs bursting into the room having torn the door from its hinges.

"**Enter," said the old wizard in a feeble voice. **

**A boy of about sixteen entered, taking off his pointed hat. A silver prefect's badge was glinting on his chest. He was much taller than Harry, but he, too, had jet-black hair. **

Ginny: Popular hair colour.

Horace: Almost as popular as red.

Ron: To be fair, that's mainly because there are a lot of Weasleys in this book.

"**Ah, Riddle," said the Headmaster.**

Hermione: When is a raven like a writing desk?

George: That was a terrible joke.

"**You wanted to see me, Professor Dippet?" said Riddle. He looked nervous. **

Minerva: That would be a first; he always endeavoured to keep up that cocky veneer.

"**Sit down," said Dippet. "I've just been reading the letter you sent me." **

Michael: Didn't have the guts to say it out loud, I suppose.

"**Oh," said Riddle. He sat down, gripping his hands together very tightly. **

"**My dear boy," said Dippet kindly, "I cannot possibly let you stay at school over the summer. Surely you want to go home for the holidays?" **

Hermione: But would anyone want him there?

"**No," said Riddle at once. "I'd much rather stay at Hogwarts than go back to that — to that —" **

Harry: Reminds me of what I felt when I had to leave for the summer. I always find it weird when I see similarities like this.

Neville: Yeah. This and the hair thing too. Kinda spooky.

"**You live in a Muggle orphanage during the holidays, I believe?" said Dippet curiously. **

Horace: Nosy bugger.

"**Yes, sir," said Riddle, reddening slightly. **

"**You are Muggle-born?" **

"**Half-blood, sir," said Riddle. **

"**Muggle father, witch mother." **

Minerva: Yet he went around persecuting Muggles.

"**And are both your parents —?" **

"**My mother died just after I was born, sir. They told me at the orphanage she lived just long enough to name me — Tom after my father, Marvolo after my grandfather." **

George: Catchy name.

**Dippet clucked his tongue sympathetically. **

"**The thing is, Tom," he sighed, "Special arrangements might have been made for you, but in the current circumstances…" **

Ginny: What with the murderous beasts roaming the castle and all…

"**You mean all these attacks, sir?" said Riddle, and Harry's heart leapt, and he moved closer, scared of missing anything. **

"**Precisely," said the headmaster. "My dear boy, you must see how foolish it would be of me to allow you to remain at the castle when term ends. Particularly in light of the recent tragedy… the death of that poor little girl… You will be safer by far at your orphanage. **

Harry: But the other children that lived there weren't.

**As a matter of fact, the Ministry of Magic is even now talking about closing the school. We are no nearer locating the — er — source of all this unpleasantness…" **

Michael: Unpleasantness? Well, that's one way of putting it.

**Riddle's eyes had widened. **

"**Sir — if the person was caught — if it all stopped —" **

Hermione: And Professor Dippet didn't see through this?

"**What do you mean?" said Dippet with a squeak in his voice, sitting up in his chair. "Riddle, do you mean you know something about these attacks?" **

Michael: Like he's going to own up to that.

"**No, sir," said Riddle quickly. **

Ron: Lying git.

**But Harry was sure it was the same sort of "no" that he himself had given Dumbledore. **

Harry: I wish Ms. Rowling would stop bringing up the similarities. It's disturbing.

**Dippet sank back, looking faintly disappointed. **

"**You may go, Tom…" **

**Riddle slid off his chair and slouched out of the room. Harry followed him. **

George: Introducing Harry Potter, spy extraordinaire.

**Down the moving spiral staircase they went, emerging next to the gargoyle in the darkening corridor. Riddle stopped, and so did Harry, watching him. Harry could tell that Riddle was doing some serious thinking. He was biting his lip, his forehead furrowed. **

**Then, as though he had suddenly reached a decision, he hurried off, Harry gliding noiselessly behind him. They didn't see another person until they reached the entrance hall, when a tall wizard with long, sweeping auburn hair and a beard called to Riddle from the marble staircase. **

Horace: I will never understand that man's fascination with facial hair.

"**What are you doing, wandering around this late, Tom?" **

George: "Looking for my copy of Playwizard, sir. That idiot McGonagall stole it."

Michael: Oi!

**Harry gaped at the wizard. He was none other than a fifty-year-younger Dumbledore. **

Harry: Weirdest thing I had seen in a while.

Neville: You got plucked from a dull Muggle existence and dropped into a magical world and that was the weirdest thing you saw?

Harry: You have a point.

"**I had to see the headmaster, sir," said Riddle. **

"**Well, hurry off to bed," said Dumbledore, giving Riddle exactly the kind of penetrating stare Harry knew so well.**

Horace: Damn Dumbledore and those blasted eyes.

"**Best not to roam the corridors these days. Not since…"**

George: Was it impossible for people to finish sentences fifty years ago?

**He sighed heavily, bade Riddle good night, and strode off. Riddle watched him walk out of sight and then, moving quickly, headed straight down the stone steps to the dungeons, with Harry in hot pursuit. But to Harry's disappointment, Riddle led him not into a hidden passageway or a secret tunnel but to the very dungeon in which Harry had Potions with Snape. **

Horace: WOOOOOOO! YEAH! DUNGEONS!

**The torches hadn't been lit, and when Riddle pushed the door almost closed, Harry could only just see him, standing stock-still by the door, watching the passage outside.**

Harry: Tom Riddle, master spy.

George: No, Harry, _you're _the spy!

**It felt to Harry that they were there for at least an hour. All he could see was the figure of Riddle at the door, staring through the crack, waiting like a statue. And just when Harry had stopped feeling expectant and tense and started wishing he could return to the present, he heard something move beyond the door.**

Neville: He does seem like a teenage girl, what with the diary and the penchants for gossip and stalking people.

**Someone was creeping along the passage. He heard whoever it was pass the dungeon where he and Riddle were hidden. Riddle, quiet as a shadow, edged through the door and followed, Harry tiptoeing behind him, forgetting that he couldn't be heard.**

Hermione: Well done.

**For perhaps five minutes they followed the footsteps, until Riddle stopped suddenly, his head inclined in the direction of new noises. Harry heard a door creak open, and then someone speaking in a hoarse whisper. **

George: Neigh. Neigh. Neigh.

Luna: I don't think it's supposed to be that kind of horse.

"**C'mon… gotta get yeh outta here… C'mon now… in the box…" **

Neville: But no matter how hard he tried, he just could not get Jack back in the box.

Ron: Ahaha. That's quite a good one.

**There was something familiar about that voice… **

Horace: Urgh, there always is.

**Riddle suddenly jumped around the corner. Harry stepped out behind him. He could see the dark outline of a huge boy who was crouching in front of an open door, a very large box next to it. **

Hermione: His name was Dracula and he preferred to sleep in the box at night.

"**Evening, Rubeus," said Riddle sharply. **

Neville: As in Hagrid?

Harry: The one and only.

**The boy slammed the door shut and stood up. **

Ron: Subtle.

"**What yer doin' down here, Tom?" **

Michael: Making trouble.

**Riddle stepped closer. **

(Minerva shivers).

"**It's all over," he said. "I'm going to have to turn you in, Rubeus. They're talking about closing Hogwarts if the attacks don't stop." **

Luna: So he was doing this just so that he could stay at Hogwarts during the summer?

Minerva: I think that was one reason for it, yes.

"'**N at d'yeh —" **

Horace: I have no idea what he just said.

"**I don't think you meant to kill anyone. But monsters don't make good pets. **

Luna: That really depends on your definition of 'monsters'.

Harry: Big, hairy creatures that cause a lot of harm to things around them.

George: By that definition, Hagrid's a monster.

**I suppose you just let it out for exercise and —" **

(Ron shudders).

"**It never killed no one!" **

Horace: Double negative. He did it.

Minerva: Why are you so tetchy today?

Horace: Says you, Mrs. Fifty Points From Slytherin For No Good Reason.

Minerva: Oh, Horace, you must be PMSing. Have some chocolate and it will all feel better.

Harry: You sound like Remus.

**said the large boy, backing against the closed door. From behind him, Harry could hear a funny rustling and clicking. **

Ginny: There stood Colin Creevey struggling to pull out a camera.

"**Come on, Rubeus," said Riddle, moving yet closer. "The dead girl's parents will be here tomorrow. The least Hogwarts can do is make sure that the thing that killed their daughter is slaughtered…" **

Ginny: I never did like hearing of the death penalty.

"**It wasn't him!" roared the boy, his voice echoing in the dark passage. "He wouldn'! He never!" **

"**Stand aside," said Riddle, drawing out his wand. **

**His spell lit the corridor with a sudden flaming light. The door behind the large boy flew open with such force it knocked him into the wall opposite. And out of it came something that made Harry let out a long, piercing scream unheard by anyone. **

Ron: Because out here… no one can hear you scream. Bwah ha ha ha ha!

**A vast, low-slung, hairy body and a tangle of black legs; a gleam of many eyes and a pair of razor-sharp pincers — **

Ron: Eurgh.

**Riddle raised his wand again, but he was too late. The thing bowled him over as it scuttled away, tearing up the corridor and out of sight. Riddle scrambled to his feet, looking after it; he raised his wand, but the huge boy leapt on him, seized his wand, and threw him back down, yelling, "NOOOOOO!" **

George: Melodrama!

**The scene whirled, the darkness became complete; Harry felt himself falling and, with a crash, he landed spread-eagled on his four-poster in the Gryffindor dormitory, Riddle's diary lying open on his stomach. **

Harry: It was quite surreal, like dreaming.

**Before he had had time to regain his breath, the dormitory door opened and Ron came in. **

"**There you are," he said. **

**Harry sat up. He was sweating and shaking. **

Ginny: Naughty boy.

"**What's up?" said Ron, looking at him with concern. **

"**It was Hagrid, Ron. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago." **

George: Oooh, cliffhanger.

Ron: I'm starving, can we get some food in here.

Hermione: Ronald!

* * *

_A/N: This chapter just did not want to be written. Also, I have no idea where all of those spy references came from…_


	14. Bromance and Poker Games

_A/N: I finally got back around to this story between work and school, so I hope you enjoy this chapter._

* * *

_With dinner over and bellies stuffed, the motley crew don their pyjamas and, in some cases, absurdly fluffy dressing gowns and settle around the table for their final chapter before bed._

Ron: I'll read!

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione had always known that Hagrid had an unfortunate liking for large and monstrous creatures. **

Ron: You aren't kidding there.

**During their first year at Hogwarts he had tried to raise a dragon in his little wooden house, **

Minerva: The very idea! It breathes fire and his house is made of wood!

**and it would be a long time before they forgot the giant, three-headed dog he'd christened "Fluffy." **

George: Sounds like what Umbridge would name one of her cats.

Minerva: Believe it or not, she's allergic to cats.

**And if, as a boy, Hagrid had heard that a monster was hidden somewhere in the castle, Harry was sure he'd have gone to any lengths for a glimpse of it. **

Horace: I think he would still do that now.

**He'd probably thought it was a shame that the monster had been cooped up so long, and thought it deserved the chance to stretch its many legs; **

Michael: Imagine a monster on holiday. Like, on a beach, just lounging around in a bikini.

Horace: I shouldn't think you need to imagine; you holiday with Minerva.

**Harry could just imagine the thirteen-year-old Hagrid trying to fit a leash and collar on it. **

Ginny: What an imagination.

Harry: Is that a bad thing?

Ginny: No. I love it. (She kisses him softly).

Michael (to Minerva): Awww, remember when we were that age?

Horace: You were both horrors.

Minerva: Why, thank you.

Neville: I can just see you as the rebel of the school.

**But he was equally certain that Hagrid would never have meant to kill anybody. **

Ron: He just has a fetish for massive, hairy things that are difficult to get hold of.

Hermione: Erm… you may want to rephrase that, Ron.

Ron: Why? I don't… oh…

**Harry half wished he hadn't found out how to work Riddle's diary. Again and again Ron and Hermione made him recount what he'd seen, until he was heartily sick of telling them and sick of the long, circular conversations that followed. **

Hermione: Sorry, Harry.

Ron: Yeah, sorry mate.

"**Riddle **_**might **_**have got the wrong person," said Hermione. "Maybe it was some other monster that was attacking people…" **

"**How many monsters d'you think this place can hold?" Ron asked dully. **

Michael: You would be surprised.

"**We always knew Hagrid had been expelled," said Harry miserably. "And the attacks must've stopped after Hagrid was kicked out. Otherwise, Riddle wouldn't have got his award." **

Luna: He didn't deserve it. He was rotten.

George: I would like to replace that adjective with something far more inappropriate and yet very, very appropriate, if you know what I mean.

**Ron tried a different tack. **

"**Riddle **_**does **_**sound like Percy — who asked him to squeal on Hagrid, anyway?" **

"**But the monster had **_**killed **_**someone, Ron," said Hermione. **

Neville: She does have a point.

"**And Riddle was going to go back to some Muggle orphanage if they closed Hogwarts," said Harry. "I don't blame him for wanting to stay here…" **

Harry: These similarities are getting to be a little innerving. (Ginny grips his hand with an encouraging smile).

"**You met Hagrid down Knockturn Alley, didn't you, Harry?" **

Neville: Ooh, not good.

"**He was buying a Flesh-Eating Slug Repellent," said Harry quickly. **

Horace: Oh dear. Not looking good for Hagrid, is it?

**The three of them fell silent. After a long pause, Hermione voiced the knottiest question of all in a hesitant voice. **

George: 'Does my bum look big in these robes?'

"**Do you think we should go and **_**ask **_**Hagrid about it all?" **

Ginny: Are you mad?

"**That'd be a cheerful visit," said Ron. "'Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?'" **

Hermione: My husband, everybody! Most subtle man in the cosmos.

Ron: You're the one who wanted to go straight to Hagrid and ask him about it.

Neville: Touché.

**In the end, they decided that they would not say anything to Hagrid unless there was another attack, and as more and more days went by with no whisper from the disembodied voice, they became hopeful that they would never need to talk to him about why he had been expelled. **

Harry: Hope never really worked for me, though.

**It was now nearly four months since Justin and Nearly Headless Nick had been Petrified, and nearly everybody seemed to think that the attacker, whoever it was, had retired for good. **

Horace: NO! They always strike when you least expect it.

**Peeves had finally got bored of his "Oh, Potter, you rotter" song, **

George: Oh, what a shame. I did so enjoy that song. In fact, I fancy a little rendition now_. Oh, Potter, you rotter, oh, what have you done? You're killing off students, you think it's good fun._

Harry: Please stop.

**Ernie Macmillan asked Harry quite politely to pass a bucket of leaping toadstools in Herbology one day, **

Ginny: It was the best day of his life.

Harry: No, marrying you was the best day of my life.

(As they kiss, the sound of George and Horace making urging noises reverberates through the room).

**and in March several of the Mandrakes threw a loud and raucous party in greenhouse three. This made Professor Sprout very happy. **

Minerva: She would be. Try cleaning up after a Gryffindor House party.

Horace: But the elves do the cleaning.

Minerva: Metaphorically, Horace, metaphorically!

"**The moment they start trying to move into each other's pots, we'll know they're fully mature," she told Harry. **

(Ginny spits out the mouthful of pumpkin juice she had just taken from her goblet).

Ginny: Is she talking about the mandrakes wanting to… do it?

Michael: I fear so.

Horace: This, coming from you, the man who has thus far spent his entire time here flirting with his wife.

Michael: There is no need to be jealous, Horace.

Horace: Why on earth would I be jealous of you?

Michael: Are you joking? Have you seen my wife?

Ron: Please can we change the subject?

George: Well said, little brother.

Michael: Sorry, we are one of those smug married couples that likes to parade the fact that they are perfect in every way in front of everyone. We also like to give out relationship advice.

Minerva: I think, after all these years, we may be qualified to do that.

Horace: I wouldn't count on it.

**"Then we'll be able to revive those poor people in the hospital wing." **

Luna: About time!

**The second years were given something new to think about during their Easter holidays. The time had come to choose their subjects for the third year,**

(Neville groans audibly).

**a matter that Hermione, at least, took very seriously. **

"… **it could affect our whole future," **

Hermione: Well it could! And it did!

**she told Harry and Ron as they pored over lists of new subjects, marking them with checks. **

"**I just want to give up Potions," said Harry. **

"**We can't," said Ron gloomily. "We keep all our old subjects, or I'd've ditched Defense Against the Dark Arts." **

Ron: Thank Merlin I didn't.

"**But that's very important!" said Hermione, shocked. **

"**Not the way Lockhart teaches it," said Ron. "I haven't learned anything from him except not to set pixies loose." **

Neville: A very valuable lesson. Especially if you have chandeliers in your room.

**Neville Longbottom **

George: WOOO!

Neville: Aw, shucks.

**had been sent letters from all the witches and wizards in his family, all giving him different advice on what to choose. **

Neville: And people wonder why I couldn't make up my mind.

**Confused and worried, he sat reading the subject lists with his tongue poking out, asking people whether they thought Arithmancy sounded more difficult than the study of Ancient Runes. **

Ginny: I think Ron was rubbing off on you, Neville.

George: Ginny, that is disgusting!

Ginny: Oh, you have such a dirty mind, George.

**Dean Thomas, who, like Harry, had grown up with Muggles, ended up closing his eyes and jabbing his wand at the list, then picking the subjects it landed on. Hermione took nobody's advice but signed up for everything.**

Ron: We get it. We know you're absolutely perfect and brilliant and intelligent. You don't have to rub our faces in it.

Hermione: I don't know whether to be flattered or angry…

**Harry smiled grimly to himself at the thought of what Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia would say if he tried to discuss his career in wizardry with them. **

Harry: I think they would have physically exploded.

Neville: With any luck.

**Not that he didn't get any guidance: Percy Weasley was eager to share his experience. **

George: Oh, here we go.

"**Depends where you want to go, Harry," he said. "It's never too early to think about the future, so I'd recommend Divination. **

Minerva: And here I was thinking he was sensible.

**People say Muggle Studies is a soft option, but I personally think wizards should have a thorough understanding of the non-magical community, particularly if they're thinking of working in close contact with them — **

Hermione: Don't say it like Muggles are diseases!

**look at my father, he has to deal with Muggle business all the time. My brother Charlie was always more of an outdoor type, so he went for Care of Magical Creatures. Play to your strengths, Harry." **

Harry: What strengths?

Michael: Oh, don't be so modest, Harry.

**But the only thing Harry felt he was really good at was Quidditch. In the end, he chose the same new subjects as Ron, **

Ginny: I swear you two are stuck together at the hip.

**feeling that if he was rubbish at them, at least he'd have someone friendly to help him. **

Ron: Best buddies for life!

**Gryffindor's next Quidditch match would be against Hufflepuff. Wood was insisting on team practices every night after dinner, **

George: Obsessed does not even begin to cut it.

**so that Harry barely had time for anything but Quidditch and homework. **

**However, the training sessions were getting better, or at least drier, **

Michael: Which equates to the same thing when it comes to Quidditch.

**and the evening before Saturday's match he went up to his dormitory to drop off his broomstick feeling Gryffindor's chances for the Quidditch cup had never been better. But his cheerful mood didn't last long. **

Harry: It never does.

**At the top of the stairs to the dormitory, he met Neville Longbottom, who was looking frantic. **

"**Harry — I don't know who did it — I just found —" **

Neville: Merlin, I did sound guilty, didn't I?

**Watching Harry fearfully, Neville pushed open the door. **

**The contents of Harry's trunk had been thrown everywhere. His cloak lay ripped on the floor. **

George: It was the fashion police! They were offended by the school's dress code.

Minerva: I would like to see you do a better job. Actually, on second thoughts –

George: Challenge accepted!

Hermione: Oh dear.

**The bedclothes had been pulled off his four-poster and the drawer had been pulled out of his bedside cabinet, the contents strewn over the mattress. Harry walked over to the bed, open-mouthed, treading on a few loose pages of **_**Travels with Trolls**_**. **

Harry: No great loss there.

**As he and Neville pulled the blankets back onto his bed, Ron, Dean, and Seamus came in. Dean swore loudly. **

Hermione: Excuse you.

"**What happened, Harry?" **

Ginny: Yeah, what happened with your life? Look at your life, look at your choices!

Harry: I don't think that's… _quite_ what he meant, honey.

"**No idea," said Harry. But Ron was examining Harry's robes. All the pockets were hanging out. **

"**Someone's been looking for something," said Ron. **

Ginny: A round of applause for Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

"**Is there anything missing?" **

**Harry started to pick up all his things and throw them into his trunk. It was only as he threw the last of the Lockhart books back into it that he realized what wasn't there. **

Minerva: A sense of order?

Harry: Twelve-year-old boys don't tend to think of that sort of thing.

Minerva: Well, I wouldn't know, I never was one.

Horace: At least, that's what she tells everybody.

"**Riddle's diary's gone," he said in an undertone to Ron. **

"_**What?**_**"**

George (shouting): HE SAID "RIDDLE'S DIARY'S GONE!"

**Harry jerked his head toward the dormitory door and Ron followed him out. They hurried down to the Gryffindor common room, which was half-empty, and joined Hermione, who was sitting alone, reading a book called **_**Ancient Runes Made Easy**_**. **

Michael: Is there a way to make Ancient Runes easy?

**Hermione looked aghast at **

Ginny: Ron's face.

Ron: Oi!

**the news. **

"**But — only a Gryffindor could have stolen — nobody else knows our password —" **

"**Exactly," said Harry. **

George: It really is amateur detective hour, isn't it?

**They woke the next day to brilliant sunshine and a light, refreshing breeze. **

Horace: Bloody hell! It's a miracle.

"**Perfect Quidditch conditions!" said Wood enthusiastically at the Gryffindor table, loading the team's plates with scrambled eggs. "Harry, buck up there, you need a decent breakfast." **

Hermione: I know you said Oliver was pushy, but my goodness…

**Harry had been staring down the packed Gryffindor table, wondering if the new owner of Riddle's diary was right in front of his eyes. **

George: Maybe it was his best friend, maybe it was that girl he only spoke to once, or maybe – just maybe – it was that guy who was holding the massive sign that said: _I stole the diary_.

**Hermione had been urging him to report the robbery, but Harry didn't like the idea. He'd have to tell a teacher all about the diary, and how many people knew why Hagrid had been expelled fifty years ago? **

Horace: Oh, it's common knowledge.

**He didn't want to be the one who brought it all up again. **

Luna: How kind of you, Harry.

Harry: It has been known to happen.

**As he left the Great Hall with Ron and Hermione to go and collect his Quidditch things, another very serious worry was added to Harry's growing list. **

**He had just set foot on the marble staircase when he heard it yet again. **

"_**Kill this time… let me rip… tear…" **_

George (imitating the voice): Mmmm… CHICKEN!

**He shouted aloud and Ron and Hermione both jumped away from him in alarm. **

"**The voice!" said Harry, looking over his shoulder. "I just heard it again — didn't you?" **

Neville: I think you knew the answer to that one.

George: I think you were going mad.

**Ron shook his head, wide-eyed. Hermione, however, clapped a hand to her forehead. **

"**Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!" **

Minerva: Mon dieu, how could I have missed it, Hastings?

Michael: What was that supposed to be?

Minerva: Poirot.

Michael: Oh, you're so cute when you try.

Minerva: I can't do impressions, okay?

**And she sprinted away, up the stairs.**

"**What does she understand?" said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from. **

"**Loads more than I do," said Ron, shaking his head. **

Hermione (squeezing his hand): Aww.

Ron: Well, it's true.

"**But why's she got to go to the library?" **

"**Because that's what Hermione does," said Ron, shrugging. "When in doubt, go to the library." **

Hermione: I think I shall use that as my motto from now on.

**Harry stood, irresolute, trying to catch the voice again, but people were now emerging from the Great Hall behind him, talking loudly, exiting through the front doors on their way to the Quidditch pitch. **

Neville: I never understood the attraction of Quidditch.

(Ginny, Harry, George, Ron, Michael and Minerva all stare at him, aghast).

"**You'd better get moving," said Ron. "It's nearly eleven — the match —" **

**Harry raced up to Gryffindor Tower, collected his Nimbus Two Thousand, and joined the large crowd swarming across the grounds, but his mind was still in the castle along with the bodiless voice,**

Luna: That's an eerie way to put it.

**and as he pulled on his scarlet robes in the changing room, his only comfort was that everyone was now outside to watch the game. **

Neville: Yes, comforting.

**The teams walked onto the field to tumultuous applause. Oliver Wood took off for a warm-up flight around the goal posts; Madam Hooch released the balls. The Hufflepuffs, who played in canary yellow, were standing in a huddle, having a last-minute discussion of tactics. **

**Harry was just mounting his broom when Professor McGonagall came half marching, half running **

Horace: Tell me, how does one come across a gait that is halfway between marching and running?

George: By being a badass.

Minerva: Thank you. I think.

**across the pitch, carrying an enormous purple megaphone. **

Minerva: Not my choice of colour, I must say.

Neville: Dumbledore?

Minerva: Who else?

**Harry's heart dropped like a stone. **

Minerva: Why does that happen every time I enter the scene?

Horace: Because –

Minerva: Rhetorical question, Horace.

"**This match has been cancelled," Professor McGonagall called through the megaphone, addressing the packed stadium. There were boos and shouts. **

Horace: That's just their general reaction to Minerva.

**Oliver Wood, looking devastated, landed and ran toward Professor McGonagall without getting off his broomstick. **

Ginny: Now there's a talent.

"**But, Professor!" he shouted. "We've got to play — the cup —**_**Gryffindor **_**—" **

Minerva: As much as that motivates me, student safety comes first.

**Professor McGonagall ignored him and continued to shout through her megaphone: **

"**All students are to make their way back to the House common rooms, where their Heads of Houses will give them further information. As quickly as you can, please!" **

**Then she lowered the megaphone and beckoned Harry over to her. **

Michael: Uh oh. She does that to me when I've done something wrong.

"**Potter, I think you'd better come with me…" **

George: That's what she said.

**Wondering how she could possibly suspect him this time, **

Minerva: What faith you have in me!

Harry: Well, you didn't exactly look like you were going to sit me down, offer me a cup of tea and a biscuit!

**Harry saw Ron detach himself from the complaining crowd; he came running up to them as they set off towards the castle. To Harry's surprise, Professor McGonagall didn't object. **

Horace: The Ice Queen has thawed!

"**Yes, perhaps you'd better come, too, Weasley…" **

Ron: Never a good sign.

**Some of the students swarming around them were grumbling about the match being cancelled; others looked worried. **

**Harry and Ron followed Professor McGonagall back into the school and up the marble staircase. But they weren't taken to anybody's office this time. **

Harry: Makes a change.

"**This will be a bit of a shock," said Professor McGonagall in a surprisingly gentle voice as they approached the infirmary. **

Minerva: Surprisingly?

Michael: You're not exactly a bunny rabbit in the classroom, are you? Or the bedroom, come to think of it.

Horace: Stop that this second!

Michael (muttering): Jealous.

"**There has been another attack… another **_**double **_**attack." **

George: Nice dramatic pause there, Minnie.

**Harry's insides did a horrible somersault. **

Luna: What talented insides you have, Harry.

**Professor McGonagall pushed the door open and he and Ron entered.**

**Madam Pomfrey was bending over a fifth-year girl with long, curly hair. Harry recognized her as the Ravenclaw they'd accidentally asked for directions to the Slytherin common room. **

Hermione: I still can't believe you did that.

**And on the bed next to her was — **

"_**Hermione**_**!" Ron groaned. **

Hermione: Ow, Ron. Can you stop squeezing my hand, please?

Ron: Sorry.

**Hermione lay utterly still, her eyes open and glassy. **

"**They were found near the library," **

Ron (through barely-held-back tears): Trust you.

**said Professor McGonagall. "I don't suppose either of you can explain this? **

Ginny: Well, they're always in the library, Professor.

**It was on the floor next to them…"** **She was holding up a small, circular mirror. **

George: She was doing her makeup?

Hermione: Me? Oh, please.

**Harry and Ron shook their heads, both staring at Hermione. **

"**I will escort you back to Gryffindor Tower," said Professor McGonagall heavily. "I need to address the students in any case." **

Horace: Ooh, look at you multi-tasking.

"**All students will return to their House common rooms by six o'clock in the evening. No student is to leave the dormitories after that time. **

Neville: Well, that's no fun.

**You will be escorted to each lesson by a teacher. No student is to use the bathroom unaccompanied by a teacher. **

Horace: That's a bit… odd.

**All further Quidditch training and matches are to be postponed. **

Ginny: I can almost hear Oliver Wood's shout of "NOOOOOOO" being carried gently on the breeze to us.

**There will be no more evening activities." **

Michael: Ahem.

**The Gryffindors packed inside the common room listened to Professor McGonagall in silence. She rolled up the parchment from which she had been reading and said in a somewhat choked voice, "I need hardly add that I have rarely been so distressed. **

George: Poor Minnie.

Minerva: Don't make me hurt you.

**It is likely that the school will be closed unless the culprit behind these attacks is caught. I would urge anyone who thinks they might know anything about them to come forward." **

**She climbed somewhat awkwardly out of the portrait hole, **

Minerva: I'll have you know that I am never awkward. I am graceful!

Horace: Potions classroom, last Thursday.

Minerva: That was an accidental trip! Somebody put an asphodel root in my way!

Horace: Give over, there was nothing there.

**and the Gryffindors began talking immediately.**

Ginny: Could you expect any less?

"**That's two Gryffindors down, not counting a Gryffindor ghost, one Ravenclaw, and one Hufflepuff, "said the Weasley twins' friend Lee Jordan, counting on his fingers. "Haven't any of the teachers noticed that the Slytherins are all safe? **

Luna: Well, it did say 'the heir of Slytherin'.

**Isn't it **_**obvious**_** all this stuff's coming from Slytherin? The **_**Heir**_** of Slytherin, the **_**monster**_** of Slytherin — why don't they just chuck all the Slytherins out?" he roared, **

Hermione: Appropriate reference to the Gryffindor mascot.

**to nods and scattered applause. **

Horace: Why do you all hate Slytherins?

Ginny: We don't _all _hate _every _Slytherin.

Michael: Just you and the Malfoys.

**Percy Weasley was sitting in a chair behind Lee, but for once he didn't seem keen to make his views heard. He was looking pale and stunned. **

"**Percy's in shock," **

Ginny: Percy gets shocked if someone moves a quill on his desk.

**George told Harry quietly. "That Ravenclaw girl — Penelope Clearwater — she's a prefect. I don't think he thought the monster would dare attack a **_**prefect**_**." **

Neville: They don't tend to differentiate.

**But Harry was only half-listening. He didn't seem to be able to get rid of the picture of Hermione, lying on the hospital bed as though carved out of stone. **

Harry: It was horrible…

**And if the culprit wasn't caught soon, he was looking at a lifetime back with the Dursleys. **

Ron: Mum probably would have adopted you, knowing her!

Harry: Aww, that's sweet.

George: She loves you more than she loves us.

Michael: Now, I'm sure that's not true – no offence, Harry. I'm sure, just like any mother, that she loves all of her children equally.

Minerva: Oh, you don't believe that, do you?

Michael: Wait… then who's your favourite?

Minerva: I refuse to answer that question.

**Tom Riddle had turned Hagrid in because he was faced with the prospect of a Muggle orphanage if the school closed. Harry now knew exactly how he had felt. **

Luna: You two did have some remarkable similarities.

Harry: There's a scary thought.

"**What're we going to do?" said Ron quietly in Harry's ear. "D'you think they suspect Hagrid?" **

Minerva: Pretty much everybody was suspected at this point.

"**We've got to go and talk to him," said Harry, making up his mind. "I can't believe it's him this time, but if he set the monster loose last time he'll know how to get inside the Chamber of Secrets, and that's a start." **

"**But McGonagall said we've got to stay in our tower unless we're in class —" **

Horace: Since when did you lot actually start listening to Minerva?

"**I think," said Harry, more quietly still, "it's time to get my dad's old cloak out again." **

Minerva: Oh, Lord.

**Harry had inherited just one thing from his father: a long and silvery Invisibility Cloak. **

Minerva: And an unquenchable thirst for mischief.

**It was their only chance of sneaking out of the school to visit Hagrid without anyone knowing about it.**

Horace: We know about it know.

**They went to bed at the usual time, waited until Neville, Dean, and Seamus had stopped discussing the Chamber of Secrets and finally fallen asleep, then got up, dressed again, and threw the cloak over themselves. **

**The journey through the dark and deserted castle corridors wasn't enjoyable.**

Ron: You're telling me! I can still feel the goosebumps.

**Harry, who had wandered the castle at night several times before, **

Michael: Naughty boy.

**had never seen it so crowded after sunset. Teachers, prefects, and ghosts were marching the corridors in pairs, staring around for any unusual activity. **

George: Ghosts? How do ghosts work as defence?

**Their Invisibility Cloak didn't stop them making any noise, and there was a particularly tense moment when Ron stubbed his toe only yards from the spot where Snape stood standing guard. Thankfully, Snape sneezed at almost exactly the moment Ron swore. **

Neville: You didn't happen to take any felix felicis before this, did you?

George: I think the main question here is: _Snape can sneeze_? I thought he was bereft of all minor bodily functions?

**It was with relief that they reached the oak front doors and eased them open.**

**It was a clear, starry night. They hurried towards the lit windows of Hagrid's house and pulled off the cloak only when they were right outside his front door.** **Seconds after they had knocked, Hagrid flung it open. They found themselves face-to-face with him aiming a crossbow at them. **

Luna: Lovely greeting.

**Fang the boarhound barked loudly behind him. **

"**Oh," he said, lowering the weapon and staring at them. "What're you two doin' here?" **

Harry: Charming, as usual.

"**What's that for?" said Harry, pointing at the crossbow as they stepped inside. **

Ron: For fishing, what do you think?

"**Nothin' — nothin' —" Hagrid muttered. "I've bin expectin' — **

George: A baby?

**doesn' matter — Sit down — I'll make tea —" **

Neville: How very British.

**He hardly seemed to know what he was doing. He nearly extinguished the fire, spilling water from the kettle on it, and then smashed the teapot with a nervous jerk of his massive hand. **

Luna: That's a bit rude.

"**Are you okay, Hagrid?" said Harry. "Did you hear about Hermione?" **

"**Oh, I heard, all righ'," said Hagrid, a slight break in his voice.**

**He kept glancing nervously at the windows. **

Minerva: This is why he is terrible at poker.

George: Wait, you lot play poker together?

Minerva: All. The. Time. What else can we do with our free time that doesn't involve lesson planning or marking?

George: Oh, how about ANYTHING? You are wizards, you could do pretty much anything.

Ginny: Yeah, but I would pay to see one of those poker games.

**He poured them both large mugs of boiling water (he had forgotten to add tea bags) and was just putting a slab of fruitcake on a plate when there was a loud knock on the door. **

**Hagrid dropped the fruitcake. **

Ron: And a hole appeared in the floor.

**Harry and Ron exchanged panic-stricken looks, then threw the Invisibility Cloak back over themselves and retreated into a corner. Hagrid checked that they were hidden, seized his crossbow, and flung open his door once more.**

"**Good evening, Hagrid."**

**It was Dumbledore. **

Luna: Oh, there's a pleasant surprise.

**He entered, looking deadly serious, **

Harry: That is never good.

**and was followed by a second, very odd-looking man. **

Horace: That's a description of pretty much every wizard in Britain.

Michael: I beg to differ.

**The stranger had rumpled grey hair and an anxious expression, and was wearing a strange mixture of clothes: a pinstriped suit, a scarlet tie, a long black cloak, and pointed purple boots. **

Horace: Ah, we finally solve the mystery of where Dumbledore found his ridiculous fashion sense.

**Under his arm he carried a lime-green bowler.**

"**That's Dad's boss!" Ron breathed. "Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic!" **

Minerva: Also known as: The Idiot of the Century.

**Harry elbowed Ron hard to make him shut up. **

Harry: Sorry, mate.

**Hagrid had gone pale and sweaty. He dropped into one of his chairs and looked from Dumbledore to Cornelius Fudge. **

"**Bad business, Hagrid," said Fudge in rather clipped tones. "Very bad business. Had to come. **

Minerva: His tones were so clipped, in fact, that he had completely cut off his pronouns.

**Four attacks on Muggle-borns. Things've gone far enough. Ministry's got to act." **

Minerva: And his articles, as well. This man ran the wizarding community of our nation!

"**I never," said Hagrid, looking imploringly at Dumbledore. "You know I never, Professor Dumbledore, sir —" **

Neville: Poor Hagrid.

"**I want it understood, Cornelius, that Hagrid has my full confidence," said Dumbledore, frowning at Fudge. **

Horace: Not that that counted for much then.

"**Look, Albus," said Fudge, uncomfortably. "Hagrid's record's against him. Ministry's got to do something — the school governors have been in touch —" **

Michael: Oh, here we go again!

"**Yet again, Cornelius, I tell you that taking Hagrid away will not help in the slightest," said Dumbledore. His blue eyes were full of a fire Harry had never seen before. **

Minerva: It's a dangerous thing.

"**Look at it from my point of view," said Fudge, fidgeting with his bowler. "I'm under a lot of pressure. Got to be seen to be doing something. **

Minerva: Why? You've not done much before now.

**If it turns out it wasn't Hagrid, he'll be back and no more said. But I've got to take him. Got to. Wouldn't be doing my duty —" **

Michael: Duty? The man wouldn't know duty from his own backside.

"**Take me?" said Hagrid, who was trembling. "Take me where?" **

"**For a short stretch only," said Fudge, not meeting Hagrid's eyes. "Not a punishment, Hagrid, more a precaution. If someone else is caught, you'll be let out with a full apology —" **

"**Not Azkaban?" croaked Hagrid. **

Luna: I can't imagine Hagrid in Azkaban.

**Before Fudge could answer, there was another loud rap on the door. **

Horace: Oh, for crying out loud.

**Dumbledore answered it. It was Harry's turn for an elbow in the ribs; he'd let out an audible gasp. **

Ron: Well done.

Harry: Says you, with your massive feet!

Ron: I can't help it!

Harry: Neither could I!

**Mr. Lucius Malfoy strode into Hagrid's hut, swathed in a long black travelling cloak, smiling a cold and satisfied smile. **

Ron: Greasy bas-

Ginny: That's enough, Ron.

**Fang started to growl. **

Harry: I would have too.

"**Already here, Fudge," he said approvingly. "Good, good…" **

"**What're you doin' here?" said Hagrid furiously. "Get outta my house!" **

"**My dear man, please believe me, I have no pleasure at all in being inside your — er — do you call this a house?" said Lucius Malfoy, sneering as he looked around the small cabin. **

Ron: Pri-

Hermione: Please stop swearing.

"**I simply called at the school and was told that the headmaster was here." **

Minerva: It wasn't me, I swear. I would have told him to shove it up his ar-

Hermione: We get the picture.

"**And what exactly did you want with me, Lucius?" said Dumbledore. He spoke politely, but the fire was still blazing in his blue eyes. **

Michael: Really dangerous.

"**Dreadful thing, Dumbledore," said Malfoy lazily, taking out a long roll of parchment, "but the governors feel it's time for you to step aside. This is an Order of Suspension — you'll find all twelve signatures on it. **

Minerva: Pressured into it, no doubt.

**I'm afraid we feel you're losing your touch. **

Ginny: Idiots.

**How many attacks have there been now? Two more this afternoon, wasn't it? At this rate, there'll be no Muggle-borns left at Hogwarts, and we all know what an awful loss that would be to the school." **

Luna: That sounds like sarcasm.

"**Oh, now, see here, Lucius," said Fudge, looking alarmed, "Dumbledore suspended — no, no — last thing we want just now." **

Minerva: Oh, shut up, you bumbling fool.

Horace: He cannot hear you.

"**The appointment — or suspension — of the headmaster is a matter for the governors, Fudge," said Mr. Malfoy smoothly. "And as Dumbledore has failed to stop these attacks —" **

Hermione: This was not all Professor Dumbledore's fault! Nobody could have stopped them.

Ginny: Apart from Harry.

"**See here, Malfoy, if Dumbledore can't stop them," said Fudge, whose upper lip was sweating now, **

George: Is that… does that happen?

**"I mean to say, who can?" **

Ron: Oh, I don't know, maybe… HARRY POTTER.

Harry: Thanks, mate.

Ron: I love you, bro.

Harry: I love you too.

Ginny: I honestly never envisaged my brother stealing my husband.

"**That remains to be seen," said Mr. Malfoy with a nasty smile. **

Ginny: The only type of smile he could manage.

**"But as all twelve of us have voted —" **

**Hagrid leapt to his feet, his shaggy black head grazing the ceiling. **

'**An' how many did yeh have ter threaten an' blackmail before they agreed, Malfoy, eh?" he roared.**

Hermione: Another appropriate Gryffindor mascot reference.

"**Dear, dear, you know, that temper of yours will lead you into trouble one of these days, Hagrid," said Mr. Malfoy. "I would advise you not to shout at the Azkaban guards like that. They won't like it at all." **

Luna: What a soul-destroying job that must be.

Neville: Pun intended?

Luna: No, just a happy coincidence.

"**Yeh can' take Dumbledore!" yelled Hagrid, making Fang the boarhound cower and whimper in his basket. "Take him away, an' the Muggle-borns won' stand a chance! There'll be killin' next!" **

George: Since when was Hagrid into Divination?

"**Calm yourself, Hagrid," said Dumbledore sharply. He looked at Lucius Malfoy. **"**If the governors want my removal, Lucius, I shall of course step aside —"**

All: NO!

"**But —" stuttered Fudge. **

"_**No!**_**" growled Hagrid.**

**Dumbledore had not taken his bright blue eyes off Lucius Malfoy's cold grey ones.**

Ginny: The staring competition of the century.

"**However," said Dumbledore, speaking very slowly and clearly so that none of them could miss a word, **

Horace: A true showman.

Minerva: Well, he has tried to reinstate the traditional Hogwarts pantomime.

**"you will find that I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me… **

Michael: That will never happen.

**Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it." **

**For a second, Harry was almost sure Dumbledore's eyes flickered toward the corner where he and Ron were hidden. **

Horace: That clever old coot.

"**Admirable sentiments," said Malfoy, bowing. "We shall all miss your — er — highly individual way of running things, Albus, **

Hermione: Trust Malfoy to turn a compliment into an insult.

**and only hope your successor will manage to prevent any — ah — killings."**

**He strode to the cabin door, opened it, and bowed Dumbledore out. Fudge, fiddling with his bowler, waited for Hagrid to go ahead of him, but Hagrid stood his ground, **

Minerva: Good man.

**took a deep breath, and said carefully, "If anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they'd have ter do would be ter follow the spiders. That'd lead 'em right. That's all I'm sayin'." **

George: Not obvious at all.

**Fudge stared at him in amazement. **

"**All right, I'm comin', said Hagrid, pulling on his moleskin overcoat. But as he was about to follow Fudge through the door, he stopped again and said loudly, "An' someone'll need ter feed Fang while I'm away." **

Ron: Rubeus Hagrid, subtle as a hippogriff in a bunch of ferrets.

**The door banged shut and Ron pulled off the Invisibility Cloak. **

"**We're in trouble now," Ron said hoarsely. **

Harry: We were always in trouble, to be fair.

"**No Dumbledore. They might as well close the school tonight. There'll be an attack a day with him gone." **

Minerva: Thank you for the vote of confidence.

**Fang started howling, scratching at the closed door. **

Luna: Poor dog.


	15. Spiders, Spiders, Spiders!

"Oh, look at the time, would you?" said Michael. "Must be off, dear. If that's alright with whoever's keeping us here, that is." With a crack, he disappeared from the room.

"Thank Merlin for that," Horace whispered under his breath, scowling at the wall.

"I heard that." Minerva looked none too pleased. Sensing the growing tension, Luna suggested taking a comfort break and, fortunately for the whole group, the mood seemed much later as the group settled the read the next chapter of the book.

Still suspicious to the motives of keeping them all in the room, Harry wearily picked up the book and began to read:

**Summer was creeping over the grounds around the castle; **

Ginny: Unfortunately, it's footsteps were too loud and it woke winter up, so it started raining again.

Hermione: It's Scotland. It never stops raining.

**sky and lake alike turned periwinkle blue and flowers large as cabbages burst into bloom in the greenhouses. But with no Hagrid visible from the castle windows, striding the grounds with Fang at his heels, the scene didn't look right to Harry; **

Ron: The backlighting was awful. Besides, the camera just couldn't capture the magic.

**no better, in fact, than the inside of the castle, where things were so horribly wrong. **

Horace: Professor McGonagall was wearing one of her mini-dresses again.

Minerva: Are there any rules against this room giving us offensive weapons?

**Harry and Ron had tried to visit Hermione, but visitors were now barred from the hospital wing. **

George: They'd been drinking too much Fire Whiskey again, and Madame Pomfrey had had enough!

"**We're taking no more chances," Madame Pomfrey told them severely through a crack in the infirmary door. "No, I'm sorry, there's every chance the attacker might come back to finish these people off…" **

Neville: Welcome to happy hour with Madame Pomfrey.

**With Dumbledore gone, fear had spread as never before, so that the sun warming the castle walls outside seemed to stop at the mullioned windows. There was barely a face to be seen in the school that didn't look worried and tense, **

George: And in need of the toilet.

Luna: You don't need to stoop to those kind of jokes.

**and any laughter that rang through the corridors sounded shrill and unnatural**

Hermione: Like Umbridge's.

**and was quickly stifled. **

**Harry constantly repeated Dumbledore's final words to himself **_**"I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me… Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it." **_

Luna: Very wise words.

**But what good were these words? **

Horace: Oh, Harry, Harry, Harry. Not the sharpest wand in the box, are you?

Harry: You tell me what Dumbledore meant then.

Horace: Ummm… well… I… wouldn't want to ruin the story for the others, would I?

Hermione: We've all lived through it.

**Who exactly were they supposed to ask for help, when everyone was just as confused and scared as they were? **

**Hagrid's hint about the spiders was far easier to understand. **

Ron: Yes, it bloody would be.

**The trouble was, there didn't seem to be a single spider left in the castle to follow. **

Ron: Thank Merlin.

**Harry looked everywhere he went, helped (rather reluctantly) by Ron. They were hampered, of course, by the fact that they weren't allowed to wander off on their own **

Minerva: Like that ever stopped you before.

**but had to move around the castle in a pack with the other Gryffindors. **

Luna: Oh, that was clever.

Minerva: What was clever, dear?

Luna: The use of the word "pack".

Ginny: Because Gryffindors are lions, and lions are kind of 'pack animals'. There's a reason Luna's in Ravenclaw.

**Most of their fellow students seemed glad that they were being shepherded from class to class by teachers, but Harry found it very irksome. **

Harry: Oh, that's a nice word. I'm going to use that more often.

**One person, however, seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the atmosphere of terror and suspicion. **

Neville: Three guesses.

Ron: Malfoy.

Ginny: Snape.

George: Jeremy Clarkson.

Horace: Who?

George: Just a bloke from a Muggle tele – never mind.

**Draco Malfoy was strutting around the school as though he had just been appointed Head Boy. **

Ginny: Business as usual, then.

**Harry didn't realize what he was so pleased about until the Potions lesson about two weeks after Dumbledore and Hagrid had left, when, sitting right behind Malfoy, **

George: Oooh, careful.

**Harry overheard him gloating to Crabbe and Goyle. **

"**I always thought Father might be the one who got **

Neville: "Me a brain for Christmas."

**rid of Dumbledore," he said, not troubling to keep his voice down. **

"**I told you he thinks Dumbledore's the worst headmaster the school's ever had. **

Ron: Little git.

**Maybe we'll get a decent headmaster now. **

Minerva: Why would you have to imply the headteacher would be male?

**Someone who won't want the Chamber of Secrets closed. **

Hermione: A sociopath, you mean.

**McGonagall won't last long, she's only filling in…" **

Minerva: Gee, your faith in me is overwhelming.

**Snape swept past Harry, making no comment about Hermione's empty seat and cauldron. **

"**Sir," said Malfoy loudly. "Sir, why don't **_**you **_**apply for the headmaster's job?" **

Harry: Can you imagine if he had?

"**Now, now, Malfoy," said Snape, though he couldn't suppress a thin-lipped smile. **

"**Professor Dumbledore has only been suspended by the governors. I daresay he'll be back with us soon enough." **

"**Yeah, right," said Malfoy, smirking. "I expect you'd have Father's vote, sir, **

Ginny: So would anyone who had enough money to offer him a bribe.

**if you wanted to apply for the job**_**— I'll **_**tell Father you're the best teacher here, sir —" **

Minerva: Bull-

George: Careful, Minnie! You're in the presence of delicate ears.

Minerva: They will be delicate if I get my hands on them.

George: No need to get touchy with me.

**Snape smirked as he swept off around the dungeon, fortunately not spotting Seamus Finnigan, who was pretending to vomit into his cauldron.**

Neville: But not, for once, causing an explosion in it.

Harry: Like you can talk, Nev.

Neville: Fair point.

"**I'm quite surprised the Mudbloods haven't all packed their bags by now," Malfoy went on. "Bet you five Galleons the next one dies. Pity it wasn't Granger —"**

Hermione: That slimeball.

**The bell rang at that moment, which was lucky; **

Ron: Because we were all ready to get up and deck him.

**at Malfoy's last words, Ron had leapt off his stool, and in the scramble to collect bags and books, his attempts to reach Malfoy went unnoticed. **

"**Let me at him," Ron growled as Harry and Dean hung onto his arms. "I don't care, I don't need my wand, I'm going to kill him with my bare hands —" **

George: What would Mumsy say?

"**Hurry up, I've got to take you all to Herbology," barked Snape over the class's heads, **

Harry: Gosh, don't sound so happy about it, Sir.

**and off they marched, with Harry, Ron, and Dean bringing up the rear, Ron still trying to get loose. **

Ron: You gave me a bruise from that.

Hermione: Well, it's nice to know that you care.

**It was only safe to let go of him when Snape had seen them out of the castle and they were making their way across the vegetable patch toward the greenhouses. **

Neville: I'm still marvelling at the fact that you haven't tried to make a fortune in vegetables.

Minerva: I have told you, this is a school and not a business. Besides, do you know how many carrots we use in a school year?

Neville: No.

Minerva: Lucky you.

**Herbology class was very subdued; there were now two missing from their number, Justin and Hermione. **

Harry: And no-one else could answer the questions.

Neville: Excuse you.

**Professor Sprout set them all to work pruning the Abyssinian Shrivelfigs. Harry went to tip an armful of withered stalks onto the compost heap and found himself face-to-face with Ernie Macmillan.**

Ron: And his horrible halitosis.

Hermione: A phrase which you wouldn't be able to say without offending somebody if, in fact, you did have halitosis.

**Ernie took a deep breath and said, very formally, "I just want to say, Harry, that I'm sorry I ever suspected you. **

Ginny: How gallant of you.

**I know you'd never attack Hermione Granger, **

Harry: I'm glad somebody thought so.

**and I apologize for all the stuff I said. We're all in the same boat now, and, well —" **

**He held out a pudgy hand, and Harry shook it. **

Harry: It was quite sweaty, as I remember.

Ginny: Too much information, dear.

**Ernie and his friend Hannah came to work at the same Shrivelfig as Harry and Ron. **

"**That Draco Malfoy character," said Ernie, breaking off dead twigs, "he seems very pleased about all this, doesn't he? D'you know, I think **_**he **_**might be Slytherin's heir." **

Horace: A little behind the times, Macmillan.

"**That's clever of you," said Ron, who didn't seem to have forgiven Ernie as readily as Harry. **

"**Do you think it's Malfoy, Harry?" Ernie asked. **

"**No," said Harry, so firmly that Ernie and Hannah stared. **

**A second later, Harry spotted something. **

George: Snape dancing around in the Entrance Hall with a pair of knickers on his head and a pink shawl wrapped around his waist.

Ginny: That is disturbing.

**Several large spiders were scuttling over the ground on the other side of the glass, moving in an unnaturally straight line as though taking the shortest route to a prearranged meeting. **

Ron: A bloody terrifying meeting!

**Harry hit Ron over the hand with his pruning shears. **

Ron: Gave me a bruise that time, as well.

"_**Ouch! **_**What're you —" **

**Harry pointed out the spiders, following their progress with his eyes screwed up against the sun. **

George: Vampire!

"**Oh, yeah," said Ron, trying, and failing, to look pleased. ** "**But we can't follow them now —" **

Ron: Thank Merlin.

**Ernie and Hannah were listening curiously. **

Hermione: Eavesdropping never helped anyone.

Harry: I beg to differ.

**Harry's eyes narrowed as he focused on the spiders. If they pursued their fixed course, there could be no doubt about where they would end up. **

"**Looks like they're heading for the Forbidden Forest…" **

Minerva: Which is _forbidden _for a reason!

**And Ron looked even unhappier about that. **

Ron: You would, too, if you were following your worst nightmare into your second worst nightmare.

**At the end of the lesson Professor Sprout escorted the class to their Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. **

Ginny: Time for some comic relief, I think.

**Harry and Ron lagged behind the others so they could talk out of earshot. **

"**We'll have to use the Invisibility Cloak again," Harry told Ron. **

George: Good evening and welcome to _Fun_ _With_ _Enchanted_ _Clothing_. I'll be your host, Harry Potter, and tonight we will be causing trouble with an invisibility cloak.

"**We can take Fang with us. He's used to going into the forest with Hagrid, he might be some help." **

Luna: He probably needs a walk after being cooped up in that hut all the time, anyway.

Minerva: Actually, Filius used to walk him around the grounds in the evenings while Hagrid was away.

Ginny: I would pay to see that.

Harry: The dog's as big as he is!

"**Right," said Ron, who was twirling his wand nervously in his fingers. "Er — aren't there — aren't there supposed to be werewolves in the forest?" he added as they took their usual places at the back of Lockhart's classroom. **

Ginny: Where it was easier to curse his shoelaces to keep tripping him up.

**Preferring not to answer that question, Harry said, "There are good things in there, too. **

Ron: Like rainbows and butterflies and GIANT SPIDERS!

**The centaurs are all right, **

Neville: Well, some of them.

**and the unicorns…" **

George: Are very pretty?

**Ron had never been into the Forbidden Forest before. Harry had entered it only once and had hoped never to do so again. **

Hermione: You can't always get what you want.

**Lockhart bounded into the room and the class stared at him. **

Horace: He was so beautiful they couldn't take their eyes off of him.

**Every other teacher in the place was looking grimmer than usual, but Lockhart appeared nothing short of buoyant. **

Minerva: He thrived on our misery.

"**Come now," he cried, beaming around him. "Why all these long faces?"**

Harry: Which was funny because all the teachers had turned into horses.

**People swapped exasperated looks, but nobody answered. **

"**Don't you people realize," said Lockhart, speaking slowly, as though they were all a bit dim, **

Minerva: Oh, the irony.

"**the danger has passed! The culprit has been taken away —" **

"**Says who?" said Dean Thomas loudly. **

"**My dear young man, the Minister of Magic wouldn't have taken Hagrid if he hadn't been one hundred percent sure that he was guilty," **

(Minerva laughs haughtily.)

**said Lockhart, in the tone of someone explaining that one and one made two. **

"**Oh, yes he would," said Ron, even more loudly than Dean. **

Ginny: A twelve-year-old knew more about Government than one of the most famous wizards of the time.

"**I flatter myself I know a **_**touch **_**more **

Hermione: I highly doubt that.

**about Hagrid's arrest than you do, Mr. Weasley," said Lockhart in a self-satisfied tone. **

Minerva: That's his default setting.

**Ron started to say that he didn't think so, somehow, but stopped in midsentence when Harry kicked him hard under the desk. **

Ron: That was the day of many injuries.

"**We weren't there, remember?" Harry muttered. **

**But Lockhart's disgusting cheeriness, his hints that he had always thought Hagrid was no good, **

Harry: Each of which made me want to punch him.

**his confidence that the whole business was now at an end, irritated Harry so much that he yearned to throw **_**Gadding with Ghouls **_**right in Lockhart's stupid face. **

Neville: Do you think the writer had given up at this point?

Harry: Actually, that's exactly how I would have phrased it.

Hermione: Eloquent.

Harry: Give me a break, I was twelve.

**Instead he contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: **_**Let's do it tonight. **_

(Laughter all around the table).

Ginny (between giggles): You never told me this!

Harry: Again, I was twelve. I didn't think about how this would look to other people.

**Ron read the message, swallowed hard, **

Ginny: It gets funnier!

**and looked sideways at the empty seat usually filled by Hermione. **

Ginny (still laughing): And felt really guilty, but wanted to do it anyway.

**The sight seemed to stiffen **

Ginny: Do I need to point that one out?

**his resolve, and he nodded. **

**The Gryffindor common room was always very crowded these days, because from six o'clock onward the Gryffindors had nowhere else to go. They also had plenty to talk about, with the result that the common room often didn't empty until past midnight.**

Neville: Which meant that the parties were _amazing._

Hermione: Neville, you dark horse, you!

**Harry went to get the Invisibility Cloak out of his trunk right after dinner, and spent the evening sitting on it, waiting for the room to clear. **

Hermione: Eight hours later, they were still waiting for their classmates to leave.

**Fred and George challenged Harry and Ron to a few games of Exploding Snap, and Ginny sat watching them, very subdued in Hermione's usual chair. **

Ginny: I was keeping it warm for you.

**Harry and Ron kept losing on purpose, trying to finish the games quickly, **

George: Oh, I bet that's what you tell everyone when you lose!

**but even so, it was well past midnight when Fred, George, and Ginny finally went to bed. **

Ginny: Not together, I might add.

Horace: Not that night, anyway.

George: Oh, that is sick! Way over the line, Sluggy!

**Harry and Ron waited for the distant sounds of two dormitory doors closing before seizing the cloak, throwing it over themselves, and climbing through the portrait hole. **

**It was another difficult journey through the castle, dodging all the teachers. **

Horace: Who all had rather large backsides.

Minerva: Speak for yourself.

**At last they reached the entrance hall, slid back the lock on the oak front doors, squeezed between them, trying to stop any creaking, and stepped out into the moonlit grounds. **

Ginny: Where they had a lovely romantic stroll with a nice little picnic.

"'**Course," said Ron abruptly as they strode across the black grass, "we might get to the forest and find there's nothing to follow. **

Ron: If only.

**Those spiders might not've been going there at all. I know it looked like they were moving in that sort of general direction, but…" **

Ginny: Clutching at straws.

**His voice trailed away hopefully. **

**They reached Hagrid's house, sad and sorry-looking with its blank windows. When Harry pushed the door open, Fang went mad with joy at the sight of them. **

George: And slobbered them to death, the end.

**Worried he might wake everyone at the castle with his deep, booming barks, they hastily fed him treacle fudge from a tin on the mantelpiece, which glued his teeth together. **

Luna: Neither of you have cared for dogs before, have you?

**Harry left the Invisibility Cloak on Hagrid's table. There would be no need for it in the pitch-dark forest. **

Minerva: Well, that sounds like an omen.

"**C'mon, Fang, we're going for a walk," said Harry, patting his leg, and Fang bounded happily out of the house behind them, dashed to the edge of the forest, and lifted his leg against a large sycamore tree. **

Neville: I sit under that tree!

**Harry took out his wand, murmured, **_**"Lumos!" **_**and a tiny light appeared at the end of it, just enough to let them watch the path for signs of spiders. **

"**Good thinking," said Ron. "I'd light mine, too, but you know — it'd probably blow up or something…" **

Hermione: Good thinking on your part.

**Harry tapped Ron on the shoulder, pointing at the grass. Two solitary spiders were hurrying away from the wandlight into the shade of the trees. **

"**Okay," Ron sighed as though resigned to the worst, "I'm ready. Let's go." **

**So, with Fang scampering around them, sniffing tree roots and leaves, **

Horace: Of course that won't attract any attention at all.

**they entered the forest. By the glow of Harry's wand, they followed the steady trickle of spiders moving along the path. They walked behind them for about twenty minutes, not speaking, listening hard for noises other than breaking twigs and rustling leaves. **

George: Like what? Explosions? Giggles? Flatulence?

**Then, when the trees had become thicker than ever, so that the stars overhead were no longer visible, and Harry's wand shone alone in the sea of dark, they saw their spider guides leaving the path. **

Luna: Oh dear.

**Harry paused, trying to see where the spiders were going, but everything outside his little sphere of light was pitch-black. He had never been this deep into the forest before. He could vividly remember Hagrid advising him not to leave the forest path last time he'd been in here. **

Ginny: How much do you bet they went off the path?

**But Hagrid was miles away now, probably sitting in a cell in Azkaban, and he had also said to follow the spiders. **

Ginny: That's my boy.

**Something wet touched Harry's hand and he jumped backward, crushing Ron's foot, but it was only Fang's nose. **

Ron: Injury number four of that day.

"**What d'you reckon?" Harry said to Ron, whose eyes he could just make out, reflecting the light from his wand. **

"**We've come this far," said Ron. **

**So they followed the darting shadows of the spiders into the trees. **

Ron: Argh!

Hermione: What's the matter?

Ron: It just felt like there was a spider crawling down my back.

**They couldn't move very quickly now; there were tree roots and stumps in their way, barely visible in the near blackness. Harry could feel Fang's hot breath on his hand. **

Horace: And he loved it far more than he should have.

Minerva: You have some real issues.

**More than once, they had to stop, so that Harry could crouch down **

George: To relieve his bowels.

Horace: And you say _I _have issues?

**and find the spiders in the wandlight. **

**They walked for what seemed like at least half an hour, their robes snagging on low-slung branches and brambles. After a while, they noticed that the ground seemed to be sloping downward, though the trees were as thick as ever. **

**Then Fang suddenly let loose a great, echoing bark, making both Harry and Ron jump out of their skins. **

Ron: Not literally. That would be disgusting.

"**What?" said Ron loudly, looking around into the pitch-dark, and gripping Harry's elbow very hard. **

Ron: Payback.

"**There's something moving over there," Harry breathed. "Listen… sounds like something big…" **

Minerva: There, in the darkness, they found the bloated form of disgusting former Potions teacher, Horace Slughorn. He snarled at them from a fuddle of his own faeces -

George: Damn you're good at this.

Horace (sulkily): I hate you all.

**They listened. Some distance to their right, the something big was snapping branches as it carved a path through the trees. **

"**Oh, no," said Ron. "Oh, no, oh, no, oh —" **

Luna: I don't think that will help matters.

"**Shut up," said Harry frantically. "It'll hear you." **

"**Hear **_**me**_**?" said Ron in an unnaturally high voice. **

"**It's already heard Fang!" **

**The darkness seemed to be pressing on their eyeballs as they stood, terrified, waiting. **

**There was a strange rumbling noise and then silence. **

George: So you _were _waiting to hear flatulence?

"**What d'you think it's doing?" said Harry. **

"**Probably getting ready to pounce," said Ron. **

Neville: Cheery thought of the day.

**They waited, shivering, hardly daring to move. **

"**D'you think it's gone?" Harry whispered. **

Ginny: Doubt it.

"**Dunno —" **

**Then, to their right, came a sudden blaze of light, so bright in the darkness that both of them flung up their hands to shield their eyes. **

**Fang yelped and tried to run, but got lodged in a tangle of thorns and yelped even louder. **

"**Harry!" Ron shouted, his voice breaking with relief "Harry, it's our car!" **

Hermione: Plot twist!

"_**What?" **_

"**Come on!" **

**Harry blundered after Ron toward the light, stumbling and tripping, **

George: Don't mix those words up. You'll get 'tumbling and stripping'.

**and a moment later they had emerged into a clearing. **

**Mr. Weasley's car was standing, empty, in the middle of a circle of thick trees under a roof of dense branches, its headlights ablaze. **

Luna: Literally ablaze or just lit up?

Harry: I don't remember.

**As Ron walked, open-mouthed, toward it, it moved slowly toward him, exactly like a large, turquoise dog greeting its owner. **

Ron: It was a loyal car.

"**It's been here all the time!" said Ron delightedly, walking around the car. "Look at it. The forest's turned it wild…" **

**The sides of the car were scratched and smeared with mud. **

Hermione: Like Stig of the Dump.

Ron: Who?

Hermione: I'll let you read it one day.

George: When you're older.

**Apparently it had taken to trundling around the forest on its own. Fang didn't seem at all keen on it; he kept close to Harry, who could feel him quivering. His breathing slowing down again, Harry stuffed his wand back into his robes.**

Neville: Innuendo aplenty.

"**And we thought it was going to attack us!" said Ron, leaning against the car and patting it. "I wondered where it had gone!" **

**Harry squinted around on the floodlit ground for signs of more spiders, but they had all scuttled away from the glare of the headlights. **

Ron: Best car ever.

"**We've lost the trail," he said. "C'mon, let's go and find them." **

**Ron didn't speak. He didn't move. His eyes were fixed on a point some ten feet above the forest floor, right behind Harry. His face was livid with terror. **

Horace: No more implications that it was me please.

Minerva: Damn.

**Harry didn't even have time to turn around. There was a loud clicking noise and suddenly he felt something long and hairy seize him around the middle and lift him off the ground, **

George: Hagrid!

**so that he was hanging facedown. **

**Struggling, terrified, he heard more clicking, and saw Ron's legs leave the ground, too, heard Fang whimpering and howling — next moment, he was being swept away into the dark trees. **

Ginny: Where he joined a colony of tree fairies and lived for the rest of his life.

Harry: But then I never would have married you.

Ginny: What a shame.

Harry: Ouch.

Ginny: Just joking, sweetheart.

**Head hanging, Harry saw that what had hold of him was marching on six immensely long, hairy legs, the front two clutching him tightly below a pair of shining black pincers. **

Ron: I think I'm going to be sick.

Minerva: Not in here, please.

**Behind him, he could hear another of the creatures, no doubt carrying Ron. They were moving into the very heart of the forest. Harry could hear Fang fighting to free himself from a third monster, whining loudly, but Harry couldn't have yelled even if he had wanted to; he seemed to have left his voice back with the car in the clearing. **

**He never knew how long he was in the creature's clutches; he only knew that the darkness suddenly lifted enough for him to see that the leaf-strewn ground was now swarming with spiders. **

Neville: That sounds awful.

**Craning his neck sideways, he realized that they had reached the ridge of a vast hollow, a hollow that had been cleared of trees, so that the stars shone brightly onto the worst scene he had ever laid eyes on. **

Ginny: Even worse lighting than before and the actors didn't even know their lines!

**Spiders. Not tiny spiders like those surging over the leaves below. Spiders the size of carthorses, **

Hermione: _The Art of Exaggeration_, a new novel by Harry J. Potter.

**eight-eyed, eight-legged, black, hairy, gigantic. **

**The massive specimen that was carrying Harry made its way down the steep slope towards a misty, domed web in the very centre of the hollow, while its fellows closed in all around it, clicking their pincers excitedly at the sight of its load. **

Harry: You know, this _is_ beginning to sound dirty.

**Harry fell to the ground on all fours **

Harry: It got worse.

**as the spider released him. Ron and Fang thudded down next to him. Fang wasn't howling anymore, but cowering silently on the spot. **

**Ron looked exactly like Harry felt. His mouth was stretched wide in a kind of silent scream and his eyes were popping. **

Luna: Ouch.

Ron: Worst. Day. Ever.

**Harry suddenly realized that the spider that had dropped him was saying something. It had been hard to tell, because he clicked his pincers with every word he spoke. **

"**Aragog!" it called. "Aragog!" **

George: Cool name.

**And from the middle of the misty, domed web, a spider the size of a small elephant emerged, very slowly. There was grey in the black of his body and legs, and each of the eyes on his ugly, pincered head was milky white. He was blind. **

Harry: Lucky for us.

"**What is it?" he said, clicking his pincers rapidly. **

"**Men," clicked the spider who had caught Harry. **

George: It's time to PARTY!

"**Is it Hagrid?" said Aragog, moving closer, his eight milky eyes wandering vaguely. **

"**Strangers," clicked the spider who had brought Ron. **

"**Kill them," clicked Aragog fretfully. "I was sleeping…" **

Hermione: And I thought Ron was bad in the mornings.

"**We're friends of Hagrid's," Harry shouted. His heart seemed to have left his chest to pound in his throat. **

Minerva: And that's why you're a Gryffindor.

**Click, click, click went the pincers of the spiders all around the hollow. **

**Aragog paused. **

"**Hagrid has never sent men into our hollow before," he said slowly. **

George: He only sends women and small children in to feed the spiders, apparently.

"**Hagrid's in trouble," said Harry, breathing very fast. "That's why we've come." **

"**In trouble?" said the aged spider, and Harry thought he heard concern beneath the clicking pincers. **

Luna: Spiders have feelings too, you know.

"**But why has he sent you?" **

**Harry thought of getting to his feet but decided against it; he didn't think his legs would support him. ** **So he spoke from the ground, as calmly as he could. **

"**They think, up at the school, that Hagrid's been setting a — a — **

George: A BOOBY TRAP!

**something on students. They've taken him to Azkaban." **

**Aragog clicked his pincers furiously, **

Hermione: Great adverb use.

Ron: Yes, Mrs. Weasley. Did I get top marks, Mrs. Weasley?

**and all around the hollow the sound was echoed by the crowd of spiders; it was like applause, except applause didn't usually make Harry feel sick with fear. **

Ginny: Attention hog.

"**But that was years ago," said Aragog fretfully. "Years and years ago. I remember it well. That's why they made him leave the school. They believed that **_**I **_**was the monster that dwells in what they call the Chamber of Secrets. They thought that Hagrid had opened the Chamber and set me free." **

Horace: So it wasn't Hagrid?

"**And you… you didn't come from the Chamber of Secrets?" said Harry, who could feel cold sweat on his forehead. **

"**I!" said Aragog, clicking angrily. **

Neville: I have never heard the phrase "clicking angrily" before. It seems like an oxymoron to me. How does one go about angrily clicking?

Ginny: Step one: be a giant spider.

"**I was not born in the castle. I come from a distant land. **

Neville (singing quietly): I come from a land down under…

**A traveller gave me to Hagrid when I was an egg. Hagrid was only a boy, but he cared for me, hidden in a cupboard in the castle, feeding me on scraps from the table. Hagrid is my good friend, and a good man. **

Minerva: Here, here.

**When I was discovered, and blamed for the death of a girl, he protected me. I have lived here in the forest ever since, where Hagrid still visits me. He even found me a wife, Mosag, **

Minerva: And yet Horace could never find one.

Horace: Low blow.

**and you see how our family has grown, **

George: Someone's been busy.

**all through Hagrid's goodness…" **

George: I bloody hope not!

**Harry summoned what remained of his courage. **

"**So you never — never attacked anyone?" **

"**Never," croaked the old spider. "It would have been my instinct, but out of respect for Hagrid, I never harmed a human. **

Ron: Apart from us.

**The body of the girl who was killed was discovered in a bathroom. **

Neville: So it was Myrtle?

**I never saw any part of the castle but the cupboard in which I grew up. Our kind like the dark and the quiet…" **

Horace: So does Minerva.

"**But then… Do you know what **_**did **_**kill that girl?" said Harry. "Because whatever it is, it's back and attacking people again —" **

**His words were drowned by a loud outbreak of clicking and the rustling of many long legs shifting angrily; large black shapes shifted all around him. **

"**The thing that lives in the castle," said Aragog, "is an ancient creature we spiders fear above all others. Well do I remember how I pleaded with Hagrid to let me go, when I sensed the beast moving about the school." **

"**What is it?" said Harry urgently. **

Hermione: Like it would be that easy.

**More loud clicking, more rustling; the spiders seemed to be closing in. **

"**We do not speak of it!" said Aragog fiercely. "We do not name it! I never even told Hagrid the name of that dreaded creature, though he asked me, many times." **

Harry: He could have just told us, though.

**Harry didn't want to press the subject, not with the spiders pressing closer on all sides. **

George: Ah, word play.

**Aragog seemed to be tired of talking. He was backing slowly into his domed web, but his fellow spiders continued to inch slowly toward Harry and Ron. **

"**We'll just go, then," Harry called desperately to Aragog, hearing leaves rustling behind him. **

Ron: I wish.

"**Go?" said Aragog slowly. "I think not…" **

"**But — but —" **

"**My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid, on my command. But I cannot deny them fresh meat, when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Good-bye, friend of Hagrid." **

Luna: What an unpleasant spider!

Ron: Aren't they all?

**Harry spun around. Feet away, towering above him, was a solid wall of spiders, clicking, their many eyes gleaming in their ugly black heads. **

Ginny: I can see why you're afraid of them, Ron.

**Even as he reached for his wand, Harry knew it was no good, there were too many of them, but as he tried to stand, ready to die fighting, a loud, long note sounded, and a blaze of light flamed through the hollow. **

Horace: A phoenix?

**Mr. Weasley's car was thundering down the slope, headlights glaring, its horn screeching, knocking spiders aside; several were thrown onto their backs, their endless legs waving in the air. **

Hermione: Technically, their legs couldn't have been 'endless'. There are a finite number of spiders in the forest, each of which have eight legs. Ergo, if you knew the number of spiders, you could work out the exact number of legs, leaving allowances, of course, for broken or lost legs.

**The car screeched to a halt in front of Harry and Ron and the doors flew open. **

George: All that time Dad spent pottering around in the shed actually paid off.

"**Get Fang!" Harry yelled, diving into the front seat; Ron seized the boarhound around the middle and threw him, yelping, into the back of the car**

Ron: And, let me tell you, that was not easy.

— **the doors slammed shut — Ron didn't touch the accelerator but the car didn't need him; the engine roared and they were off, hitting more spiders. They sped up the slope, out of the hollow, and they were soon crashing through the forest, branches whipping the windows as the car wound its way cleverly through the widest gaps, following a path it obviously knew. **

**Harry looked sideways at Ron. His mouth was still open in the silent scream, but his eyes weren't popping anymore. **

"**Are you okay?" **

Ron: No I bloody well am not!

Ginny: Not the brightest of twelve-year-olds, were you, honey?

**Ron stared straight ahead, unable to speak. **

**They smashed their way through the undergrowth, Fang howling loudly in the back seat, and Harry saw the side mirror snap off as they squeezed past a large oak. **

Hermione: You'd get a fine for driving like that at home.

**After ten noisy, rocky minutes, the trees thinned, and Harry could again see patches of sky. **

**The car stopped so suddenly that they were nearly thrown into the windscreen. They had reached the edge of the forest. Fang flung himself at the window in his anxiety to get out, and when Harry opened the door, he shot off through the trees to Hagrid's house, tail between his legs. **

**Harry got out too, and after a minute or so, Ron seemed to regain the feeling in his limbs and followed, still stiff-necked and staring. **

**Harry gave the car a grateful pat as it reversed back into the forest and disappeared from view. **

Luna: Ah, that was nice of you.

**Harry went back into Hagrid's cabin to get the Invisibility Cloak. **

Horace: How exactly did you manage to find it when you weren't using it?

Minerva: That's the first semi-intelligent question I have ever heard you ask.

Harry: Sometimes I'd tie string around it, but mostly I just had to remember where I'd put it.

**Fang was trembling under a blanket in his basket. **

Luna: Poor little dog.

Ron: Little?

**When Harry got outside again, he found Ron being violent sick in the pumpkin patch. **

"**Follow the spiders," **

Ginny: You broke him!

**said Ron weakly, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "I'll never forgive Hagrid. We're lucky to be alive." **

"**I bet he thought Aragog wouldn't hurt friends of his," said Harry. **

"**That's exactly Hagrid's problem!" said Ron, thumping the wall of the cabin. "He always thinks monsters aren't as bad as they're made out, and look where it's got him! A cell in Azkaban!" **

Neville: He did mean well, though.

Ron: Meaning well never got anybody anywhere. Except from Azkaban.

**He was shivering uncontrollably now. "What was the point of sending us in there? What have we found out, I'd like to know?" **

Hermione: Oh, nothing much… just the fact that YOUR FRIEND IS DEFINITELY INNOCENT AND IT'S NOT A SPIDER DOING ALL THE KILLING AND THE MONSTER KILLED MOANING MYRTLE AND –

Harry: Alright; calm down.

"**That Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets," said Harry, throwing the cloak over Ron and prodding him in the arm to make him walk. "He was innocent." **

Ron: We already knew that, though.

**Ron gave a loud snort. Evidently, hatching Aragog in a cupboard wasn't his idea of being innocent. **

Neville: It is a bit suspicious, you have to admit.

**As the castle loomed nearer Harry twitched the cloak to make sure their feet were hidden, then pushed the creaking front doors ajar. **

Ginny: Narrowly avoiding waking half the castle in the process.

**They walked carefully back across the entrance hall and up the marble staircase, holding their breath as they passed corridors where watchful sentries were walking. At last they reached the safety of the Gryffindor common room, where the fire had burned itself into glowing ash. **

**They took off the cloak and climbed the winding stair to their dormitory. Ron fell onto his bed without bothering to get undressed. **

Hermione: Sounds familiar.

**Harry, however, didn't feel very sleepy. He sat on the edge of his four-poster, thinking hard about everything Aragog had said. **

**The creature that was lurking somewhere in the castle, he thought, sounded like a sort of monster Voldemort — even other monsters didn't want to name it. **

Hermione: Hmm. I never thought of that.

**But he and Ron were no closer to finding out what it was, or how it petrified its victims. Even Hagrid had never known what was in the Chamber of Secrets. **

**Harry swung his legs up onto his bed and leaned back against his pillows, watching the moon glinting at him through the tower window. ** **He couldn't see what else they could do. They had hit dead ends everywhere. Riddle had caught the wrong person, **

Ron: Pfft.

**the Heir of Slytherin had got off, **

Minerva: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Innuendo.

**and no one could tell whether it was the same person, or a different one, who had opened the Chamber this time. **

**There was nobody else to ask. Harry lay down, still thinking about what Aragog had said. He was becoming drowsy when what seemed like their very last hope occurred to him, and he suddenly sat bolt upright. **

"**Ron," he hissed through the dark, "Ron —" **

**Ron woke with a yelp like Fang's, stared wildly around, and saw Harry. **

"**Ron — that girl who died. Aragog said she was found in a bathroom," **

Ginny: And Potter finally cottons on.

**said Harry, ignoring Neville's snuffling snores from the corner. **

Neville: I do _not_ snore.

Ron: After six years of sharing a dormitory, I can say with confidence that you definitely do.

**"What if she never left the bathroom? What if she's still there?" **

**Ron rubbed his eyes, frowning through the moonlight. And then he understood, too. **

Hermione: It always take that extra second, doesn't it?

Ron: Hey, I was never in contention to be a Ravenclaw.

"**You **_**don't **_**think — not **_**Moaning Myrtle**_**?" **

George: And the penny drops.

Harry: Hey, there are only three chapters left!


End file.
